My Aunt wants me to take on lasting power of attorney - I don’t want to

[WeekinWeekOut]

She’s 84, lives alone, has no children. She’s mainly in good health but has some blood pressure issues.
I’ve always got on with her ok, but she lives hundreds of miles away and I see her once every couple of years for a day or two. We go for lunches or the theatre and then say goodbye and communicate sporadically for months at a time.
I’ve got 3 teenage kids and a full time job. I’m looking forward to some me time in a few years when I can retire. I don’t want to end up in a position where I’m having to deal with blown over fences or water bills in a house hundreds of miles away, let alone taking on sorting out the intimate care for a woman I consider fundamentally as pleasant but not close. She’s not really asked me - more told me that there is no other option and presented it as a non discussion matter that she has always assumed I knew I would have do. How much work is involved and an I going to spend a lot of time on motorways? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I want to say no but I don’t know how. I feel sick just thinking about it.

Another friend ended up clearing a huge house belong to three people after the last one died with a lifetime’s possessions for them. It took over a year and constant journeys. She did not get a share in the house. It was just a duty to be done with no reward.

This confused me because I though that was executor of will role - and below seems to agree with me.

Power of attorney is during life executor of will is role for after

https://lifetimelawyers.org.uk/Public/Public/Resources/Blog-Posts/Blurred-linesThe-difference-between-an-executor-and-attorney.aspx#:~:text=It%20is%20the%20executor's%20duty,t%20act%20during%20your%20lifetime.

I'm pretty sure I'm still my parents will executor - asked when I was 19 - as they didn't trust older sibling and younger was under age so unless they've made a will since and not mentioned it -I could find despite being furthest way child I may still have clear the house responsibility.

thank you very much for your elucidations! All I can remember is that it was LPA for health only, I cant remember if I signed anything or not, I might raise the subject & see what they say.

thank you for replying, if there are things that can be done over the phone I should be ok!

It’s just kind to do it. You may never have to do anything. If she has no one else then why not do it.

that is taking the pi$$, expecting you to have poa for an uncle!

If it was for Health, it must have been LPA. And that couldn't have been set in place without you signing. It's about putting their wishes when they are no longer able to. So saying "they wouldn't have wished for this life prolonging treatment which won't improve the quality of life" or conversely "they absolutely would want antibiotics for this chest infection". Or "she would much prefer this care home, even though the lounge isn't so nice, because having her own bathroom is more important to her than sitting with others in a nice lounge" It's making sure, when a decision is being made "in their best interests" that their voice is heard. The final responsibility for medical decisions is with the medics, but she/he should be heard, and they think you are the best person to speak up for them.

You have no way of knowing what it will entail until it happens. DH and I both have POA for Health & Finances for our parents, his is joint with a sibling, mine is just me. For my husband and his siblings it has been full on. Care homes, doctors, banks, solicitors, it’s relentless and sibling has given up their job in order to make it work. For me, it’s not been much of an issue. The occasional letter I have to deal with, the occasional call from health professionals; I know however, that if and when my parents no longer have mental capacity it will be hard. It’s not something we could do if our hearts weren’t in it. That’s what you need to decide; are you happy to fight their corner and when they need it?

Another friend ended up clearing a huge house belong to three people after the last one died with a lifetime’s possessions for them. It took over a year and constant journeys. She did not get a share in the house. It was just a duty to be done with no reward
why would anyone be such a mug? I would just resign from the role

Honestly, this is a massive ask and I think that your aunt is being extremely cheeky to expect (!) you to do this - you don't have a close relationship, you live a long way away, you have a lot on your plate already, you have trouble staying on top of your own admin, and your aunt just thinks you have to do it because she hasn't made other plans and you don't get a choice?!

You have ABSOLUTELY got a choice. Saying no is very much an option, and I think possibly the only viable option in the circumstances. How can you possibly oversee her affairs and deal with all her future problems adequately? Your aunt needs to find a third party (probably paid) to take this on. She has options, the same options that are used by those elderly people who don't have handy niece-slaves.

She can appoint a local solicitor as PofA for the finances and you take on the health and welfare one. Explain to her that she needs someone local for the finances as needs arise, as you are too far away.

You may not have to do anything of course as long as she remains cognitively sound. That is what PofA is for - not for getting someone to manage your day-to-day bills while you are fit and well.

