My Aunt wants me to take on lasting power of attorney - I don’t want to

[WeekinWeekOut]

She’s 84, lives alone, has no children. She’s mainly in good health but has some blood pressure issues.
I’ve always got on with her ok, but she lives hundreds of miles away and I see her once every couple of years for a day or two. We go for lunches or the theatre and then say goodbye and communicate sporadically for months at a time.
I’ve got 3 teenage kids and a full time job. I’m looking forward to some me time in a few years when I can retire. I don’t want to end up in a position where I’m having to deal with blown over fences or water bills in a house hundreds of miles away, let alone taking on sorting out the intimate care for a woman I consider fundamentally as pleasant but not close. She’s not really asked me - more told me that there is no other option and presented it as a non discussion matter that she has always assumed I knew I would have do. How much work is involved and an I going to spend a lot of time on motorways? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I want to say no but I don’t know how. I feel sick just thinking about it.

I was given power of attorney by one of my parents for health about 20 years ago there was no discussion it was just done without my prior knowledge and presented to me as job done. At the time I had no idea that it was normal to be asked if you wanted to do this!
I have no idea what's going to happen if it kicks in 🤷🏼‍♀️ I live a few hours away, on a low income, do not drive, strongly dislike travelling do not go on holidays etc

Maybe really have a a think about what she must be feeling? I'm only 51 and since I was 47 I've had no next of kin. Nobody. No parents, no kids, no spouse, no siblings, no aunts, no uncles, no grandparents. It's a fucking lonely and scary place to be, and is no fault of my own.

I'm fit and healthy and could live a long time. Or I could get knocked off my bike on the ride to work tomorrow. I've had to ask my best mate (who lives 40 miles away) to be my POA for admin and for health. Or rather she offered, after my sibling's funeral.

We aren't asking you to do everything for us. We're really just asking you to advocate for us. Because the scariest thing is worrying that we'll not be of sound mind and people will take advantage. I'm not asking my best mate to wipe my bum six times a day if I can't, I'm just asking her to help just to find someone honest who will do it for a wage.

What my best mate doesn't know is that her three kids would be left half my estate, which, if I died tomorrow would be around £85,000 each. The "what's in it for me" responses on this thread are pretty disgusting.

Good on her for thinking ahead. So many people don't.

Of course you don't have to do it OP, but you can use it as a chance to chat to her about what she wants to happen to her in her final years. Be realistic. She will likely need more support over the years - a cleaner, shopping deliveries, house repairs etc.

We are in a similar position, keeping an eye on an aunt and she now has agreed to move into sheltered housung. We are visiting places for her and will facilitate the move, so that we can pop in and see her more often. We made it clear that we couldn't do this if she continued to live in her own home region, and gave her the choice. We didn't pretend that it would be easy for her, but made it clear that living alone for the next 10 years wouldn't be either!

Sheltered housing!

Good on her for thinking ahead. So many people don't
Waiting until you are 84 and then railroading someone into it, does that count as thinking ahead?

Yes, compared with not doing it and declining into dementia.

You may find, nothing. The current LPA requires the attorneys to sign the application form, so you would most definitely know about it. In other words, you may be finding they're assuming rather than have done anything. Or they may have made you executor of their will (which doesn't need your signature) and assumed the rest follows.

But if it's 20 years ago, it may be the previous EPA. I can't remember whether the attorneys had to sign. Assuming they didn't, and you have been named attorney on the EPA, unlike the LPA the EPA isn't registered until the donor has lost capacity. So it will (eventually) allow you to sell their house to pay care home fees, but until they've lost capacity, and you have sent the form off to be registered and got it back again, you won't have to do anything.

The old EPA is for property only, not for health.

You turn it down and appoint a local solicitor. They do the admin and take any fees out of the person's finances.

