I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone

I never understand why people decide whether others can or cannot spend xmas day alone.

I am glad from your later posts that you are now allowing him 🙄the autonomy to be on his own. I will be on my own, by total choice. I would NOT appreciate others deciding otherwise for me.

Just leave FIL to do whatever he wants to do and if that means being on his own then so be it. He's a grown-up. He's been invited so he can't feel left out. Does he live close enough for DH to take him a dinner? If so, he's got the invitation to come round for the evening if he wants to.

Do you know that FIL is refusing to come because he wants things as they were? Or have you just guessed this? Maybe he's an old man who tires easily and often doesn't feel great and thinks that a lazy Christmas Day to himself maybe with a light tea and an Xmas movie with his grandkids in the evening, would be great!

This. Sorry but he cannot dictate what everyone else is doing. He won't thank you for it. Be firm, it sounds lovely

You aren't being controlling at all, you are mistakenly thinking (you may have been conditioned to think this) that it's your role/job to make people happy. It's not, you can't make people happy that's all on them. I expect on Christmas day you will feel awful inside as if you've done something terrible not being with him but to use corny therapist speak you'll have to just sit with the feeling and it will go away. You probably have that feeling now and you are trying to do something to stop the feeling!

Leave him to it then. Why should you be forced to spend it apart to please him ? Sod that, he fits in with your plans or not as he sees fit.
presumably he has spent many days alone since your mil died and quite capable of being alone.
no doubt he is just trying to gain the upper hand and thinks you will capitulate, I'd just leave him to it. I'd bet £50 he will change his mind if he sees you won't cave.

Is FIL dictating anything?

Op has told him what is happening & he has said "no thank you".

On the face of it that's the end of it isn't it?

Or has he said he wants it all as it has always been?

This ^^ @Dreamsfallapartattheseams . It's good advice IMO

OP posted that FIL said he wanted to eat at OP's place on Christmas Day or he would stay at home on his own. Definitely dictating imo. Or playing at emotional blackmail to make OP and her DH feel guilty ( sounds like it is working too). And playing 'Christmas Chicken' as other PPs have also said. See who gives in first?

Our family lost my Mum in 2020. My Dad, who was 80 at the time, decided for that first Christmas without her that he wanted to spend it alone. He didn't want to celebrate it and wanted to be by himself. As much as this made us feel bad, it was what he wanted and insisted and we respected his wishes.

Fast forward to now, and he still doesn't want to celebrate Christmas with any of us and wants to spend the day by himself, doing his own thing, and is happy to see the rest of the family on Boxing Day for presents, games and a buffet. He is totally fine, but this is just his preference.

Could it be that your Dad has just gone along with the Christmas plans in the past so not to make you feel bad about him being alone when in fact he may have wanted to just have his own lunch and be by himself? Maye this year he see's that he gets to have the Christmas that he would rather have.

He has been invited, he has chosen not to attend. Can you call in for an hour in the morning or after you leave in the evening? Just to pop in and say Happy Christmas. Even if its just for an hour?

I know its hard not to think that someone on their own isn't just going to be sad and lonely but honestly, my Dad has been fine and has always just preferred to be quiet with his thoughts on Christmas Day. It is what he wants.

Nearly 4 years on my Dad still finds Christmas hard and doesn't want all the chaos and feels overwhelmed by it now he doesn't have his beloved wife here with him. We understand that.

You describe him as being a 'cantankerous old man' and 'stubborn as a mule' and say how he is going to spoil your Christmas, but maybe he just wants to be by himself this year? So talk to him. Tell him you understand that he doesn't want to attend at your parents and that you understand why and arrange to see him another time.

(I am sorry to hear about your Mum by the way, that sucks!) xx

Perhaps him saying no is being read as being cantankerous - but I can only imagine how distressing it might be for him to be around a person with dementia and cancer, so soon after his own wife passed away.

I can understand why he might prefer a quiet reflective day to fitting in with someone else's plan about what Christmas should be.

100%

You have very good reasons for needing to change the plan this year and there is nothing preventing him from joining in. Except he doesn't want to.

He's choosing this. Your DH should not be catering to it and missing out the family Christmas lunch.

Go ahead with your plans and let FIL do what he likes. I don't want to sounds hard-hearted but if he won't accept the invite that is his loss.

Put all this blame you’re putting on yourself to one side. It’s not your fault You’ve had to change the usual routine for an extremely valid reason: your mum. You’ve invited FIL and he’s declined. That’s it. You don’t need to persuade him or alter your plans and your DH doesn’t need to miss out on Christmas with you.

He wants to stay at home. I doubt he needs anyone with him. Drop him a dinner off. Have your Christmas as you have planned. People can be alone at Christmas, some prefer it. If I didn’t have DC my DH would be working and I’d find something to do…work, gatecrash, volunteer, watch tv, it’s just another day really!

I'm not sure its such a big deal for you and your DH to be apart for one Christmas. It doesn't sounds like it's going to be a new tradition, just, unfortunately, the way things are this year.

Its also pretty mean of your DC to "find him boring." Teach them to have a bit more respect for an older man who's lost his wife.

Exactly.

It's not the big deal some people think it is.

I would leave him to it. You're not leaving him alone, he was invited and is choosing to be alone.

I spent Christmas alone once. I got loads of pity which I didn't need - it was my choice and I really enjoyed it!

Christmas without his wife will be rough. Perhaps he'd rather raise a glass enjoy his memories and join you for an evening buffet. He has the right to choose.

This is assuming the worst motivation from FIL You don't actually know what he's thinking, you're guessing.
If OP assumes a better motivation i.e. that he simply prefers to stay on his own rather than go to her Mum's it will be simpler to handle. I would act as if that's the case.
If he changes his mind at the eleventh hour that would suggest that he actually was attempting to have things his own way but I would go along with it anyway. I wouldn't change any plans. He could either stay on his own or come to your Mum's.

Read the OP. Literally says it right there.

I cn understand that you are feeling emotional around your mum's needs and your wish to have time with your husband on zchristmas day. But yes... it is hard to have to meet the needs of three generations. Allow your husband to also make the best decision for his family, if that means him spending Christmas day with his dad.. so be it.

You have prioritised the needs of your mother your sister and your kids.... maybe this is the year your DH spends with his Dad.

This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned.

I'm sorry, Op but this is just ridiculous.

You are not forced to spend Xmas apart, you are CHOOSING to because you're over-pandering to the wants (NOT needs) of others.

Just say no and buy him a microwave Xmas dinner. If he's miserable on the day then he chose to be.

Your DH is not just a son, he is a husband and a father too, plus what he wants to do is as important as what his father doesn't want to.

Let him sit alone. I bet he'll never choose it again.

Old people are not children. You don't have to bend to unreasonable demands.

You are not forced to spend Xmas apart, you are CHOOSING to because you're over-pandering to the wants (NOT needs) of others..... You don't have to bend to unreasonable demands.

FIL hasn't made any demands, reasonable or otherwise.
He hasn't asked his ds to spend Christmas Day with him.
He hasn't asked anyone to drop him off a plate of dinner or a microwave meal.
He hasn't asked op to change her plans for Christmas Day.

All he has said is that if Christmas is not to be at op's home, he would prefer to be in his own home. Perhaps he has been wanting to do this since his dw died, and this year seems like a good opportunity to make a change.

(Perhaps op and her family have made it plain that they find him cantankerous, stubborn, difficult and boring, and he's had enough of it.)

Let him spend it alone. Mine does, out of choice. We've given up fighting him on it.