I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

Lots and lots of people still stay in the area they grew up, live near relatives, with their children (all cousins) going to the same schools they themselves went to, and so on and so on.
Maybe not anyone you know, but I can assure you lots of people do actually still live in communities like these.
Often on MN people who do this are looked down upon for their lack of ambition or imagination. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if they aren't actually the clever ones.

I've known many retired couples who sold up to move to be near their children as they grow older. Only for them to move far away or even abroad.

We downsized when we retired and moved to a lovely city in the West Country. However when my daughter decided to adopt two children as a single parent we decided to move back to lend a hand. We’re in our 70’s but live very close to her now so we can do school runs and babysit.
We don’t need help at the moment and live in a smaller, much more manageable property so hope not to need too much help from her as we get older. Because we’ve downsized we could afford to pay for home care anyway.
Being close to family is important for all generations.

All sounds very incestuous to me, but I guess this is the experience of many. I can see the appeal but I haven’t had that sort of life and neither have my parents or theirs. I come from a long line of nomads!

I hope your children appreciate how lucky they are having parents like you. This thread illustrates some ageing parents are ageing horrors 😂

It's a shame you didn't have this discussion before they moved. My fil wanted to move and we explained quite clearly that with me working Saturdays and having our own young family we wouldn't be up to visit regularly and that if they needed care we wouldn't be able to provide it on a day to day. They changed their mind (perhaps they considered what we said) because mil didn't want to be far from her grandchildren. As it was fil's health deteriorated and being close to a hospital and both his sons was helpful.

You need to have a sit down conversation with them and be as blunt as possible. When your father tries to shut down the conversation be clear and get your point across. You arent just father and child but two adults (on a level playing field) conversing. Make it clear that you won't martyr yourself or put your own relationship at risk by travelling back and forth all the time. You have a busy life and if they need help then they have to move closer to you.

@MichaelAndEagle I have cousins who have lived in the same area all their lives. We moved last year to be nearer the children as three of them are very settled about an hour from where we are now. The small town we have moved to is full of families who all know everyone and have never moved away.

We moved when my husband retired as we didn’t want to put the children in the position the OP is in, we were in the same place they had grown up but none of them lived near us.

My parents lived three hours away from me in different places as they were divorced, their final illnesses and funeral arrangements were made very difficult by that. I had teenagers and a demanding job, fortunately term time only and it was very hard.

An hour away seems about right and gives us all independence without being so far and we see the children very regularly. Our house is big enough for family gatherings and we have two more children who are not permanently settled yet so have space to accommodate them if needed. The house is readily adaptable to live downstairs if necessary and that was one thing we looked for.

We are half an hour from the sea and only an hour from three National Parks, so it is all accessible, but we have excellent roads, rail links etc and everything within scooter distance if we couldn’t drive. We will also buy in help as needed and not expect the DC to be run ragged doing errands for us.

I think compromise is the key, we shout at Escape To The Country too, roll top baths, split level rooms, staircases that won’t take a stairlift, moving miles away from shops etc. It is foolish not to think about the future at the point you retire and selfish to expect your adult DC to pick up the pieces if you fail to plan. At the very least you need to be flexible and prepared to move again if necessary.

It is extremely unlikely that our DC will chose to make an adult life in the area they grew up. Property is too expensive and there isn't enough variety of jobs, only hospitality and public sector. Fortunately there are still people who want to live here.

Mini712 you have nothing to feel guilty about. The truth is that your parents decided to move to a rural area 12 years ago.
So now your kids are older and your parents need more help/care and the reality is you have not the time or holidays from work to go and spend days with them at a time.
They are now inviting themselves to you and your mother says she wants to move near you but your father refuses to move.

The next time your parents have your husband their and ask your father straight out so when and you and mum moving back up to our area as I know mum is keen to do this?
If he complains I tell him straight out that your sick of listening to your mother complaining that she wants to move near you and you won't do this.
I be very blunt with your father over this.
Then get your husband to say that as a couple your can't give up weeks of your annual leave to go to Dorset or have them staying with you. But if they lived local to you they would have help with things and you could arranges careers for them also.

I would also say that your willing to help get them a place and you can arrange for their things to be packed and moved. If you could show them a few places online that are suitable and near you it could help the situation.

I am not saying this will be easy but unless they move I would not be giving up a lot of free time and holidays to accommodate them. Let them stay with you when your at work and the kids are at school/college and when you come home you doing stir fry, oven pizza ect.
The reality is that you and your husband are both working and have kids and they come before your parents in this situation.

