I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

Agree speak to social services and don't sugar coat it, they are overstretched and under resourced so subtly needs to go out the door or they will put you on the bottom of the pile. Don't be nice about it You CAN'Tdo this anymore they need to sort out some help NOW. Your DH needs to be involved too as it's his mum.

My mum who I had a rocky relationship got Alzheimer's and I ended up being the child that stepped up (I have lots of siblings but 🙄) it's been a long and hard journey verging on 10yrs now and at times it has almost broken me. She's in a care home now, late stage and it's much easier although still emotionally draining - I'm disabled too so get how that adds another layer.

Getting social services involved is not easy both emotionally and logistically (they are a PITA to deal with as is the whole social care system) but it's a different type of difficulty than physically being involved and you need that help - whether it's carer support or her moving somewhere more suitable for her needs SS is the first port of call and you will need to shout.

Hope you get some help soon

Get on the train
Go and have a break
I guarantee her son will call someone pretty sharpish

Your partner needs to sort out the relationship, boundaries and interactions with his sister and not be a wimp about it.
Dealing with other family members through stuff like this is another level of stress that you don't need but is very familiar- don't get me started on my siblings. I stopped trying to appease them and ended up putting my foot down and although it was awful at first it helped.

*but it helped

Partner can't, she's blocked him and won't deal with him directly even though I've told her it just adds more stress. She keeps going on about how she has her own shit in life to deal with, but don't we all?
She said my disabled kids weren't her problem, I'm there parent it's my responsibility when I said I was stressed with caring for everyone. Bit ironic but there we go. I've told dp im going to have a breakdown if this continues.
Tomorrow he's ringing adult social services and explaining the situation and demanding she gets carers sorted. He's also told me not to speak to his sister let her unblock him and he'll sort it.

Hi Op - just to say, hospice are WAY better than social care, are open 24/7 - so you can give them a call now. They have better access to pretty much everything in my area at least.

They are amazing at getting people to accept help when they initially refuse.

I know you have your hands full, but if I only have one conversation in me - they're who I call.

Thank you, I looked on their website & it said by referral only so wasn't sure if that had to be done by a professional?
Shes been quite against outside help but last night she asked for the OT to come out so she's getting there in terms of acceptance little by little. I will tell DP to ring them as well. She'd be really happy there, it's a wonderful place.

Definitely just call them, the Macmillan nurse made the referral for us when DH was still under consultant care, absolutely fine for you to call them assuming the referral has been made (or somethings gone awry).

No it's not a UTI. People need to stop obsessing over that as it's not helping, she has brain mets which cause confusion.

People are 'obsessing' over it because she needed medical attention when you posted on Wednesday. The sudden decline in cognition can be indicative of a UTI, especially with what you said re lack of ability to pee, then wetting the bed. You also said you were waiting for results re mets. People can only go on what you have said and tbh it is neglectful that she hasn't been seen for a proper medical assessment still. Even if it isn't a uti, it could be something else and even still if the cause is nets she still needed a medical assessment due to the rapid decline, even just to confirm nothing else was going on. I know you probably feel attacked and that is not really what people are doing, they just want to see the old lady get an assessment that she should have e had days ago. It's not about you, it's about her - and I say that nicely. I don't think you are or should be responsible either, but as you are the only person discussing it here, then people can only relate to to you that this should have been treated as a medical emergency days ago.

It's unlikely to be a UTI and very likely to be that her steroid dose for her brain mets is too low.

Social services would not normally be involved for this level of palliative patient as they are eligible for full funding for care from the NHS - known as CHC Fast Track. They will be very loath to get involved if it should be from the NHS budget and not theirs.

Fast Track referrals are either made by District Nurse or Palliative Care, it varies from area to area.

Of course she's rapidly declining though, she has stage 4 cancer that has spread all over her chest area and lymph nodes. She weighs just a tiny 5 stone.
Shes got rattly breathing today.

That sounds as though she only has a day or two left. I'm so sorry that you're in this position.

Op, please try and take care of yourself. It doesn't seem like anyone's looking out for you.

Dp is trying but he has so much to deal with himself. I don't expect anything less of his siblings, it just means I won't have anything to do with them in the short future. They've shown their true colours.

If her breathing is rattly then the end could be very close. If it is literally just a couple of days you're talking about then personally I'd aim for pain free and comfortable. If that can be in a hospice, brilliant, but I personally wouldn't be taking her to A&E which can be an unpleasant place for anyone, let alone someone actively dying.

I think your husband needs to take a more Central role, with your job being to support him, deal with your children, and being able to give him a break occasionally. It sounds as if the bulk of the caring duties have somehow fallen on you, which isn't fair.

What does your husband want to happen?

Did you have any luck with the hospice?

If not, if her breathing has changed then the out of hours GP will need to come out to assess her. It does happen quickly for end of life care, I've literally gone through this on Friday night with DH (and he hasn't gone yet).

Do you have a pulse oximeter (lots of people bought them over COVID)? Do a quick check of her temperature, how many breaths per minute she's doing, and what the oximeter is showing - basically at end of life it's just making them comfortable, but there is plenty which can be done to help and DH did what the doctor said, rather than what identically told him, because his brain doesn't work and oxygen deprivation doesn't help.

There are so many things going on at end of life, and googling doesn't help as it's all for healthy people!

Has your husband organised proper medical or other care yet? Does she have suitable pain relief?

Yes she has tramadol & morphine. District nurse said if can't swallow to call them out and they can administer by IV.

She's very close to dying sadly. She was only diagnosed 1st November.

She's due to go for a heart ultrasound tomorrow but I don't think she's up for even leaving the house.

Different hospices have different policies. Our local one was by referral only and we were told my dying mother did not meet their criteria for help.

The hospice I want her in, a family friends sister passed away there from cancer so I imagine she is eligible if they have space.

It does sound like she is near the end. Rattle breathing is a sign xx

Rattle breathing usually happens in the final
days. It can also be a sign of puemonia which untreated will become the cause of death with the cancer being an additional cause. Lots of people are saying hospice but they’re often not enough beds to meet demand in hospices but some hospitals have pallative care wards and lots of nursing homes also offer places to people on end of life care.

I have no idea why you have chosen not to seek medical help but it sucks

She's made it through the night, but no longer lucid at all. Shes been to my house thousands of times over the years and didn't recognise it this morning.
I'm chasing up macmillian nurse + hospices this morning.
Thanks everyone for holding my hand.Cancer is the most horrible thing in the world. I just wish it had gone elsewhere rather than to her brain.