I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

Are Adult Social Services still involved or has care passed to CHC/palliative last six months type care? I found Social Services were quite good, but they do then pass it back to GP/palliative care at a certain point.

Big hugs for you @ChristmasGrinch24. I’m glad that someone has recognised that you need help.

Me- I would call 999, say she's deteriorated and then get her admitted. They can then not send her home to you as it's an unsafe discharge as you are already assessed as carer breakdown by social services.

This is easy for me to say, it's not my husband and not my sister. I would say to the sister though, if you do not take her in to your home in the next day or two, I will have to get her admitted to hospital as it is unsafe in every way, for her, for us to have her remain here, even if she doesn't want to go in- the care needs more than one pair of hands, she needs medications and this needs to be in place before the Christmas period, even if she lasts that long (as nothing happens over Christmas).

Hopefully that is progress. Fingers crossed. I don't know how much it will speed things up but we'll hope it will.

I do remember this happening with my Dad. His case was an unsafe discharge from hospital and at home he was totally unmanageable even though my parents had private carers coming in plus me staying there. In the end we had to have him readmitted to hospital because his pneumonia (which had been the reason for his original admission) hadn't actually cleared as they had claimed and got much worse again. He never came home again after that and died within a week from multi organ failure. It was during lockdown so we weren't able to visit him in hospital either.

I do wonder whether he would have had a bit more quality time if the unsafe discharge hadn't happened, but we'll never know. I know he realistically didn't have very much longer left, and at least I did get to see and speak to him for that short time when he was at home.

I did try to help care for him, alongside the carers, but it was very hard, to the extent of near impossible. He was totally immobile and doubly incontinent by then and it was heartbreaking too. My mother is very mobility restricted with her own health problems so she couldn't do anything much and we had her to think about too.

I do know where you are coming from with the caring problems for your MIL. Don't listen to those shouting neglect! You are overwhelmed, as I was when I was in a similar situation.

I hope your help comes very soon now, even if that is in the form of having MIL taken back into hospital.

Well I picked her up, was rushing forgot my youngest sons medical kit from school and when I got home finally it was to late to pick up.
So I'm very pissed off.
Luckily I have spares of the important parts the rest will have to have emergency prescription in the morning if the school can't find it in the morning.
Just more running around like a nutter.

I'm not doing anything else I refuse so his sister can see how bad she really is. Sounds cruel but she needs to see this won't work having her in my home.

Also still no idea how we will all fit, my eldest won't share his room & my youngest can't due to his medical needs.
Maybe one of us can sleep in the bath tub. 😂

Honestly, take it from someone who really tried to nurse someone at home, but couldn’t manage it. Call an ambulance now, they will take her straight in, have all the specialist equipment. Once my relative was in hospital a hospice bed was found quickly.
it doesn’t matter what your sil or husband says, you are at the coalface dealing with all this.
deal with the fallout afterwards (and never speak to your useless sil again)

Not at all cruel, OP. At least some people have to sleep at MIL’s house tonight,

Yes. It’s cruel to her not to be cared for properly by professionals

Yes it is cruel, hence why I'm letting her see for herself she needs proper nurses 24/7.
MIL seems to have perked up seeing SIL, she still can't get her to wear clothes though. The hostipal rang and have ordered more blood & urine samples tomorrow by the district nurse.

She needs to be in the bloody hospital.

Stop this silly fighting with your SIL.

Your MIL isn't a pawn.

Wearing a dressing gown or her birthday suit isn't the issue here.

Call an ambulance and get her the 24/7 medical care she needs.

FFS.

Yes. It’s disgusting not to do this

But would a hospital admit her ?
Doesn't she need care rather than nursing and treating for an acute condition ?

No I doubt they would considering there's nothing medically they can do.

I'm just ignoring the unhelpful comments now.

Yes, at least in the short term they would. They would also help to organise care.

OP's MIL needs medical care not to be the pawn in an argument.

You do know when I say refuse I mean just not do her personal care as SIL is here and can do it, right?
I've still made her dinner, done her drinks & sat with her to see if she'd eat.

as for an argument there are NO arguments. Everyone's calm in the house. It's not some family feud. This isn't an episode of eastenders.
I'm going to stop posting now.

Yes they would admit her.

sorry to hear about your situation. I really hope your mil can get a place in a hospice soon.
In the meantime could the gp/ district nurse put in a catheter to help with the personal care?
We had to push for it (gp wanted nappies) but we got it. My relative was bed bound by this stage so no danger of tripping over tubes.

@ChristmasGrinch24 a hospital WOULD admit her!! you just refuse to take her home and she cannot look after herself at this time so they cannot send her home with no care, they know it wouldn't work! i have advised you twice to get her in the car and take her to a/e. dont phone for an ambulance. apart from waiting for hours for one to arrive, they wont necessarily take her to hospital, this is why you take her in the car! once she is on the trolley, you have done your duty and technically you can leave. just tell the doc her details and medical history and leave it up to him.

People saying things like this - MIL’s children are in denial, to the extent that I think they would stop OP bundling MIL into the car and driving to A and E.

There’s also the fact that many A&E departments across the country are at capacity and so odds are that it would be a considerable time before being found a bed in a suitable ward.

It may be very very difficult at OPs house at the moment, but I don’t doubt that MiL is also probably quieter and better cared for there, even imperfectly by family not professionals, than on a trolley in a hospital corridor for 48 hours.

Fingers crossed @ChristmasGrinch24 that a place at a hospice or palliative nursing care facility is found soon and your DH and family can be with your MIL and have that time as family not carers in her remaining time.

For God's sake, A&E is bad enough and under enough strain, and OP's MIL has stated that she doesn't want to die in hospital.

Hospice/end of life care in the UK is a fucking disgrace. When this is all over for you OP, you should contact your MP and describe what you have gone through. In the meantime, I really do hope they can find a place for her, because your predicament sounds hellish.

OP has said she could not physically get MIL in the car.
I would not leave a dying elderly woman alone in A and E. A dreadful thing to do.

@Cakemaker2222 her husband could carry her to the car. mil only weighs 5 stone. Christmas Grinch cannot take any more of this and it is not fair that this is all being put on her! the mil's son and daughter should both be ashamed of themselves! christmas grinch is also having to look after her two children (one requiring extra care) and I know how exhausting it is to look after people in the final stages of life. all they need to do is tell the doctor they cannot take her home because she is physically unable to give her the care she needs.

Her husband is in denial and thinks they can feed MIL enough that she would qualify for chemo. He almost certainly wouldn’t cooperate.

If you are going to berate OP, at least read all her posts