I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

I accept that won’t be easy for many - I was always more than an hour and a half away from my parents, for many years much more. But if, as in the OPs case, a move closer is feasible, it should be seriously considered. Managing ageing parents’ lives from a distance is hard.
Further to my comments about having the ‘difficult conversation’, my parents told me repeatedly that they would never expect to move in with me and that removed a lot of potential guilt when in due course I had to make difficult decisions about their care. I have said the same to my DC - all I ask is that they arrange a suitable care package and make sure I’m being looked after properly.

I live in one of these nice villages that might appear on Escape to the Country…

We now have a ton of older people that rely on how kind the locals are for care/favours. It’s actually becoming unmanageable.

I agree that it’s irresponsible to move away and not give a second though that someone will have to support you one day.

We did have room for them to stay. We did all the hosting, it was never reciprocated. We couldn't afford to stay in hotels when we had young children.

Haven’t read the full thread but it sounds like they are not short of money - could they try an air b and b nearer you for 2-4 weeks in May/June to trial living in the area?

@Fraudornot Good suggestion if they didn’t know if they would like the area they were moving to, to be near family.

In my situation they already know the area because they lived here for 30 years before moving to Dorset to retire.

Mum would love to move back to be near family and friends but Dad resisting due to deteriorating health and not wanting to change doctors & hospitals.

They can afford to move back but could only afford a flat. In Dorset they have a detached bungalow with a third of an acre of land so it will be a big change in that respect.

I would have an honest conversation with them if you can (very difficult I know) about the future. They need to move back close to you whilst they're still mobile and have a new plan for their older years. They obviously want to be near you. The alternative is they'll leave it too late and the burden will all be on you to move them/keep travelling to see them/sort their house etc. See if you can get them downsizing and planning ahead because you can't keep 'hosting', you need things set up sustainably. It sounds like a good time to think about that.

@Mini712 i get what you are saying but why not let them rent a flat air b and b and I bet they love flat living and they can catch up with friends and make sure they have the full picture of medical facilities in the area. I would also play to your dad that what would happen to mum if she was left on her own and had to handle everything with you all so far away. The problem is they are not really being inconvenienced at the moment and they are going to have to be persuaded to make some changes. It’s really difficult and without doubt it is harder to adapt to change when you are older.

Why can’t your mum move back alone? Your dad can’t keep her there against her will.

Yep I get this, people don't think of their later retirement years.
My in laws moved a few hours away a couple if years ago. I at the time was very cross and very insulted on behalf of my young children who were used to seeing them multiple times a week. I made it clear when they moved we would not be holidaying there or visiting often it would be their job.
Less than a year later they had their house in the faraway land on the market because they were lonely and thought people would visit more.
I'm still cross with them, the house hasn't sold and they come and visit us and just grate on me.

If they were to move, at their ages you would probably want it to be their last move. So I would be looking at retirement flats. I assume they would need to downsize and reduce their house contents, which is a stressful task.

Can your DM come up on her own to visit you? Can she get herself a social life where they currently live?

I hear you. This is part of my parents' plan. "People are willing to help." That might be fine once or twice but when it becomes a weekly commitment, people might not be so willing to go out of their way.

Could be worse, OP. Friends of dh’s old aunt retired to very rural France. The wife neither drove nor spoke any French, so after her husband dropped dead she was well and truly up shit creek.

As far as I recall they had no children expected to pick up the pieces, though, so what happened I don’t remember - if I did ever hear, that is.

Yes, it could be worse, they could in France!

This is my situation although we moved to a coastal town 30 years ago in our 40s. Kids have all ended up in their universities or their partners city so we are between 100 and 300 miles from any of them. I want to move so much, I feel so cut off and ideally I'd like to move to a middle place between them where I would be in same city as one and maximum of 100 from the one furthest away.

I also want to live in a city, I'm not bothered about the beach, I want museums and shops and theatres and a good bus service.

My husband won't move, he won't even talk about it. I feel at 70 I'm wasting the last good years of my life but I don't know what I can do. I sympathise with your mother.

