I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

@toomuchcardboard "This pushes up house prices and decimates rental home market so young people can't afford to live here."

Really interesting post toomuchcardboard. I've lived in cities and rural areas. I'm very interested in the above issues, but I would say that in the rural areas I know best there is very very little rental market. It's terrible.

However, it seems to be a complicated problem. One of the main culprit appears to be airbnb. Whilst this brings in visitors which some places depend on, the over prevalence can make things really difficult for small communities as the economies become completely seasonal, younger people can't live there and some areas struggle to keep shops open and things running in the winter months. There is an argument that at least retirees are living in areas permanently and contribute to the local economy all year round. But like everything it's a matter of balance isn't it? It's interesting to read on here how so many of people's parents on this thread have not build relationships, friendships or inroads with the communities into which they move. I wonder why not.

Also we tend to over-focus on buying houses. But rents are something the media seems hardly ever to discuss but is so key. The local rental market in the rural areas I know best is made untenable by the fact that you can charge such high prices for holiday lets. So more and more places get turned over to this. The local jobs are not at a salary level of high flying jobs in the city. So this means actual living rents are vastly outpaced by holiday rents. Therefore the rental market is almost non-existent.

This whole area is very tricky though, as it also can be an important part of how locals survive in their areas. Running a holiday cottage. Providing income in areas that aren't necessarily that easy to get an income all year round.

But there also seem to be more holiday cottages just bought up across beautiful rural areas by companies or individuals who don't live in and have no input those areas. There are also, as you say, lots of places bought up by people who want a holiday home but basically live elsewhere, and therefore are only there for tiny amounts of time. This again can mean the rental market is destroyed and the local economy is not being supported for large parts of the year.

All that being said, this is also a massive problem in the cities. My home city is a mess due so many properties turned over to air bnb and short term lets. It distorts the rental market and leaves areas even within a city with the same sort of issues of not having local shops and facilities supported year round, as in the countryside.

I also don't like the blaming of individuals for following their dreams. I would also argue that we don't do enough to enhance and protect the greenery in our cities. Why, after all, do people so desire to get out of them? They can be noisy, polluted and littered. I've certainly felt a bit depressed at the state of my home city in recent years.

It's all about balance.How do we achieve this as individuals and as communities and for the country overall? It would be so interesting to have a thread on this issue not for everyone to vent but to collect different experiences and views and ideas of how to get that balance.

Yes I understand that YouveGotAFastCar and it’s a very good point. Pressure on families is always building and retirement age is lengthening. I do think it is selfish to expect to depend on your dc when they are busy with children and jobs. I was just talking about love really. No one on this thread seemed to be mentioning it! And it’s an important element in the discussion. It works both ways of course!

Just a thought OP, but I got some great advice on this board about this a while ago!

When your parents visit for a week at a time, are you bending over backwards to run around after them? We'd been doing that when my DM came for the weekend, it was partly why we hated her coming to visit as it was so much work and not a weekend for us! All activity focussed on her (she can't walk far and prefers sitting talking and drinking coffee - we have an energetic young child!), meals at her preferred times and preferred foods. One time she decided to stay on after the weekend to visit friends. She seemed to think it would be just like at the weekend, but it was a weekday, we were both working and DD at preschool. Two days of her basically being ignored as we weren't in the house but at work, told her to make a cup of tea if she wanted one, we arrived home like a whirlwind, got DD to bed (she'd had tea at preschool), then we ate something quick like a stir fry (not 'proper food' in DM's mind) at about 8.30pm (way after DM's normal meal time). She was rather horrified and hasn't extended a stay since! We didn't set out to be like that, this is very genuinely what normal weekdays are like for us but she had no idea what 'busy' meant!

My parents are encouraging us to move away, nit far, still close enough to see them but a different area. Years ago we moved back to be close to them (they still lived in the nice area I grew up in). They love us, we love them and have lived close to each other for many years. Over that time, during times of need I have cared for them and they have cared for us but they want us to be free. Roots and wings …

Yes @EmotionalBlackmail spot on. I do go a bit overboard when they come and stay. They even having tea making facilities in their room🤣!

Like your DM, they can’t walk very far so we often end up just sitting around watching TV especially in the winter.

Quite unfair of them. It was their choice to move so far away, they should have built in plans to return when they got to a certain age and realised they would miss their family. Sounds like you've been very accommodating, hosting for a week every month.
Was it your dad who drove it? Think you shouldn't be scared of having an honest convo with them about how it's impacting on you and asking them directly if they'd think of moving back because you want to see them but the long travel time to visit is dfficult for you - presumably you work etc. Even if you don't, it's a bit much to want to dictate how you spend Easter - it was their choice to move so far away that you can't easily see each other. And it's nice they've had a nice retirement but parents tend to need their family as they get older and you can't easily drop everything and rush 3 hours away if anything happened.

