I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

They may do but between 60’s and 80’s is often when health can change dramatically - cancer, hip/knee ops, mobility - they may leave for their ideal retirement location a fit and healthy mid-60 year old but alot can change in a decade. No one is saying dont do it, but do it with planning if health declines. Those plans shouldn’t be putting a heavy burden on a daughter several hours away. That is the issue here.

Can understand your resentment - by moving away when they retired and having a marvellous time travelling, they were not available to support you and your children while they were young… yet now imply an expectation that you need to support them. I feel for your mum, but they chose to move and have - until now - reaped the benefits of doing so. I think you should decide how much time you can give them (eg a week at xmas, a week in the summer, a week at Easter - it times that fit in with you/your kids and any other responsibilities you have) and then make it clear that - barring accidents/severe illness, those are when you can see them.

@QueenKong101 I am glad you have had the opportunity to vent. I didn’t expect such a response from my OP but it has made me feel better to see that I am not alone.

Wishing you all the best x

Thats really not the issue here - its no forward thought from the retired parents. By all means move, but when it all goes wrong health wise, find help locally. They obviously moved thinking they could click their fingers and daughter would drop everything for them.

My parents had three of their parents living with us as we grew up. As children we loved it but it took its toll on them, and once dad retired at 56 they moved two hours away (DGP all dead by then) to rural Dorset. BUT they thought ahead. They swore they would never be a burden to us and they planned accordingly- moved in to a bungalow in a nice close with lots of neighbours. They had long enough to have a few cruises (which they hated) but more importantly to build a proper life so when mum declined and died, dad had people who loved him around him. And he had saved so he could buy in increasing amounts of care. He was amazing. In the end the only time my DB and I had to devote to his care before his death was when he was in hospital.

im 61 and I’m staying put in my nice town until probably 70, then I shall consult with my DC as to what they want as much as what I want.

i don’t know why people find it so hard to look ahead and see how life is likely to pan out given choices that they make. But I do know OP that you have no need to feel guilty.

Having run ourselves ragged supporting my parents in an isolated area I will not be inflicting such worry on my own kids.

I will do my best to be somewhere within easy distance of an excellent NHS hospital
Ditto a GP and a local shop in walking distance
That is accessible on mainline public transport routes, train line etc
Reasonably accessible by road - not a big long journey away.

For me, that means staying in London, where I have a wide range of friends, and cheap accessible activities.

While I am still fit and active I can easily get out of London to sea and mountains and travel to my Dc wherever they might settle

But I agree OP, I think planning retirement in places with little infrastructure and far flung from family is unrealistic.

I know they are your parents but bloody hell why are old people so selfish and entitled. My gran acts like this with my dad, lays it on thick with the guilt trip and won't let up till he gives in. Remind them they moved away and you are doing your best by having them to stay but you've got a husband and a child and can't constantly drop them to fit in with their demands.

This. You can move wherever the heck you like- move to the outer Hebrides if you so wish. But you cannot then expect family to be popping round every week to help can you?

OP, you don't have to feel guilty. Except it's a sign you're a nice human being that you do.

Here's another way of looking at it. If your mother is very unhappy where she is, perhaps this is the time to not be her social support crutch because this will make her face her situation sooner and sort it out.

The blaming them for pursuing a lovely retirement and dream is unfair. This is perhaps because you do feel guilty (and they are making you feel guilty to try and get you to be available when they want).

It could be your mum is allowing your dad to dictate where she lives. But it's only if she faces the reality of the situation that she will be compelled to have her own difficult conversations with him. Perhaps you being slightly less available to her will make her realise she needs to make some decisions. Either to sort her social life out where she is better or to persuade him to move closer if you are happy with that. If she wants to be nearer, but he doesn't, she has to talk to him rather than expecting you who is is the midst of a very busy time in your life to come and see them all the time or have them to stay all the time.

It is probably better they have these discussions now when she is healthy enough to either build her life there better or build a new life somewhere else, than to potentially get stuck totally if his health means they really cannot move at all and she finds herself isolated.

You sound like you see them loads. They were justified to move and it's great they've had a great time. You are unfair to imply they were unfair to do that. That does not mean they are justified to put lots of emotional pressure on you to have constant holidays with you.

Maybe if your mother is miserable you need to talk to her and perhaps help her think about the practical sides of things so that if she does talk to your father about potentially moving that the practical sides are clear so it doesn't need to be so overwhelming for him.

Both my (divorced/remarried) parents have done this. One now a 6 hour drive away, one an 8 hour drive. Now both are in their 70s and saying they don't see us often enough and that they can't make the journey anymore etc. They have started acting injured that they don't see us enough and putting guilt trips on. They need to bloody well move.

I have a similar situation. DF moved three hours away in pursuit of his dream 20 years ago. He’s now isolated, frail, elderly, in pain but not willing to move closer to family. We all have busy lives and our own families, work ft etc. I am pained not seeing him enough in his frail years. I sympathise greatly OP.

@Lucytheloose It's not the moving that's the issue, it's the moving to an isolated rural idyll with overstretched social care and health services when your max 5-8 years from needing the most health and social care input you will ever need......At best it's naïve and arguably about denial of the reality of aging (which happens to us all). At worst, if you start to put upon your already overburdened daughter by making her drive every other weekend or have you stay for weeks, it's down right selfish. The reality of this phase of life is absolutely inevitable, incredibly predictable and you should plan for it.

