Where do we go from here?

[GnomeDePlume]

Up until 4 weeks ago DM(85) was doing fine. Lived alone in a bungalow with family member close by calling in regularly (most days) for general chit chat.

Then she took a fall and broke her leg requiring surgery.

In these 4 weeks DM has declined so much. Her short-term memory is shot. She has stopped eating, she still chooses food but then just pushes it around a bit without managing more than a mouthful. She still drinks water but isn't interested in any other drink (she used to be a big tea drinker).

DM is now in a ward waiting for discharge to another hospital where she will do some physiotherapy.

It all seems too little, too late. She isn't getting out of bed. Her world has shrunk from bungalow, well tended garden, clubs, to the tray over her bed.

Is there any coming back?

I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for. It all feels a bit miserable at the moment.

DM seems to be sleeping all the time now. On a fluid drip as she barely wakes to take more than a few mouthfuls. Very dark urine but I guess this could be because of dehydration.

MRI scan yesterday but no one around to review it until Monday.

On the plus side DM seems less distressed, not plucking at her clothes. Just lying still and sleeping.

It's good that she isn't so distressed. Nit so many staff around at weekends so best hope is a conversation with someone in monday. But how are you?

It's hard to take in such major changes over such a short period isn't it,@GnomeDePlume. Your first post was only in October 2024 & you said your mum had been fairly okay before her fall. Was the MRI scan for anything specific?

@Projectme thank you for asking. DM's situation just feels ever present now. She occupies much of my thought. Even when I'm working I am keeping half an eye on my phone waiting for the next update from DB. Or I'm working out when I can finish work to go over and visit DM.

Early on on this thread @Sittingontheporch described this as a fast moving situation with slow moving people. I have come back to that description many times as it is so apt. It now feels like the faster the situation moves, the slower DM moves. Or perhaps it is vice versa.

@AInightingale we are getting almost no information from the hospital but I assume the MRI scan is to look to see if DM has had another stroke. DM's infection markers are right down so I guess they are trying to work out what is actually wrong.

It is shocking all this has happened in the space of 4 months. Prior to her fall DM was living independently in her own home with just a bit of gentle family support.

But I have today off. Today I will start making a dress for DD. The fabric arrived yesterday. For me sewing is like mental yoga. You have to give what you are doing your full attention.

My heart goes out to anyone trying to negotiate the path of caring for elderly relatives. We are all on the same path but keep getting caught in fog.

Watching out for your phone all the time becomes an obsession, I know that feeling well. So pleased your mum is more settled, that's all you really want isn't it, for her to be relaxed and not in pain.
Hope you get some answers soon. The sewing sounds just what you need. Take care.

I know the feeling well; heart dropping like a stone when you see a random number phoning. It's good that you have something to take your mind off things, if only for a few hours.

Hoping things turn more positive for you and your DM over the weekend OP 🙏

DM's infection markers are now right down and apparently her dehydration issue is 'cured' so DM is now off the fluids drip.

All good except that DM is mostly asleep, only waking for a minute or two at a time and those times are few and far between. Are they expecting DM to absorb moisture out of the atmosphere?

DM is described as 'boarding' in the ward she is on ie no longer their problem.

DB and I suspect that the ward will be looking to move DM soon. Neither of us really want DM rotating round the hospital system so I have made enquiries about the nursing section at her care home.

Blimey it does sound as though they think are done looking after her. Have they said she is medically fit? How can someone who has been asleep, non mobile and not eating or drinking independently for a week be in any position to be moved/leave hospital. It sounds like more of the same, no communication and no plan. Fingers crossed the MRI results reveal some info. This echos so many people’s experience it’s shambolic. Think of you @GnomeDePlume

Please forgive me for being a bit blunt.
From across the other side of the world, reading this, it sounds like she is dying.
This may, or may not be the case.

As @Anjo2011 says, if she is not eating or drinking for a week, it does not sound like she is not medically fit to be moved unless it is for end of life care.
Take care 💐

@Anjo2011 it's the siloed nature of healthcare I think. If you don't conveniently fit into one of their definitions then on you must go.

