I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

@Mini712
I’m maybe going to be slightly controversial here!
I’m 50 with 2 teenage dds.
We lost both my in-laws to cancer within a year of each other,my MIL just before my oldest was born and my FIL when she was 1.My Dad died when the girls were 2 and 5 months old.
So,they grew up with my Mum as their only Grandparent.She lived an hour and a half away and was very fit,she visited regularly and the girls loved going to stay with her(ironically she lived in Dorset!).
Tragically,she developed breast cancer when the girls were 5 and 7 and died 2 years later.
What I’m trying to say is,they’re gone so soon.My Mum would have loved to see my girls grow up and they miss her so much.
Yes,it’s hard when they’re poorly and,if they haven’t got a good network where they are,maybe encouraging them to move closer would be a good idea,but just remember,you only have one set of parents and when they’re gone,they’re gone.

I don't blame you for mentioning Escape to the Country!
I love the show but I see how many very wealthy and privileged couples of a certain age buy these massive houses. I know they've done well in life and looked after their money.
It sends shivers when they say they have two adult sons with wives and children and they imagine the Christmas tree in the huge hall, all the bedrooms and fabulous kitchen. Do their daughters in law have no families....they might want to visit their own mams and dads sometimes.
Unfortunately spacious apartments for elders can cost a fortune but I think you need to have kindly but stern words. Best of luck.

Yes, this is the point. OK, DO move to some out of the way place with no public transport. But don't then whine that you are miles away from the local supermarket and have no friends (not that I am saying the OP's mum is saying this, but a lot of people seem to think their adult children should run around after them)

Quite. My dad did this- insisted on impulsively moving miles away, ended up with severe health issues, no friends in the area because he hadn't made any, lonely and isolated and utterly miserable. He was too stubborn and proud to ever admit he had made a mistake though- even though it was obvious to everyone he was lonely and sad about it and kept begging people to go and see him. Sadly, we couldn't see him much due to the sheer distance.

I feel zero guilt about that though- it was his choice to move and I did gently warn him to think about the risks prior to going but he wouldnt listen. Unfortunately, it was his own stubbornness that made his last few years miserable for him.

My in laws moved 2.5 hours away from us and DSIL when they were 60 and now in their mid 70s they understandably find the drive a lot so want us to go to them - I am rather fed up having to spend time over every festive period charging up and down the motorway (plus multiple other times a year but at Christmas it feels even more knackering). But it is very much expected.

haha! good one 😆

How many jobs are there that are suitable in Dorset?! I mean, it might work if you're a teacher, nurse, dentist etc as those roles must be everywhere but many more 'career' type roles are concentrated in some areas.

@Seizethedog why should a middle aged person prioritise looking after their elderly parents over looking after their children, or enjoying their own lives, or prioritising their careers etc etc? The fact of the matter is we all focus on what is important to us, and if the OP's parents decided 12 years ago that their retirement to the country was their priority, then the OP has a right to decide that her own life is her priority now.

All actions have consequences, and the OP should not be expected to pick up the pieces for decisions that had nothing to do with her.

I frankly find it bizarre that people make these massive decisions with no thought about the what ifs and with no forward planning.

Did they make sure to move somewhere with good services and intergrate into a community? Did they future proof their new house in case they developed mobility issues? Did they make sure they had a funding pot for outsourcing aspects of care when they would come to need it? I'm betting no to all of the above. It is utterly selfish behaviour, and the fact her dad refuses to contemplate moving shows his lack of regard for everyone else's welfare. So who is being selfish here?

My FIL is 3.5 hours away and at 80 has just bought a house near us. He’s never lived here before, but is realistic that with jobs and a family, we are not as flexible. Thank goodness he’s sensible.

If you have plans then tell them that and arrange for another time. I’m an only child and my parents retired to Spain. Shortly after this move my Mum needed dialysis 3 times a week so visiting me was almost impossible. Then when my mum was dying it was hard. Then when my Dad became poorly and needed care I couldn’t provide it as I had 2 children under 2 and lived in the U.K.