Totally agree with this.

When they retired, my parents moved closer to my siblings and me. They still did the whole travel, cruise, bucket list lifestyle , but when they needed help, we were right there. It was still incredibly tough to fit in around work etc, but at least it was a 15 min drive, not a couple of hours. ( it was also to a hospital town which was in itself a bonus)

DH & I don’t have DC, but fully intend to retire to a decent sized town or city, with all the amenities we need, so we are not left unable to drive, and isolated.

You have to find a balance. Just spend Easter as you had planned with your DH and sons. They moved away. You can't be at their beck and call all the time.

I think older people moving away from family is no more selfish than young people who choose to relocate to Australia or New Zealand far away from their families. I personally could never have left my parents like that . They seem to be a different breed of people.
Also all older people are individual and as much as you might plan for the future fate intervenes. My Nan and Grandad on my dad side were very forward thinking and moved to a bungalow and then my Nan into sheltered accommodation when Grandad died . My own Mum refused to go anywhere or part with any of her hoarded possessions .Frustrating as hell. She had dementia and I was running myself ragged trying to care for her . Even though she was only 20 mins walk away and we live in a city . She is in a home now but it might not have come to that if she had been a bit more reasonable for want of a better word.
I would love to move to the sea but would want bare necessities within walking distance. I don’t want DS to have burden of looking after us anyway . I am more concerned how he would cope rather than the other way round . Will wait until he is settled I think.

Apologies, I didn't mean to derail your post with my rant! 🙈

To your OP - you shouldn't feel guilty at all (easier said than done, I know) and prioritising your own family is absolutely the right thing to do. Your DP made their choice and as others have rightly stated, there are consequences to that. It's frustrating, but perhaps this could be a catalyst for them to take action to improve their situation.

Solidarity to you and everyone in a similar situation!

It’s not too late. Face time them as soon as you can (if they’re tech savvy) and have an open and non-judgmental chat. You never know, your mum might be empowered if you’re there to back her up, and vice versa

So sorry for your situation and I hate to say this but things will get a lot worse once one of them is on their own. Time to have that chat about them selling up and moving back closer to you. It will make life easier for everyone all round. Not sure about finances but they could perhaps buy a smaller property close to you and perhaps a static caravan in Dorset so they can still visit the area as and when they wish to do so.

My sympathies OP! I fear we're in the early days of this scenario. In-Laws live about 2hrs away from us (in the suburbs) and already make noises they don't see us often enough. We probably stay for a long weekend every six weeks or so.

They've been making noises for a while about moving, and we've been sending them the odd listing we've seen that might suit them. They've just announced that they're moving 5hrs away to the middle of nowhere.

Thier plan seem to be that this is a stop-gap to live a long held dream and they'll move again before (if and when) their health fails. Life doesn't work like that and DH is beyond frustrated with them!

Op has no rights to decide where they live, but they have every right make op chase after them wherever they move off to?

How does that work? The second they moved away, their care ceased to be OP's problem.

It is hard OP.

My Mum luckily moved closer to us during COVID, but was in Dorset before. The bus services and community services are very much reduced compared to 20 years ago when she first moved there. I can understand your Dad not wanting to move from his local NHS service if he is getting good treatment. Would they consider a move within Dorset to an area which is less isolated, maybe nearer the hospital? This might help your Mum if your Dad becomes less able/more poorly.

My Dad is nearby, but has admitted now he can't do the garden or keep on top of housework. He now has a gardener and cleaner. We cook for him mostly and take him to appointments now he isn't able to drive. If his needs go up I will have to help him find a carer. These are things your parents could have if needed.

I am also POA for my elderly aunt who is 3 hours away has no kids and lives in an ageing pile of a house, isolated in location and is abjectly refusing care or a move despite not managing at all. She does not recognise the impact this has on others at all. Very difficult and I have had to involve social care as I cannot with 3 kids and a full time job be up and down to sort things out.

I agree.

The point I made was that moving to the country doesn't have to mean isolation from services.

Many rural villages have easy-ish access to larger towns with medical facilities.

It also works the other way.

I moved away from my parents when I was 21. I did so for work. I met DH and his work was where we live now. He didn't want to move closer to my family (his was an equal distance away- 5 hours.) We also didn't want to uproot our children from their schools.

I've now been in the situation where for 15 years, I've had to travel to my parents (5 hours away) as they are not well enough to make the trip to me - and even if they took the train, they like their own home and their own beds.

However, unlike the OP, my parents have a very good network of friends , neighbours, and a sibling not as far away as I am.

I don't see them as much as I want, as I have adult children and grandchildren.

I often think they should have moved closer to me when they could, 25 years ago, but they didn't want to.

This is absolutely a thing! I live in an outer London suburb with an outstanding bus network, older people can use their freedom passes to get around. There is plenty going on either in nearby market towns or it's not far to get into central London by train. We have a bustling town centre with arts and culture and walkable high streets to get to doctors, post offices, pubs, leisure centres etc and other accessible facilities. You see older people on the buses, walking in the parks, going to the little local theatre etc etc. There is a thriving WI, U3A, Arts Society and Age Concern to provide affordable activities for pensioners.

My friends whose parents live in Cornwall say once they stop driving, they are completely housebound, isolated and cut off from the world.

@SkaterGrrrrl completely agree!