Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

[MalePoster9000]

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

What your parents did with their assets in the past is none of your business. You need to get over that and how much you could have inherited.

But they should leave everything equally split between you and your brother.

You seem to believe that your parents owe you something. That you being back home in your 40s is their fault.

It's not, and it's not a helpful way to look at it. From the outside; they're letting you live there. That's huge.

My parents were never going to leave me anything but anxiety and trauma, which I've carried along with a spinal disability from an early beating for my whole life. I was homeless at 13, in a Salvation Army near the only job I could get at 17, and had to bounce around and do a lot of jobs I'd rather not have done, and live in a lot of places I'd rather not have lived. There was no fallback plan for me, though. Nobody to go home to, and there's little value or point in assigning blame.

I'm nearly in my mid-30s now and I own a house, have a son and earn above the national average by a decent distance. I'm also only just learning to drive, but again, that's life sometimes. Some people get driving lessons and a car for their 17th birthday, some people get a room in a Salvation Army.

You'll waste the rest of your life tantrumming about what happened before if you're not careful, and that's what you're really angry about.

For what it's worth, I think they were probably ill-advised to sell the flat - but it was theirs, not yours, and so all you can do is have an opinion and then move on.

I didn;t say that. Way to twist my words. I said I encourage them towards high earning positions because low earners can;t buy in London any more. So if they want to stay here, they need to work towards it. One already is so clearly he sees the value of my suggestion.
I will likely help them, but not to the extent of buying a whole London flat.

Yes I would. I say this confidently because at nearly 40 that's exactly where I am.

I have no savings, I'm in debt which I'm really struggling to make a dent in, I live in a houseshare with three other people, and have a fairly dead-end job.

My life fell apart a few years ago and it's been a pretty rough ride since then. I've lived in four different homes in the past two years and was technically homeless for a couple of months. My dad helped me out a bit financially and my mum told me I was welcome home if I needed to come back (they are separated, dad lives abroad). They also gave me emotional support and practical advice which I am beyond grateful for. The events that led to that time couldn't have been predicted, but I am under no illusions that where I am in life is nobody else's fault. I absolutely don't resent my parents for not buying me a flat to live in. I think for the vast majority of people it literally wouldn't cross their mind.

I'm not sure I understand the second part of your response. If you feel your parents let you down in raising you (nothing to di with finances/property/inheritance) then that is an entirely different subject, and one which we have no information on.

The fact remains that you are a grown adult and you cannot continue to blame other people for where you are in life.

I don't think it is 'nasty' and nor do I think it's 'rewarding the brother for having kids'. They weren't proposing leaving him extra, they were proposing give some directly to their grandchildren, who are people in their own right, not just some sort of extension of their father. My parents are leaving money directly to grandchildren - a set sum which they each get - and then the reminder will be split between me and my brother. By OP's logic my brother is getting more than me because he has more children and so his 'side' of the family will get more. I don't think of it like that at all - they're not leaving more to my brother, they're leaving money for my nephews and nieces.

I don't understand these threads.

Did they give you a decent childhood and have they been present and supportive in your adulthood?

My mum didn't do any of that. I loved her but she was a useless mother. She never put me first and inappropriate and acted as if I was a mini adult to support her from when I was about 12. She used to get angry with me for not being supportive to her or daring to have fun. She would rage at me for laughing when she was under so much stress most of which she caused.

She brought me up in poverty, made no attempt to work, didn't give a toss about my education and then blamed me for not doing as well as expected in exams. she didn't even pay for my graduation robe hire, I had to pay for it, buy myself and outfit AND buy her a dress and shoes to wear my graduation and pay the lunch tickets. She didn't pay the graduation photos either.

She owned nothing and when she died I had to clear out her HA house to hand back and pay for her funeral she hadn't left enough money for either.

I got nothing from her dead or alive.

If you had a good childhood and supportive parents they can do what they want with their own money. You shouldn't expect anything. If they want to blow it all that's their choice.

Bloody hell OP. It’s not often that I read a post that’s as bitter and dripping with resentment as yours. You apparently put all the blame squarely at the feet of your parents and take absolutely zero ownership for sorting your life out.

