I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

Was this for CandyMaker?

Of course they will admit her.

She is dying of cancer and will need constant pain relief.

She weighs just over five stone.

Do hospitals have the beds to do this though? Poor woman would probably lie in an ambulance for hours then be admitted to lie in a corridor. It's December and the NHS is screwed.

If OP abandoned her as suggested, they would admit her initially and then move her to a care home.
Pain relief does not need to be given in a hospital.

Yes they are in denial to the point they would stop me bundling her into a car, they won't even let me take her home to her own home despite 4 of us sleeping on air beds last night!
It makes no sense. I feel very awkward in my own home.

@ChristmasGrinch24 i just wanted to say (and I hope the people in your life are telling you) that you are amazing. Palliative care is a mother fucker and getting to the end is hard. But it’s clear you love and care for your MIL and she’s very lucky to have you. I’m so sorry it’s not been easier.

Thank you @Palegreenstars 🩵

I know I've moaned about stupid things, they won't matter in a month or two but I do love her hopefully I can get her some support and help and let her die how she wanted with dignity and not suffering.

Could you move with DC to MIL in short term?
Please ignore if this is a stupid suggestion

@ChristmasGrinch24 Firstly, you are doing a wonderful, selfless, job and can be rightly proud of yourself for the rest of your life that you’ve acted as you have.

Secondly, stop now. Take your MIL back to her own home. Your SIL and DH cannot “stop you” from doing this. You’ve given them this, and other ultimatums, that you haven’t followed through on so they don’t believe it will happen. Once MIL is in her home (think you said it was 10 mins away) ask SIL and DN to leave yours with immediate effect.

I know this is easier to say than do. My incontinent FIL (living 1+ hrs away) was due to be discharged from hospital to a premier inn at the age of 85 with a catheter and more heart problems than you can count at 5pm on a Friday - they informed us at midday on the same day! We had him at our house for 2 nights before moving him into an assisted living facility. It didn’t feel great but we had young DC, full time self employed jobs, and his refusal to wash (even his hands) along with his incontinence presented a health risk to our nuclear family.

My own (D)F has recently asked his DC to have joint LPA for his health and wellbeing as he has Parkinson’s and this will likely be his last Xmas. I refused until he provided comprehensive written instructions on what his wishes are in a variety of different scenarios where his health fades. This made him cross as he would rather not face his own mortality, but I stood firm and we now have a much better chance of facilitating a “good” death for him.

My DH and I are in the process of drawing up decision trees for what should be done if “xyz” happens to us so that our DC never have to go through this. I find this subject so triggering. It makes me furious when ppl leave their end of life care, and decision making, to their children.

I hope you had a better night and that SIL and your DH stepped up and let you catch up on your sleep.

I know you are probably fed up of people giving well meaning advice that you've most likely already considered so feel free to ignore this...

When our family found ourselves in a similar situation (waiting for a care home bed) it was actually easier to support our family member in their own home. We had a sort of rota of who would sleep over and pop in between carer's visits. I won't pretend the rota worked well or that it was frictionless and some people definitely pulled their weight a hell of a lot more than others but, after a horrible night of no sleep and catching up on all the cleaning and laundry the previous family member had not bothered to do, you did at least get to escape back to normalcy for a while. Much nicer on the children too. It also made accessing outside help easier as we could say that the relative lived alone with only ad hoc help from family.

If that's a path you wanted to go down I would suggest to your DH and SIL that your MIL would be less confused and likely to wander in her own home.

Think OP has implied that her MIL needs a carer 24/7 rather than just nights, and her own children (and she herself) have disabilities. The son and daughter, and any other family members who are available, should be providing the care in MIL's own home until a hospice or CH bed is found, one doing days, the other doing nights. It's not on to expect OP to run herself ragged, sounds like she is about to burn out. Are you in a position to pay for an ambulance from a private provider or could NHS cover the cost of this if she is end of life, to bring her to her own home? It's mindboggling how you have been abandoned like this. I listened to MPs the other week debate how poor end of life care was in the UK but I really didn't believe it was as bad as this.

Your SIL and DH cannot “stop you” from doing this.

They can. They can block the door, hold OP’s arms, take the car keys etc. They may not, but it is incorrect to say they cannot.

OP can withdraw her own labour and can potentially remove herself, with or without her kids, to another location. But she can’t remove the MIL from the home that the MIL’s son also owns/rents if the DH is determined that this won’t happen.

This isn’t a failing of the state. This is a choice being made by the op and the family

None of these options have even been explored though

?? If you read OP's posts you will see that the GP is chasing a bed in a hospice and that they are waiting for an assessment to provide Macmillan nurses/hospice or CH bed. The only option they don't want is to take her to hospital and I don't blame them. The mistake was taking her to OPs home which is clearly unsuitable and is causing the family there massive strain.

Agreed. People simply aren't reading the thread and are accusing the OP of stuff that she just hasn't done (neglect etc.). I hope she's ignored the lot of them. Some of them might never have even tried to care for a person in any such condition.

Maybe the GP has now found a hospice or care home bed and they are now busy moving MIL in.

Fair point, I’m projecting! My DH could not stop me in that situation but I appreciate that does not necessarily track across to other families.

I don't think taking her to A&E is a viable (or right) option if her husband isnt on board.

Unless she is having pain that can't be adequately controlled (doesn't seem to be the case) then I think it's cruel to dump a frail and dying lady in A&E, interesting that she might spend her final hours cold and lonely on a trolley. Its even worse to do that to your husband's mother against his wishes.

No, the current situation can't persist for long, but that doesn't mean she should be treated with that degree of callousness either.

Not a&e, the MILs home in her own bed, where her children and community/macmillan nurses can provide the care she needs. 10 mins from the OPs cold, overcrowded, home.

So the SIL kicked off and said I wasn't doing a good enough job, yet she doesn't want to take her back to her bungalow as she wants to go back to her home and can't care for her mother and doesn't want her in a palliative bed in a care home either.

She spent a good hour screaming at me all I asked was for her not to use bleach as it sets my asthma off and it's bad for my cats.

My house is clean BTW. I clean it everyday with dettol, but oh no that's not good enough. She doesn't appreciate anything I've done even though this isn't my mother.

DP has told me to keep getting the GP to look for a palliative bed and ignore his sister. That this is to much for us to take on and if his sister doesn't want to care for her knowing WERE struggling then this is the only way forward.

Sorry I can't quote because it won't let me on the app.
I've told DP if he doesn't put her in a care home I'm gone I'm taking the kids and I'm gone forever. I've told his sister that I'm stuck playing piggy in the middle and that this is disgraceful putting this all onto me knowing I'm disabled & have two disabled kids who are getting upset seeing their nan die her reply was "yes even the adults are getting upset it is what it is."
So yeah, guys I'm trying my hardest im sick of this shit.

Take control of your life and drive your MIL to hospital.

The SIL will rugby tackle me if I try to do that, please read all my comments.