OP, I suggest you sit down with your parents and together, formulate a plan going forward: 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. Ask them what they would want you to do in case of various scenarios, from either/both being unable to drive, to serious illness to being widowed, all the while taking into account your own family commitment.
You are allowed to veto any suggestions if they don’t suit you btw. Just be businesslike, and get your brother involved too. This conversation needs to happen

@Iwasafool - you don’t have to stay. I’m not a huge advocate for divorce or anything, but both you and OP’s mother appear stuck. You are able to move, if you choose to. Your H/partner can’t stop you!

DH and I are early 60s. We are moving back to my childhood town while still able to bring the new house up to our specifications. We’ve picked a house that allow us to pay off mortgage, will see us through to problematic old age and is suitable to modify for independent life on the ground floor with access to good healthcare, public transport and even a level short walk to local shops. I also need a good (large) local hospital for treating my long term health condition.

Neither of us have DCs that live in the same place so have chosen to relocate to my old town as it is close to my DSis, DF and DNeice and old friends that we are still in regular contact with. Where we live now (rural Sussex) we have seen most of our friends move away, DHs close family members have died and DCs have flown the nest to all corners of the country.

When we mention to people where we’re moving to, and why, they are perplexed as apparently ‘we’re not old’, ‘why would you leave beautiful Sussex’ and ‘why are you worrying about hospitals?!’ Colleagues are astonished we are planning for being old and frail as if it’s a really peculiar thing to do.

My DDs are happy about our plans as they’ll have a base again in their home town and can more easily visit extended family. Plus by not moving too close to them they are still free to move for jobs etc. DSCs are in their 20s and seem indifferent as they are more focused on their own lives. If they think about it I suspect they are just glad that their DF will have more support as he ages without needing to rely on them.

There are lots of reasons I suppose, for me is there enough money for two homes, do we get divorced which seems drastic if you've been married 40 or 50 years but if you don't can you amicably sort out finances? Somehow I don't think my husband is going to play ball with that.

Being really blunt @Mini712 if your Dad is in poor health with heart problems, and he's 80 now, his life expectancy may be another 5 years. (Ok he may go on longer, but with increased immobility.)

I think you need a two-pronged plan.

The first is to agree some boundaries for seeing your parents now.
Their staying for a week and expecting to see you every 2-3 weeks is not realistic.

The second is to have a very serious conversation about the future.

I can understand why your Dad doesn't want to move.
Deep down he knows his days are numbered.
He wants to enjoy his time, his garden and the familiar medical set up.

The outcome will probably be that your Mum will move closer to you when she's widowed.

I'd avoid assuming this would be a retirement flat. I've a family member who's been looking at those for some years (she's only 76) but the outgoings are high ( several thousands a year) and you never get back what you pay for them.

As above money is a big issue as is guilt. Leaving a partner of decades when they are in poor health and declining is hard to deal with.

My GS has told me he will arrange my care when the time comes, he says he doesn't trust his father/aunts/uncles to do a good job. Not sure what my kids would think of that sentiment.

The benefit of a retirement type flat is that you have built in social life, so if having to make new friends and not rely solely on local family there will be activities etc that you can join in with.

Also some of them will have gardens that you can help with, so you don’t have to give up gardening

I suppose one difference for me is my children spent a significant part of their childhood here so visiting us also means they meet up with old friends so it doesn't feel so much like them having to visit us.

Yes, your DH sounds just like my dad.

It’s the not even being prepared to talk about it that upsets me. I was hoping they could sort it out together and come to a compromise but it looks like I’m going to have to get involved.

I do sympathise and hope your DH will come round.

Could they get planning permission for half the garden and sell it to fund a small flat near you? Just a random thought!

i have been following Dr Elena Mucci on instagram (https://www.instagram.com/doctor.elenamucci) I don’t think we would get on in person but she seems a very knowledgeable geriatrician with a focus on quality of life. I wonder if a private appointment with someone like this when they next visit would help take some of the fear away from moving hospitals? You could perhaps come up with a plan? Most private doctors also work int he NHS so if you find someone local they would be able to reassure your father how to navigate the change?