I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

OP I am in the same position. Both of my parents have done this, they aren't together so in separate parts of the country. One is 2.5 hours away so not too bad the other is at least a a 4 hour journey. Neither of them seem to really go out and about anymore so there’s no point them being there really. I spend all my holidays packing kids into the car and travelling the country - it’s a exhausting and now their health is starting to deteriorate - it’s a fucking nightmare tbh. I can’t just pop in to see them after work or at the weekend. I feel like I’ve lost my parents before they’ve actually died.

This. I personally need Easter to re-charge a bit, rather than dragging myself and children round the country. A precedent needs to be set and boundaries put into place. They chose this life for themselves and shouldn’t be dragging you into it. No one made / makes them live in Dorset

Seeing what’s happened to my parents, stick to your guns and don’t get bullied into moving away if you have any doubts.

DM was definitely less enthusiastic to move away and now that they can’t get about as much she is starting to resent DF and it is putting a strain on their relationship.

If you do decide to move, perhaps set a time frame and say you’ll do it for 10 years and then make a plan to move back.

DH's parents retired to the seaside, a small town which is very popular in summer, but which has not many facilities for local residents.

At the time, they were both fit and well but then FIL died, and MIL couldn't drive so was rather stuck and reliant upon others to give her lifts. The bus service is poor out of season.

We suggested she move near us. She agreed and did, eventually. That was when it all went wrong. She hated where we lived, turned against us, refused to spend any time with the DC, started blaming me for everything, and then decided to move back to where she came from. She refused to listen to reason.

She's now nearly 90, living alone, her friends have nearly all died, and we're an hour and a half's drive away rather than 5 minutes if there's an emergency, which there has been more than once.

Sometimes you just can't do anything to help.

I think it would be better to go for one of the May bank holidays or another weekend, given you have plans for what is just a week away.

It's not just Escape to the Country that should be blamed for property choices that have consequences. Never seeing Kirsty Allsop and Phil Spencer on our tv screens again would be welcomed by me.

The other consequence is the very doctors and other facilities the OPs dad wants to keep may end up in short supply because of rural house prices going up.

I have a few friends whose parents did this 15 ish years ago when our parents were all retiring. My parents moved to the city be be closer to us!

a few friends now have parents living in the countryside, hours away, dependent on cars they can’t drive at night, no doctors surgeries or pubs within walking distance, large gardens they can no longer care for an no neighbours within walking distance.

would your parents consider moving again? If they are unhappy thei would be best for everyone

Must say that any ideas of ‘escaping to the country’ died after we spent many weekends with friends who lived down a steep, very narrow lane in rural N Devon. All very nice for a few days, but…
You had to get in the car and drive 15 mins for a pint of milk - they even had to drive to anywhere they could safely let their dogs off the lead

I grew up in rural Devon. It's charms were exhausted by aged 14 when we had to relocate to London. My capacity to enjoy the country is limited to two weeks, so when the time comes to move there's no way I'm going anywhere like that. Cities all the way.

Yes, @LlynTegid DH & I have already planned to visit them at the beginning of May so we would be seeing them again in a month’s time.

I agree, there definitely needs to be an Escape from the Country let people be aware of the pitfalls moving to a rural setting

My friends have retired early, they are both about 57. Where they have moved to looks amazing plus he has a small yacht but it’s 4 hours from their children who are both mid twenties. I can see the same scenario playing out. We intend to relocate when DH retires in about 3 years by then DS should be buying his own home so we intend an hour max but preferably 30 minutes.

@lazyarse123 I would actually show him this thread. Even if you have good friends how long to build a friendship where you don’t know mind asking for favours. Plus though frkedmship cna span across ages usually our long-standing close friends are a similar age.

It will be interesting to see how the traditional ‘retiring to the country’ will change as retirement age rises.

i am Hoping to be able to retire at 65 - won’t be able to afford anything sooner. Most people in my generation will be that age or older.

i can’t imagine people late sixties wanting to start a new life isolated in the country - hours from services and limited bus routes.

unfortu we will have fewer ‘healthy’ years in retirement!

This resonates with me. MIL in particular, has been fortunate to only know life in a ‘one income sustains a whole family’ scenario with the expectation of a substantial final salary pension. Cruises, highest spec new cars, frequent large scale renovations to an already perfect house…
What they fail to appreciate is that our generation don’t have that, so are time poor, with two full time working parents, and can’t easily drive three hours to help them out unless it’s planned.
DH Is Goldenballs so when they had a medical emergency it was me they phoned-at work-because ‘we didn’t want to bother him at work’.
Also the house modifications render it totally unsuitable for any future elderly care like mobility aids.
With my parents and their partners, this situation repeats itself albeit almost locally. They are all in a constant state of bewilderment that the NHS isn’t as efficient as it was in the 1960s.
I love them all dearly and am glad that they’re having a comfortable early retirement. I worry how we can support them longer term.
Solidarity to everyone here.