That really is awful.

Is your view a bit clouded by some resentment OP? Your first post says you were upset with them for moving away from your young family, and that they've had "fancy holidays and cruises galore". That last sentence is laced with bitterness. It feels like you resent them from enjoying the fruits of their labour and not being around to support you with young children.

That could be wrong but that's how it comes across to me

I think everyone is welcome to enjoy the fruits of their labour but not at the expense of other people's emotional, physical and financial wellbeing.

If my parent was expecting me to sacrifice my time with my children, partner, friends etc., spend my weekend travelling across the country, dealing with the reams of paperwork that inevitably arise in such cases, as well as appointments and so on, then I would certainly question why they spent over a decade in denial about their circumstances and then expect me to pick up the pieces.

I don't know about the OP's parents' finances, but maybe fewer cruises would have meant more money to outsource tasks now? But it just seems like there is always the expectation that someone (and let's face it-usually a daughter) will be there to save the day.

I was just talking about love really. No one on this thread seemed to be mentioning it!

I think this is a tad unfair. Multiple people in this thread have expressed worry, concern and overwhelming guilt that they cant be visiting their parents more often due to them moving miles away. Its not a situation they wanted in the first place BECAUSE they wanted to be able to help them because they love them. Its not about a lack of love at all. "Love" is all very well but telling my employers that I love my parents wont magically give me 2 weeks extra annual leave will it? Love wont magically provide me with free childcare when I have to leave my kids to travel 8 hours there and back to see them, nor will love make my mortgage lender allow me to reduce my monthly payments so I can go part time to see my parents more. People are referring here to the practical aspects of literally not being physically able to do it all- not being able to do everything like work FT, look after kids and also travel back and forth for hours every week. This has nothing to do with love and everything to do with the cold hard practicalities of life.

The cruises - there's something pretty grim about these and honestly they have driven the biggest wedge between myself and my parents.
At first I was genuinely excited for them but it's been years now of holidays of a lifetime. The round the world cruise ten years ago came in at £48,000.
They did three cruises one year, minimum four weeks.
They come back having been waited on hand and foot and surrounded by others in a very small bubble. It makes them intolerant and unpleasant to be around, it's a bit like a teen or toddler picking up different values from a friend group.
Meanwhile I have their gardening, house checking etc to deal with involving a three hour round trip.
I've completely run out of fucks to give for retired people's holiday plans.

Exactly. And what about the parents' love for their children? Should their love not manifest into not expecting their children to run themselves ragged?

Not to go off on a tangent, but it's really only in the last couple of generations that this sort of issue has arisen to such an extent. By and large, throughout history, people really didn't move away from where they grew up, and so as people aged, the bonds of family and community remained strong, and for most people, popping in to see their parents fit into the rhythms of everyday life as the parents remained in the same town and continued to contribute to the family. I don't mean financially by the way, I mean emotionally. How many threads do we see on this app where people are so upset about making the effort with friends and family and getting nothing back?

Now everything has changed: the way we live, the way we work (e.g. for most it takes two working adults working full time for 40 years just to pay the bills).

So retired people taking themselves off and moving hundreds of miles away from their networks and families (not for work, opportunities or out of necessity, but for their own desires) does mean that they cannot expect to have the same stake in the families and communities they leave behind. People do not exist in vacuums and people move on. Every relationship needs work to survive.

A perfect example from my own life: my parents basically neglected their children in favour of work for decades (not out of need I should add). We spent years telling them they were neglecting their children, their grandchild, their friends and their own families and they ignored us. They worked and worked and worked. We all moved on. Stopped sharing our lives with them, confiding in them, begging to spend time with them. We found those connections elsewhere. And then they retired and now THEY had the time and inclination. Guess what has happened? No one is there.

Love takes work and time and effort.

Why do you need to do house checks for them? Leave them to find a neighbour or just lock their house up and leave it. You sound so jealous. It’s their money and their life.

Yes this is what happened with my parents. Put no effort in and then expected help when they needed it.

100%

At 57 I have no desire to move from my boring market town because we are surrounded by people we know, it's where I've lived all my life, DS just down the road, DD 18 miles away, on a bus route, shops, doctors, opticians, dentist all close by.

I just have my eye on Rightmove now, for that perfect bungalow in the same area. unfortunately it's like waiting for dead men's shoes

I think when people’s mental faculties start to slow (at whatever age that is, but often happens in tandem with physical frailty) then making any big decisions is just too much to bear and instead of being able to admit it, they often resort to blustering/anger/silence and refusal to discuss.

