Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

[MalePoster9000]

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

Why don't you have a pot to piss in in your mid 40s, op?
What have you actually done with your life so far? Anything?

Get off your arse and go and adult.

Why on earth shouldn’t they live somewhere that suits them?

OP you need to decide whether you want a good relationship with your parents or not. If you do you just have to let all this inheritance stuff go. The future, your future, is totally in your control just as is your relationship.

I am aware of the fact that my DC wil find it very hard to buy in London. I have therefore encouraged them to take up high earning positions ( as I did, though i changed later once I had saved enough). I am not ruling out helping them, but I wouldn't be happy if they did nothing to deserve it.

This is so weird - you are an adult and your parents are not dead. They can buy, sell, spend and do whatever they want with their own money - they dont need to ask your permission or consult you. You need to stand on your own two feet - arent you pleased your parents have had a long comfortable retirement? Isnt that what we all want for our family? Not every generation gets the same - you have to work with what you have and enjoy life. Tbh you sound very entitled and a bit obsessed with money. Enjoy your parents being independent and enjoy them while they are still here. You are not entitled to a penny of their money and youll be happier if you realise that and let it go. Frankly Id want my parents to use every pound exploring the world and enjoying life - not putting it in a pot for me for later - once basics are covered money is meaningless... i say this as someone whose remaining parent doesnt have long left to live but is trekking in Nepal right now - and Im so proud of him.

Exactly, and a double 'Holy entitlement Batman!!'
You're annoyed that they live in a house that suits them, not you?
If your dB lost his job... would you be alright with your parents following your logic and leaving everything to him?
Are you expecting that because you live in your parents home, you'll get it all?

Gently, you have to let this go. The money in the past was never yours and your bitterness is spoiling your life in the present.

I see your point, in that it is hard to see your parents behave in a way that is self-indulgent or feckless. Of course it will feel unfair if they benefit from generational wealth but don’t pay that forward to the next generation.

Having said that, it sounds as if you are still in quite a childish mindset yourself. Still relying on them, still resenting them. You need to separate from your parents so you can put their behaviour into perspective. When we reach middle age we learn to accept our parents as flawed individuals who are usually trying their best. I feel like you need to go on that journey.

You are only ruining your own life thinking like this

I think you've hitnthe nail on the head there. You situation is what it is and the only way to change it is to think about what you can do to change it. Nothing else is going to help you and will only make you miserable.

@HoppingPavlova never mind them. Why not Amazon and Google!?
Hang your head in SHAME!!

Why are you living with your parents, you don't seem to like them much.

*But my old London landlord and his sibling were from an aspirational, money-making working class background. Their parents gifted them a property when they were in their mid-30s. They have now has 25 years of rental income from it, and will presumably pass this 7-figure asset on to the next generation.

My parents should have done the same (whether keeping hold of the properties with my uncle or passing them on) but didn’t. My uncle’s children also haven’t been able to get on the ladder.

Instead like another precious poster says, they’ve had lots of cruises, needless redecoration, and living the refined retired life.

My mother is first to talk about illustrious ancestors and bring out the old photo albums, but this has not been backed up by keeping hold of and growing what she was left.*

This is so sad to read, it's so horrible to see peoples' existence focus around money, and hear all of the bitterness that comes with that.

My parents could have had loads of assets too. They weren't that great with money and don't have any extra assets. I still love(/loved) them, they've supported me how they can. I'm struggling with housing and the future but they don't have the resources to help me out. I'm not going back 30 years through their ledgers to see if they could have saved this lump sum here or turned this investment there. It's fucking weird. Of course we all ponder what life would be like if we could have had that or done this, but to actually voice it to your parents is cruel and entitled.

Can you not see how it's very clear to them that to you, they are just a cash cow?

Bloody hell, OP.