Thing is, what you want to avoid is a crisis. My Dad was living in a massive 4 bed house (renting), I was regularly having to sub him with the electric/gas bills and he couldn't manage the huge garden and his eyesight was poor (diabetic) but he wouldn't have a bar of moving. Then thankfully his LL decided to sell, and we got Dad into a flat in a local small town where his GP was based. It was a flat for over 60s and he initially hated it but soon settled and it was a massive relief to not have to keep driving him to medical appointments/food shopping and even though he'd stopped driving by this stage, he became much more independent.
When he was diagnosed terminally ill a few years later, it was a godsend that he was closer and I can't imagine how we'd have coped had he not moved.

I would have a serious conversation with them both over Easter or your next visit and lay out your concerns. They may not listen initially, but keep planting that same seed over and over.

Lost both my parents recently. Make the most of them. They brought you into this world.

Actually the dynamics between your parents is the problem. Stop with your own guilt though!

I'm older too and I think you also have to live with the consequences of your actions. They are of course entitled to live where they want but that doesn't mean the OP has to be constantly driving down to see them to sort out their problems or having them regularly living with her.

I think older people can get very set in their ways and that's just not fair. You can't say 'I want to live in my own (completely unsuitable) house and not have any carers/cleaners/housekeepers' and then expect your very busy children to pick up the pieces.

They can choose to move or pay for and accept help.

My DGPs moved to the country idyll. Small village on the Welsh borders. Massive garden. They grew all their own fruit and vegetables, made jams and pickles etc. This was long before Escape to The Country.

They had a couple of good decades but when it started to go wrong it was very quick. DGF broke his ankle very badly in a fall in the garden then shortly after developed bowel cancer and died. DGM couldn't cope with the garden on her own and had never driven so was very isolated.

We exercise our inherited green fingers on a large allotment. We are putting a lot of work now into making maintenance as easy as possible. Also we will be able to downsize by degrees.

Your parents didn't think this through carefully did they?

Moving away from your family is not a great idea once you retire, for the reasons you're finding out.

Should 60 years olds not live somewhere they’ve dreamed of in retirement in case they’re frail 20 years down the line?

They can make their choices but accept there are consequences. Looking ahead 20 years is very important.

I moved 5 hours away from my parents after I left uni and now have to drive to see them (they're in their 90s) which I'm finder harder and harder. when they were younger they never wanted to move closer to me and my family.

The reality is that we will all be frail, get ill (and die) in our 80s or 90s.
How we manage that is a choice- either pay for care, move into warden supported housing, move closer to family.

Moving away from your family needs to be part of the decision making.
Ignoring the future is just silly.

This. And don’t feel guilty. You didn’t force them to move away and they have no right to expect you to either go to them, or have them stay with you.

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

You need to talk to your brother and he needs to step up.
why are men allowed to behave like this?

This is an interesting post and indicative of the issues that can present themselves on both sides of the equation.

While I think elderly parents who need help from their offspring, should be prepared to move to make it as easy for the dc to offer that help, I also sympathise with older folk who find it difficult giving up their independence and are reliant on dc who sometimes boss them about (not saying this is what you do at all BarbaraBuncle but I have seen it in some families where the elderly person is shoved in a granny flat and afforded very little dignity or choice).

I think it also shows how difficult old age is generally and "not for wimps" as the saying goes.

Not all of the 'country' is isolated.

65 is not old! Most people have another 20 years.

@PeaceandCakes I know, it always seems to land on the daughter. Although to be fair, brother is often working overseas and has a younger family than me so has a lot going on but it shouldn’t stop him from giving them a call from time to time!

I agree with this. Why on earth do you feel guilty when it was their choice to move? you had no say in their choice as they are capable adults and able to make their own decisions. This is unfortunately a natural consequence of their decision and they will have to deal with it now. They didnt seem particularly bothered about visiting you when they were off on their cruises etc so it seems like it's only now they need help they are pressuring you which is really wrong and more than a bit selfish in my view.

I see this happen a lot in my job- retired couples moving to lovely but completely impractical places and then ending up completely isolated and struggling. This is why future planning is so important to consider.

I feel I've found some kindred spirits on this thread.

My own DP retired to the rural outskirts of a hamlet overseas around 15 years ago. It's the sort of place where you absolutely must drive to live there, closest corner shop is two miles away down a twisty country lane and no public transport. We also lived overseas in a third country for a few years but now back in the UK with a travel time of 12+ hours to get to them. I'm an only child, so no sibling support.

Their home is a beautifully renovated "Grand Designs"-style property. It's beautiful but would be utterly impossible to live in with any mobility issues.

They are now mid-70s and, touch wood, in good health for now, with some friends around them in (equally remote) properties. Any conversation I attempt to have with them around future plans is shut down with a dismissive "We're not that old! Stop being morbid!" etc.

I have no power of attorney and I do not speak the language of the country they live in (they do, although it's clear they don't have any idea about how the care system works there). They have categorically stated they will never move back to the UK as they hate it here. They also refuse to hire any help, eg cleaners or gardeners.

I feel nothing but fear and anxiety for the future tbh and have come to massively resent my parents for their refusal to make any plans. Their denial of the realities of aging will inevitably place all the burden of care onto me - I have two DC, one of whom is ND, and I live so far away that it will be impossible for me to offer much practical help. I honestly despair.

Apologies for the essay but it felt cathartic to let that all out!