My mums declining health - please help me I need some support

[oustedbymymate]

Hello

New to all this and so just need some support and help. Sorry for the outpouring.

I don't want to be too outing but I'll try and explain as best I can.

Mum is under 65 and over 60. Has always been a bit on the 'depressive' side. However recently it's become unmanageable along with a lot of other issues and I need help as to what to do.

She 'cares' for one of her parents and that is obviously a strain as it's been going on a number of years however over the last year she does less and less care and just says she doesn't want to go and wishes that her parent would just die as 'it would be easier' we pay for daily additionally care 3 times a day to call at grandparent flat which is in assisted living. DM refuses to acknowledge that she can step back and we can put more care into place but is insistent on 'controlling' everything but then doesn't want to do anything about it.

DM has depression. We have tried to get her to access services such as IAPT for counselling and she won't. She says it's a waste of time. We have asked her to see GP who prescribed 25mg of sertaline. DM starts and stops medication regularly as 'it's not doing anything' but she doesn't give them change to actually work. Nor has she been back to gp to say it's not working.

Then more recently more things have started to happen. She has muscle weakness. Can't open jars, lift things (she dropped my 1 year old 6 months ago - luckily I was right next to her and caught him but it shook me up and she seemed non plussed about it). She has poor mobility.

Her writing has deteriorated and is really shakey now.

She cannot hear. We have asked her repeatedly to go and get it sorted and even go private as it's just so isolating not being able to hear. She says she is sorted it. It's been going on for over 8 months. Doesn't wear the hearing aids she should.

Cannot follow a conversation. Associated with hearing I'm 90% sure but then it's also seem a lack of understanding or concentration.

Struggles to remember basic words

Forgets the names of the children in our family.

Had a strange walking gait with a foot drop

Doesn't take pride in appearance anymore. Isn't smelly or dirty but rarely wears make up. Doesn't get hair done and it's all limp and lifeless.

Recently has suffered with incontinence but not just a minor leak. A full flood. And then it happened in public and she didn't seem overly upset about it. Just a bit 'oh dear'. I was horrified and my mum of times before would have been mortified. Hasn't taught medical advice for this despite going on for over five weeks.

Doesn't earn well particularly. Is a little underweight.

Lies about what she's been doing.

She is literally a husk of the woman I knew.

She seems to have no joy. No purpose in life.

She doesn't exercise. At all. Doesn't really leave the house besides the obligatory visit to her parent.

She used to bake, read, knit

I have tried so much to help her. Things I have offered and she's declined;
Go to doctors with her
Do online food shop to be delivered at her house
Meal plan
Booking things like swimming for her
Finding a knit and natter club
Finding a local social club for her.
Finding help to support grandparent.

I don't know what to do now and where to turn. I really need help. Who do I contact to help me? How do I get her infront of a GP
With me so that I can be open and honest. About what's going on.

I feel like there must be something else at play. Alzheimer's? Dementia?

I have a young family of my own, work full time and a supportive DH but I just don't know what to do or how to help?!

My dad is younger than mum and still working full time. Mum retired over 5 years ago and took retirement to 'spend time with grandkids' which she doesn't do. Dad is great in lots of way but shit with this and is just burying his head in the sand. And says oh yes I know but doing nothing proactive.

I'm sorry about the essay but I need to write it all down somewhere and try and get some help from somewhere?! Thank you if you've managed to read through all that.

I’d guess dementia. You need to contact her GP and say you are concerned.
Who has POA for your grandparent?
Has your mum written a will and given both POA to anyone?

And does your grandma have a social worker?

Probably useless armchair diagnosis here: mini-strokes/TIAs. My mum was an amazingly active woman until she suffered a couple of mini strokes (noticed only because the first time she briefly couldn't write and the second she briefly couldn't speak). After that she completely lost her get up and go, and became, in her own words, "a lazy person".

Whatever the reason for your mum's change in personality, it's almost certainly medical. During the time I had to care for my parents, I managed to cut through a lot of crap by writing to their GP, explaining my worries, their symptoms etc in detail. It helped that they were in their 90s, but I didn't have POA. Every time, the GP took action immediately. Why not try that as a first step? It would be best if you got your mum's approval for the letter, then you can mention it in the letter. But I'd send it even without her approval. The more information the doctor has, the more they can help your mum.

I think if you write to the Gp they can ask her in for something like a 'well woman' check and do a mini cognitive assessment.

I've just beed referred for memory problems myself, and they do screening checks for things like vitamin B12, so they could do blood tests as well to see if anything is causing it.

She isn't prone to UTIs? Sometimes they can cause cognitive problems. Sounds difficult, I wish you well.

Some of those symptoms sound like parkinsons to. Anxiety depression, shaking, losss of strength and her walk. My mum has it and all those symptoms.

