Pressure of expectations

[Barney16]

I have elderly parents who have previously been very independent. I'm their only child and I live three hours away from them. I'm in my sixties and I work full time. Over the last six months both of my parents have become physically more frail. They have mobility issues and just can't do things that previously would have been easy for them. Simple things like carry things upstairs, or walk a short distance to the shop. They find it very depressing and really hate the narrowing of their horizons. They struggle on but my dad has recently said that they require more support from me. I was completely blindsided by this, I think I have been happy to bury my head in the sand as they have always seemed so competent. By more support he means my physical presence, as time has passed when I go and see them what they seem to want me to do is general chores but really to sit and talk to them. It's sounds very innocuous but it's exhausting, not helped by a three hour journey there and the same back home. Their expectation is that I do this more often than the current monthly visits that I make. I'm overwhelmed by this expectation. I can't give up work and the only free time I have is weekends so essentially I would work all week, go and see them Saturday, drive back Sunday and go to work Monday. I know myself and I know that this is unsustainable. I love my parents very much but my mother isn't particularly easy and I have struggled all my life with her volatility and my innate need to please her. It's perfectly possible that I will just go along with their expectations because it's what they want but I know I will just become exhausted, I need to pace myself. Does anyone have any advice?

Essentially, DParents expect you to give them absolute priority. Their view is that their life trumps yours. They have held this position for 60 years. You are their Elderly Care Insurance policy and they have decided to cash it in.

You are right. You have to define your response. Set up a new mantra, learn stock responses. Every contributed post here offers a golden nugget of advice. Personally, I'd go through this thread line by line. Take confidence from the replies and let them empower you. DParents can bring in external paid-for-by-them contractors. You can probably spend the same time as you do now, but be more effective and assertive.

OP my parents basically abandoned us with no notice when I phoned them and asked nicely why our first baby had dried blood on his head after they were watching him. Far too many instances of them being aggressive and uncaring. However when they got old my dad said “your mother needs help”. They refused carers offered after a hospital visit as “we are not at that stage yet”. They also told me they would make some arrangements with me! It’s par for the course with many elderly parents. Did your parents do any caregiving for their parents? Mine refused to as “we have our own life to lead”. The only advice I can give you is to see it a bit detached as if it a friends parents. You are entitled to your own life, the same as they had at your age. What were they doing in their 60s? Tell them they have to move closer if they want help and you have offered a solution (on repeat). It’s not easy but you didn’t make them old. Agingcare forum is excellent for these issues, it’s an American site but the same issues and there are some really forthright posters on there who are worth a read. I’ve also found out either on here or there that there’s a service called Driving Miss Daisy. It might be of use as well to take your parents to hospital appts etc and stay with them during the consultation. They will also take them round shops or day trips with their friends. Not something my parents would have wanted as there was always me and I’m cheaper! But if they actually want to keep their independence and have the money it’s worth a try. Set your boundaries and don’t move from them or it will take over your life. You’ve given solutions it’s up to them and they have to live with the decisions they make.

Could you work on the nearby extended family to extol the virtues of paid help/carers/cleaners... without mentioning your name?
They might take it from someone other than you?
At least let said extended family know about the pressure being exerted on yourself.

Oh and stay strong.. there is no reason why you have to run yourself into the ground when they wont help themselves!!

The best response is one that gives them the problem back to solve.

Sounds tricky mum, what do you think you could do about that?

Don't offer solutions at all, just keep getting them to solve it

They obviously need carers coming in to help.

I get so very angry when I read threads on here where elderly parents will not help themselves.

I'm old and frail. There's a lot I cannot do for myself. But I've got every aid known to humankind. Chair lift, rollators, walk in shower, cleaner, someone to do my ironing ect.

That's my contribution now. When I was fitter I didn't need these things, but I also didn't need my adult child and their partners support. I hope they can see I do (or pay for) as much as I can. So (I hope) they don't feel I take advantage of their good nature.

Honestly, if your parents arent willing to help themselves (by getting cleaner or having others in to help them) I see no reason why you should up root your life to help them.

No self respecting adult should choose to have others, family or not, help them, unpaid, if there are other ways of achieving the same outcome

My mum moved closer to us so I could help but in a casual chat the other day about retirement was utterly shocks about the age of state pension being 67.

I don't think some older generations realise we will be working until they are in their potential 90s, so that gap and buffer for us is now gone, no option to semi retire or go part time to help.

Although I would want nothing more right now than to retire at 50, and spend more time with mum, it's not going to happen until the mortgage is paid off.

You sound lovely OP but maybe they don't realise you need to work, or like working and feel you can drop everything for them?

If your parents are regular church goers then they have an automatic network of helpers available to them, they are choosing not to use it and moan at you.

My DM is in a similar situation but has had a cleaner for a long time. If something needs carrying upstairs it waits until the cleaner is there. If she has simple DIY jobs need doing, cleaner's husband does it. She's loaned her garden to someone at church. Similarly church friends come round frequently and are very happy to take her to the shops.

The whole load is spread round a large number of people so no-one is getting fed up.

I think you need to be clear with your parents that you work, live 3 hours away and so there is a realistic limit on what you can do to help.

