AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

[pallindromeemordnillap]

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

Sure, except (a) it was the friends mother who told her not to sweat the small stuff (b) OP cried because she expected a volcanic eruption in the style of her own mother and (c) being frustrated and irritable at other people’s shit is a two way street and OP has had it up to here with her mother turning life’s minor vicissitudes into her own Personal Crucifixion

Nah, its a phrase. Like 'you're a long time dead'.

Hardly controversial unless u think you're immortal.

OP wasn't told off for dropping the spoon.
She was upset at herself and her mum told her not to sweat the small stuff.

No, you have read that incorrectly.

I know everyone wants boomers dead but if you are 64 you might easily live another 20 years or more.

Perhaps it will do her good to be reminded of her own mortality and to ponder whether she wants her children’s memory of her to be behaving like this.
Maybe it’s my catholic upbringing, but OP’s mother would do very very well to examine her conscience.

I think too, if posters said their partner was really controlling about how things are done round the house, there'd be a flurry of ltb. Maybe her dad is a pain in the arse and never pulls his weight, but based on the OP, the mum has form for blowing up at everyone. Maybe mum does feel unappreciated as some posters have suggested, but in that case she needs to talk to her family. Isn't that what she'd be told if she posted here? Obviously swiftly followed by ltb if he has form for not clipping the cereal packet and refuses to change 😎 But not going on and on and on, to the extent that her child eventually snaps and makes a not very awful comment to shut her up. I mean, if she'd said she wished her mother dead that would be different.

I'd lay money on @pallindromeemordnillap being terrified to apologise for fear of mother kicking off again, so there's probably a bit of a stand off going on now.

Everyone going ‘ooh I guess there’s a backstory, you must have childhood trauma’…… it’s quite literally there in the OP.

YANBU OP, sounds like she’s been a lifetime of hard work.

Has she always been like this? As people age, their world can shrink and they can focus on the really small stuff as they have little else to think about. I have seen both my parents go this way.

My mum is a bit like this and it is frustrating. I’ve said things alone the lines of ‘you need to relax, you’re a long time dead’ which I don’t this is as bad (or maybe I’m wrong?) I prefer to take a relaxed approach to small issues but I can see her blood pressure sky rocket over the tiniest thing. I would probably apologise.

I wouldn't say that to my mother as I like my mum, but considering your own backstory with your mum I can see why.

Thinking on it, I think the issue I perceive with the comment is how specific it was. "You'll be dead in 15 years" has a whole different ring to it than "life is too short for this sort of thing."

People saying YABU seem to be glossing over the rest of your post. The bit about dropping the spoon stuck out to me. For you to have reacted like that as a child must mean that she was very very harsh and overreactive to you when you were young. I had a mother like that, would go crazy at tiny things to the point where I was a nervous wreck as a kid.

Hopefully you've done her a favour and made her realise that the things that she gives everyone a hard time about constantly really don't matter that much.

There is no maybe about it, telling someone they will be dead in 15 years is obviously going to remind them of their mortality. You slapped her in the face with it.

Hmm. I can see that she must be very irritating but I don’t think it was a good choice of words on your part. "We'll all be dead in 75 years" or similar would have been less personal. However old she is, "15 years" might not sound very long to someone who’s too scared to think about their death.

(Anyway, in my experience cereal left unsealed goes soggy, not dry.)

I mean its a bastardization of a saying and something we said in a general conversation the other day but the phrase is 'In 100 years you'll be dead and no one will remember'... not fifteen.

Fifteen years is not very far away and unless your mother is 90+ you are essentially implying you wish early death on her. Even if she is 90 it mean to reminder her death is looming.

Yep, right there!

I think that if she has always been this way then whatever you say to her is not going to change her behaviour.
All you can do is change how you react in these situations. It sounds like you may need to talk this over with a counsellor to get some perspective on how you interact with your mother.

Even if she is 90 it mean to reminder her death is looming.

I mean, at 90 that's probably a good thing to come to grips with...

We live with death as our shadow from the day we're born.

It's a bit harsh.

I think everybody aged 90 knows death is looming because most of their friends and family are already dead.
unless you have dementia and you think they are all alive still. I’ve never thought of dementia as good, but it must be a small blessing to believe your loved ones are still alive.

It sounds like your mum was due a memento mori. Don't beat yourself up too much - we'll all be dead one day

I might have said something similar but maybe... "we'll all be dead in (eg.) 50 years and will have no consequence then" 15 years seems a bit harsh.. unless shes 90 years old maybe

Anyone who is going to be dead in 15 years can maybe relax about stuff that will only happen in 15 years time. This wasn't one of those things so what you said makes no sense.

It's alright to think this.
My mother is a narcissist and was abusive all her life.
I keep saying something similar, but only to myself.
Very low contact, she's in another country 👍