I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

I would say that you have done your part in making sure he is not alone in inviting him. If he chooses not to join then it’s up to him.
Maybe tell him that the invite is still open if he changes his mind and plan something another day with him at his/yours

I am far from ageist or sexist.

I have spent the last 5 years helping my 83 year old father care for my 81 year old mother who suffers from Alzheimer's and breast cancer. I go out of my way to make sure they are well cared for and advocate for them at every step of their journey with these wicked diseases.

And whilst I very much care for my FIL you know nothing about him from the few sentences I have typed on here. Believe me, I am not the sexist one.

I understand, I too have autism/adhd.

But we are talking about a man who was born in the 1940's. A man from a different generation, mil did everything for him (even bringing him buffet food at parties). My fil has never in his 83 years organised a Christmas lunch and has no desire to. When he came to ours he would eat it, never offer to clean up or wash up and then sit all afternoon watching sexist 1970's tv shows. What plans do you propose I get him involved with?

Obviously, only those of us who have been there understand. Sorry you are one of those who understand, it is draining isn't it?

Thank you Yazzi

No, not those sort of plans. The whole plan in the first place is what I meant.

I don’t know how he would feel but for me - being told everyone else has changed plans, this is what’s happening now and being told where you will be (a house I presume he hasn’t gone to before, with unwell people in it that he isn’t close to) would make me feel a bit miffed. Like I was the last spare part, kinda?

I’d have preferred a phone call during the planning saying “we’re thinking it would be easier to do blah blah blah, what do you think?”

I’m just offering up a possible thought process he might be having.

He sounds very difficult. I would ask dh to reiterate to FIL that your DM will be confused leaving her home, with her dementia/cancer so a party at yours is not going to work. And that he is still welcome to come to your DM's house if he chooses. You are doing the lions share of the ongoing work here - FIL needs to understand that. It's not hard to understand he is capable of understanding. My late FIL understood the pressure me and DH were under when we were going through very similar.

He has been to my parents house many times and has known them for 35 years. Although not the best of friends my fil and my parents are far from strangers.

Fair enough.

This is the reality of Christmas when your children are married and have children. One day your children will be grown and things will change when they have in laws to satisfy.

so he says "no that's a bad idea" and the Op then says "well that's what we are doing"

Sherry and mince pies with FIL in the morning then lunch at your parents. DH could do the sherry and mince pie, join you later?

Plate him up a dinner and drop it round on the way to your parents. Remind him that you can’t stay this year as plans have changed, he was invited but declined. That’s all you have to do. Go with the majority and put your family (DH & DC) first. You shouldn’t be held to ransom like this. Does DH have siblings that could take on some of the burden?

Do not change your plans you made provision for Fil he declined Leave him to it if he's alone that was HIS choice

you say you can't leave him alone - why not? He's a grown man and he's allowed to decline an invite. It's just one day. I find that it helps not to get too attached to ways of doing things and not to either stress yourself or add stress to others with your disappointment. It's not easy but it is the way of things - he is allowed to decline and you are allowed to feel upset at the thought of him being alone. But careful you are not projecting on to him.

Last Christmas was my first as a widow. My family all extended invitations but respected my decision to spend the day with the tv remote. This year I have accepted an invitation. He might genuinely want to be alone

I don't understand all the angst. I invite people and they're free either to a) come, b) not to come. Doesn't matter who it is, parents, friends, relatives, my child. It really is that simple. For me, at least.

You invited him, he declined. End of story.

This

This

Stop trying to please a cantankerous old man. Do what suits YOU. Up to him if he wants to join in!!!

I feel sorry for the poor old bugger. Widowed men often don’t do well. Maybe he’s become a bit withdrawn and insular possibly even a tad depressed. Of course he doesn’t want to go to a bigger do with lots of in-laws. He might feel completely overwhelmed. He’s on his own every other day of the year. Must be a grim existence in many ways. Give him a break. Be nicer to him and accommodate his new needs. Season of goodwill and being kind to those less fortunate and all.

Spending Christmas alone isn't a disaster.
I've always thought I would be happy doing that - as long as I knew it was by choice and not because I had no one to invite me.

I would think that if DH and Fil have lunch together and you take your kids to mums then DH can come to your mums later.

Is the OP supposed to accommodate his needs at the detriment of her mum’s needs?
Or at the detriment of her family needs?

Talking about generalisation: widow men dint do well. Well yes that’s because they’ve had a life time been cared fir rather than being able to organise things fir themselves, build and maintain friendships etc….
Thats a conséquence of their choices in life too.

If he's declined the invite then leave him be
Maybe speak to him and offer to drop his dinner in for him as you're close by, if he says no then you've offered
There's nothing more you can do
Don't change your plans to accommodate him, stick to what you've arranged with the others
It's his choice