Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

[MalePoster9000]

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

I’ve also lived independently for 25+ of the 28 years since I turned 18.

Though when I say independently I mean away from parents, I was still being supported by them financially to varying extents for perhaps two thirds of that time.

That's why they didn't buy you a house OP. You've already spent the house money "living independently ". Good grief, as my favourite author would say - You are a wastrel and a scoundrel, Sir!

So you have a pretty poor work history and have been supported financially by your parents for most of your adult life, but feel you still have the right to "Waaaah they should have bought me a flat in London" and criticise your mother for taking time off for childrearing and retiring early?

Look at yourself.

To be fair I’m only back here as I had to move out of my long-term home in inner London due to a £750pm rent increase. I never learned to drive as I’ve always lived in London.

I'm going to take a wild guess and suggest they are probably just as disappointed in you as you are in them.

More excuses rather than taking responsibility for your own life, your own choices. You. You are responsible for you. No one else.

So you're 46 but have only worked 10-15 years "on and off"??!

So the rest of the time living off benefits I assume?

And you dare to state you've lived independently for 25+ years despite the above and that your parents have supported you financially for at least 17 of those years. And that's a conservative estimate.

You've got some fucking brass neck, that's for sure!

I was still being supported
by them financially to varying extents for perhaps two thirds of that time

OMG!

it’d have made a lot more sense if they’d just bought somewhere in their name where I could have lived, given how small their own mortgage was.

OMG!

You can read what you’re writing here, right?!?!

Not an incel, too old for that! I’m Gen-X. I lived independently in inner London for 25 of the past 28 years (albeit with financial help from parents for 2/3rds of it). It’s not like I never left the family home. I also don’t play computer games!

You need to be very careful that you don’t destroy your relationship with your family with this attitude you have. You talk about your parents with such spite, as though you don’t think they deserve any of the nice things they have (which they’ve actually worked for).

You also seem to feel a terrible jealousy towards your brother.

For the love of god go see a therapist and get all this sorted out. If these feelings fester they will destroy you from the inside out.

And I can tell you now the reason you’re single is nothing to do with the fact that you don’t live in London. There are few things more unattractive in a person than self pity.

You absolutely can make your own luck and happiness to a certain extent. Attitude counts for so much. For someone your age you have a colossal support network (I wish someone would pay for my driving lessons!!) so try to be appreciative and use what you have.

But you have to make the choice to change your attitude and stop blaming everyone else. For starters, you have to stop pretending an anxiety disorder means that you are helpless. Plenty of us have them (and worse) and make decent lives. Try to ban yourself from mentioning it. Start with positive language and work from there.

You could be a boomer and still be an incel. It's an attitude not a hobby.

You are doing yourself no favours being annoyed about all this OP. Just making yourself miserable. I literally never think about my parents’ life or financial choices, which with hindsight or a crystal ball could obviously have been different, nor do I ever think about what I might inherit. Having lost my Dad I’d actually give a million pounds to have him back and have no inheritance at all. (And I also did a useless arts degree). I am actually so happy for my parents that they spent as much of it on holidays and having a nice life before he died. Better than the state taking most of it in care fees later on.

Have you looked into London Boroughs prices?

I’m chuckling at the image of this guy in his 40s, laying on his bed posting on Mumsnet to complain about his parents, who are sat watching telly downstairs.

It’s not like I never left the family home
You certainly never left the family teat. How shameful to still be supported by your parents as a middle aged man.

I’ve rarely been on benefits. Housing benefit for 5 years, UC for six months, and that’s it. I had cheap rent in London for years though the place was rundown and the landlord did nothing. I think my resentment grew as I both felt oppressed by him, but also on another level envious that he had kept hold of his property and profited enormously from it (as will his children and his nephews), while my parents flogged theirs off and spent it on cruises etc.

I think equal division between children of whatever assets are left on parents' death is the only "fair" way. Giving more benefit to a "black sheep" child because another child is "well off" is not fair. For example, a year ago I would have appeared better off than my sibling, as I was married to a high earner, nice house nice life etc. I'm now divorced after spouse left for OW and the divorce has ruined me financially. So if our parents had died earlier and left more to him, that would not be "fair". You never know what's round the corner. None of us do.

