I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

Don’t feel guilty. They made the decision to move away. Tell them you’d loved to have come but you’ve already got plans. They can’t expect you to drop everything. They might try and make you feel guilty but stay firm. And if you need to remind them they decided to move away not you.

Don't be pressured to go over at Easter if you don't want to. If your parents are welcome to visit you then tell them that. You could also mention that your mum is welcome to come alone if that would work better for them - i.e. if your dad doesn't want to travel/come. If they say that your dad won't manage alone then you could point out that if anything happens to your mum then that is exactly what he would have to do.

Regarding asking them to move back closer to home I think (like you have here in your original post) acknowledge that this doesn't mean that them moving to Dorset was a mistake - they have had lovely times but time has moved on and their health is now a factor to consider in a way that it wasn't a decade ago.

If they do move some removal services offer a full packing service and they will have to use this. As well as a cleaning service also. Perhaps you can help them to unpack and settle in at this end. If your father's health is so poor he really needs to just be able to get into a car, stay with you or a cheap hotel for a night or two and arrive at his new property furnished. So they will have to pay for what it takes to make this happen. It sounds like a small property would be sufficient for them if they move so that might free up money in the move.

If you ask your dad what would he do if your mum dies he might say move close to you. You could then point out that this would be even more difficult than moving now while he has your mum's support and that your mum would like to move back so it is a bit rich to refuse and then move back if she dies.

If your parents choose to stay living hours away then remember you must never go up to go shopping/give a lift/garden/clean - the economies of that in purely financial terms are completely mad before you get to the value of their time. They will need to pay for these services. It must cost you £60 plus in fuel to visit plus 6 hours of driving round trip.

OP:
I don’t think the conversation needs to be ‘unpleasant’ as such, but straightforward, honest and direct.

Lay out your own lives and obligations, work, kids activities and social and school lives, and that you are worried that because of distance you quite simply cannot dedicate your weekends and holiday time to drive to them or stay with them.

If relevant remind them what it would have meant in their lives had they had had to drive to 3 hours to their own parents.

Tell them that it is a worry to you that they will be far away if they get frail ill. Ask your Dad for a detailed breakdown of his plans for when they potentially can’t drive.

Once you have been direct and honest, you can off load some of your guilt because you have faced them with the realistic situation and what they do after that is their choice for which they need to take responsibility.

Resist claims on your time with “as I said, if you were closer this would have been possible “

It’s easy for people to say they will never have expectations if their children etc but int we feel more helpless as we age it seems hard to anticipate the way our fear and frailty will look like being entitled and selfish.

I honestly don’t believe they mean to be like that, not most anyway.

Put your foot down.

Tell him that he can move to these places if he wants to but you won't. You will either stay put or move to the more sensible option you like locally and he is welcome to tag along with you if he wishes. Stick to that and it is likely he will drop it.

I remember my MIL saying this whenever my FIL came out with any such unrealistic and airy-fairy stuff. It always worked and she got her way.

I’m going to suggest a different perspective. The challenge here is finding a way to manage your feelings so that they are less overwhelming and don’t prevent you putting boundaries in place to protect your wellbeing and that of your husband and children. You describe yourself as sick with worry and wracked with guilt and these feelings are the only things in this whole situation that you can really take any control over. You can’t control the poor decisions your parents made, you can’t control your dad’s stubbornness regarding moving, and you’re not responsible for the fact that your mum didn’t stand firm. As daughters, our natural response is often to respond to our mothers’ needs to the detriment of our own but the reality often is that whatever we do will never be enough. If you saw her every month, she’d want to see you every fortnight etc. so we have to work out what our boundary is and then work towards being okay with that. When the feelings of guilt creep in we need to recognise them, acknowledge them, and then remind ourselves we have nothing to feel guilty about. It isn’t easy but it does get easier over time, especially when we factor in wanting to protect ourselves and our own family from being swamped by our guilt. Some people are able to work through this themselves, I needed therapy to both support me to get to that point and then to help me maintain it. Might looking at the situation with this lens be helpful for you too?

Ah I’m sorry to hear that. No wonder you miss your friend. You would have expected her to live many more years than that.💕

This!

I didn't mean to sound like I though OP should be chasing after her parents. I don't think that at all. However, just because they chose to move doesn't mean their care is not OPs 'problem' as you put it.
Of course the care of her parents will be OPs issue as much as the care of my parents (5 hours away) is mine.
The only difference being I was the one who moved away.

As I said in my first reply I think this is an "elderly parents living a long way from children' issue and not a 'my parents moved to the countryside' issue. Irrespective of who moved where and why.

@Springtime43 He’s not best pleased, as you can imagine!

That’s why I have decided to not invite them up for Easter, bearing in mind they were here for Mother’s Day 2 weeks ago and stayed for just over a week.

It is not fair on DH who hasn’t had any time off since Xmas (DP were here then too😬) and spends 3 hours commuting to and from work every day.

I know it's tricky but would it be worth laying your cards on the table that you won't be visiting every 6 weeks if they are 5 hours away. So that they can decide what to do with full knowledge of the impact. So if you expect to visit only for a week in the summer - then tell them that.

I’m a bit further down the line than you, my parents are a lot older and anytime I see them, I have to go to them. They are not able to come to me any more.
That’s just the way it goes.

I don’t envy you.

