I just need to rant because I'm so fucking close to disappearing and I have zero friends, my husband is dead and my DC is only 9. Plus I have to attend her harvest festival this afternoon with a big smile on my face whilst fantasising about driving off a local cliff...*
Since my Dad died 15 years ago, my Mum has changed quite drastically. I'm pretty certain she doesn't have Dementia as I think i'm fairly familiar with all the different types, their early signs and different levels of progression etc.
I think it's just personality shifts as her life no longer has to be centred around my quite demanding Dad, anymore. So I think her true personality has appeared and it's like there's two of her!!!
She's 80 next week but you'd mostly never know it. The nice version of her is (mostly) awesome, laid back, down to earth (bloody funny) and in many ways, much more modernistic than I! In fact I think I can be very old fashioned in not just my tastes, but my thinking also at times.
However the nasty version of my Mum is VILE. It's not that she just randomly hurls abuse, it's that she becomes utterly incapable of seeing any thing or any point, from anybody else's point of view. If something is deemed as a criticism of her regardless of it being constructive or otherwise, she throws a massive tantrum, will not be corrected if she's misunderstood something and will scream and, usually, twist the narrative to reach martyrdom.
She will not ever allow anybody to finish any sentence (that's across the board with each version of her) and as this is my pet hate, you can see how we'd clash and oh boy, do we clash.
Today's latest episode began by me asking for rough ideas for gifts for her 80th birthday from my DD. I've never ever needed to ask for ideas from her as I {forgive me the self-compliment) am usually good at remembering what people like - even those not close. But DD wants to get her something Grandma really wants.
Well, today we seemingly have the meaner version of her so as you can imagine, it didn't go well. It's partly my fault that it escalated as I made a silly quip about the dead flowers she got me for my milestone birthday last month (I think I said something like "no dead flowers then?!" Fully expecting her to laugh as nice-Mum would've done). Wellllllllllll no. She didn't laugh. I got every previous gift I've supposedly 'disliked' brought up - none of them I disliked nor said anything of the kind. Then right on cue we got another round of the infamous 'Dress Gate' 🤦🏻♀️
5 years ago at Christmas, she bought my then 4yr old a dress in age 4-5. Loved it, but sadly she was in 6-7 by that point and it couldn't be squeezed on. I had two choices, either tell my usually very understanding mum, get the receipt and swap it, or put in charity bag and quietly buy the next size up myself. Stupidly I went with the former. Thinking that way the dress is still is a gift from Grandma. Got the receipt & swapped it. Job done.
Wrong. Every birthday, Christmas since when I'm asked what DD might like and in my list of suggestions when I mention clothes, I get this huuuuuge melodrama recited, about how "But whenever I buy her any clothes it's always wrong! I bought her that dress but nooo, it wasn't good enough, was it?" So I have to point out that the size was wrong so I swapped it for another identical one two sizes bigger? What else should I have done? I could either get rid of it or swap it? "But it was age 4-5 and she was 4?" Yes but at the time she was in age 6-7 clothes, so I gratefully & politely asked to swap it for a bigger size. What's the big deal? "But I didn't intentionally get the wrong size!" I know that! I never said you did? "I should've known you wouldn't like it! I'm never buying her clothes ever again!!!!!" I loved it! So did (DD). That's why I swapped it. "We'll never again......." Ad infinitum. Every. Single. Birthday & Christmas.
There's no other way of wording any of my responses either each time either, she still kicks off about how I rude of me it was to swap the size of that bloody dress.
This is just one of thousands of examples. It's several times a week that the nasty version of her appears. She twists my words like a helter skelter in order to play the victim, as soon as she detects that I'm about to make a valid point against her. "But I'm just sat here having a cup of tea and now I'm in the wrong" is a particular favourite, said right after I've (calmly) responded to something vitriolic that she's just said to me, to give an example.
I know you're probably wondering why on earth I don't go NC with her. Trouble is, my DD has not only a very strong bond with her, but she's quite literally the only other family she has besides me, as unbelievable as it may sound. Sadly it's true (and extremely sad and frankly worrying but that's another thread).
If I was reading this I'd probably be thinking: "but you can’t have her treating your DD like how she treats you" however the thing is, she's completely different with my DD! Completely different. DD can do or say no wrong whatsoever, thankfully.
Plus there's nobody else to do anything for her as my older sibling is utterly useless and refuses to do anything for anyone.
That's another issue tbh. I'm allllways doing jobs in her house which outweighs the capabilities of my disability but I do it because I know if I don't, she'll try and end up bloody chopping a limb off or something. I don't mind doing {most of} these things, I really don't and she is usually grateful. But the total lack of compassion (also across the board, even when in nice mode) alongside the ice cold nastiness of her nasty mode, just makes me sometimes resentful and angry inside. And having no friend/s to talk to about that anger & resentment once it's built up, is tearing me apart.
*The genuinely suicidal thoughts aren't just consequences of this issue with my Mum. I'm also severely disabled and fucking lonely as fuck (I don't usually swear but I need the cathartics of it right now, sorry). Life is miserable at the moment and woe is very much me.
So sorry for the essay. I guess I just needed to rant and/or to ask if anyone else has experienced this sort of thing. Thanks