Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

[MalePoster9000]

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

You are nearly at the shark - just waiting for the drip feed.

For someone who is so expert in property decisions and management you seem to have made little of that expertise yourself.

Sneering at a woman in her late 70s who "only" worked for 20-25 years is always a good take on this site. Presumably the fairies raised you and ran the home whilst she spent a couple of decades polishing her nails.

But it ran entirely counter to my mother’s professed statement that “family is everything”.

Ah come on now, you're not living in a Trollope novel. 'Family' is not synonymous with 'family money'.

Although your latest update does suggest you think you're an unmarried spinster in a Jane Austen novel, who's fuming that her parents forgot to give her a season and then spent her dowry on cake and ribbons.

Indeed. If my children had done nothing with their adult lives but sit around waiting for me to die, I'd be leaving everything to the Red Cross.

I'd be interested to know how many years OP has worked for.

And what his career is and why his brother has managed to have a successful career and buy a home while apparently the OP hasn’t and seems to think that this is everyone else’s fault but his?

Ultimately I feel my parents should have seen I was set up with somewhere to live 20 years ago. And they chose instead to ignore my issues and put themselves first.

No, they needn't do this. I understand you are hearing impaired, but they have taken you back in, and that's enough.

My parents are mid 70s and I’m early 50s so not that dissimilar age wise. I have two brothers and I get on very well with them and my parents who I live around the corner from. I expect nothing from my parents as far as inheritance goes, I want them to spend their money and enjoy their retirement. DH and I have average paid jobs (under £25k each). If I get something great, if I don’t because they’ve ‘unnecessarily decorated’ so be it. Either tell them how you feel or stop effectively wasting your energy worrying about what you may or may not inherit.

Do you have a job? Do you have a savings account? If not, it might be a good idea to acquire these things, because your parents might live for another ten or fifteen years.

I think some of it is projected anger at my father, who was an angry, rage-filled mood tyrant throughout my childhood (and still is to this day).

I feel I’m missing any core of self-belief as a result. So my inability to fend for myself is mirrored by their failure to have set things up with me in mind.

Some learned helplessness is in there I think.

She currently housing an ungrateful child…I’d say she’s all about the family

I don't believe that parents owe their adult children anything, particularly not a house.

Most of us have had to stand on our own 2 feet OP, and yes, sometimes it's difficult, tiring and boring, but that's life for most of us!

I’ve seen this through my in-laws actions with early inheritance from non-immediate family when they were around 50. We are a few decades on now but for context let’s say £500k today, so a healthy sum to tidy up the small remaining mortgage, swap an aging car, fill up the ISAS, treat the kids, and cement the futures of your then teenage kids with healthy deposit deposits perhaps. Erm, no.

It started with a huge renovation to the main residence. 25% blown.

Not one, but two nearly new cars - £65k cash ✔️

A new bathroom next please. High spec. I want the best.

Private school for one of the 3 kids - yes let’s! Despite not giving the others a penny. But it’s mine and I’ll do as I please, thanks! Add to that cars bought and loans paid off, only to those they favour. For no valid reason. Meanwhile we will pay the lease on the car that you could’ve helped with.

Hang on, we surely need another property so
lets use most of the remainder to buy another place, 200 miles away, where we will need another mortgage to cover the rest, and then we’ll need to renovate it for years at great cost and time. Just when our first grandchild arrives.

20 years later they’ve inherited again from direct family and although helped a little with a car purchase, are simply blowing through wealth from family assets by spending it on cars and possessions. Not once throughout this COL crisis have they actually sat their son down and asked, are you ok, and can we help you, despite it being fairly obvious of our struggles.

This makes it so hard to be in their company as we feel that they are totally out of touch with our lives. Yet they have opinions on everything and sympathy for others but seemingly not us.

I’ve seen and heard meanness from my MIL in relation to gifting at Christmas. Setting low limits for spending and then turning up in a new coat and new boots worth hundreds that she’d spent on herself.

I think I’ve this sort of resentment starts, it amplifies and ends up building. They’ve damaged relations with their own kids through needless greed and failure to recognise the importance of protecting and growing familial wealth that could benefit so many more generations.

Awaits the “it’s their money their choice” brigade. Well, it stinks!

OP you have my sympathies.

You seem very self aware OP regarding your father’s behaviour and its effect on you. So why not use some of that self awareness and be the heroine of your own life and not a victim.

I just want to assure you that even profoundly deaf people can drive. Please don't let that put you off.

So my inability to fend for myself is mirrored by their failure to have set things up with me in mind.

Their failure..... Wow.

So my inability to fend for myself is mirrored by their failure to have set things up with me in mind.

Their failure..... Wow.

Why wish your parents had bought? Why not wish YOU had bought?

Plenty of towns and cities exist besides London? Do you think people in those places are born middle aged with 3 kids? You're 40+ living with your mum sulking because you haven't been handed your dream life on a platter. Grow up.

@MalePoster9000 are you for real??? what the hell has partial deafness got to do with inheritance and being able to drive???? I am also half deaf and my deafness seemed to make my mother give me nothing but I have been the most successful in the family!! I have been driving all my life and deafness makes absolutely no difference!! personally, i believe everything should be left equally to siblings and going on about them not consulting you is ridiculous. you have shit to do with their money before you inherit. you seem to think you have a given right to demand that they purchase a home for you. your bad choices are to blame for where you are in life, not theirs!!

No job. I’m on UC and getting help from a back to work charity. Not paying parents any rent, they’d never ask.

Transport is extremely difficult from my parent’s village if you don’t drive. I don’t know anyone in the county as I moved away aged 28.

Had to leave rented flat in London due to proposed £750pm rent increase!

I think your parents should leave their estate equally between your brother, I hope they have fixed that.

Whilst I do think their wealth was for them to use how they wished, I can see how bitterly disappointing it must be. I've not had any financial help not do I expect to inherit anything. However, I've seen a relative sell an extremely valuable London property and piss the money up the wall, and I still wince for them.

You need to find a way to set the bitterness aside. I would make it clear to parents that you want a 50% share (not that you can force them). And then remind yourself that we can't take our wealth to our graves and find a way to make peace with this.

No wonder they don’t want to leave you anything - have you read your posts ? They probably think You’re just a money grabbing entitled child.

Moved away aged 18, that should read.

I got a good arts degree and MA but didn’t make much of them. Would have been better doing something more practical. I definitely blew a lot of opportunities 1999-2008.

And what of your brother?

They made a film about this, I think it was called The Aristocats? Is your name Edgar?