I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

For those upset reading this thread. For us the alienation didn't happen overnight, not was it linked to any one comment.
Escape to the country was undoubtedly a factor but first they weren't particularly kind in my 20s. Whilst they were setting off on the first of many cruises, I met DH and they thought our budget backpacking was rubbish.
In our 30s we had small children but they threw themselves into travel & new friends and felt embarrassed about our shabby house.
In our 40s they got angry at me because my brother didn't give a shit about them. An unfortunately timed letter explaining this meant we barely bothered with them when COVID happened.
So my relationship with my parents has been tough for decades. Travelling a couple of hours for a frosty lunch is not appealing. I get the feeling there's whole groups of retired people who move from their roots to build communities with other retired people. It works really well, until it doesn't!

There's no way of making him do so.

We are mid to late sixties and we would like to downsize but DH is looking at properties nearly two hours away. He doesn't understand that I want yo be nearer our kids and my DD keeps asking me what would happen if we need help. I wish she would ask him that. I do nearly all the driving and worry what will happen when I can't. He hasn't even considered what will happen when one of us is left alone. It's a selfish attitude.

No you don't cave. (been there) you have a loving and honest conversation about what you can do and very kindly stick to it. If your parents both have capacity then they have to deal with the world as it is.

Then tell your daughter to have that conversation with her father!! and put your foot down with your husband!

You have your own life and it was their decision to move. We say this alot with people moving (especially retirees) to the rural area im in. Move here from a totally different area if you wish, but don’t expect to have the support network around you when your health deteriorates. Alot of the areas people retire to (like Dorset/Devon/Cornwall) dont have the kind of services to help a huge influx of people. They already have alot of older people and are pushed to the limit as it is. Transport in these areas are more limited too.

You need an honest conversation with them, explain its pushing you to the limit having to support them so its time to look at extra help/cleaners etc.

I have this issue with my Mum. I used to live a short car ride away from her, but then she moved. Then a couple of years later she had a huge rant at me about how she hardly ever sees me. She does see me, just not as often as when she was easy to get to! And it was her decision to move.

Her rant didn't change anything. I refuse to feel guilty for living my life.

Perhaps speak to them about moving closer to you?

Some people seem to choose to relocate to places which they loved as holiday destinations. This is then supposed to be an inducement to adult DCs to visit frequently.

Except it doesn't work. The, now adult, DCs are time poor. If they are going on holiday they want different things. They don't want to recreate their childhood holidays.

Visiting family is just that, a family visit. Some aspects may be fun for DCs but some of it is a bit of a chore. DFamily may want help with something. DP's home isn't set up as a holiday home. DCs have to be careful of furniture, family 'heirlooms' etc. Not relaxing.

Some people like going on holiday to the same place each time but a lot don't especially if with each visit it becomes more about chores and less about relaxing.

Aren't these elderly women's names also on their house deeds etc ? If so why are they always defaulting to the husband? We live in an urban environment near our children and if my husband announced he wanted to live in the sticks it would get a short sharp 'no way' response. If he still persisted then he would be moving by himself!

This happened to a family friend (my mum’s really) years ago, moved to the country when retirement age and bought a nice cottage with friends in barn conversion next to it. Friends long moved on and her DD moved in with her for a while but moved out last year. Her son lives in London where she moved from, her other son lives in Edinburgh and her DD and her aren’t really on speaking terms. So it’s left to the sons to see to her. She’s more and more less mobile and has friends but she’s in the middle of the countryside and quite isolated. I live near DM partly because it’s handy to see her, DB is moving back near us but he’s only other side of London. My own nana moved near to my mum but she always lived in SW London anyway so not far.

Must say that any ideas of ‘escaping to the country’ died after we spent many weekends with friends who lived down a steep, very narrow lane in rural N Devon. All very nice for a few days, but…
You had to get in the car and drive 15 mins for a pint of milk - they even had to drive to anywhere they could safely let their dogs off the lead.

And one of them eventually became unable to drive - and it was an hour’s drive to his many hospital appts.
After he died, his widow moved to a city flat with a good balcony, and loves where she is now.

I can see your dad's point if he has better healthcare there.

I'm guessing that they couldn't get the train to you for just a couple of days?

To me 3hrs doesn't seem that bad to do in a day (perhaps more for you than your parents) but it depends on the roads & how easily that might increase!

If they moved back how responsible would they expect you to be for them?

Would a compromise be better?

Closer so that visits are easier both ways but not close enough for you to be taking over hospital appointments/shopping etc?

Unless that's what you would prefer of course.