I think your parents' proposal to leave 33% to your brother's kids is not fair - it's his job to leave them an inheritance should he choose to. Equally, your posts come across as entitled and as though you think you should have more than DB because he's well off and you - by your own admission - haven't made the most of the opportunities you've had.

Never expect an inheritance, of any kind. Your parents could need care as they age, which would eat up much or all of their assets.

Incel stands for involuntary celibate. It stems from a hatred of women, and a hatred of other men whom they perceive to be living perfect, easy, blessed lives. It is all about blaming the world for not having the life you want, chiefly with regard to romantic relationships with women.

It is not restricted to those under 40, and has nothing whatsoever to do with either video games or comic books. I don’t know where you’ve got that from.

Does the fact that so many on here are seeing incel behaviour from your posts not make you stop and think? Examine your own behaviour and your own thoughts. If you don’t want to be labelled an incel, don’t behave like one - but only you can actually do something about that.

I wonder if his mum is on here 😂

@MalePoster9000 I’m the same age as you. I too have a liberal arts degree (which my parents didn’t “guide” me away from—I didn’t know this was a thing). My parents paid my first month’s rent for me in my first flat. In later years, they paid for half of my wedding. They have not continued to subsidise me along the way. They are free to do with their money as they wish. It is not my job to tell them how to spend their money. It is not their job to subsidise me. Depending on their elderly care needs, I may or may not receive an inheritance. I do not know how their will is set out and what % is allocated to me—it is not my business. My business is to provide for myself and to provide for my pension. You’re acting like a manchild.

About the 66% share to your brother. I actually agree with this method. As you say, you want inheritance to go down the bloodline. If you follow this principle, then you do not have descendants, so would you leave your estate to your nephews and nieces?

The sale if houses at the wrong time. People did not know just how high they would soar or they would have kept them. I know several people in London enclaves who had parents sell for say £600k and they couldn’t have been happier about it in the 1990s or 2000s and they are now worth eg.£3m !

No doubt he’d be just as angry if they’d guided him towards an engineering degree, thereby denying his chance to be a great artist.

I would love to their version of events.

I have literally never read anything so entitled. What an awful human. I do hope this is a troll as the thought of someone having such an attitude towards their own parents is pretty depressing.

OP, you clearly state areas in which your parents have helped you (primarily financial, over many years), yet you don't seem to feel any gratitute for that help - you just repeat over and over that whatever they did wasn't good enough.

They didn't hold your hand and dictate what you should study at university (but presumably they encouraged your efforts at further education?), so somehow it's their fault you chose a degree that has been the butt of jokes forever. You yourself admit that you graduated in the 'easy' days where, particularly if you lived in London, it was really easy to get and hang onto a job (regardless of whether you even had a degree, let alone what subject it was in); but you didn't. How is this your parents fault? They supported you financially, enabling you to live independently, for about 16 years, but that's not good enough, as they should have bought you a flat outright. Perhaps they were hoping the financial cushion would give you some breathing room to develop your independence and coping abilities and save some money for yourself? They also allowed you to live with them rent free for as long as you need to, but that's not good enough either, as you're stuck on the ridiculous idea that you are somehow deserving of being bought a property. Can you not see that this mentality is keeping you stuck in a rut? You can't keep metaphorically stamping your feet and saying 'you should have bought me a flat'. They didn't and it sounds like they have no intention of doing so. Move past what you perceive to be the unfairness of this and start thinking about how YOU can get you where you want to be.

I get that you haven't had a perfect childhood (very few have) and you have additional barriers to work because of your disability (you're not alone there either). BUT, as others have repeatedly highlighted, you're in your mid 40s. It's well and truly time to stop blaming your parents for your problems.

You remind me of my neighbour's son - lovely guy but my god the entitlement is shocking. He's 33 still lives at home whilst doing a PHD.
we were sat having drinks in the garden with him a few weeks ago and he was genuinely outraged about his mum wanting to buy a holiday home and "frittering away his inheritance" rather than pay off his student loans. We thought he was joking at first and despite six adults repeatedly telling him how wrong he was, & ridiculous he was being, he wasn't having any of it. In fact, he then went on to tell us his further extensive expectations about how he expected to 'looked after' with his mum's money.