Pressure of expectations

[Barney16]

I have elderly parents who have previously been very independent. I'm their only child and I live three hours away from them. I'm in my sixties and I work full time. Over the last six months both of my parents have become physically more frail. They have mobility issues and just can't do things that previously would have been easy for them. Simple things like carry things upstairs, or walk a short distance to the shop. They find it very depressing and really hate the narrowing of their horizons. They struggle on but my dad has recently said that they require more support from me. I was completely blindsided by this, I think I have been happy to bury my head in the sand as they have always seemed so competent. By more support he means my physical presence, as time has passed when I go and see them what they seem to want me to do is general chores but really to sit and talk to them. It's sounds very innocuous but it's exhausting, not helped by a three hour journey there and the same back home. Their expectation is that I do this more often than the current monthly visits that I make. I'm overwhelmed by this expectation. I can't give up work and the only free time I have is weekends so essentially I would work all week, go and see them Saturday, drive back Sunday and go to work Monday. I know myself and I know that this is unsustainable. I love my parents very much but my mother isn't particularly easy and I have struggled all my life with her volatility and my innate need to please her. It's perfectly possible that I will just go along with their expectations because it's what they want but I know I will just become exhausted, I need to pace myself. Does anyone have any advice?

You need to arrange for carers to go in and see them every day if you can't do it.

Would they be open to facetiming? Then you could schedule weekly chats and they could see you (as it were).

There are some organisations that do visits that they might appreciate. Someone to go and chat for an hour. Their local Age UK would have details of that and other organisations in the area.

What they want, you can't give. The only way it would be at all feasible would be if you could reduce your hours and only work 4 days a week say - but that is only possible if you can afford it, and if it wouldn't affect your pension.

They had capability at one time to look into the future and downsize to a bungalow or other more suitable property. They chose not to do that - their choice! We're all responsible for our own life choices and then have to live with the consequences of our choices.

I would say try not to feel guilty because it literally isn't your fault that you can't be there more often while you work full time, or that they are struggling to cope in a house that no longer suits their needs. I would be arranging for carers to go in several times a week to support them as @Ladyandherspaniel suggested, but they will need to pay for that. It's not realistic for you to be their main support network from 3 hours away. Even if you tried, what would happen when they start to need carers in almost daily which is probably what will happen as more time passes. You need to keep to your boundaries and a monthly visit sounds reasonable considering you work and live 3 hours away.

You need to step back from the surface level of what they are asking (a bit hard to tell, tbh, but I assume you're right and they mean you coming up every weekend) and go round that to talk to then about what would actually help them and is realistic.

The good thing of what they've said is that they feel better when you visit. That's nice. It sounds as if they envisage you retiring now and moving near them. That sounds not so good.

I think some physical help - carers, a stairlift perhaps, befrienders, a cleaner, someone to take them shopping maybe - would not only make things physically safer but would break up the day more. And I agree with the pp suggesting video calls.

I'd stick to your monthly visit but I do think this is probably the point at which they will take up more mental space. I hope you have access to some good friends or some counselling because with tricky parental relationships the shift to you being the decision maker is even harder.

They’re being unrealistic. No choice but to point this out,

Carers can do a brilliant job, you know.

Why does @Barney16 have to organise visits? Appreciate her parents want to see more of her, but she realistically cannot do what they want, nor should she feel obliged to give up her own life to do so, good parents would know that. Just because they are old does not mean she ha to give up her life to facilitate theirs.

I would suggest organising carers for them, it is not fair on you. Nobody needs to have someone drive 3 hours to go to the shop for someone, anything can be ordered online and delivered, you could help with that.

I do sympathise and am currently in a similar position with my mother and stepfather. It was the same with my father before he died. Although I am not an only child, my sister lives abroad, so it's all been down to me.

I have found regular video calls help, at the moment I speak to mine daily. But I do have to put down boundaries and will not answer their calls during the day when I am working.

I am in my 50s and work full time in a demanding job and still have one teenager at 6th form, the older one is at uni. I find my life quite exhausting already without the additional worry about my parents.

Would your dps consider moving nearer to you? I know it would bea big upheaval but perhaps less so than you moving closer to them which a ppl suggested they may be expecting. You are lucky in many ways that they have each other for company. If they don't like the sound of carers and xan manage personal care what about a cleaner, gardener, handyperson to visit regularly?