DH's sister is married to a man who's had several inheritances, being an only child of two only children. They both work, while I'm unable to, and inherited nothing from my parents to boot, and consequently they're far, far more financially comfortable than us. We're more in the 'just about managing' category. But the idea that DH's parents had a duty to allow for this in their wills, to compensate DH for the inequality, or that he should have a say in how their money is spent, is laughable.
Life isn't fair. And when you're on the wrong side of the scales, it's shit. We both know this. But complaining like this will get you nowhere. Worse than that. Your attitude might get you disinherited altogether.

OP you really seem to have a victim mentality. Your parents do not owe you repeated gifts and freebies throughout your adult life

You mention you have anxiety and are partially deaf - really those things should not stop you living your life or getting a job

I am around your age, and have Anxiety disorder and also have a progressive illness that will kill me within the next five years....but yknow what, I am working full time and not sitting here bleating about it

You have anxiety and are partially deaf, you should count yourself lucky that things are not worse

Alone living with his parents with no outgoings. And many people are partially deaf!!

But if you didn’t have a proverbial pot to piss in, in your mid 40s, would you feel the same way?

I would question my OWN life choices of why. Not my parents choices.

What job do you have? How much savings did you have before getting parents to house you? How much rent are you paying them and how much are you putting away each month? Why couldn't you stay in your London flat or one nearby instead of running home? You've had twenty plus years to make something of yourself, why haven't you?

What a whiny baby. Yes it's annoying that they wasted lots of money, but it is nothing to do with your failure to launch.

Well op, if we are talking sob stories and life's unfairness.

My sibling has married with children, has a well to do career as does their spouse and their own home. Spouses parents are close to millionaires too of not over if so there'll be an inheritance on that side.

I am a 24/7 live in carer for a parent and other family member and have been since teenage years. Couldn't go to uni because of caring responsibilities, still approaching middle age and still caring. Sibling almost nothing to help but expects constant childcare too on top of caring for parent and older demanding relative.

Haven't married or had kids, no job other than constant caring so no chance to build up my own savings or get a break.

One of our parents died many years ago, the other is ill but still going. The only inheritance is the house which is falling down around the remaining parents ears because they won't maintain it. No savings whatsoever.

House will still go 50 50 in will once everything is paid for as we both are their children.

The benefits of the beautiful house and farm that my great great grandfather (from a dirt poor background) worked his backside off to own vanished within a generation, with zero coming our branches way, all sorts of real skullduggery alleged.

I imagine that it is worth considerably more than the sold flat you refer to, but as the decisions good and ill of previous generations are beyond my control, it doesn't bother me or inform my life at all

You will get 50% of your parents estate. Harping over their past "mistakes" in the property market will not help you have a happy life, OP.

OP take some responsibility for yourself. I also grew up with a father who could be an emotional tyrant, have late-diagnosed neurodiversity and have been hospitalised from severe mental health issues in the past. So I’m not speaking from a position of having had an easy breezy life. But I always knew I had to work towards financial stability and make the necessary effort to engage with treatment with my mental health, and as a result I bought a cheap London flat entirely solo with no help from my parents as they don’t have a pot to piss in. Even if they were millionaires I wouldn’t feel entitled to their money. I wish they were going on lavish holidays and decorating instead of sitting miserably in retirement on the state pension.

Wow! Only ‘deserving’ your inheritance if they ‘take up a high earning position’? Nothing to do with love or relationship then? And where are these high earning positions you can just ‘take up’? I’d like one.

You'd be much happier if you learnt to be grateful for what you do have op.

You've been an adult for over 20yrs, you don't have children and could have worked and saved, made your own financial plan for the future, to pad your own nest..... what have you been doing all these years? Waiting for more hand outs from mummy and pops?

These awful parents of yours have even taken you back in and given you a place to stay... they didn't have to do that.

You are 40 something, stop feeling hard done by and take some control and responsibility for yourself, I'd be embarrassed if you were my son, honestly.

This. Other, cheaper places to live are available, I hear they even have properties and jobs outside London.