I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

I had to manage my dads dementia for about 7 years, it was a whole day job to go there and back. It was utterly exhausting. A close friend has just moved her 88 year old mum to 10minutes away from her ( this after years of managing her fathers various illnesses and finally dementia) . Her mum is a lovely lady but old age makes you very self involved and she expected her to drop everything to drive over (1 hour each way minimum) eg to take her to a dental appointment, take her shopping. My friend’s relief at now having her nearby is huge.

I would never EXPECT DC to visit me, but I would be delighted if they chose to do so. It’s the expectation that your DC will make lots of sacrifices that I think is so unloving in a parent.

@Parky04 why? Why shouldn’t they stay? They are OP’s parents afterall they were on the scene a long time before he was!

@Cantabulous

lol as if visiting your parents is some massive sacrifice

some parents on here really need to raise their standards and expectations of their kids!

I'd set out some expectations.

You will see them for part of school holidays - so that's every half term.

They should- if they can- share the visits, so once every 12 weeks to you and you to them. ( seeing each other every 6 weeks.)

I'd also suggest they stay in a hotel or Airbnb not in your house.

Luckily- if that's the word- my parents loved their own beds and were avid gardeners, especially my Dad, so they never stayed more than 3 nights.

If they want more frequent contact, their moving closer is the solution.

It's not a massive sacrifice. That's just a silly thing to say.

But most parents are working VERY HARD , their children want to see their own friends, and long journeys are tiring. School holidays are the only time a lot of working parents spend time with their children as a family, and they don't always want to be driving up and down the country.

My parents never ever expected us to visit- it was a bonus for them.

They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.

This is far too much. My MIL stays twice a year and whilst I am the perfect daughter in law when she’s here, I am also a bit relieved to not be on hosting duty with DH. My family don’t stay.

Your parents staying 6 x 1week per year is madness!

I think I would definitely decrease the visits to 3 a year. And if they kick up a fuss, say the week long visits are putting a strain on your marriage and family life.

This is absolutely a thing! I live in an outer London suburb with an outstanding bus network, older people can use their freedom passes to get around. There is plenty going on either in nearby market towns or it's not far to get into central London by train. We have a bustling town centre with arts and culture and walkable high streets to get to doctors, post offices, pubs, leisure centres etc and other accessible facilities. You see older people on the buses, walking in the parks, going to the little local theatre etc etc. There is a thriving WI, U3A, Arts Society and Age Concern to provide affordable activities for pensioners.

How's access to healthcare???

Sounds fabulous!

@PeaceandCakes I would say we see them about every 8 weeks. They usually come to us as they coincide a visit with seeing friends that they still keep in touch with. They usually stay for at least four nights but last May they stayed for nearly two weeks. It was a nightmare! We probably go to them three times a year.

They haven’t really made any new friends in Dorset. They live close by to DMs sister and husband and they are the only people they socialise with. That is becoming less frequent as my parents have got older. There is quite a big age gap between the two couples and my aunt has her own DC & DGC to visit.

When they first moved they were never that fussed about seeing us as they were busy doing their own thing.

I do think some people are being quite mean towards those seeking out a different lifestyle on here. A lot of the people criticised on this thread sound like they have enjoyed their new lives - it's just the very late stages that are problematic. But let's face it, that stage isn't necessarily easy no matter where you live and people can feel isolated and lonely in the city just as much as rurally.

Also, there are actual people living in the countryside! Are people born and brought up in the country to be scoffed at when they get elderly? Are they expected to suddenly move to the city too?

Perhaps it's also worth questioning why it is people want the dream of the rural idyll so much if city living is as wonderful as people describe on here. Cities are noisy, polluted and busy, not great for older lungs. Property costs are often very high. People don't always develop close networks or know their neighbours. Look at a lot of the threads on here where people prefer not to know or interact with anyone living around them. A lot of the benefits of the city are expensive for many and to live with a garden and to get the benefits of peacefulness and nature is out of reach for many in the city unless they are very well off.

We all have one life. If people don't pursue their dream when they get the chance, and for many this is when their children are grown and they finally retire, when can they? Are they supposed to live in an area they don't love forever just in case?

The part that's wrong is putting pressure on your grown up children bit. If a grown up child moves to Australia, they cannot get on the phone all the time pressurising for parents to come visit. If someone pursues a new life or moves far away, they do need to sort out their own networks and support system and eventual care, or decide on a plan for that if need be.

This case sounds like the parents themselves don't agree on where they want to live and the lifestyle they want. Perhaps the OP has to stand back completely and let them sort it out. They are grownups and it is their lives. In the meantime she needs to not allow herself to be pressurised for more stays as she obviously sees them loads already and she deserves to not be endlessly travelling and hosting and be able to enjoy her own time off. It isn't fair on her to pressure. I expect this isn't just the rural thing however, but failing health and over-dependence on your partner and no wider network of friends can do this too. People can fall into this rut sometimes when they get older. How can we encourage people and ourselves to keep looking outwards and keep making new connections for ourselves, not just to rely on other generations who might not have the same time or interests, to provide interest, chat, companionship?

Do your parents have the option of moving into assisted living in Dorset? This will allow your dad to keep his hospitals and doctors and your mother be less reliant on you.