The fact that they want something does not mean it is reasonable for you to agree to the request...

Make it clear that this is not something you can offer and tell them that their options are carers or assisted living.

I actually think it is incredibly selfish of parents to expect that a daughter (because it almost always is a daughter...) has to automatically care for them, no matter how many responsibilities of her own she already has, and put her own life on pause for years.

Establish firm boundaries now.

What are the problems exactly, just odd job type stuff or do they need physical care?
My parents did very well generally but couldn't have done it without support from me and mine in the later years. Dad died at 96 1/2.
Difference was I lived 5 miles away so totally different set up to you.

I think you need to establish what exactly it is they need, is it cleaning/housekeeping (changing the sheets and washing), handyman stuff, gardening, shopping, admin or actual physical looking after care they need?
You can't possibly start going every weekend, but hopefully you can set up the additional support they need to keep living at home and they have the funds to pay for it.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I have suggested a cleaner in the past, and all that happened was my mother cried and then tried to do more cleaning. She felt that a cleaner was a bit insulting because I was implying that she wasn't capable of cleaning, which I was I suppose because she can't. If I clean while I'm there they look at me rather quizzically. They seem to want help but completely on their terms and they have unrealistic ideas so for example if I said well perhaps a stair lift would be a help ( and we have had this conversation) my mum says oh if I had a new hip I wouldn't need a stair lift. And that's the end of that.

They do a lot of activities, they are very regular church goers, so not isolated but both of them to some degree and my mother in particular have extended family where they are literally are in and out of each others houses all the time. My mother would be ecstatic if I bought the house next door or moved five minutes away but I don't want to. I think that's perfectly ok but part of my brain feels quite guilty because sometimes they seem so bewildered by simply being old. Somehow we seen to be in this weird cycle of them seemingly wanting help but not any help that is realistic and may actually help, just unobtainable help, like new hips, new knees, turning the clock back twenty years.

I think it's house keeping and gardening and every so often DIY things. But what's odd is that one of my adult children, by arrangement, visits every day and does lots of these things for them. So they have their shopping delivered and my child will put it away for them. They make a coffee, he will carry it into the living room for them, carry the dirty cups back and wash up. This arrangement has worked well but it's becoming tricky They seem to want me to do these things for them because I'm their daughter and I'm just not around to pop the kettle on.

It sounds like they actually have a lot of help, particularly if extended family are popping in and out regularly.

You need to be firm (it's difficult!) and remind them you can't do more than you are doing. You're too far away and you're working. Have they forgotten what the retirement age is nowadays? If it helps, I'm a similar distance from mine and see them 3-4 times per year as I just can't manage more with work and younger children.

If they want to see you more often, then they'd need to look into moving to near where you are, maybe into sheltered accommodation. But watch out for that taking them away from existing support networks and then much more falling on you.

It can be the case of wishful thinking/grass is always greener. If only they saw you more often everything would be fine. If they just got a hip replacement everything would be fine etc. When the reality is that nothing will ever make them young fit and healthy again.

They seem to want me to do these things for them because I'm their daughter and I'm just not around to pop the kettle on.

Well it's just unlucky for them. Seems harsh but you're doing more than enough already. My DM woukd live me to go daily, shop for her and run little errands and sit and talk to her. I don't have the time nor the inclination huge backstory obviously.

I would suggest getting therapy for yourself. One of my biggest things was my "D"M expecting care from us when she never provided much for us when we were young and needed her.

Then get some stock answers ready. If they say they want to see you more tell them that it can't possibly happen because you work full time and they already have your DC visiting regularly.

If you suggest a stairlift and your DM mentions a new hip ask her where she is in the waiting list.

It's hard but you need to keep asserting your bounseries.

I'm ok with doing things like applying for Attendance Allowance area going by carers but I'm not going to be doing much of the actual caring for her myself.

They seem to want help but completely on their terms and they have unrealistic ideas so for example if I said well perhaps a stair lift would be a help ( and we have had this conversation) my mum says oh if I had a new hip I wouldn't need a stair lift. And that's the end of that.

