I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

I'm of the mindset that if any person(s) chooses to move away from their area/family etc, they have to accept that they are the ones who will do the lion's share of the travelling.

My extended family lived within a mile of each other in the 1970s and 1980s (and part of the 1990s,) some 20 people or so. Around mid-late 1990s, an aunt and uncle and cousin moved 28-30 miles away, just 28-30, and I think my aunts, uncles, and parents visited them 3 or 4 times, in about 3 years.

Then after 1999/2000, nothing. No-one visited them. They came back fortnightly, but hardly ever got anyone visiting them. So as time went on, their visits got less frequent, monthly, 2-monthly, then 3 times a year, then once a year... They also started being excluded from family events because they didn't live local anymore. May sound a bit cliquey, but this was how people were when people moved out of the area. You weren't a 'local' anymore. And they only lived 28-30 miles away!

I think you do have to accept though, that if you move away (30-50 miles or more,) from the area you grew up/raised your kids in etc, that you WILL be the one doing the lion's share of the visiting. You chose to go. People shouldn't have to put themselves out if YOU left.

JMHO. @Mini712 YANBU. You have done nothing wrong.

I really don't think anyone is having a go at retirees doing their own thing, but surely it's a two-way street? You can't move to the back of beyond and and expect that when you start to become less mobile and more frail, that your children will be able to keep visiting you, or have you staying with them every few weeks when they have busy lives of their own. I HATE the area we live in - it was a total accident that we ever came here related to DH's job at the time, but since both our children married locals and have made their lives here, we've made the decision to stay put although part of me would love to move back to the area I grew up in. I realise though, that at the ages of 73 and 76, it wouldn't be practical to make such a move now. I don't expect either of my children to look after us in our dotage, but I do want to be near enough to be able to see them and our grandchildren occasionally and not to burden them with unneccessary drives up and down the country when things start going pear-shaped as they are bound to at some stage. We expect to downsize during the next year or so to a property that would be suitable for one of us to remain in on our own if and when the other dies. Frankly, it seems the only sensible and kind thing to do for everyone.

@ParentChat Mine were like this too! Years and years of holidays of a lifetime! For a lot of these years I'd just graduated and was struggling financially and emotionally with infertility and repeat pregnancy losses. However, I was happy for them and figured it was entirely their business, and I was a grown up and needed to sort things out for myself.

Although I must admit got fed up with getting plastic ethnic tat jewellery as a "birthday treat" (their holidays always fell on my birthday). I also grew to hate their attitude in the run up and aftermath of the holidays - they became super entitled, really hard to deal with and expected some really big favours in terms of airport lifts, checking the house etc.

Now they're older and need help and expected me to travel down (they stay somewhere quite remote) and take time off work at my own expense, I'm self employed and have small children. At one point it was also heavily hinted at that I should give up work and become a carer for DF (now in a home), although quite how I was going to manage this, look after my kids and pay for petrol and the mortgage didn't seem to have occurred to them. Oh and go on holidays, DM kept trying to get my kids to expect holidays to her preferred destination.

I ran myself into the ground for a bit then figured if it was fine for them to spend resources on themselves and expect family members to be happy for them then it was ok for me to do the same.

I don’t in all honesty understand this thing about ‘moving away’. I’ve moved constantly all my life. My kids are not going to stay where they are either for the rest of their lives. Who lives all in one place most of their lives these days? Very few people all live in the same place as their kids when everyone has grown up. It’s not the way life works.

Agree with this. ^ @BuckaroowithBruce what you are going on about is completely irrelevant to the OP's situation. Absolutely nothing to do with her situation.

I'm in my mid thirties and to date I have lived in two different countries, and within that, 6 different cities. Most of those moves were my choice in adulthood. I at no point expected other people to facilitate any aspect of my life, and I have worked hard to keep my relationships with those people who I no longer live near alive. I make the effort to keep in touch, to see them, take an interest in their lives etc. And if at any point things go pear shaped for me, I will find a solution myself.

That's the difference here: people need to own their decisions and understand that other people's lives do not revolve around them regardless of DNA.

I think they didn't do anything wrong by moving to an area they liked, travelling. Now they are older, want to see you more often. You decide what works with you, what does not and meet them when it suits you all. No need for guilt or resentment unless they pressure you.

