I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

It's not about distancing from parents, it's about recognising our own limitations in a particular circumstance. I cannot afford to constantly travel to my parents, I have children with needs that take my time, I have health needs of my own I need to give attention to, I'm also only human and not a machine that can just keep going and going without eventually breaking down. My parents have made choices that make it impossible for me to provide the care I would like to and would if they were closer. I have told them this and told them I can offer them all the care if they move closer. They won't. They plan to rely on the goodwill of neighbours (which will probably get old for the neighbours fast). I'm not going to provide all the details of my life but I simply can't provide care for them in the circumstances they have created if they don't change something. They don't have to, but then they can't expect me to compensate. Maintaining boundaries is going to be hard but it's going to have to be done, for everyone's sake.

They had their boundaries in place. You need to have yours. I'd say no to Easter and see them in may .

Boundaries or no there will come the time when @Mini712 will start receiving the calls in the middle of the night calls. Because when the kindly nurse/paramedic asks if there is anyone they should call it will be OP's name that's given.

This is part and parcel of having elderly and unwell parents. There were many such calls when DMIL was in the last few months of her life. This was manageable for us as DMIL was relatively close by (next town) plus the load was split between DH and his brothers.

I can't imagine what it would have been like if DMIL had been a long drive away and DH the only emergency contact.

Time to start thinking about moving them close to you I would say. My parents are 84 and with a number of health issues have come to rely on me and my sisters for little tasks. My mum recently had a major operation and with them living a few minutes away we have been able to take meals in for them. Better to act now while they are still healthy than have to scrabble around making arrangements when there is a crisis. To those saying just leave them, think about how much care they gave you when you were younger - it’s not about having to do things for them, it’s about putting yourself in their shoes. It’s tough getting old and a little compassion goes a long way.

we had similar. Mum n dad only moved 45 mins away, DF had dementia and DM cared for him. Until DM died unexpectedly and obv DF couldn’t stay in their home any longer. Definitely try and have a conversation about the future with them. It’s a crappy situation when one parent is struggling health wise

@adorablecat I agree, after all, he can't have made that promise on behalf of his future partner and children as well. There is something really quite sinister about people having children to (seemingly at least) ensure that they will have carers in the future.

My parents were saying stuff like this at one point until I put them right.

And just in case anyone comes back with "just wait until you're elderly", I do not have children, so am already working to put a plan in place for when I will be elderly as I don't have anyone to burden.

You can't just decide to move them closer to you. That has to be their decision.

Mine have decided to be far away, in spite of urgings to think about moving closer to someone for support in a few years so, until they invent teleportation, there's not much we can do on the practical front.

Good on you. I have no plan to rely on my children and I don't think they 'owe me' for the care provided when they were children. I chose to have them so that was my responsibility and the least I could do for them.

No, I appreciate that, but opening discussions would be a good thing, especially as they are clearly not enjoying being so isolated.

If they are open to a discussion. Mine aren't. They say it will be fine and people around them will help. The neighbours might get sick of that fast. If they won't plan, they won't plan, but it doesn't mean I can be available to pick up the pieces at a distance.

@ForestBather it's a shame that a lot of people don't see it the way you do. I have had my parents use the "look at everything we have done for you" card before, which only worked to infuriate me.

As if feeding and clothing the children you created is some massive achievement that should then result in them feeling a lifetime of duty towards you.

In that situation, they have made their own decision and can’t expect you to be there to support them when things are not so easy later on. It’s very difficult having elderly parents, and I think even tiny changes are hard for them, even if in the long a move would be better for all concerned.

I am sure my parents would say they don't want their children to have to help and that may even be why they are not considering moving nearer but as pp have said, it's not that easy when the hospital/paramedic/neighbour need to call someone.

We had this situation exactly. It took my sister and I eighteen months to persuade them to move closer to us. Soon after they moved mum had a fall and broke her hip, meaning a long stay in hospital and Dad needed help at home which was easy for us to do as he only lived ten minutes away. Had they been three hours away it would have been a nightmare. Since then Mum has developed dementia and we have had to get help at home, which we both put in place. We still pop round nearly everyday, go to hospital appointments, pick up prescriptions and organise their supermarket shopping. But the most important thing is we are spending time with them as they get older and more infirm, but can also have our own lives. You need to have a frank conversation with them about what the future could look like if they stay further away and reiterate that you have your own family who need you too. All your fathers medical records and care can be easily transferred, we did it. Good luck, I know how hard it is!

But what you are you supposed to do when you are hours or an international or cross country flight away? Other than what you can do over the phone immediately, there's not a lot you can do when these urgent situations arise.

@ForestBather what you will be expected to do is blat down the motorway, stop off at elderly parent's home to pick up changes of clothes, medication, hearing aid, toiletries etc. Hurry to hospital, try and locate parent. Relieve neighbour who will be glad to get gone as they have their own life to be going on with.

You will then be stuck waiting with ill/injured parent waiting to find out if they are going to be admitted, discharged, instructed to come back the next day for a dressing change.

If other parent is around you will also be calming/consoling them.

You will be trying to work out if you will be able to go home that day or if you need to arrange to stay over.

Going forward and trying to be pro-active, I wonder if the good people at Age Concern have come up with a template for those with faraway family members that can be filled in ahead of the inevitable crisis?

So the next time any of us head to the faraway home we get them to fill out the name of a local person to contact in case of hospital admission, or the person who will accompany them, to appointments, facilitate OT visits or transport them home...

Surely you would do this for an adult child or a younger sibling or anyone in your family who needs urgent medical help? This situation doesn’t just arise in the elderly population.

Surely you would do this for an adult child or a younger sibling or anyone in your family who needs urgent medical help? This situation doesn’t just arise in the elderly population

But its more likely to happen with the elderly. With increased frequency.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

In extremis I would be doing this for my adult DCs but they have their own partners to be the first point of contact.

If you are the point of contact for faraway elderly parents then it will fall to you. From experience it will happen a number of times. There is a good chance the frequency will increase.

DS's uni flatmate broke both wrists playing football.
A mate took them both to A&E in a car. The lad had his phone, with his parents numbers, the rest of the flat on a group chat, his girlfriend, the Uber App, the ability to pay on his phone.
Uni security opened the lads door so the parent could get his laptop and clothes. All problems solved via a community of people.

When my mum broke her wrist, she got the bus, because she didn't want to bother the neighbour. Left her mobile at home, because it wasn't charged because she only used it for emergencies. Had her cheque book and £20 but no bank card because she keeps them seperate.

The whole thing was an epic unnecessary cluster fuck. I had to drive not knowing what the timescale was, search the hospital, double back to the house to pick up stuff for the next day, etc, etc.

Students are ace.

Well, I won't be, because the flight will take a long time.

And if there's no-one local?

Well, yes, I would, but it's hard when the need is immediate and I need to book flights, take a long flight, and then get to them once I've arrived.