I would suggest seeing if you can talk about a theoretical move once “you have lost your marbles” or whatever other phrase works to make them think its not imminent and its light hearted. Where would you like to be if DM needs a nursing home, would it be helpful to be closer to me, so that I could help DM? Anything you can do to take the focus off him declining but getting him to think of the future. If he blusters about, it would never work, too much work, I like my doctors here…try saying I’m sure we are all smart enough to solve any problems, but we are only talking about the theory here so we dont need to consider boring practicalities.

Then stop and change the topic. Then the next time you talk to them, keep musing with them both about where they would like to be if money was no object, and life was perfect.

Then if you can get any sensible ideas out of them, slowly start to provide solutions to the practical problems
They cant pack..of course you wouldnt expect it. They should just gather their things for a week in a nice hotel in the country and you will pack the house for them (of course you wont do this, but its all about making them feel that the problems they see are manageable for them)
They cant sell the house…of course you wouldnt expect it. You will manage the whole process for them and just check in with them on the big decisions
They cant face sorting and culling their possessions….of course, you wouldnt expect it. The movers will take the items they want to their new flat, and everything else will go to a properly managed storage unit close by and then they can leave it all there, or you can bring them a box at a time to look through and they can make decisions at their leisure

The key is to break down the problem into tiny chunks and only discuss one at a time. Expecting them to be able to hold multiple problems simultaneously will likely result in a shut down and tantrum (or sorts). I found treating my frail, elderly parents and in laws similarly to my dc when they were 3/4 ish in terms of mental processing was very productive for us all…and I mean this in the kindest terms. I have great respect and love for them, but was realistic about the ravages of time on their brains and expecting them to be able to do mental gymnastics at the level they were at in their 40s was just cruel and upset us all.

Your parents are obviously feeling quite insecure about being down there on their own. Yes they did move down there out of choice and they have obviously had an amazing retirement. Maybe now is the time to suggest that they move to a retirement village down there or up near where you are so that there is somebody on call 24 hours a day so that they have a little bit more confidence that if something happens, someone will be there. as for Easter, I do understand why they wouldn’t want to see you. in our family we treat Easter a bit like Christmas and have a big meal and all get together as a family. Hopefully you can come to some sort of compromise with your parents and like I say sheltered living or retirement villages maybe the way to go for them.

Yes exactly- well said. You cant ignore familial relationships when it suits you and then pick them back up off the shelf when you need something. Thats not very "loving" at all.

I don't think ParentChat sounded 'so jealous' more like worn down.

It is a shame but was their decision. It all falls on you despite not being the only child!

My parents went down to Hampshire and I was relieved because where they lived in Hillingdon was not very nice. A while later my brother and his family decided to move out of Hastings for similar reasons (best decision they ever made, it has been wonderful for the kids!), followed by my Aunt. Thank Christ she moved from South Croydon! Sadly Mum, Dad and Aunt no longer with us.

Obviously I am not suggesting you move to Dorset. Why should you if your family is happy where you are?

Not being morbid but if Dad has health issues, Mum might be able to move on her own?

I think some expectation management is needed. Speaking from personal experience the more you do, the more they’ll expect. I was in a similar situation regarding my brother. One day when my mum was complaining that her windows needed cleaning and listed a whole lot of other jobs, I asked her had she asked my brother for help. That was the most assertive I was with her (I was run ragged and hadn’t had time to clean my own windows in years…) I’m not sure she appreciated it and it had a detrimental affect on my own family life particularly my husband. Looking back I regret not prioritising my own needs. It seems like they expect you to be flexible without compromising themselves

This thread has really made me appreciate my parents! They moved 2 hours from the town I'd grown up in to a 5 minute walk from my house. People assumed it was to do my childcare, which they do on occasion but not often, like covering work, but babysitting if they aren't busy. The big benefit to me is to save me the inevitable hours on the motorway when they get older and frailer. For legitimate reasons my sibling won't be any practical help. I was so pleased during covid that we could sit in each other's gardens. We aren't in each other's pockets because we aren't like that but they see me and the family once or twice a week, sometimes more. Never less, as I can easily pop over, or husband will go and help with something (more patient than me!) I was worried that we would be expected to be their whole social life but they have their religious worship, charity work and music groups. More extra curriculars than my kids! They are having a weekend back to their old town soon, and they have had lots of visitors, their friends enjoyed having somewhere new to explore.

Not sure you’ve read the thread ? OP from all her posts sounds measured , dutiful, kind and the kind of person that never wants to upset her parents . She has not mentioned them not looking after her young when children but yet here they are very clearly needing her help now and imposing themselves and their needs . She doesn’t sound bitter or jealous just rightly frazzled !

That is a horrific amount to spend on cruises. Fooking hell! I know it's their money and all that jazz, but I am sure they could have spent less than that!

I agree @ParentChat Your parents sound a bit precious and over privileged.

Agree ... OP has done nothing wrong.