It was their choice to move but they had the best retirement in the years that they had. It sounds like this is the case for your parents. I also look back on times I held off a visit as short on annual leave etc and wish I had visited more.

My grandparents moved 5 miles out of the city they’d lived in for years to a nearby village.

grandad can no longer drive, gran never did and they’re miserable! My gran didn’t want to move - she was in walking distance of her friends, with good bus links into town. It was my grandad who pushed it and now he’s in poorer health.

My mum lives nearby but still has to do shopping for them (they don’t get the concept of online shopping) and hates seeing how depressed her mum is. So you don’t have to move far for things to go wrong!

I'm horrified by those having a go at retirees enjoying their retirement. I mean, going on holidays instead of spending time with their offspring? Having a nice life of their own instead of being there to look after the grandchildren in an emergency? Ruining career choices by checks notes not living near their kids? Get a grip. You're responsible for your own life, never once did I expect my parents to take up any slack on the child rearing front. It was my choice to have children and it was my bed to lie in - care wise and work wise.

My parents retired to France in their late fifties, to a house with huge garden about ten minutes walk to a very pretty village with a shop, bar, restaurant and bakers. They have had a brilliant time, have a better social life than me and a really high quality of life. My dad now has French citizenship and will never come back to live in Britain. We visit a couple of times a year, they visit a couple of times a year and my kids have been spending at least three weeks of their summer holiday every year since they were three. Consequently they have a great relationship with their grandparents. There's no resentment from me. But then again, they don't put pressure on me to visit. Now my teens are older, they visit independently too so there's only a couple of months at most between visits from one or other of us (I have a brother and sister who visit twice a year too). They have friends visiting quite often from the UK too - I think that's a really important thing, that they have kept close to people they knew when they lived in the UK.

I intend to do the same in three years time. Probably to a similar area in France. I have one teen who wants to live in New Zealand and another who wants to live in Germany. So even if I stayed in the lovely market town I currently live in, there's no guarantee I'd be aging close to my kids. And I very much will NOT be around to do daily childcare of grandchildren, although I will be more than happy to have them for extended holidays, much like my own parents were with mine. The summer holidays were always the most pain the arse childcare wise, so knowing mine were safe and having a ball for three weeks (then we''d join them) was bloody brilliant.

I've worked really hard all my life since I was 18. I'll have the retirement I dream of. And I won't be guilting my kids to look after me.

Great that your parents have had a successful retirement to France. My DH’s parents tried that and it was a disaster but that’s another story altogether!
I can’t recall seeing any posts on this thread discussing parents not “being there to look after the grandchildren in an emergency” or the “ruining career choices” but maybe I missed those ones.

Buckaroo spectacularly misses the point.

So your experience has been nothing like that of OP's or most of the other posters on this thread. Your parents have moved to an area with lots of amenities and support, and are not pressuring you to constantly visit and look after or entertain them. That's how it should be.

Unfortunately for most people, that is not the case, and children are expected to pick up the pieces when their parents' grand retirement plans do not turn out like they'd hoped.

I agree with other posters that you need to have a heart to heart with them and set some boundaries. Regarding your Dad’s health, can your dad not see how difficult life may become for them both (especially your mum!) as he gets older and more sick? Surely they will want and need your support? I understand the thought of moving will be overwhelming for him, but “short term pain, longer term gain”? You could offer to help with it and rope your brother in too! As a cautionary note, my friend had her mum live them temporarily while she looked for a flat near them and was there for 8 years! Just beware of them ending up with you by stealth!

@@AluckyEllie that was a brutal post. I love my parents and could never see them in those terms.

I'm horrified by those having a go at retirees enjoying their retirement. I mean, going on holidays instead of spending time with their offspring? Having a nice life of their own instead of being there to look after the grandchildren in an emergency? Ruining career choices by checks notesnot living near their kids? Get a grip. You're responsible for your own life, never once did I expect my parents to take up any slack on the child rearing front. It was my choice to have children and it was my bed to lie in - care wise and work wise.

The thread isn't about grandparents being around to look after the grandchildren. I would say that you have misunderstood completely and should refrain from your lecturing tone/get off your high horse.