I don't agree because circumstances are all different. My parents moved first, to a rural area when we were children and never visited family far away. We had to move for employment. A big driver of the move was so me and DH could support each other raising our family more, as we were the only hands on support we had. My parents come to visit us most because they have more money to do it, more time and they choose to. This whole wider situation is a result of choices they made when they were younger, so where do you draw the line about who is obligated to do what? Their choices have had flow on effects of making my life much harder and now, their own lives much harder as they age. Better to just do what fits with individual situations.

It's up to you to set boundaries - and for your parents to decide what is most important to them.

Your boundaries should be when, how often and for how long you see your parents. Discuss it with your DH, because presumably he has parents and your sons have weekend and after school activities - and your focus should be raising your children.

Your parents need to decide, based on their needs and your boundaries, whether they want to move closer to you or not.

But if they move closer - Is that what you want?

You might find yourself taking on more responsibilities, such as checking in on them, making sure they have groceries, paying bills, taking them to health check ups.

I'd get the calendar out and plan a year ahead for exactly when you do or don't see them. And check out carer services in the local area.

And when you work out your best plan for the year ahead - I'd call up brother and get him to commit to two or three visits per year. If he's counting on half the inheritance, he needs to also be there when your parents now need greater support.

I'm sorry but just like the OP's parents cannot dictate her actions, she cannot dictate her brother's. And talking about an inheritance in these situations is crass. You don't spend time with someone to shore up an inheritance.

I can totally understand that you are feeling torn op , it's a very difficult situation for you and I think you definitely need to sit them both down and explain that things have to change BUT I am totally shocked by so many awful replies of ,actions have consequences, they made their bed etc . These are parents we are talking about and having lost both my parents quite young and very suddenly I sincerely hope these people can live with themselves, in peace, when they loose theirs ,if that's the way they think of parents!
I am shocked.
Good luck op, I hope you get it sorted out.

I totally agree with you, I am really shocked by so many of the awful responses.

Do you realise how emotionally manipulative you sound? So people should not talk about their boundaries and needs just in case someone dies?

My DP did this, they moved 5+ hours away.

9 years after they moved my Mum had vascular dementia and needed a lot of care which fell to my Dad, unfortunately my Dad got a blood clot which meant he was in a lot of pain and needed help, then a year later he had a heart attack and had a pacemaker and bypass. Trouble was my DM couldn't be left alone so me and my DB had to tag team them for a few months. Luckily I could work remotely, but it didn't help as both me and DB had DC who needed to go to school. It was a hugely difficult time. My DM has passed and my DF has an amazing social life, but I'm dreading the day he needs care as we simply can't do it logistically.

I don’t find @Nickinoo22 post particularly manipulative. I’m also bemused by the pile on of people advocating distancing from parents who don’t comply, as if it was that easy. But perhaps I shouldn’t be, because this is what tend to happen when this question arises on mumsnet.

I would see them. You clearly love them and you won’t have them forever - see them x

You are right @TheGander I really shouldn't be surprised by many of the responses, it appears to be the world we sadly live in these days.

What’s not to like about visiting relatives in a foreign country with great weather, fab free accommodation… with active people in their fifties….

Do your parents speak French? Specifically, fluently?

@Nickinoo22 you literally said you hope people can live with themselves when their parents die because you don't agree with their opinions. Just think about that for a minute.

DH knows a couple who moved from the outskirts of London to a tiny seaside town in their late 70s.
They’ve always had pots of money. They kept going on about how it was their dream to move there. I’m still confused why they couldn’t buy a holiday flat there instead even years ago and maybe downsize where they were (huge 5 bed). But no, moved into another massive house there.
The husband became unwell fairly quickly and they would ring DH to complain about lack of medical care and difficulty getting to hospitals. How difficult it was getting referrals or were big distances away. Zero support network there, complained about lack of general facilities, lack of shops!
He passed away last year and his wife is back home living with a relative as she has no connection to the place, can’t drive and the transport system isn’t great. I think in her 80s she is overwhelmed with the prospect of selling and trying to find somewhere on her own.
The whole thing seemed a disaster for a pipe dream.

@Nickinoo22 Moving 3 hours away from a potential caregiver has a natural consequence of your potential caregiver now being 3 hours away. You'd have to be pretty hard to thinking not to get that.

It's all very well for people to refuse to consider how they will be supported saying they aren't there yet.

Unfortunately once they are there it's probably already too late. The prospect of sorting out a move is too much. The disruption and move away from the inconvenient but familiar is distressing.

A planned, anticipatory, move gives time for research, preparation.

Even if we won the lottery DH and I have already agreed we wouldn't Escape To The Country.

I'd say marriage and parenthood cancels out any such promise, otherwise why does the marriage service refer to 'forsaking all others'?