It could be early onset dementia or Parkinson's. It's really important you try and get someone to assess her for this. Obviously you can't force her. But if she has a fall then an ambulance will be called. Could you call or contact Age UK?
Other than that maybe she'd go into hospital, just for tests? If you brought her along and were supportive? But get her GP to refer her if possible.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with her illness. It does seem like she needs help. But I hope you can seek counselling for your own mental wellness. She's burdened by her DM, you feel burdened by her, it's all just a lot of pressure.
I hope you can find a way to get through this difficult situation.

Agree with the above - it could be dementia or Parkinson's. I think it's imperative she has an assessment asap. If she won't go to the GP then you or your dad need to speak to them on her behalf. Either of these conditions can be helped by early intervention/ medication.

The memory problems with apathy does sound like dementia. As you mention foot drop and a strange walking gait it sounds as if it could be Parkinsonian dementia. If it is, there are treatments which can improve her symptoms. But to get treatment someone needs to persuade her to see the GP.

https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/what-is-dementia/types-of-dementia/parkinson-s-disease-dementia

Is there any chance she could be drinking heavily op? Not saying it's definitely that obviously... could be any manner of things...but i was just wondering.

Foot drop, changed gait, writing changes, muscle weakness - those are all something beyond depression. And I agree with PPs that they're classic Parkinsons markers (although other neurological disorders are possible). And Parkisons is often initially diagnosed as depression. Whatever it is, early diagnosis increases the chance of there being some sort of treatment available.

Talk to her GP - with your mum's permission if possible, but without it you can still tell the GP the symptoms and your concerns, even though they can't share any info in return.

Thank you for for taking the time to reply.

@Comedycook no I definitely don't think it's drink related.

I agree re everything else. I hadn't considered Parkinson's but naively just thought of the shaking symptom and nothing else which she does actually have a little tremor but not all the time.

I will write to the gp. My sibling and I have tried to ask her to accompany her to go but she says 'there's no need' even though there clearly is and we can't force our way so will definitely write.

Re POA. Mum has POA for DGM no POA for her and it's something we are going to raise. Mum does have a will but I think we need to sit down and go though where everything is stored etc and with who before things become awful.

Thank you for taking time to reply. It's really hit me this weekend that I'm probably never going to get 'my mum' back. And I'm so incredibly sad. But I need to move forward and get her the help she needs.

Update. I have put a request though to the doctors this morning. It says it will be dealt with in 72 hours. We will see

It must be very difficult, I am sorry. I hope you can get some help for your mum, and I hope you can get your dad on board too.

I wondered about Parkinson's too, when I read some of the symptoms you are describing.

If it helps, one of my relatives was diagnosed with Parkinson's recently and started on medication. She has improved enormously, in just a few weeks.

Parkinsons or MS were my thoughts.

@Hedonism what improvements have you seen please?

My relative seems to be moving more briskly and confidently and the tremor has reduced, but the biggest difference I see is a much more positive outlook.

Its overwhelming to see this knowing that it will get worse. I would lean very heavily on the GP who can signpost and refer to others. Dont be fobbed off. I found that when the medical profession clocks that there are relatives you will be expected to do the work. Some people dont have anyone so they tend to focus on them.

There are lots of strands that you can reach out to, however pick and choose carefully. I found some would listen and make soothing noises but didnt actually help at all. Age UK told me to join a Carers Group (I was NOT a carer) and to take Mum to various clubs in the local town. That would work when you working full time yourself! She was in a retirement complex herself and wouldnt leave her flat. She thought she might like to go to an outside group if I took her!

You hear a lot on here about setting boundaries. I 100% agree with this. I didnt spend hours discussing issues. It was pointless.

Update again. Dr was good and listened wit what we had to say. He feels is depression in the first instance and we need to treat that. She should have been on 50mg sertaline but she hasn't been taking them. He's upped the does to 100mg daily. I've asked dad ti watch she is taking them every day. Mum was ok in the meeting. She did get upset but I feel she hasn't (and won't) accept its depression. I find it so hard and I know there is stigmatism around it for her generation but I really need her ti try taking the medication properly to give it a chance to work.

I pushed re incontinence and he has referred her to physio?

What else should I be doing now?

I have taken over care duties etc for my grandparent too

I would see how it goes and if no improvement ask the GP for a cognitive assessment / more tests best of luck

I would suggest this too!

Think you need to address your grandparent 's POA situation too . Your mother doesn't seem capable atm . Do have a conversation with her and your father about documents, wills , POA banking details etc . My mother died suddenly and my father had a hard time accessing her funds. Made him organise his own affairs. Sorry this is happening so early for your mother . Can't be easy for her and she is probably afraid to think about it too deeply.

I am baffled by the GP's decision. How are the gait problems and incontinence depression? I hope you manage to get some further help OP.

@catofglory I felt the same but I don't know how to do anything else as I feel like we have to try this first and then see?

Do we need to give the antidepressants time to do something?

Do I need to push for a nurology assessment?

Do I need to push for a neurology assessment?

I would, OP.
Can your parents afford a private opinion in the first instance, if the GP isn't being helpful?

And isn't your dad really worried about your mum's symptoms?