It is about elderly parents who have failed to think things through and plan ahead for their own welfare as they age so they end up isolated and then expect their own children to drop everything and come to pick up the pieces.

Great that your parents have not guilt tripped you regarding their care, but not all are like that and it does happen.

Yep and that’s why those of us in this situation run ourselves ragged and to the bone. Because we love our parents and want to see them. But our middle years are destroyed by being the crushed middle. Crushed on all sides.

You sound like you’re worried about upsetting your parents by having the conversation. It isn’t a crime to upset them. It’s much better to upset them than be a doormat. Prioritise yourself and your own family and deliver some hard truths about what you are or aren’t prepared to do from afar if their health declines further.

It took me ages to convince my DH to downsize four years ago when we were in our mid 60s. The garden was getting too much for both of us, although he was in denial about that. We moved to a market town; walking distance to both DCs and their families, shops, gp surgery and library, so that if we are unable to drive we can still be independent. Best decision ever. No need for anyone to sleepover!
I was a 2hr drive from my parents and 3 hrs from my MiL so have experienced both situations and am having the difficult ‘what if’ conversations my DCs now so they don’t feel guilty in the future.
Leaving the big move until you’re in poor health is very selfish and shortsighted and I see so many women in their 50s/60s in a similar situation to the OP (especially at Christmas)
Please initiate those difficult conversations with your ageing parents if they won’t do it themselves (esp about power of attorney); they have to understand the likely consequences of their head in the sand attitude. And if they still refuse to see sense, well at least you know you tried. X

That’s all very well if your DC are living near each other and settled for some time. Mine are all renting and unlikely to stay put indefinitely. They also all live in different areas of the country. It’s not as easy as some might imagine. We are contemplating moving closer to two of our children, so that we would be two hours from one and an hour and a half from the other. The other would be an 8 hour drive away. That’s the best we can do for now.

These days the cost of living and difficulty in getting a mortgage make things very hard for young people.
that will have a knock on effect on their parents.

Also my parents moved to a flat in the middle of a city when they were in their early fifties. It didnt have enough room for us to stay once we had children so they never saw their grandchildren. I was living at the other end of the country and my sibling was living even further away. So they drove down two or three times a year and stayed with us. They couldn’t bear more than three days with us so didn’t establish relationships with their grandchildren . I am the only one now living near my ageing and frail mother . I have no relationship with her and feel resentful about being burdened with looking out for her practical needs . She did nothing for me. They had lots of great holidays and enjoyed their retirement but my father died in his early seventies and my mother has spent a long time widowed with no real family relationships to speak of.

The huge gardens people yearn for on Escape To The Country may be totally manageable at 60 but too much to cope with at 75.

We see this on our allotment field. There is a huge drop off in membership at 75. But at least with an allotment you can just give it up. If it's your garden you are stuck watching the weeds take over.

As we age it is likely we will struggle with evolving technology. I see this with DM (83). She has a laptop but is finding it increasingly difficult to manage things she was fine with a few years ago.

Your parents don't have to have a place with room for you to stay, just as you don't have to have a place with room for them to stay. People can stay in hotels nearby. If you can't afford it, then either the other side travels or you see less of each other. My parents don't have room for us. It has meant they saw less of us, but that's just how it is.

I'm horrified by those having a go at retirees enjoying their retirement. I mean, going on holidays instead of spending time with their offspring? Having a nice life of their own instead of being there to look after the grandchildren in an emergency?

Are you on the right thread? this isnt about care of grandkids at all- literally noone even mentioned that. Its about older people moving to remote places, not planning for the future and then putting huge pressure on their kids to visit to help them when everything goes wrong despite the fact those "kids" are now grown adults with careers and young kids of their own. This is causing huge pressure and worry for them because it's not practically possible to just drop everything and make a 6 hour return trip when you have young children to look after and no annual leave left.

I am glad people are enjoying their retirement - it's wonderful. However, as you said in your own post: "you are responsible for your own life" so that also applies to older people who move somewhere unsuitable and then try to pressure their kids to look after them doesnt it?