I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

‘By 7pm she's in her cosy PJs and settled in her chair with the tv and her knitting, ready for us all to sod off and leave her in peace.’

this sounds like my ideal christmas day evening and I’m 37 😁

Leave him alone, if he does not want to go, why does it matter.

You’ve included him, he has decided he doesn’t want to go. I wouldn’t separate your family because of this. Can he not come to yours for the evening? Or your husband visit in the morning?

I can completely understand not wanting to leave him alone all day, but you’ve provided an alternative.

I'd leave him to it. You invited him and he is choosing not to attend. That's on him. You haven't excluded him. I would however make him a meal and drop it round seen as he's local.

I don't understand what the issue is. He has decided to spend Christmas day with someone else? With his other children?

Oh fuck all of that. I'd just say I'm not doing it this year. You're way too accommodating. He's been invited, he declined.

Seriously, would you ever behave like that towards your own children when they are clearly making every effort to include you? Of course not.
As do many old men, they create a caricature of themselves so they get their own way.

As do many old men, they create a caricature of themselves so they get their own way.

Why shouldn't he have his own way? Why should he have to leave his own home to spend Christmas Day with people who don't even like him?

(Not to.mention the ageism and sexism in this and many other posts on this thread.)

I think it's hard to tell if FIL is actually holding them all to ransom so to speak or if Op thinks he is because the idea of him being alone is so awful to her?

He wanted to spend it at OPs house like he has for the last few years since his wife died, but she needs to be at her mums this year and he’s not comfortable with going there. So he’ll be alone. Which makes OP feel guilty. Which is understandable.

So from this, he was looking forward to coming, but doesn't feel comfortable enough at your mum's place.

That's understandable and also for you to have the evening to yourselves.

I think your latest suggestion is great as he won't feel excluded.

He's invited, he declined. OP is tying herself in knots to try to please everyone. He doesn't have to leave his home. That's how invitations work, you can accept or decline. Calling out his behaviour isn't ageist or sexist.

I'd missed this post Op.

Seems like a good solution.

He'll have a Christmas lunch & a couple of visits.

100% this. I honestly feel a bit sorry for FIL, he’s had an absolute kicking in this thread for little more than politely turning down an invitation, from what I’ve read of the follow up posts.

Lots of assumption and supposition based on the tone of the op (and op herself has come back and said he hasn’t necessarily been difficult in this instance)

Calling out his behaviour isn't ageist or sexist.

What behaviour?

Read the OPs posts. That might help you.

well that's a distinct possibility

I feel for him as Christmas in someone’s else’s home wouldn’t feel right when you’re used to what you’re used to. Plus he has been told this is what’s happening rather than involved in the planning. I would feel the same way as him.

Maybe if you give him a choice in the matter and take the pressure off he’ll come around. This is what tends to happen to me, after saying I’d rather not and the pressure comes off I realise in my own time it won’t be so bad and think I might like to come along actually. (I have adhd and autism if this seems relevant).

She made it quite clear that she does see him as a bit of a mardy old git and she's obviously angry that her family could be split because of his refusal to agree with plans.

I don't really care about the whys and whens, my point is they don't HAVE to split the family to ensure someone is with him.

If he's anything like my parents he is a master of emotional manipulation and doesn't need to say things in words to make it clear what he expects everyone to do.
maybe you don't have parents like that. Lucky you.

And you have no reason to assume that he is like your parents. You're massively projecting

I'm widowed and I'd make exactly the same decision as he has. Not because I'm manipulative, but simply because I wouldn't enjoy it or be comfortable spending Christmas Day at my daughter's parents in law's house.

If my daughter then decided that she was going to come to me instead of being with her husband and children on Christmas Day, I'd refuse to let her.

Of course my ideal Christmas Day would be with my family, but being on my own would be second best, and spending it at her (perfectly pleasant) PIL's house would be way way back in third place.

How does that make me manipulative? Why do I not get to make my own choice?

Keep the invite open to FIL. Everyone including your DH eats Xmas lunch together 12 noon with your parents. DH plates up two xmas lunches for FIL and himself to eat 5pm. This way DH has two xmas dinners and FiL one.

This may be a better option rather than have fil eating a Xmas dinner alone. However it will depend on OPs DHs ability to eat 2 Xmas dinners in one day

@saraclara it depends so much on the personality of the person doesn’t it?

Thats why I think the answer ‘if he offers to spend Christmas on his own, it’s his choice’ is such a good one.
Because, if he like you, that’s what he genuinely prefers, then it’s great.
If it’s because he is manipulative, then no one has fallen for it.
If it’s because he is cranky and likes things his way only (and is used to people doing as he says - like many men), then he isn’t forcing anyone to do what they don’t want.

You don't sound controlling at all, you sound incredibly thoughtful and empathetic- to the point that as you have recognised, you will have to step back a little here.
I know what it feels like to know that you won't enjoy a special day knowing the people you care about aren't enjoying it.
Your families are lucky to have you.

Thank you, you have obviously read my op and updates and understand.