I kind of disagree (courteously!) if my df had stayed in London and we’d all moved away, my coming back to look after him frequently would also involve having a local network of friends and places I grew up with, knowledge and enjoyment of the neighbourhood and a really rounded experience to help boost the sometimes hard grind of caring for someone (however much you love them). Going up to him in the isolated, middle of nowhere, crumbling old house he insists on staying in means that my visits to him are purely about caring for him, which is fine, but it would be nice to have a local network to support in that and to see people. Also inevitably, there are always issues and we need plumbers, locksmiths, boiler, people and so on. There’s no network for me to access for that either.

the other issue is, I think it’s about the decision taken when older parents were at retirement age. Why an earth did they move so far away? They must’ve known they would be needing care at some point. Needing support from their families. Whereas if you’re a younger person moving away from your parents, you’d factor in that you’ll have to do quite a bit of travelling back as your parents get older.

Please have a serious chat about them moving closer to you. My parents moved to rural Devon in their early 70s and were fit and well for over ten years. I lived 2.5 hours drive away. Like yours, my father did not see the need to move. His health went downhill in his early 80s. Mum was very fit and healthy then shockingly out of the blue died from a brain haemorrhage during lockdown. My father then went into a decline living on his own for what was the last year of his life while I spent every other weekend driving down to look after him. He refused outside help. It was the most sad and horrendous time for us all. Obviously I do hope nothing like this happens to your parents but we never expected their lives to end this way. Best of luck to you.

We are of the older persuasion and Escape to the Country is on just when we sit down for an afternoon cuppa. I can't tell you how much shouting at the TV we do. So many people seem to have no clue how they will manage those charming, character cottages with steep windy stairs or how many hours it will take to mow half an acre of lawn. Their practical brain seems to go right out of the window.

My Mum moved to Spain and after a few holidays to visit her, I got cheesed off with not going to other destinations and a holiday visiting a family member is not a holiday...

I mean, I would visit when I could but not go out of obligation. Maybe it is time for them to consider moving nearer to you now?

@BlueFoxglove24 thank you for your advice. Sounds like a very similar situation. Seeing them in May and I will have a serious chat with them. At least I’ve tried.

So sorry to hear what happened to you with your DP. Xx

Your mum is being very unfair here OP.
Rather than tackle the obvious problem of the two of them fundamentally disagreeing about where they should live during old age, she’s expecting you to pick up the slack and laying on the guilt trips
The more you accommodate this nonsense, the more they will expect. Plus they will be no nearer solving the REAL problem, which is their disagreement on living situation for their final years.
Time for a frank discussion and some tough love, I’m afraid

Sending sympathies OP.

MIL moved abroad with her new partner just before our first DC came along. She's a 6 hour flight away and it's expensive where they are. They bought a small apartment, and didn't do due diligence, so now lots of issues with the property, including that they are on the top floor.

She bemoans her lack of seeing grandchildren and family. And her lack of disposable income. She comes over every year for weeks on end as she can't stand the heat in the summer. Always stays with family. I've had to put my foot down about her staying anymore than a week with us, in an ideal world it would be 48 hours maximum.

She has multiple health issues as she approaches 80 but absolutely no plan for what to do if her partner dies before her or if she becomes incapacitated abroad.

As I've said to her face on numerous occasions when she's moaning, you are absolutely free to make any decision you like but you have to live with the consequences.

Good luck OP.

Well he can't move without your agreement so you'll have to stay put

I really don't get the lack of practical thought that goes into escaping to the country when people retire.

DH isn't far off that age, I'm younger and we still have a child at school but we've already bought a practical house with downstairs shower room and space for a bed downstairs should the need arise. And close to shops, GP and bus routes. I've seen too many friends develop cancer or break a leg or have some other calamity in their 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s to want to live somewhere impractical where driving is essential. Surely it's obvious that by your 60s it's something to think very carefully about?!

My DM did the rural dream move at around 60. It was a disaster. It was only 45 mins drive from her friends but barely anyone would make the effort to go and see her, she went to see them. No shop or other amenities in her village (not even much of a pavement!) so her health got much worse as she never walked to get milk etc. She bought a house big enough to accommodate her children and daughter/son-in-laws and GC she had then, and it didn't seem to occur to her that might change - the number of relatives doubled within a couple of years! We all did one Christmas there, as I think she'd imagined, and it was so awful no one would do it again. Nowhere to go in the village, snowed in at one point, had to drive elsewhere even to find a play area for the GCs. It wasn't somewhere I'd have chosen to visit! She stayed about 15 years - the final straw was a hip replacement when she couldn't drive for six weeks which really brought home how isolated she was and dependent on neighbours.

My dad had a master plan that he wanted him and mom to move back to their hometown once they retire. They moved to our current city when they were 18yo. Their parents have passed and their siblings also moved at 18 to study and live in different cities. Mom asked what's dad going to do in a city they haven't lived in 40+ years. Apparently see his friends from school. Well They've been retired for almost 10 years and no talk of relocating back 'home'.

Same here - we shout at the screen too, and although we enjoy being nosey and looking at the properties, the layout and obviously remote location of some of them make us laugh out loud considering how the prospective buyers are hardly in the first flush of youth, and you hear the 'it's only xyz miles from (nearest town)' mantra chanted by the presenter. I have, however, come to the conclusion that most of the contestants are on the programme for their 15 minutes of fame, not because they have any serious intentions of relocating.

How often do your parents expect to see you @Mini712 ?

My plan is to try to see my very elderly parents every 8 weeks (bearing in mind it takes me 5 hours to drive there, I'm probably 20 years older than you- and I find the drive pretty tiring - very busy road.)

Sometimes though, it's more like every 3 months because of my other commitments.

As I said, my parents have lived in the same town all their lives so have a big network and good neighbours.

When my children were young, we'd try to see my parents each school holidays for a few days, usually staying nearby in self-catering, as they didn't have room for all of us. So- roughly once every 6-7 weeks.

Your Mum sounds quite demanding.

Quite so.

@ALunchbox

what ever? You wouldn’t ever expect your offspring to come visit you?