I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

Also, there are actual people living in the countryside! Are people born and brought up in the country to be scoffed at when they get elderly? Are they expected to suddenly move to the city too?

Those people will likely already have a support network in place- family, friends, the church, long time neighbours, a village community to help as everyone knows them. Thats not remotely the same as moving somewhere isolated in your 70s where you dont know a single soul. You cant move in and then just expect your neighbours to help- it takes time to build up those relationships! I've seen many threads on here saying their elderly parents moved somewhere remote and didnt manage to make any friends at all. Building relationships with people takes time and trust. It doesnt happen overnight.

Agree it doesn't make practical sense (great thread title and subject) but I suppose the heart wants what the heart wants!

People are entitled to follow their illogical dreams - whether it's a country move or a challenging career path or marry a successful but challenging partner.

(I've done one of those ;-)).

For my own stubborn and loved oldie, she loves and has always loved green and walks. As she grew up in urban areas.

So for her, the emotional comfort of seeing the view every day probably compensates for the down sides living in a fucking death trap and no-one has time to visit

Similarly, I have had lonely, stressful periods of unhappiness due to my own choices.

Probably doesn't make sense to anyone else, when I "could be" doing life choice X which looks better or safer or easier.

But it's who I am and I'm ok with the trade-off between positive and negative.

No-one is responsible for taking the negative points away from me or problem solving for me beyond the basics and civility - they really should focus on their own wellbeing and that of their children.

Dignity of allowing people to independently fuck up their own lives.

Wasn't there a situation in Ukraine where many older people refused to move even if their apartments were on the front line and their buildings were getting bombed?

I'm not that old, but maybe a bit of a Zen mindset arises where elderly people just get blase about physical wellbeing.

I'm not that old, but maybe a bit of a Zen mindset arises where elderly people just get blase about physical wellbeing

But the OP's mum isnt Zen- thats the entire point, she's pressuring the OP to spend more time with her because she's lonely/isolated. Of course people should follow their dreams but they cant pressure others to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong which is far more likely the older you get

@biscuitsnow

I'd just pull back a bit if I was the OP - don't feel guilty about it (easier said than done). Social pressure is only valid if you take it seriously.

As ultimately, it's the older person's independent choice.

Men often seem to be a lot better at just setting the boundary for what they want to do and not being guilt-tripped into things.

Men often seem to be a lot better at just setting the boundary for what they want to do and not being guilt-tripped into things

So. Damn. True.

But others just accept it when it's a man, whereas as a woman, they seem to think they can wear you down with pressure.

It starts so early, with parents treating their sons and daughters differently.

Absolutely, it’s for the living. But families are networks, when they work well, and if you’ve moved hours away from your family network, when you become old and frail, it is your family who will be making the sacrifices of their hard pressed time. Even though I love my DF, and I want to see him as much as possible, I also love my own family, have a ft job, a house and garden to maintain and a life. I’m the one that’s stretched and not really having a great time of it throughout a considerable portion of my middle-age life so my DF can stubbornly cling to the place he randomly moved to 20 years ago. That he can’t now drive from, clean, garden or maintain. So who’s going to run his life? Actions have effects on others.

Yeah but once they get old, the boundaries magically vanish!

I try to avoid taking on the sexist mental load at work and in life (even if I get shit for it). Generally worth it even if people hate me.

But now I'm finding I'm the age where I'm being romantically targeted by elderly men wanting a "nurse with a purse".

It never ends! :-D

Not once they’re really old and frail. Once they’re having several hospital-stay falls followed by a month of intense care afterwards- per year. Once they can’t reach things, drive from their isolated spot, get shopping, cook much, maintain their house, can't face socialising so spend every day feeling sad in a chair in front of the tv. Which they can’t work half the time. Alone.

Someone has to pick up the slack. That someone does it because they love their parent and couldn’t let it be any other way.

But that someone is also on the verge of collapse and maybe not giving enough to either their job, which their family depends on, or to their kids, who depend on them.

In that multi-faceted tug of war, wouldn’t the picture be one hell of a lot better if that elderly person who requires such a high level of support hadn’t moved three hours from all family and friends? Where all their new friends are also escaping retirees now facing the same issues or have died…

Also be nice if grandkids could actually see their grandparent without having to travel for six hours and stay in a place neither they nor their parents have any connection with. I think it’s a case of, until you’re in it you don’t quite realise the hell of it.

I dread the day we lose df. I do everything I can for him. But I feel like there’s no escape from the constant worry and pressure.

Yep ain’t that the truth!

Right attitude, totally agree with you.

Life is very much for living

Yes, and this also applies to the kids of said parents who are expecting them to run around after them. They deserve their own dreams and "life to live" too!

Your father has serious health problems and your mum feels isolated, probably a bit vulnerable too. It's time for them to move to a manageable home, a bungalow or sheltered accommodation, close to you, and to buy in extra help if they need it. I expect your father just can't stand the thought of sorting out all their stuff and dealing with house sale and purchase, which is why he's resisting. He must also know that the problem will get worse, so if he knows that you will help him with the organisation he will probably see sense. You are a fabulous daughter to have them stay for a week. That's a lot to ask of you. Don't feel guilty that you need your own life.

We laugh at Escape to the country, retirees looking for a detached house half way up a mountain totally isolated.

OK until one of them is injured, hospital is miles away along B roads.

I always had an urge to live in rural Northumberland until sense took over.

In my case, it was me who moved a very long way away. My parents never made me feel guilty, and I shall forever be grateful for this. I did have many years of coping with a high flying job, teenagers who went a bit wild, and travelling long distance to help support my very elderly parents. It was tough- but when are gone, they are gone. And I wouldn't have had it any other way.

They always want to downsize...then end up wanting a 5 bed house with an acre of land.

Exactly what I was thinking. They moved away and had their fancy holidays and cruises, instead of spending the time with you. However, now they aren’t as fit, they expect you to drop everything to spend time with them.

@Mini712 Do not ever feel guilty, think of the saying about making your own bed and lying in it.

Same. What’s worse is that my mum didn’t want to go in the first place, she made it crystal clear to my dad but he pushed it anyway, and he said it would only be for a few years and they’d move back if they both weren’t happy. He went back on that promise and has declared he won’t ever move house again. Mum is miserable which makes my dad a bit miserable too but he won’t budge. They are 6 hours away from the rest of us.

all I can say is try not to think about it too much as it’s out of your control.

Why should a retired couple prioritise spending time with their adult children over living their own life and going on holiday etc? What a strange attitude that parents should be penalised for enjoying their retirement. Plenty of people would be irritated by parents who look to their adult children for company and enjoyment. It’s not healthy.

Yes, it does depend, but I think there can be a huge differernce between making a move like this at 50, vs 65 or even older.

And in remote rural areas, or where people don't speak the language well, there is a lot less chance to really integrate and develop a network.

Even so, friends are not always going to fill the role of family when you are old and frail. There is a differernce between giving emotional support and companionship and helping regularly with banking, or doctors appointments,, keeping track of medications, or even checking up to make sure a hospital or care home is providing good care.

This - they moved.

DH and I were talking about this just today. Why do people retire to remote places/a long way from family/friends? It's very silly.

There's no way I would live anywhere without a railway station and decent amenities.

Me too.

Yes, this is the point. OK, DO move to some out of the way place with no public transport. But don't then whine that you are miles away from the local supermarket and have no friends (not that I am saying the OP's mum is saying this, but a lot of people seem to think their adult children should run around after them).

Would you consider moving your family in with your parents? Dorset sounds like a great place to live & grow up!