Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

[MalePoster9000]

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

Nah you can’t possibly be this selfish. Come on now, you have been financially leeching off your parents for decades and it still doesn’t meet your standards. I can’t believe anyone could be this utterly pathetic and entitled.

You sound very unhappy OP. I don’t think this thread will help.

Your parents don’t owe you anything. They’ve given you support at various times, but you think they could have done more to alleviate your misery. Believe me, they couldn’t. Your unhappiness is about your disappointment in you, not them. I am genuinely sorry you feel this way.

I think a lot of these posts are unnecessarily harsh because, although you don't paint yourself in glory, you are ultimately really low and down on yourself and your life. You are focusing on how life could be different if your parents made different choices but you should be focusing on you.

Are you ever going to take responsibility for your own choices and decisions?

Your poor parents :-(

To be fair I’m only back here as I had to move out of my long-term home in inner London due to a £750pm rent increase. I never learned to drive as I’ve always lived in London.

No youre back there because you have chosen to go back
A grown adult would normally be able to live independently by the time they are your age, regardless of circumstances that may change and would rather look for their own property than move in with their elderly parents who they resent so much.
And again not learning to drive in London was another one of your choices, millions of people have chosen to learn in London
Stop making excuses for the way your life has turned out. Anything you're not happy with change it and stop blaming everyone else.

😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮

Your parents helped with your rent for 2/3 of your time living in London.

Just wow.

I've never had a penny from my parents (my dad has plenty of money but he grew up poor, money is his security and he hoards it all).

I'm 32 and I'm buying a million pound house with my salary, which I've worked hard for.

I realise our lives are very different - but honestly you've got to realise how much your parents have given you (probably to your detriment! You now think being given things is normal).

When I asked my Dad for £100 when I moved to London and couldn't afford a mattress, he laughed at me. There was no way he was giving me or my brothers anything.

I still love and adore my parents. They taught me to work hard

I would never have suggested to my parents that I’d be due any more than 50%. That would be off-limits even for me! But yes I also had to make clear a 66/33 split would have been deeply unfair to me. Brother’s net worth must be £1m+ by now.

You’re not ‘due’ the 33% either!

You’re sitting in your parents house, using their wifi complaining online on MN, how unfairly your parents are treating you. This is embarrassing.

What would be deeply unfair would be if all the money your parents have given you over the years was not deducted from your inheritance, surely your brother can see this? I’d be raging if I was him!

I'm not sure net worth comes into it. Presumably most of his £1m is the property he lives in with his family, not money actually available to spend. Your parents don't owe you some sort of equalisation exercise to put you closer to your brother's position in life.

My sibling and I had the same opportunities in life. I've worked hard. He has chosen not to. He's happy with his life and has turned down promotions many times because he doesn't want to work harder. If my parents left him more than 50% in their wills, I'd be very upset. But 50/50 is fair. Or whatever amounts to equal division.

Posters who know about this - could the op have narcissistic personality disorder? For me it's the complete inability to consider at all any of the criticism levelled at him.

Op. With no friends, no money and no job; your parents are your everything. Continue to shit on them at your peril.

Thanks for your post! My support network is basically just my parents, plus the back to work charity that the job centre referred me to, and half a dozen random London friends. But any social groups of my peers have fallen by the wayside by now.

I feel like the anxiety disorder manifests itself physically and is affected by what I read (via my phone most typically) as well as what I eat and drink. It’s a daily battle not to fall into the spiral which is physiological and menta. I’ve done well in the past when I was doing yoga and weightlifting but I got injured and stopped doing them just before Covid struck. Then I was very afraid of Covid and stayed isolated for two years - living in London but not going in shops or amongst crowds.

I actually started this thread this morning when I had to get the bus into the town centre for an appointment. So even choosing to make this thread was a manifestation of anxiety.

There are some positive habits I’ve had in
the past that I need to work to pick up again.

I really deny being an Incel but I’m definitely guilty of negative spirals where I read the newspapers and political commentators on Twitter and feel negative about everything. But I don’t think that is about my views about women or relationships. I’ve certainly never read any incel groups unless they include Ed West and Peter Hitchens!

I saw this the other day which struck me as something I could do with watching a few times:

https://x.com/TheBetterPath_/status/1814489013300146542

I certainly see I need to change my way of looking at my parents and my life if I’m to move forward.

You having been subsidised by your parents into middle age would seem to be deeply unfair to your brother 🤨
But it's all about you, isn't it?

Do you have a spare room? :)

Just kidding, but honestly I wish I’d had parents like that. Instead I had an angry and dismissive father, and a mollycoddling mother who was oblivious to my actual needs.

Probably quite typical of their generation though, and obviously I need to get over it!

I know there are men’s mental health groups like CALM that I could / should look into participating in.

Thanks for your post.

He actually doesn’t seem to mind. He no doubt thinks I’m mad, and so have needed their help.

I recommend getting your news from the radio no more than once a day and investing in some proper books or a kindle. And get off Twitter, it is no place for anyone with fragile mental health.

'Just kidding, but honestly I wish I’d had parents like that'

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Op.

My jaw literally dropped open when I read that.

No. No. No. no.

This is what would have been a normal thought process..

'Just kidding, but honestly I wish I had your grit and determination.'

Do you even realise how damaging your woe is me thought process is? Is there nothing you don't blame your parents for?

IT. IS. YOU.

plural incels
: a person (usually a man) who regards himself or herself as being involuntarily celibate and typically expresses extreme resentment and hostility toward those who are sexually active

I cannot believe you are serious.

I do have 7 or 8 male friends from various stages of my life. Half of them are people I can meet up with individually if I visit London.

It’s useful, as not talking to people apart from my parents isn’t helping me. When I moved out of London I lost a lot of daily interactions.

I don’t think I’m enough of an achiever to be a narcissist!

Yup.

Your parents have saved/given you tens upon tens of thousands in rent over the years and you've only worked half your adult life.

Your parents have been hugely, massively financially generous to you. I feel very sorry for them that you can't see that and instead compare yourself to your brother and DNs.

Terrible attitude.

I don’t see how that’s got anything to do with me.

OP, I think becoming isolated during Covid has not done you any favours. Your way of thinking has become out of step with what most people would think is normal in terms of parental support in your thirties and forties, and instead of having friends or family who can gently challenge your thinking, your isolation is making you fix on these simple explanations (my parents should have done XYZ to help me) which are very dubious and not helpful at all psychologically.

Your parents also don't challenge you as they are probably very worried about you and your ways of thinking which again aren't keeping pace with the independence and financial experience that others mostly have at your life stage.

I agree moving to a more sociable place, in with other people, is a good idea. I would also spend your money you are saving in rent on weekly therapy, go for an initial session with a few different therapists, choose one you can talk to and start from there. You need someone to help you unpick some of this resentment towards your parents (which is manifesting around money, but in fact may be about emotional problems in their parenting) and help you on a more sociable and independent track, which it sounds like you were on for a while but have fallen off. Good luck with it all.

OP,
I agree with this post, I really think you should try and get a life for yourself for your own mental health. I think if you get somewhere else to live and a job you’ll feel much better about yourself and maybe you’ll meet more people to hang out with.
maybe you could get a room in a house share with other professionals ( I know you’re in your 40s so this could be tricky to find)
Also get some counselling because I think you sound quite depressed. It sounds like you are just waiting for your inheritance at the moment and your life is moving by.

I missed your post at the time and just saw it now.

Thank you for the sympathy, which goes against the general direction of this thread.

And I’m sorry to hear about what happened in your in-laws family!