It is what I once had to do after my DM died, and she had POA for my uncle at the time. Everybody, including ss and his care home simply assumed I would take over. I said point blank no, and found a solicitor up the road from his care home to do it. Caused no end of problems for them, but not my circus, not my monkeys. I never much liked my uncle anyway, and he lived miles away.

You have to sign it though. You could have not signed it.

But it doesn’t mean that you have to arrange or do any of their care, or house maintenance if you have the financial LPA. It’s about making decisions when they are no longer able to. So DNR, choice of treatment etc. I admit I was very active in sorting my late mother’s care, but a lot of that was on the telephone, and it was something I would have done anyway, just facilitated by the LPA.

I have POA for my parents and I imagine it would be very hard if you don't live close by. What if she can't get out and needs things buying, trips to the bank or cash? What if she needs help at the GP, or advocating for in hospital? You can't make decisions like that over the phone, you need to be there to see her and speak to doctors and nurses in person. What if her health deteriorates and she needs carers in, or ends up in a residential home? You'll be the one liaising with care companies, the council, social workers etc. It's actually a lot of hard work, it's not just a case of the odd phone call or making a bank transaction online.

She could pay the local council to take on the power of attorney role for her.

As I said, you don't have to accept/sign the p.o.a. No-one can railroad you into doing this. You have a choice. But you also have an opportunity to now talk to your relative and explain what you can or can't do.

She may not be happy with you, but better now than when she's really ill. She can now think ahead and perhaps plan to move into sheltered accommodation - where someone else looks after the building repairs and management, or employ a cleaner and an odd job person she trusts who can do basic maintenance - including eg changing lightbulbs which isn't easy if your balance goes.

You cannot force her to plan ahead sensibly, but you put her right. She obviously had a vague hope that you would magically sort everything out woth poa. You can now help her to think about some of the challenges she is going to face and explain that you won't be able to sort them out from a distance. She may well be able to continue to live independently for another five or six years. Some people are lucky. But not everyone.

For god sake say no
I agreed to, POA
All was fine untill she fell
Consultants assuming I am responsible for her
I had to clear out her house and sell it.... imagine if someone just walked out out leaving food in the fridge, washing in the machine..
I had to clear it ,sell it , organise a care home
Take all manner of things she needed in to hospital
Move her to care home ,furnish care home room ,buy clothes from scratch as nothing fitted her at home
Cancel gas electric water sky ,on her home , nightmare getting companys to deal with me .. Santander oh my god.santander made everything twice as hard for me ,they were her bank account.
The solicitor was stroppy , the estate agents pushy
The care home not to her liking and in the first year I had to move her TWICE.
Care staff ringing at all hours of the day and at night ,
Thank god I have no other relatives older than me , because on top of 4 kids and full life ,this POA nearly did me in ...
I didn't realise I was then responsible for every single decision for her ..she needs the dentist..I have to book it ,sort it .take her ..she needs glasses ,same again..she needs clothes , toiletries,all my responsibility.
never ever again

Gosh that sounds awful. Who would have done this though if you hadn't? People usually give POA to those they feel closest to and trust the most. Even if the person you're talking about hadn't given you POA, would all these tasks/decisions have fallen to you anyway? If so, without POA, things could have been even harder.

Similarly, in the OP's scenario, if she doesn't accept POA, will OP not still be the person to contact should her aunt's health/mental capacity fail?

If it's a parent or an older sibling POA should just make the things you would have to do anyway more straightforward. I agree I'd think twice about agreeing to it for someone who wasn't an immediate family member - unless there was really nobody else and I'd end up having to do everything anyway.

My DM agreed to do it for an old school friend who had never married or had DC and who (it quickly turned out) was in the early stages of dementia. My DM was run ragged for a couple of years sorting out care for this woman in her home and then getting her into a suitable nursing home and then sorting out her estate after she died. And my DM was left nothing in her will! It was all left to some half-cousin's DC who live miles away and never saw her and never did a thing for her. Perhaps you will inherit your aunt's estate if you're her only living relative and perhaps if you say 'No' she'll leave the lot to charity? But if you don't want to do it, don't. It might involve very little work on your part, but then again ... (see above).