This thread resonates with me too. We are Escape to the Country fans and all through our earlier life while bringing up our family, we always dreamed of moving to Herefordshire in our retirement. (We live on the south coast between Southampton and Portsmouth and, while lovely in many respects, the area is getting more and more built up). We naively assumed that by the time we retired, all four of our parents would have died and our children would have moved away for University, work or relationships. We were fortunate to be able to retire early (mid fifties) and we both have very good occupational pensions and no money concerns.

However …… fast forward to now and we are in our mid sixties. My Mum is still alive (96 and in a care home with dementia but no way could I leave her). Plus, both our children live within a 20 minute drive of us and we now have two small grandchildren and I’m certainly not leaving them! So, we are staying here, in the 4 bed family home where we raised the children. We’re not downsizing, as DH has a (very) large record and CD collection which gives him a lot of pleasure and, although we are trying to declutter and sort out other ‘stuff’ we’re not ready to get rid of all our possessions just yet! Besides, the house is very convenient in many ways - nice walks to the coast from the door (luckily we’re still very fit and active) and a short walk to a local shopping centre with a Waitrose, Post Office and other amenities. We’re on hand to help with the grandchildren so our daughter can work and, although I certainly don’t expect the children to care for us when we’re elderly and frail, it’s still good to know that they are only a short car ride away.

We have POAs in place and we talk to the children about our future wishes. I suppose when one of us dies, the other one may move and downsize, but for now we’re pretty happy as we are. We’ll still visit Herefordshire from time to time for short breaks, but I now know I’ll never live there, and I’m OK with that 😊

@Tanglemead You sound so lovely! your daughter is blessed to have you as a parent and it sounds like you've been really practical with future planning

@biscuitsnow Thank you, you are very kind 😊. I’m sure all of us just want to do our best for our parents and our children, whilst still enjoying life ourselves. That’s the ultimate but not always easy!

I think it is very easy for parents to say they won't want help when they don't currently need help.

The issue comes when they do actually need help. Adult children are stuck. They can harden their hearts and say 'you made your bed now lie in it'. But what happens with the middle of the night calls?

• I/mum/dad have had a fall
• Your mum/dad were picked up wandering the streets in their night clothes
• I'm frightened

These are hard to handle when parents are local. Many times worse when parents are hours away.

I've told my family that if I develop dementia, just put me in a home. I'll get my washing done, my food provided, and I get to watch TV all day. Bring me chocolates and smuggle some wine in, and I'll be happy.

I can't bear those people who insist that they will never go into a home, and therefore provide their loved ones with massive guilt when it's clear they can no longer cope unassisted.

If your local hospital is awful they could move somewhere nearer but under another hospital - and you have some flexibility on which hospital you are treated at anyway. I'd reduce your visits so they realise you aren't at their beck and call - it's hard love but sometimes it's appropriate. The longer they leave it the harder the move will be for them. If they want to stay where they are they need to work out a care plan that is appropriate to them. My grandfather moved to the coast when he retired but came close to my mum (only child) for the last 5 years and moved in for the last few months.

The whole thread, and all the viewpoints, resonate. Very glad it's not just me who doesn't know what the best plan looks like. We plan to move when we finally wind up DH's business, but where to? We don't want to stay in the lovely place we live now (AONB, familiar and friendly, fantastic house) because it's too far from family and friends. DH doesn't much like the town where most of my family lives, and he's an only child. My DM is the only parent that I need to consider, but we are nearer 70 than 60, and I don't fancy multiple moves so we'd like to get it right-ish first time. In theory we could go anywhere.

Plus DC is only just ready to fly the coop, and probably won't settle down for years yet, so grandchildren are not imminent, by which time we may be too old for toddler-wrangling.

I’m almost in an identical situation including the lazy arse selfish brother (who is of course Mummy’s little soldier).
ultimately it was their choice to move and you can only do what you can do.
don’t beat yourself up your parents wouldn’t want that.

I've been in you situation. You need to set boundaries and also convince your brother that it's time to step up. Also your father needs to understand that there will be continuity of care if they move back nearer to you, as it sounds like that is what you and your mum want.

.. when you retire, this means escaping cities, but there is always a middle way, move to a buzzy town nearby, this is what we are doing, you will regret it if you don’t …

This is so true.

I never relied on my parents for childcare but even before they moved away they were never particularly hands on grandparents tbh and I didn’t expect them to be and so when they did move, it didn’t really impact me or my family as we were used to not having them around much.

Now they are getting older and able to do less, they now want the connection.

I will always care for my parents and do the right thing by them but it is hard to not feel some resentment and like you said love takes work, time and effort.