You don’t let ‘it be the end of that”. You say “but Mum you don’t have a new hip, so let’s talk about this stair lift. Shall I call someone this week to get the ball rolling or will you?”

If your Dad says ‘we require more support from you’, you answer “And Dad I’d love to give it, but I work full time and live 3 hours from you, so it’s not possible to do that unless you move closer to me. And as you aren’t considering that, then let’s talk about where this extra support you need can come from. What help do you need - garden/shopping/cleaning - and what service or person do we need to consider getting in for it? Whilst we are chatting, maybe a good time to talk about how long you think you can stay in this house, what’s the time frame before we start looking at something for you with no stairs etc?”

It sounds like this conversations might be hard for you to have with them, if you think your Mum mentioning a non-existent new hip shuts down a conversation. I mean this kindly, but perhaps go over them in your head or with a friend, (you being your mum/dad, as you’ll know what they would say and a friend being you) so you are ready for comments and have answers back to keep the conversation on track to a positive way forward.

They sound like they are at the "want" stage. What happens if there's no one around to make a cup of coffee?

They would make their own 🙂 it would just take them longer to get to the kitchen and back.

I think you are absolutely right in that I need to have my answers in my head. And the next answer and the next answer. I'm always thrown by their abrupt changes of direction. They express a need, I discuss it with them and then, suddenly, it's not a need anymore because they don't like the solution. Often if I return to whatever their concern is they deny it was ever expressed. It's exhausting.

Gosh sounds like they are very demanding @Barney16 & pretty entitled actually

Im so glad you have said that because I think they are too. But then I don't have any experience of other elderly parents if you see what I mean so I question if I'm being uncharitable. I think my mum has always been quite demanding. If I challenge her she will say oh don't be ridiculous you have the most peculiar ideas. She's absolutely lovely if everything is going her way...

Well you have my sympathy @Barney16

They sound similar to my in laws who constantly try to make my SIL feel guilty ( she is the sibling that lives closest plus female so bears the brunt of their expectations). This is despite the fact they didn’t do much to help their own parents as they grew elderly 🤷🏼‍♀️

Similar here, stepfather demanding we come and sort out shopping, laundry, garden, hospital visits etc (300+ mile round trip) as Dm can't manage any more. All things he can do or arrange locally. I suggested I do an online shop if they tell me what they need, but they wouldn't accept this and only a visit will do. Every solution is met with a problem and "won't work because" (because you don't want it to you prat). I cannot stand the man and DM is pretty argumentative and unpleasant already. They've sat back and watched me struggle over the years with no interest in helping, now they expect me to drop everything.

It's caused a massive amount of stress and friction, my DH is sick of it, I'm sick of it (literally sick with stress). I feel guilty but at the same time I resent them, I dislike both of them and I work 60+ hours p/w and am shattered already, everything has to be on their terms and there's no acknowledgment that there is any demand on my time.

No solutions but I hear ya :(

I think it's quite common for them to have expectations from daughters (particularly) that is assumed and doesn't take into account differing circumstances now - people having children later, needing two incomes to pay for housing, women having careers rather than pin money jobs, often living further away from parents, retirement age going up.

Going back a generation or two in my family often one daughter didn't marry (there was one who was denied permission because she was expected to care for parents) and then gave up work (or retired at 50) to care for parents as they aged. But was then provided for by brothers and inherited a chunk of the house in the end. But that made that daughter very very vulnerable and would be impossible now with retirement age going up, no more final salary pensions etc.

You perhaps need companion carers to do what you do now. Go in have a chat do a few chores maybe take them for a drive shopping etc. You could find self employed ones with ( with DBS check and maybe references) and then it will always be the same person / people
You’re in your 60s three hours away and working it’s difficult to imagine how you can do more than one weekend a month without compromising your own well being

If you are an only child brace yourself because ultimately it is all going to fall on your shoulders. However, there is hope. Get your parents to accept local help through a carer, cleaner, contact local medical transport and try to contact your local social worker to see what she can advise to be put in place. Don't let yourself be side tracked by their refusing. If they can afford it, then needs must. If you don't put measures in place and you are in your 60s you will suffer burn out which takes years to recover from. You may need to develop teeth both to your parents and the medical agents involved. Don't allow yourself to brow beaten as you need to survive as well. How do I know?! Been there and done that!