Also interesting to note that while you’re badmouthing them for being terrible people and terrible parents, and bemoaning the terrible childhood you’ve suffered, you’re still happy to live off them by moving back home. Because obviously it’s their fault you were priced out of London and definitely not on you to organise your own accommodation as a fully grown adult in their 40s.

Fucking hell 😂😂😂

But if selling it was unacceptable you wouldn't have been able to realise the value if you'd inherited either... And if you're thinking about rental income I think you're probably underestimating the work required and complications involved to manage a rental property from another country as seems to be the case here.

Kind of in a similar situation where MIL & FIL agreed equal inheritances for all their children. Then he died and she changed it so her favourite 2 get the lion's share and the 3 she doesn't like as much get a lot less. For no reason at all.

So you are annoyed that your parents spent their money on living the good life rather than setting you up for life?

Your entitlement is astounding!
My parents have never given us a helping hand as they couldn't when we were growing up.
My dh and I have worked our arses off to scrape a deposit together and buy a flat 15 years ago, we were then able to move to a cheaper area and afford a 3 bed semi.
My parents now are pretty well off, their house, which they struggled to afford is mortgage free and worth a lot.

I don't expect an inheritance and encourage them to go on holidays and do things that make them happy. To be honest I've never even thought about inheritance, as that is just an awful thought!

If you don't like how your life is, it's up to you to change that not to rely on money when your parents die.
Which is frankly a disgraceful attitude.

my grandmother didn't leave anything of value materially

my grandfather outlived my parent

OP have you considered getting some Therapy. You seem very determined to blame everything on your family. You resentment of your parents and your focus on the fact that you inherited Anxiety and partial deafness is off the scales. Honestly I think you need to stop focusing on factors that are not in your control and instead try and focus on what changes you can make to improve your life.

@YouveGotAFastCar wow. What a difference in life attitude to op. You should be so proud of how far you've come in life!

Oh the contrary, I think that leaving 66% to my brother and his children, when he owns a big house, has a well paid job, and will inherit on his wife’s side too, would be actively evil.

"Actively evil"? Cool your jets.

They can't be that bad, since they let you move back home in your mid 40s and you even considered doing this.

Do you think the moving back home has perhaps brought to the surface old resentments?

Could be worse OP- my OH won’t inherit anything. Absolutely nothing. He doesn’t blame either parent and I don’t think he really thinks about it much- just a fact!

That’s a more a comment that they needlessly sold off three properties which, in pronounced contrast, had very wide appeal.

I take the point that this was their decision to make, if we’re all just individuals looking after our own self interest.

But it ran entirely counter to my mother’s professed statement that “family is everything”.

They're financially supporting you at 40.

Grow up and take care of yourself. They owe you nothing.

How do you think people manage who don't inherit anything at all from their parents?

I'm shocked by this post. You sound like a disgruntled investor! How dare they sell their properties at a time that suited them! You have no entitlement to any of their assets.

I'd be thrilled if my parents left me nothing. I'd love them to spend their retirement going on "lots of cruises, needless redecoration, and living the refined retired life." It's their money to spend as they see fit.

And that's before you get into the fact that it sounds like they HAVE helped you out over the years.

This mindset doesn't benefit you at all so snap out of it. If you're not happy with your lot, do your best to better your circumstances now by increasing your own earning power. Sounds like you might benefit from professional help for your anxiety if that's a barrier to self sufficiency.

You seem very entitled OP.

Are you unable to earn a decent living? Or are there factors which are not stated here? On the face of it you seem to have wanted input into your parents spending. As a parent of 4 I would be very unhappy with that.

I know but as I’m single it’s difficult to imagine living outside a town or city.

I don’t want to be the lonely ageing bachelor / nutter living on his own in an area where only families live.

There’s a few of them in my parents village.

I need the countless small daily human interactions of town / city life. Otherwise I’d go even madder from isolation and deafness.

Ultimately I feel my parents should have seen I was set up with somewhere to live 20 years ago. And they chose instead to ignore my issues and put themselves first.

You are honestly in need of therapy. Your mindset is awful, the drip, drip, me, me, me attitude is going to hold you back forever unless you face it.

Bullshit!

My parents are spending their inheritance, but it's out of my control.

My aunt and uncle had similar inheritance. They gave all their children 200k each. One of my cousin's has already gone through it all. Yes she bought a house, but then ut got sold and divied up with divorce, then she went travelling, now renting and struggling.