My suspicion is that there's some sort of performance indicator around how long someone stays on a ward.

No idea what they do if you arrive in A&E with multiple emergency problems. Draw lots to see which department gets you first I suppose.

DM continues to be mostly asleep practically all the time.

@Weenurse happy for you to be blunt and I don't think I disagree with you.

Unfortunately I suspect there will also be a performance indicator for patients dying on the ward.

DB thinks (or just hopes) that DM is getting better albeit very, very slowly. What he thinks 'better' will look like I'm not sure.

When you write about the current situation your DM is in, you could be talking about my late DMs final week before she passed away. Catheter, bed bound, drip, black hands from blood tests, IV a/biotics, not eating and constantly sleeping. The only difference is my DM had high infection levels that was sepsis. We too waited for results that never revealed anything. It is the most horrible feeling, not knowing what’s really going on. What’s your gut feeling OP? I was told in a corridor surrounded by staff and patients on trolleys that my DM was in a bad way, but I could see that myself. I knew she wasn’t going to recover. But I needed the doctor to confirm that so I could begin to understand what I was to expect in the following days. I so wish it were better for your DM, you and your DB. Not knowing is worse than knowing.

You are so right, not knowing is worse than knowing.

I wish I could trust what we are being told by the ward staff.

Our experience hasn't been great. This was the ward which discharged DM to the rehab unit with high infection markers while claiming she was infection free. The infection was spotted by the GP on reception and DM was put straight onto IV ABs.

I have been on for a while, so really sorry to read your updates @GnomeDePlume, what a horrible, uncertain and shit situation you’re now in! Thinking of you and your poor mum 💐

Still thinking of you @GnomeDePlume I don't know what else to say 💕 I think your brother might need considerable support when you mother passes, which of course is inevitable even if she makes it through this time. Or do you think he'll 'hibernate'?
Wishing you peace and strength as you navigate all this.
None of this is easy, is it? 💐

Thank you

I think DB will be distraught in the moment. He was when DF died.

Having had the experience of sitting with DF through his final days and hours I do see similarities with DM.

I do wonder if the hospital are trying to establish DM's base level with the withdrawal of the fluid drip.

@Weenurse that was pretty much my thoughts when I was told similar about an elderly relative. Didn't say anything because it wouldn't have made anyone happier or changed anything. A few days later he just didn't wake up.
@GnomeDePlume hope you have someone who has your back. Family or colleague or neighbour or friend or anyone.

@GnomeDePlume I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm shocked that the ward staff / doctors have not sat and explained to you about the current situation and what to expect next. I sadly do agree that it sounds like your mum is approaching end of life. Unfortunately it looks like you're going to have to be the proactive one and "demand" a meeting to discuss next steps. Sending hugs

Any MRI report yet?

Thank you all.

Today's challenges with the hospital:

• Does the ward have a copy of the LPA? (copies have been filed many times but seem to get pushed to the back)
• Has the MRI been reviewed?
• Can we have a meeting with DM's doctor to discuss next steps?

There, I have a 'to do' list.

While DB is at the hospital every day (except Sundays) he is absolutely useless at this sort of thing. He is slightly deaf so cant understand if someone has an accent. He then gets antagonistic. For all I know, he has been given lots of information but has ignored it because he didnt hear/understand it or it was given to him by a nurse.

DH does give me a lot of support. He has been here with his own DM a few years ago. His family is a lot more functional than mine so nobody was having to tiptoe round anyone else.

Loins are girded for another week.

Best of luck OP. Hope you get some answers re; MRI and you get to speak to a Dr about DM and the way forward. Take care of yourself.

The lack of communication is an absolute shocker. I always found it very difficult to find an appropriate person to talk to in the hospitals as well. Best wishes for the week @GnomeDePlume 🌻

Good luck. Thinking of you, it is exhausting. Make sure you’re eating and try to take care of yourself, I know it is not easy .

Hope you get somewhere @GnomeDePlume 💐

Good luck @GnomeDePlume, I hope you get the info you need at this difficult time