My Aunt wants me to take on lasting power of attorney - I don’t want to

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She’s 84, lives alone, has no children. She’s mainly in good health but has some blood pressure issues.
I’ve always got on with her ok, but she lives hundreds of miles away and I see her once every couple of years for a day or two. We go for lunches or the theatre and then say goodbye and communicate sporadically for months at a time.
I’ve got 3 teenage kids and a full time job. I’m looking forward to some me time in a few years when I can retire. I don’t want to end up in a position where I’m having to deal with blown over fences or water bills in a house hundreds of miles away, let alone taking on sorting out the intimate care for a woman I consider fundamentally as pleasant but not close. She’s not really asked me - more told me that there is no other option and presented it as a non discussion matter that she has always assumed I knew I would have do. How much work is involved and an I going to spend a lot of time on motorways? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I want to say no but I don’t know how. I feel sick just thinking about it.

If you don't want to don't do it. I was asked to take it on for a friend, by his son, I refused.

Although I don't have POA. I still have had to do quite a lot for my friend. I really want to walk away. But can't

Hi Toddlerteaplease - I can well imagine that’s difficult for a friend. I am her only family so I feel obliged to do it, but I’ve only known about this plan for a day or two and I can already feel myself resenting her for doing this to me. If she needed me to start driving down there all the time I know I’d start to hate hearing from her.

You don't have to do it. Your aunt could appoint a solicitor or accountant, they would charge for their time (you couldn't, just your expenses) so she needs to be aware of their fees in advance. Say no, you could offer to help her find a professional attorney in her area which might sweeten the refusal. She could equally well appoint a friend, there's nothing to say that it has to be a relation.

The "there is no other option" line is totally not true and just because she's always assumed this would happen does not carry any weight at all. Say the words out loud for a while, your situation with kids and job can be undermined (it will be ages until you need to do anything and by then...) but the problems with the distance won't go away.

"No, I don't want to do this, you will have to choose someone else"

I personally wouldn’t do it unless I was being left a hefty amount or a house in a will 😁 JUST BEING HONEST

Hi Knotaknitter

I’ll look into getting a paid person. I guess I just have no idea what’s involved in reality. If I have to sign something every now and again it would be fine, but if I’m going to end up sorting out emergency plumbers etc I’m really not going to be able to do it. I like her but she’s never been special to me and up until this last week I wouldn’t have had a problem saying ‘no sorry, not convenient ’ if she’d asked me to come and stay for longer than a night or two if she needed help with something - I’m just not that close to her.

The thing is the person won't tell you they are going to leave you anything. They will want you do it because you are willing to help them.

I know people who have been left nothing to a few thousand pounds to their entire estate. With the entire estate there are other adult children/other close relatives who refused to help then it's caused family division.

Are you her only beneficiary after death?

She's trying to gaslight you into being her slave, don't think I'd fancy that much either ☹️

OP refuse.

Be blunt about why.

You are not obliged to do it and the fact you live hundreds of miles away is actually an hindrance to her being cared for properly.

Tell her she needs someone younger than her, preferably a friend who is above 30, who lives close to her e.g. within 5 miles. Then if she can't find anyone then suggest a paid person.

I have a couple of friends (one is now recently deceased) and know others who do/done this. Some of them have had adult children who lived miles away and actually inherited from them.

The person she wants to do this should be able to drop things and come to see her daily /arrange for rota of people to do so if she goes into hospital/a home to check she is being cared for properly. (I've been on the rota and so has one of my SILs plus my DP and another friend of ours are/have actually been elderly friends' POA.) As well as sorting things out like home help/carers, bills and ensuring their property isn't falling down there have been things like ensuring the person isn't discharged from hospital without adequate provision at home and not forced to change GP. These things you cannot easily do if you live hundreds of miles away.

This would be difficult at a distance. What plans does she have for her own care when she needs more support?
She could live to 100 so it’s fair to consider what other support she can rely upon rather than agree because it’s expected of you.
There must be plenty of people without family or POA - I expect they do have a worse outcome. If I loved my Aunt I’d do it for her but there’s no compulsion.
I would put off your decision - if she has no other option then it won’t change the outcome. Setting up the POA online would take some effort and require both your signatures and a witness so you’d need to visit her in any case.

You could also suggest she appoints you jointly with a solicitor or accountant, on the understanding they do the bulk of the work but you’re there as someone who cares for her (in the loving sense, not in the looking after sense) and knows her wishes.

The fences etc could, if money allowed, be catered for by appointing a property management firm. It all depends, really, on how much money she has.

Setting up the POA online would take some effort and require both your signatures and a witness so you’d need to visit her in any case. The on-line application requires you to print out the form for signing (no electronic signatures allowed). So she can post the relevant pages to you to sign.

It’s the property one that can be a lot of work. So she could get a professional to do that. I think professional are less keen to do the health one. I’ve certainly found the health one less onerous. That one can come into effect only when the person has lost capacity.

If it was me I would say to the family member that I would leave them my house/assets if they could help me out. I think it’s kinda selfish to expect them to do it without any benefits if you aren’t close family.

Tbh I would do it because if you are responsible for her anyways making decisions without it will be a pain in the arse . I speak from experience as we are childless aunts next of kin and she didn't set anythyng up and it's a nightmare sorting out her affairs while she can't .

You aren't responsible for fences . More big decisions if and when she can't

There is no way of predicting how much time/ effort/ stress would be involved if you agree to taking on the role

Best case scenario if that your aunt maintains full mental capacity for the remainder of her life and dies of natural causes without any requirement for social care in which case you would be required to do absolutely nothing

Worst case scenario is that she develops dementia or has a debilitating stroke and you end up having to arrange care, finances, clearance & sale of property etc etc which would be very time consuming

If you are her only relative then you will be classed as next of kin anyway so if anything happens to her then you are the person getting a phone call so in some ways it may be better to have formal power of attorney as it may make arrangements more straightforward if anything does happen to her

You can of course completely refuse to get involved but would you honestly be able to do this with a clear conscience? (especially if you are likely to be the main beneficiary in her will)

I’m happy to do the health one - I would want her looked after and her wishes understood.
Admin is not my thing - I find my own onerous and soul destroying - I’ve been meaning to sort out my extortionate BT phone bill for months but can’t face it. Doing it for someone else would make me want to shriek.

Various relatives (not close) of mine have used solicitors.

It's a common problem.

It can be a lot of work and it's certainly a lot if paperwork.

Tbh I would do it because if you are responsible for her anyways making decisions without it will be a pain in the arse
But the op is not responsible for her aunt, the fact that she is her next of kin does not mean she has a duty of care towards her.
The aunt clearly believes that they have an unspoken agreement but it's not an agreement if the other person doesn't know about the agreement!

But you'd only have to do this if she lost mental capacity to do it herself. It's certainly not a given that this will happen.

This.

I guess I should have seen this coming - genuinely I assumed she had something in place though. I’ve been very naive. I guess I need to fully understand what she’s asking of me.

Be very careful. My relative has live in 24 hour carers and there arr still many hours a week of work to do. Tell her to pay accountant or lawyer as you want your time with her to be enjoyable for you both.

Could you tell her you'd do the health lasting power of attorney to be sure she got the best possible care but she should appoint a solicitor to do any finance related things. Find a property maintenance company in her area and give her their number. Explain you are too far away to be useful if she has problems like plumbing with her house so a property management company would be better for her.