I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

It was one of her wishes not to go to hospital, I've seen my grandad go to hospital with stage 4 cancer and he didn't get out. They wouldn't let him die at home which was his only wish.

it was one of her wishes not to go to hospital, I've seen my grandad go to hospital with stage 4 cancer and he didn't get out. They wouldn't let him die at home which was his only wish.

I know it wasn’t her wishes but do consider a hospital. My DF had stage 4 cancer and died in hospital and the care he received during his last few weeks was more than anyone could ask for a loved one. I sent a thank you email to PALs as the nurses and all the staff were outstanding, they were so kind and respectful to him.

If I can't get her a hospice space, I will consider it.
I just don't want her being on a ward and being confused or even being angry in her last moments. I don't think she would be angry now, she knows we've done our best but it would break my heart.
we've had a lot of barmy arguments over the years but she's been the best mum in law & nana to her abilities and I just want her to go happily and peacefully.
I hate seeing her like this, the family are all on stand by to drop everything & come.

If she is not lucid and doesn’t recognise your house, would she even know?

I am so sorry, Op.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like things are progressing quickly, but end of life is a rollercoaster - so things can plateau as well.

Wishing you strength and peace for you all.

GP is trying to find her a palliative care bed in a care home locally. Said it may take a few days.
She is dying but isn't at the stage of hospice said she's holding on. Did make me smile, she's always been very stubborn.

Thinking of you x

That sounds like a really good call, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you 🤞

I fully understand people.not wishing to die in hospital, it's something we would all like to honour if we can.

However, certain levels of care, often very high levels, may need to be in place in order to manage them at home. If that care cannot be provided, is simply unavailable and/or the family members concerned are unable to cope then it can become impossible and other options will need to be explored - hospital, hospice, care home etc.

I do think that some people just don't comprehend what it takes to look after another adult who has become unable to do anything for themselves. I remember how utterly impossible it was with my Dad when he was dying (long story there). I also know several other people who tried to look after an adult on end of life care and without fail they ended up calling in help as they were physically and mentally totally overwhelmed.

Don't feel guilty. You have done all you can. I hope the care home place becomes available very soon, and/or also the hospice.

", the family are all on stand by to drop everything & come"

What on earth does this mean?

Why are they on stand by?

They should be THERE.

Why are they "on stand by" whilst you're having a breakdown looking after their mother?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I suspect you are going to feel incredibly angry when this is over and you reflect on the situation.

You even said a few posts ago that your husband was going to call somebody to get it sorted "tomorrow".....but you posted it at 10:30 in the morning. So why was he waiting until tomorrow?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to have a go. You are the only person helping this woman and you are doing your absolute best. But you shouldn't be doing this alone.

It's worth pointing out to the family (and bearing in mind yourself) that if she were hospital/a hospice the people looking after her would be on shifts. It is not possible for 1 person to care for a sick/dying person 24 hours a day with no respite.

It's a cliche I know, but you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help others.

Well last night she got into ds13 bed, no idea how as she can't walk properly and needs to be wheeled about!
Ds13 was a bit upset this morning but last night rolled over (thankfully he has a double) and just let her sleep rather than calling for one of us.
So now means we need to set hourly alarms throughout the night to make sure she's not gone wondering!

I know it's impossible, we can't do 24 hour care. Hence the palliative care bed in a care home.
he's chasing the GP up today to see if there's been any luck!

You need to flag a safeguarding concern on behalf of your son.

That would not seem likely to get OP’s family what they need, but would just bring down more stuff to deal with.

OP, I work for the ambulance service and seldom say this but please do call 999. It may not be what we are primarily for but we do deal with this sort of thing a lot. We can stay for hours and make all the calls and have a duty of care to not leave until it is sorted one way or another. If you request a Paramedic Practitioner for JIC meds they will likely send one if a car who can administer morphine, hyoscine for her breathing etc....Good Luck.

IME nothing gets action like a safeguarding concern.

@AnotherVice what are JIC meds please?

Just In Case medications. They are specifically for end of life and usually include morphine for pain relief and breathlessness, hyoscine for respiratory secretions, an anti-sickness medication and a sedative for agitation. They have to be given by injection or syringe-driver so can only be given by a healthcare professional. This would usually be a hospice nurse, district nurse but can be a paramedic. The drugs are usually prescribed by the GP but Paramedic Practitioners carry emergency supplies.

Hmmm. Personally, I would doubt whether a confused, frail, elderly lady getting into the wrong bed would actually be safeguarding, and would think it would just rain complication on OP at a time when she least needs it.

Oh yeah lovely because I really need that going on right now!
She's a confused frail elderly lady whose dying, she didn't do it with intentions.

A great example of how people like to use 'buzzwords' without either thinking or understanding what they are actually saying.

thank you @AnotherVice ,I had no idea that such medication could be carried by paramedics.

This is very traumatising for the DC

Call an ambulance

GP got back still no beds. Ffs.
She has low sodium, so changed her meds. He doesn't think that's the source of the confusion he says it's very likely the confusion is end of life. He says it's normal for people to experience delirium in their final days/weeks.