AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

[pallindromeemordnillap]

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

There are a lot of people on here who have/ have had lovely mothers. The fact that you cannot understand the opposite option is a testament to your happy childhoods. That's beautiful. My mother is a psychopath. I'm 59 and I've had a lifetime of not biting back as a self protection method. I wouldn't have said what you said because it would have made my situation worse. HoweverI absolutely understand why you did Op ( and I've said much the same a thousand times over in my head)

HRTFT but I know exactly what you mean. Folk getting really excited about things that really don't matter. My own mother is the same and I once knew a woman who told me she'd kill her husband if he put his head on her pillows.

Absolutely no perspective.

I agree.

The op only retorted off the top of her head and I daresay her mother has done the same frequently, to her and to others. She didn't say she was counting the days!

Yes us too.
I am also a ‘figures’ person so would be mentally working out if this was statistically true. As a person in their mid 60’s I might reply ‘ well actually I probably have 17 years left’.

And as for the poster saying we hold Mothers to impossibly high standards, I see this OP as a child being held to the impossibly high standard of never dropping a piece of cutlery.

If you burst into tears at work because you realised you had just sent out a report with a typo in and your boss would be angry and belittling to you, would you think it was you being held to impossibly high standards or your boss was being held to high standards in being expected to not lose his/ her shit over this?

It’s not asking impossibly high standards of parents to expect them not to instill a sense of constant fear or shame in their children. Just like it’s not holding bosses to impossibly high standards to expect them not to do this to their staff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity

Why did you choose to criticise your mother and not your father?
He was the one in the wrong - the clip should have been put on the cereal.
Yet you don't support your mother in telling him to get his act together and stop leaving such tasks for other people to do.
Instead you side with him against her.

Do you think you are superior because you are above worrying about such petty things as clips on packets?
Do you think your mother is wrong to be annoyed that she is the only one in the family who takes care of such stuff, whilst you and DF have your minds on higher things?

Meh. We're all going to die and I think we really need to be more open about that fact so we can discuss practicalities and plan for it.

Was it a nice thing to say - clearly not.

Is she ever going to forgive you - probably not. She'll be reminding you of this for years to come.

Can you live with yourself - yes, you can. It was a moment of frustration about someone who has over years constantly nitpicked over small issues and this time you told her to consider the bigger picture, it was basically 'don't sweat the small stuff' but in worse terminology.

I could imagine myself saying this too, but probably 'Alright mum we get the picture' would be better.

Does your mum suffer from anxiety? That would be my guess. Controlling the small details is how she stays feeling in control of life.

I don’t really see anything wrong with OP’s comment. It’s true and some people need to hear it. The knowledge that in 50-60 years I’ll probably be dust and nothing much I do today has any consequence on anything helps me keep perspective and positivity in life generally. To put it simply, none of us are getting out of this alive.

Yes, very unkind. And keep out of husband and wife issues. She may be sick of asking your DF to do things he ought to be able to do without reminding.

See the many threads on here about DHs not pulling their weight and the support they get from MNrs.

The logical consequence of this has tickled me, the suggestion that the mother is emotionally mature and aware of her mortality and has decided to spend the next decade focusing on what matters (the freshness of her cereal) over the less important (her relationship with her family).

I have to say, I don't think you were unreasonable.
Maybe next time she'll think twice 😬
I'm surprising myself at saying that, as I'm normally quite a gentle person! But my mum can be tricky, so I know what it's like.

Well statistically you’ll be dead soon too OP so why worry about what your mum is doing or saying. Relax, it’ll be over with soon!

That is really not nice of her to put you through that during childhood and will have had lasting effects on you. I remember my daughter spilt something and I let out a big gasp and she shook and looked terrified, I didn’t mean to and gave her a big hug and told her it was okay accidents happen. You must have reached a boiling point to say that.

I wonder how much of the shock is down to you never standing up to her?

In an ideal world it's an OTT thing to say, but your relationship with her sounds far from ideal, and a breeding ground for all kinds of frustration, anger and resentment.

Forgive yourself and move on, as this is going into the catalogue of things she'll beat you with.

Don't worry - sounds like you've had a life time of her nonsense. Why shouldn't she hear your thoughts for a change?

You hardly wished her dead.

Did you miss the way she did the same thing to OP - to the extent that she grew up terrified of dropping a spoon on the floor because of how her mum would react?

It’s probably more about the tone in which you made the remark than the content of the remark.
I often tell my parents to stop stressing about the small things while they only have x amount of years left to enjoy their lives.
I will never understand the sensitivity around the certainty of death. We are not immortal beings and there is a degree of honesty required with oneself surrounding your limited time on earth.

So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon.

OP wasn't told off for dropping the spoon.
She was upset at herself and her mum told her not to sweat the small stuff.

This is a case of keeping out of your parent's marriage. You don't know what's gone on over the years.

All the anger and irritability her mum has had comes from somewhere and most likely is a response to others' behaviour that she's simply had enough of.

Goodness, if she'd just been listening to her mother banging on about it for 10 minutes or more, the very last thing OP needed to do was to chip in with yet more of the same.

If I had her as a mother I think I would have said the same thing!

she didn't say she was terrified of the outcome from her mum of dropping the spoon.

It suggests that she grew up always trying to do the 'right thing' because her mum was very particular about doing the right thing.

There is a difference.

My Mum brought me up to always 'mind what people would think' which has left me with a lack of confidence at times.

No, it was the mother of the other child who told her not to sweat the small stuff. Presumably her reaction came from years of her own mother treating a dropped spoon as a major crime and/or disaster.

OP wasn't told off for dropping the spoon
She was upset at herself and her mum told her not to sweat the small stuff
NO @MummyLongLegsss
Read the OP!
OP dropped the spoon at her friend's house and burst into tears anticipating being told off. The friend's mum gave her a hug and told her not to sweat the small stuff!
That was when the OP realised not every mum was like hers.

I never bother clipping cereal bags - makes no odds.