@blueshoes I know what answer I would get - “ we aren’t at that stage yet”

While of course 65 isn’t old - people will be retiring mid to late sixties - and it does mean less time in perfect health.

my parents are very and able - mid seventies. But they are starting to need more medical appoints for little things - and increasingly bigger things. They aren’t as able to navigate life’s challenges as they once were and they do need us more. They aren’t really comfortable driving at night and their holidays have become less far flung and active.

being in very easy walking distance of a small supermarket, chemist and hairdresser, having a bus stop at the end of the street and having my brother and I close by is comforting to them. Don’t get me wrong - they went to Australia last year! But they also know they will be 80 soon, eye sight starting to become troublesome etc.

whiel Some people enjoy top top health until they die on the sleep - a lot of people experience declining health in their seventies, eighties and nineties (apart from men who have babies in their sixties with their second wives who are on mumsnet - they are usually fitter, healthier rand better looking than thirty year olds dads at the school gates😂😂😂).

It is old, much as we like to pretend it isn't.

Most people by 75 will be starting to see some significant health issues develop. A little bad luck and it could be 70.

Ideally, people will be in a place where they can be supported before that happens. So at 65, there needs to be some recognition that by 75, at the latest, they should settled with a doctor, and ideally friends and hobbies, in a place they can stay permanently (or until they need nursing type care in a facility.) And where either person could manage alone should the other spouse die.

I understand the desire people have to "fulfill their dreams" after a lifetime of obligations working and raising kids, but that's not an entitlement. It's a bit of a dream sold by tv and estate agents. I don't think it's going to be a realistic expectation for most and so it ends up creating a lot of sadness and bad choices.

People would be much better off in such situations to rent for a few years, or even part of the year.

I am not surprised. I sympathise with the frustration of dealing with parents who have mental capacity but stubbornly refuse to accept the inevitable reality and refuse to plan ahead. My good friend is undergoing the same issue with her parents.

Sometimes, you have to wait for a crisis before you can implement any changes. It sucks but it may help to start investigating assisted living or care homes in Dorset or where you live and the council funding and finances for it.

You don't have to re-arrange your life to jump to their whims but as their children (and that includes your useless brother) you could put arrangements for their care by other people in place.

It is a massive sacrifice if it’s a long journey, they’re expected to stay for ages, do jobs etc. I’m not talking about social visits.

My expectation of my DC is that they see me because they want to, not because they feel they have to.

i don’t see that I have low standards at all and I think you are very rude to suggest otherwise. Perhaps you need to work on your manners.

This is one way that it is often different when kids move away. The parents may have other family close, and also a network of friends and other associations.

When people move to an isolated place as retirees, often they don't meet others, or other retiree transplants are their friends, and are in the same boat needing help.

We moved away from my parents a long time ago, it wouldn't really have been my choice, but DH's career is niche so we have to follow the work (I can pick up work most places). My Mum loves where we live and had really wanted to retire nearby. My Dad point blank refused, he now has dementia (but still enough agency to say no to a move), my Mum is struggling, we are quite a long way away and I can't visit often. She's well able to visit us, but Dad isnt. It's so difficult and stressful.

A house on my DM's street was actually on Escape to the Country!

But hang on, if they're seeing them every school holiday when do they get to have a family holiday?! Bearing in mind the parents will get 4-6 weeks annual leave each year. And the GCs will have activities and friends they want to see too?!

I think it depends on what sort of person you are. What about when parents move to a new area and make a new network like my MIL did? She was in her late 50s when she made the move and had twenty odd happy years before she became increasingly unwell/frail. She had a large network of friends/neighbours she'd made during that time.
I certainly wouldn't have dreamt of advising her not to move because 1 day she would need help.
Had she not died then I suspect we would have organised a move closer to us but I definitely think she got so much out of moving away.
Criticising anyone over 50 that wants to move away rather plan for death like many on this thread is unreasonable IMO.
Life is very much for living.

DH and I were the ones who had to move twice when DH was made redundant as the job market was non-existent in our home town. The first time was 600 miles from our home town and the 2nd 200 miles from our 'new' town. And twice my parents chose to follow us in order to be within a short distance. The first time was to be close to their grandchildren and the second due to Dad's ill health. I thank God they made those decisions as it made life easier for us and safer for them. We were all just lucky that we moved to areas that were either cheaper or the same costs so they could easily afford to follow.

DH and I are now older and although there are a few places here (US) we'd love to live in we content ourselves with long stays with our RV. We'd never move away from here as both our sons live close by. Our worry is that both of them seem to want to move to locations that are, quite frankly, unaffordable to us. We could neither afford to buy a small home nor rent a flat.

It seems that so many children expect their parents to consider them when they choose to move away, but often the children don't consider the parents when they choose to relocate. Obviously some moves are unavoidable and parents should never discourage their children from improving their lot. It's just that the moving away can cut both ways. And unfortunately, there isn't a real solution.

Similar situation here (not direct relatives but always got on well).

Unfortunately (as heartbreaking as it is), I have decided to toughen up a bit and put myself first.

So no more massive journeys to a country village which is idyllic, but takes up all my energy and weekends (and little acknowledgement or understanding of how long it is either).

(was helping out lots FTF a couple of years ago and I could see my own mental and physical health and finances and work progression were getting very vulnerable!).

Of course, elderly people are vulnerable so that biological impulse to protect is there :-(

However, if people (of whatever age) are making decisions which don't help their welfare, then these decisions should be independently respected but not solved for them.

Also, there are actual people living in the countryside! Are people born and brought up in the country to be scoffed at when they get elderly? Are they expected to suddenly move to the city too?

Actually, many people from our village (1 daily bus in and out; no shop. church, school or pub) do leave to nearby towns. Once you can't drive life is very difficult.

I don't know how you're going to do it but I think you need to help them see they should plan now for 'that stage' in the same way you arrange insurance when you go on holiday.
Just a thought, do you live somewhere unpleasant that might be repellent to them, especially as they live somewhere as lovely as Dorset?