Another point for your information: when I became financial POA for my mother, on the form there is also a “REPLACEMENT” POA if I remember correctly. This is not the same as a “joint” attorney - I am still SOLE attorney. However, in my mother’s case, her replacement attorney in the document is her accountant. So, if anything happens to me, there is someone else who can step in straight away. Also you can of course stand down from this position at any time.

I think other people have given lots of good advice, so I don’t want to add any more. But the above information may be helpful to you, or somebody else.

You don't have to drive anywhere or deal with plumbers! I have one for an elderly relative and I haven't physically set eyes on her since before the pandemic! She lives at quite a distance and I have a full time job and a young child.

BUT she did take practical steps to make it easier - sold her house, got it cleared, chose to move into residential care. The home deals with medical appointments, prescriptions etc. You can join appointments via Zoom or talk to medical staff. And you can arrange for the post to be sent to you for dealing with.

She’s not really asked me - more told me that there is no other option and presented it as a non discussion matter that she has always assumed I knew I would have do.

There is your answer. Just ... don't.

What?? That is far from what power of attorney is about...

Weekin week out....power of attorney can take up to three months to be processed. I would politely refuse and let someone else do the hard work x

I am reading this thread with dread and empathy. I have health and finance POAs for my aunt who lives hundreds of miles away. She's in her 70s so still relatively young but in poor physical health. I am absolutely dreading how I will manage the logistics if/when I have to use the POA. I agreed to do it without really thinking what it might involve, and I wish I hadn't.

Most of that is Property and Finance. And that is more onerous. though you have access to her money and can hire people to carry out the work if it benefits her - eg clearing the house so it can be sold for her care.

Health and Welfare is about decisions. I have Health and Welfare and have never had to organise my father going to the dentist, getting new glasses etc. I have had tonight to contribute to a "best interests" decision not to take him into hospital.

5 months. 20 weeks is their current forecast

Also you can of course stand down from this position at any time. It takes a bit more trouble than just saying "I've changed my mind, I'm no longer willing to do it." You have to fill in a form downloadable from here

I read elsewhere that it's more difficult if the donor has already lost capacity and it has to go through the court, but I can't find that link now. OPG has a very good helpline and could advise.

My exDH did it for a friend. She was rather wealthy, but he always knew he wasn't going to inherit anything, he just did it because she was a friend. It involved quite a lot of work, clearing out her house etc., which he was happy enough to do.

Having read through the comments, I would personally only be prepared to do this for immediate family or my best friend. I had no idea how much work might be involved.

Can she move closer to you?

A question for those saying that the aunt can appoint a local solicitor to take on POA… if this happens does the solicitor end up doing all these random caring duties that relatives seem to do and which are mentioned here - making dentist / dr appointments, arranging for house repairs, visiting and choosing care homes, sorting out new clothes, clearing houses, applying for allowances, hiring carers and cleaners, shopping out getting delivered etc? I can’t imagine they do 🤷‍♀️

i guess they could out source some things (like house clearance) but only in the person has money to pay for these services.

So what is the bare minimum requirement of a POA - because I’m assuming that is what a solicitor will do?

If it’s true that a solicitor can take this role on and fulfill the requirements, then are all the posters here, who are doing all these caring duties ‘because they have POA’ interpreting their obligations incorrectly?🤷‍♀️

Because there’s only so many hours in a day. @WeekinWeekOut has a family, a full time job AND lives a distance away. There’s only so much one person can manage.

Health can change on a dime with the elderly. Not everyone has the ability to drop and run, or to handle all the things that are required on top of their own responsibilities.

@WeekinWeekOut, don’t let guilt or obligation be the guide here. You need to have a talk with your aunt about what her expectations are, and make a fully informed decision. If you can’t do it, you can’t. Better for aunt to find a solicitor or other party who can handle it now, then having you crumble under the weight of everything later.

I think you should agree. There is no one else. As POA you can still ask other professional advice and source outside assistance and services etc .It is just that she has you as someone to answer to, a back up, should she lose her mind.

Once you are acting as POA, though you might never have to, you can always resign if you find it too much but I know for a fact that government agencies that act as POAs charge like wounded bulls. They don't have as much empathy for a person they don't know. My SIL who has had a stroke is being ripped off, though quite legally they can charge the max.