I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

[Dreamsfallapartattheseams]

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

That sounds ideal

But that’s assuming

1- plans will never changed and because the OP has hosted for whatever number of years, then she WILL do it again.

2- that he has a say in how the OP is organising Christmas with HER family (I mean her dh and dcs).

Instead, it feels like he is taking everything for granted.
I wouldnt want to encourage him in thinking the op is here to always adjust to his needs.

Xmas is so difficult. I am approaching 70 have RA & quite frankly finding it all too much to cope with. Have 4 grown up children ( 3 with partners & kids & yet it is always me that has to cater. There was a rift in the family last xmas so this year we are hopefully off to our holiday home in Scotland with daughter who has special needs & our 13 year old foster son. ( sorry forgot to mention that we have been fostering for the past 12 years. ) Looking forward to a less stressed time this year tbh..

Why change your plans? FIL has been told what the plan is, and he has declined to participate. That's fine - it's entirely up to him. It doesn't mean everyone else has to jump through hoops to make sure he's not alone - he has been invited, after all. There are worse things tham spending one day alone, especially when it's by choice rather than enforced. Relax, enjoy your lovely day with family members who want to be there, and see him the next day if that's what suits.

Has it crossed your mind he might be depressed? Just respect his wishes and go ahead with your plans.

FIL has lost his wife and will forever miss her, of course, but he is not depressed he has actually done very well since my mil passed away. He has lots of family around him. He has two sons and two grown adult grandchildren who he sees every week (grandson and his wife often take him out to dinner or lunch) and six great grandchildren. He goes out most days.

Be nicer to him and accommodate his needs? I have been a good daughter in law to this man for the last 30 years, he hasn't always been an easy man to get on with (hence my sil not speaking to him which you would know if you have read my updates).

Again, if you take the time to read my updates you will see that I have hosted Christmas every year for 25 years. I have changed the regular plans to accommodate my terminally ill mother. Someone currently less fortune than my FIL. So yes indeed, I am embracing the season of goodwill.

Christmas can definitely be a tricky time of the year.
I hope you manage to have a relaxing time in Scotland.

DH has said this is probably what he will do. We will pop and see fil this weekend and see if hes happy to comes to ours as usual but dc and I will spend lunch with my parents.

Just talk to him. Tell him you’re all going to be doing differently this year and ask what he wants to do, Does he want left alone, a meal brought round? Could you all pop in for a wee visit before or after the other festivities? Maybe do an early or late Christmas visit on a different day eg he comes to you on Boxing Day for lunch ?
Some of us like Christmas Day in peace on our own.

What a lovely & thoughtful idea. If FIL refuses you've tried your best & that's all that counts.

Yes my mum and dad are the same (now 80’s) They’ve been coming to ours on Christmas Day for at least for the last 15 years only my mum now as my dad is dead but it’s as you say they get collected , fed and watered and then get taken home so either me or husband don’t have a drink. They don’t come and help, they don’t turn up with a bottle of wine. My dad was the same with the buffet thing and asking my mum in restaurants “do I like that?” When looking at the menu.

"You're trying to make everyone happy and sometimes that's impossible! You're doing your absolute best, and you sound like a lovely person. "

Well said @BruFord.

I think some people are giving OP a hard time. She is clearly an incredibly thoughtful and caring person trying to balance the needs of her own immediate family, her parents and FIL in the best way possible in these changing circumstances.

Sounds like you have a plan OP to see FIL in his home at some point as well as keeping the door open for him to join you all at your Mum’s once he's digested the change of plans.

There are other family members around who could step in this space to support FIL and OP this Christmas. Maybe it's their turn to offer to have FIL or to pop in and see him.

Good luck OP and I hope you manage to have a rest over Christmas /at some point over the festive period.

If him and MIL were so rigid in their routine (along with social difficulties you’ve mentioned) he could well be someone who made it all the way through life with undiagnosed autism. If so, change is incredibly hard and possibly he’ll come around once he’s had time to absorb it. I know I would need time to come around but the knee jerk reaction would be to panic and say no

I would offer this to Fil as a option, second to; I'll bring your dinner round, or feel free to join us for lunch at my DM.
He can then choose.

You sound lovely and amazing and caring but maybe you are a bit of an organiser and not everyone wants to be organised in your way? Let him choose.

I absolutely get where you are coming from. Some people just don't want help though. Sounds as if you try and always do your best to please everyone & I get that.
Please take care of yourself aswell & have a peaceful time.

We have popped in to see fil this morning, he is grateful for the invite but says he is only comfortable at ours, sadly that just can not go ahead this year so DH is happy spend some time with him on Christmas day and I will go ahead with the original plans. Dh, dd and I will then spend our Christmas evening at home, in our pj's watching films, which I am very much looking forward to.

Thank you to all those who understand my predicament (which is why I placed the op in the Elderly Parents section in the first place).

For those who have given me a harder time suggesting that I am controlling and over organised etc I can assure you that I really am not.
I can't help but wonder if you have little idea what it is actually like being part of this 'sandwich generation'? - caring for elderly and often unwell parents but also living with teens/young adults and also dealing with your own health issues? It is bloody hard work and if you are going through this and have it all panned out well then I applaud you because I actually find it a struggle keeping all my plates spinning in the air.
And that does not make me a martyr, I am a sensitive person who hates to see my loved ones struggle and suffer. Old age is not for the faint-hearted.

If you have no idea what this is like because you have not yet reached this stage of your life then make plans now because it is not an easy ride especially where dementia is concerned.

Regardless of everyone's personal situation, I hope you all have a very happy and peaceful Christmas.

A lovely update & all so true. Happy Christmas to all.😁

So true, OP, so true.

Glad you have a plan that works for everyone.

Glad you have a solution.

My dad was on his own for many years & by the time he was in his 80s he was quite set in his ways.

Well if you can't do what you want when you want in your 80s-when can you?

@Dreamsfallapartattheseams Ignore those calling you controlling.

It’s quite clear you are not and are just trying to please everyone and ensure nobody is alone at Xmas.

I’m 47 and my Mom is about hit 80, my Dad about to turn 89. And as the oldest of two children, it always falls to me to take responsibility for supporting them. So I totally understand why you’re trying to ensure that you have a solution that makes everyone happy and feel bad if anyone is left out.

Hope the day goes ok for you and you make some lovely memories with your Mom 💐

I think pretty much everyone gets that, OP. It's just we don't agree with your reasoning that you 'have' to split for the day. You don't.

It's perfectly reasonable to feel guilty about him being left alone, even though it is his choice to do so, but it's also perfectly reasonable to point out that you are allowed to prioritise other family members over him, especially as he is the only one who isn't happy to go along with the proposed plan.

Let him get on with it. Perhaps one Christmas on his own might change his mind in the future.

Your DH does not have to spend xmas apart from you and the DC, its a choice.
FIL has made his and there is no reason why your DH can't spend at least most of the day with you

Read OP’s update. He has explained his reasons and all has been resolved.

Thank you.