My grandad didn’t own his flat (silly man could’ve bought the house it was in years ago but preferred to spend the money in the pub) but when he got the chance to move to a garden flat he refused point blank despite this being what his wife (my step grandma) would’ve liked. So they were in a top floor flat for years. He always had the final say re where they lived.

My own DM when younger we’d ask if she wanted to move to countryside and stepdad would do it like a shot but she said no, likes her big house (even though it’s a pain to maintain etc) and neighbours and location. She gets countryside with their holiday home in France, that is bloody isolated, in a hamlet. Even the bread van doesn’t come there anymore.

It’s all very well couples saying they will live near their adult DC and not follow their retirement dreams, but what if their adult DC move? In many families it is unlikely that all DC will stay in the same area, and much as I would miss DS, if he never lived anywhere but our hometown I would think I had failed as a parent.

Exactly this! Most people in their 30’s and 40’s now with older retired parents will be working until well into their late 60’s. Supporting parents 3 hours away (or even closer than that), isn’t going to be an option.

If its someone’s dream to retire to a rural/seaside place, then they need to except it is most likely they will need to use paid help in their later years and factor that into the move.

I know as much as I love my parents and would still visit ofcourse, most working people now want some sun every year (after being stuck in an office all week). Its unfair to expect working children to give up all their annual leave to come down and care for elderly parents. I will be making sure my children never feel guilty about that in the future.

I see people do this all the time, i used to live and work in the community in an idyllic seaside place in the UK. Sooooooo many elderly people stranded there hundreds of miles away from their families, either in poor health or one of them has died, often cannot drive any more. Completely isolated and the family ends up driving many miles to deal with their problems and trying to juggle their own lives.
Meanwhile the big retirement house they bought rotting away over the years.
One woman moved her whole life into one room and boarded the rest of the house up to moulder away.
Reliant on taxis because they are living somewhere not near any shops where you need to drive.
I'm not moving anywhere when I retire in 5 years, I live near my DS and near all the shops within walking or mobility scooter distance.

I think it’s time you gave up and let DH have the conversation, man to man, saying “No, my wife is not going to be doing all that. You need to move”.

I am minded of my own husband saying that if his father (my FIL) were still alive, the amount of time his wife (my MIL) put into her parents would have been vastly different.

I dont think mine will live where we live when they are older, but the difference is they expect the OP to help out and visit them every few weeks. They moved away (totally fine), but now need to except daughter will visit when possible through the year, but time to get some help in. They can’t rely on a daughter 3 hours away.

DFil is 80 now and wants to move close to us (he has no connections here).

That's fine but we plan to move (at some point in our impending retirement) close to our adult DD. We want to be hands on grandparents. Will DFil want another move in a few years time?

@PleaseenterausernameX that’s the other issue. When DF died we helped DM move near to us. We are now tied to this area (which luckily doesn’t bother us). But does mean we are far away from in-laws. Our respective parents lived miles away from each other, and then we moved further away!

Your parents had their own boundaries when they moved away and travelled the world, they didn't think of you then, they are not your responsibility but your husband and children are so stay in your own home with them at Easter

It's only on Mumsnet that moving more than five miles down the road is considered a crime against the natural order. In real life, people move across the country or to different countries all the time.

Happened to very good friends of mine. They took early retirement and moved to an amazing property on the Devon coast where they had a lovely time until he suffered a stroke and died. This left her totally isolated as she couldn't drive and her idyllic country cottage by the sea became a prison.

She eventually realised that she'd have to move back to be near her family but she never got over her loss. I used to drop-in and see her regularly but she had lost all the spark and energy she once had . We did everything we could for her but one bitterly cold, wind swept, Sunday morning I got the call I was dreading.

I often put flowers on her grave and sit on the bench nearby and have a chat. She was lovely and so was he, a real teddy bear of a man, but they were everything to each other and she died of a broken heart. She was only 63.

She was my friend and I miss her dreadfully.

Both DH and I will be working full time until state retirement age.... If we are super lucky we might be able to cut a day or so out post 60. I have teenage kids (exams between both for the next 6 years) and a full on job. Parents being over 2 hours away are part of the reason I couldn't do lifts and shopping etc but the other reason is I work full time.
Ironically I'm from Devon originally, and DH and I mulled over moving there after we stop working. But the reality is the number of healthy years that would be for is likely circa 5-7.... After that we'll either be dead or have multiple needs.
So I'm well aware that our old age will have to be in a well connected town or city with public transport and everything accessible by mobility scooter. I've got my eye on flats with views in the city.... And a camper van/air BnB for the few years we've (hopefully) got good health and can hang out in Dorset and Devon 😆