They have activities, a DGC that visits daily and a DD that visits monthly.
I would really call them up on it, each and every time. "When you say step up DF what do you want me to do ? I work full time and you live three hours away.
You are getting daily visits from DGC, should I ask them to do different things from what they are currently doing ?"

I have been there with the cleaner too, although my DPs are a lot more self sufficient and never complain. I established from DM that she apparently doesn't want me to do their cleaning ( just as well really what with me working full time and living an hour away), but even though I filled in the forms with her to get full attendance allowance so she would have no excuse not to get one, she stonewalls me when I raise the topic and starts talking about how DF doesn't help (91, frail and with mild dementia).

I hear you, same here...but bigger distance. I have started to organise carers, but they hate and fire each single one of them. I do online shopping that is never right.
It is bleeding my finances and my heart.
" I want" is their choiceof words.
It is heartbreaking.

What was their response to you as a child if you said "I want..."?!

When my MIL was in her 50s!! She just got it into her head that DH needed to come home (4 hours) constantly.
Over the years it got worse and worse. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t pop up to go the shops for her, visit after work, refused to understand he had a job and children himself and wasn’t just available.
Then FIL died and it got worse. I think literally it was like the youngest child should be at home for life, not to do anything in particular, just ‘there’ to pop to the shop or do small tasks or watch TV with her. She suggested her pension was enough for them both to live off so he could move home, ignoring we had a mortgage (and a life).
She also would do nothing to help herself. Her and FILs parents had lots of children each so there were always their children and wives popping in and out multiple times a day, so nobody had the full responsibility. I think she expected that, but she had 2 children, not 8!

I'm so very grateful for all your responses. I think it's true that more is expected of daughters in terms of care and caring. My mum did a lot of care for my grandad, her FIL. She and my dad both helped tremendously when my children were young and through their teenage years. I do think however that when they think about it, not sure if they do think about it actually or whether it's just instinctive, they think about any care they may need in relation to me providing their care. I also think that everyone is bang on when they suggest that older parents don't really realise that now people work for ever. I'm no less busy in my career now then I was twenty years ago. And simply, I can't afford to give up work.

That sounds so tough. How do you manage?

I am not there but how about writing a list for every request - writing the solution and leaving it pinned to their wall or fridge? With ‘have a think’…..

sounds like a daily visit from their DGC, a monthly one from you plus the church help then they have a lot of support. You need to protect yourself

Emboldened by everyone's comments and everyone has been so kind, I have today been a bit more forthright. Mum was discussing her hip and I asked if she was on the waiting list, she said she didn't think she was and so I said well what are you going to do about that mum because it obviously is really important to you. She didn't really have an answer so I told her to contact her doctors. I'm hoping that gently pushing back either spurs her into action or and this sounds mean, she will stop talking about it as a problem whilst we find some practical solutions. The cleaner is still a no.

That's a very good idea. If I framed it as things you might consider it may work 🙂 in one way it's heartbreaking that they are struggling so much with just getting old aside from the practicalities but I feel like the practicalities are important.

I think you sound extremely level headed and very practical. I'm very grateful for you taking the time to help me. Could I ask what you have found to be most useful to you from a practical point of view.

Another idea is maybe framing it differently. When they say you should be visiting every weekend and doing more, then sigh and say "I wish i didn't have to work full time at my age, so I could do more for you. Let's keep our fingers crossed I win the lottery."

Say this each and every time they mention you doing more, hopefully becoming a broken record will encourage them to move to other topics.

Just a major 👏 for turning that conversation in a new direction @Barney16. Apart from anything else, waiting until the last possible minute for a hip replacement may not be the best strategy anyway.

Just beware the post- surgery rehab phase...

@Barney16 it's difficult to say. Day by day, it's the chair lift. But the rolators keep me from falling. I couldn't shower without my walk in shower and chair. And my cleaner makes me feel comfortable in my own home. What price can you put on that?

each and every aid does just what it says on the tin. It aids.

I guess it depends on the level and type of an old persons inability to handle it alone. And also what is important to them.

Great thread!

Sounds good @Barney16 ! Every time throw it back ‘what are you going to do about it?’ ‘Nothing? Mustn’t grumble then’.

Extra brownie points if you use one of their phrases back to them.

then write Hip = Doctors and stick it on the fridge.

people don’t tend to whinge to me repeatedly as I am hard arsed bitch who says ‘so what are you going to do about it?’. That includes my parents, they whinge to my sisters instead.

OP: I do not manage.
The more I try, the less effective I am.
I have found an agency that finds staff, and they mess them around all the time.
My DF is complicated. He has had a very, very powerful job, for a very long time. He is highly trained to boss people around and is highly effective at doing it.
He is a master at using psychological violence.
He was a military since a very young age, and he was very effective in his job. I am probably one of the few people who can withstand him.
My DM plays victim all the time: it's not me, it's him, but I cannot do anything about it as otherwise he turns against me...She serves him all the time ( he has some health issues), and then she is exhausted.
I have offered her to stay with me for some time, to get better...but she is of the generation who thinks it is her duty to stay with him.
It is a very complex situation. I am currently leaving them to their own decisions and looking at it from afar...

people don’t tend to whinge to me repeatedly as I am hard arsed bitch who says ‘so what are you going to do about it?’. That includes my parents, they whinge to my sisters instead

I prefer to call myself "a fixer"