I have LPA for my mum and it doesn't amount to much. I just pay bills from her online bank account at this point.
It depends how complex her affairs are of course. But yes, you can look into something else being paid to do it.

I have no idea why you think intimate care is involved? Where do you get that from?

Thats funny. Also same for me!

We have it for parents. Lots of work mainly admin of the intractable type that takes hours up going in circles, but don’t mins this as we have good relationships and they need us.

one friend is poa two aunts and had to clear and sell ine’s house when she died necessitating a huge amount of work. The other has live in carers and severe dementia. There are numerous phone calls interrupting daily life with constant difficulties to resolve.

Another friend ended up clearing a huge house belong to three people after the last one died with a lifetime’s possessions for them. It took over a year and constant journeys. She did not get a share in the house. It was just a duty to be done with no reward.

Having seen the tremendous cost in time, effort, mental health etc to people I would never agree to this from a distance and would only do it for someone I massively loved.

I think the advice to help her be in touch with more local help is good. She has had a lifetime to make meaningful relationships so hopefully has nearby solicitors and friends.

I’ve done it. Not that onerous.

if they do have capacity there’s not much to do.
if they don’t have capacity then presumably in this case it will be a matter of choosing a care home and ensuring bills are paid.

i am not sure but if you accept responsibility and it does get to much you can appoint a solicitor to help.

worst of it in my case were family members who objected to my appointment as they thought it should stay in the family. Donor had deliberately not appointed any of them as they had been taking her money during Covid under the guise of “helping”. Took bank cards to “get some shopping” and you can guess the rest.

This is a nightmare for me personally, other side, becoming too ill to look after myself, thought about this several months ago.
Friends, family have distanced themselves. Not sure what to do. Becoming too ill to physically get anywhere

You have a very full life and your own family to care for. It's ok to say no. Maybe it would be a good idea to have a discussion about this now, while she is in good mental health. Let her know you won't be available for this so that she can start looking for alternative people(s) to cover her care.

You clearly haven't reached the stage where it does amount to a lot and your mum is quite different to a distant aunt

Don't let the guilt cause you to cave. This is a huge responsibility and you don't live anywhere near her. I was my sister's authorized representative for over a decade. We lived in states very far apart. I had to take off work many, many times to fly to her to take her to doc appts and work through her care as she went father and farther down the Alzheimer's hole. Simply refuse and stick to that.

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney#:~:text=A%20lasting%20power%20of%20attorney%20(%20LPA%20)%20is%20a%20legal%20document,make%20decisions%20on%20your%20behalf.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/looking-after-people/managing-affairs-for-someone-else/#:~:text=If%20you%20want%20someone%20to%20look%20after%20your%20affairs%20for,your%20property%20and%20financial%20affairs

Reading these nor sure I'd want the property one - however think DH just signed when his parents put paper in front and presented it as a done deal and realistically despite fact we are hundreds of miles away he's their only child so we'd have step up anyway.

However I do worry some of his relatives - uncle with no children and uncle who kids are estranged may have expectations of us and frankly they will be disappointed.

You asked what is involved, but it's a case of 'how long is a piece of string'. You could never be required to do anything as she may die having needed no help. Or you could need to help sort out a few things, or you could be knee deep in sorting out finances and care.

I became POA for my mother about 15 years ago when she was in good health. Ten years ago she developed dementia so I've had a decade of effectively running her life, dealing with regular calls about bills she'd forgotten to pay or appointments she'd forgotten to go to, liaising with medical staff, arranging tradesmen, then as she deteriorated I arranged daily carers and regularly liaised with them, made decisions about all her (complicated) finances, then arranged her move to a care home, cleared her flat... you get the picture. So that is what you could have to deal with.

I did most of this 'at a distance' as I lived a few hours away which made it more difficult. She now lives in a care home near me.