My parents moved 6 hours away from us and in an opposite direction of where we would holiday when I was a child. It was anticipated if they were going to retire anywhere, it would be there.

as we have our own business, Saturdays were spent quoting so that left only Sundays for us. A 6 hour drive each way and with a young child at the time was impossible.

they sold and moved back closer but didn’t go out and join in with like minded groups or friends.

any new experience was received negatively. Mum eventually became very nasty towards dad (early stage of her dementia) so he would be around here at the crack of dawn Sunday mornings.

DH and I think in hindsight they shouldn’t have moved at all. Their expectations of us without discussion were huge.

in your case OP could they find a nice care home/ facility that offers independent living? Something decent in the area they have chosen to like?

a villa that supports them to remain living their life without reliance or expectations placed on you?

I know exactly what you are going through. My parents moved to West Sussex. 1.5hrs from us. Was great when they were in their 70s but more tricky in their 80s. My father died at 86 and it was pretty quick and all over in a few months. My mum immediately got cancer. Needed treatment and was stuck in a big house alone miserable with no neighbours that could help. I had young kids but clocked up thousands of miles going up and down. My sister and I did most of the caring and my brother did the odd trip (and got the bloody royal treatment for it). My sister moved in with her for lockdown and then I moved her to me for the last two years of her life. She regressed to almost a child and I have 3 of my own so it was a lot but my parents were wonderful and I loved them tons so I was happy to look after her. It put a huge strain on my marriage though. She passed away a year ago. I miss them so much.

You are missing a trick here. You have holiday place in Dorset and all you have to do is go and see your parents. I’d be there every couple of weeks, let alone making them come to you. When I was little my grandparent (I had three sets) all lived near the coast. It was amazing yes I didn’t see them every day but school holidays and some weekends we’d be packed off and sent to grandparents for a mini break. The summers were endless a week with one, a week with another and then a holiday with the parents. I grew up living in a busy town, but also feeling like I grew up by the coast.

My DFs father and step nan lived in Dorset and they were similar to how you describe yours he wanted to stay she wanted to move nearer to us. I think you’re confusing your DM wanting to move back with your DM wanting to see you and DC’s more. They aren’t the same and I think for your DF’s sake you need to work out which one it is.

The end of my story was that DGF died and his wife was left on her own in Dorset, she made the move back up here. She sent her final years down the road from my Uncle, I don’t think she was any happier though. Dorset suited her and her lifestyle. Here she aged very quickly.

This is so similar to my experience with my DM. She was widowed early and in her 60s moved out to the middle of the country, to what was essentially a hamlet - no amenities, no transport, nothing. This was all fine until she was no longer able to drive. I had to drive down to collect her (2 hour journey each way). I had to take her shopping every weekend - I couldn’t rely on her putting an internet shop away safely - she took to putting fresh food in cupboards instead of the fridge. Both DH and I were working ft in really demanding jobs and had young children. She also had her name down for sheltered accommodation in a nearby small town which would have been ideal but, for reasons of snobbery, quietly took her name off the list without telling me. As her health deteriorated, so the demands on me grew. I too have a brother who did nothing - never even had her for Christmas so it all fell to me. When we eventually had to get her into a home for her own safety, she spat at me.

So all I can advise is that you have a frank (and if necessary forceful) conversation with your DPs. You are setting yourself up for possibly years of stress and misery if you don’t. Life will be so much more pleasant for you all if they can live much closer to you.

Good luck OP 💐

Really difficult for you
it amazes me how many people decide to move when retirement hits
and make no future plans re family failing health bus routes walkable shops etc
the same goes for house renovations, just been trying to persuade a friend in her mid 60,s ( money not tight tbh to include a downstairs loo/shower in her plans to future prof her home , her response was oh no we don’t need it !!!
All bonkers stuff
op thanks for your post it’s made me think of the long term implications of living near to loved family

Poor you @Username33141973 .After about 7 years of supporting and then managing all aspects of my dad’s life due to dementia, I had to agree to him going in to a care home ( as pretty much dictated by social services) after he’d literally punched his way out of one 2 years previously. But at least he didn’t spit at me 😱. Undoubtedly, it would all have been easier if he lived closer, but like you it was a 2-3 hour trip door to door to get to his.

Thanks @TheGander - to be fair, it was part of the dementia that caused her to spit but it hurt nonetheless.

And like a previous comment, my brother was absolutely the little prince for turning up once or twice a year. Funnily enough, after she died and we had to clear her house, he turned up as quick as you like 🤬