I am distraught with what's happening with my mother and what I am seeing

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My mother who is now in her early 70s started divorce 6 years ago. I never knew it was going to be so long and drawn out and it was stressful because there was stuff and the family home to sort out. Not knowing if she will be homeless or me because I live with her.

So she got a date for a hearing last summer for next week. There was still some stuff to do and paper to update. I was asking her since September to phone her solicitor but she kept making excuses. Eventually it looked to me as if it's phone anxiety maybe. She refusing to contact him.

Now, she is revolting against the hearing date that's for next week and refusing to phone her solicitor. She won't cancel or stop the divorce but she says she still wants it but she doesn't want to go to court. She seems to think that she can cancel her court date or just not turn up at all.

I know my father likely won't turn up so I am anxious that the case will be thrown out of court. She's not understanding the consequences she says that it will probably be deferred of she doesn't show up and she can do in a few months at the next hearing. But she doesn't know that. She is refusing to talk to her solicitor. She is refusing to phone him. She is refusing to answer his calls.

I mean like what the hell. Why come this far and throw it out like this?
She has made a fool out of me and also my siblings. She has come to us so many times to get us to help her.

She is making silly excuses and I am not able to talk sense into the old silly woman.

Op your words like “disgusting” and “silly” about your mother’s behaviour are unkind.

If she was brought up in Ireland in the fifties she may be suffering from significant shame about being divorced.

It also sounds like she suffered abuse from her husband if she was afraid of his anger. That is bound to have left its mark. Maybe she is still afraid of him in some way?

She hasn’t had a happy life by the sound of it and may be suffering from some sort of anxiety or dementia.

You are understandably frustrated but kindness and understanding is the way to go here. You can’t solve an emotional problem with logic or rational arguments.

I think your mother is wrong incidentally about leaving her home to your brother. It should be divided equally between all four of you. But that’s a moot point if it all goes to pay off debts.

What is your financial position op? Are you able to afford a flat or home of your own? If you are I would start making arrangements to move in to new accommodation.

Does she actually need to go or can a barrister attend on her behalf?

I don't know. She's not commicating with her solicitor and her solicitor never organised a barrister either.

The letter with the date doesn't say anything about her hearing and if she needs to attend and she's not phoning her solicitor and asking him. She's just ignoring it and hopes to not attend in the hope that it will be adjourned to the next round. But I would be anxious that it might not be adjourned and it might be thrown out. Even if it's adjourned to the next sitting, there will likely be more excuses then anyways.

Several people have asked why you still live with your mother who is in her early 70s. You’ve not answered.

The way you speak about her is not kind, and you say she doesn’t favour you either. So move out. Sort your own housing. Let her decide if she wants to proceed with the divorce or not. Seems your dad isn’t fussed, and she isn’t fussed, so just leave it.

If she will only listen to her sons you are wasting your time. It looks like it isn’t going to affect her life in the short term so she doesn’t care.
maybe she doesn’t want to be a divorced woman?
but you should move on with your life -it’s a bit old fashioned the idea the DD stays at home looking after the parents you need to get away.

OP, to further add. Being a carer for someone you totally love and respect is hard, bloody hard. In a fractious and resentful relationship, of any kind, it's actually nigh impossible and unsafe for both parties. You can't control what your mother does, only what you do.

Are you your mother's carer, OP?

There is no shame about divorce and he k she even voted for it in the referendum when it happened. There is nothing to be ashamed about in the divorce.

I have plenty of comprehension and understand why she remained separated for so long because she was afraid.

I also understand that she's a woman who needs a break at this point.

I am appalling at seeing what's informing in front me. She started the divorce proceedings so that she can gain some security in the family home. It makes no sense to go through a process that went in for 6 years and it made us all stressed, not only her but all of us just to throw her hands up in the air now and ignore it all so close to the hearing.

She's potenially going to unwind the work that was done with a housing agreement and making herself homeless in her old age.

She is refusing to engage with her solicitor and ask him questions and she is revolting against it because she doesn't like her solicitor.

Op - apologies if this is incorrect- but is it the case that you have lived with your mother rent free or for a very reduced rent and now can’t afford housing of your own? Is this why you are so anxious and involved in this situation? Do you work?

If you are finding yourself in difficult circumstances then you could go and get some advice from Citizens Advice or Shelter or try and get a new job or focus on extra work in the evenings?

If it’s not too late and you can become financially independent, then you can become more removed from this situation and just try and support your mother emotionally?

Or could you register to become her carer if she needs help?

Accommodation is limited where I am. It's so far and few between. Anything that is available there's viewing queen's miles long and high bids. That's even for renting. I can't afford the high rents. Then with hisuig shares there is no housing sceurity. Maybe getting a few short years in a share before moving along when a landlord wants the place back.

I was renting before and I loved it and I would do it again. I need an affordable renting option or job that will pay be thousands every month.

I know at home it's not great any more with the mess that is happening but it's aroof over my head right now.

I do work.

Ok, I will make an appointment with citizens advice and see what I can do.

Good luck to you and your mother op. It all sounds enormously stressful.

You need to get power of attorney including medical ASAP because if she does get diagnosed with dementia it will be too late . Speak to your siblings and get it done ASAP . You don’t have to use it yet . Can you take her Ito the solicitor or call them and sit next to her ?

She won't engage, she doesn't like the solicitor but it's legal aid so the options are more limited to change. Neither of them seem too bothered about getting divorced, makings wills or getting poa in place. The only person getting too stress seems to be you, you've lived in the house 6 years, no one is pushing you to leave, if she has capacity then there's nothing you can do, it's not and never will be your house so you need to think about securing your own future, I wouldn't have thought any of her sons will get this involved, if they did they would fly back home. What outcome do you want, have you looked at affordable housing options for yourself.

OP you have my sympathy, I feel your frustration and I don’t think it means you are unkind to your mother, just venting.

Had something a tiny bit similar with my grandmother moving close to my mother. She was all for it, then oddly uninterested when under way, then when the day came - meltdown, she wasn’t ready etc. However, I had been the one to make all the arrangements, booked the removal firm, booked time off work to pack every stick and cup single handed, and I bloody well wasn’t backing down. She was fine once it happened. But - she DID have early dementia as it turned out.

I understand the solicitor won’t discuss the case with you, but if you notify them that you are concerned about her mental health, and ask in general what happens if an applicant does not attend the court, could they give you a general answer?

And I think you should let your family know what is going on. It’s clear you’re trying to help and you shouldn’t end up with any blame from them if it does go tits up.

She was fine once it happened. But - she DID have early dementia as it turned out

This is an important point ^^

Many people with dementia appear totally normal to the outsider. They are not all wandering around in a state of confusion by any means.

Op a way through this may be to take your mother to the gp if you can and get some sort of assessment done. Even if she turns out not to have dementia, depression can cause cognitive changes.

I have no idea what I am dealing with but this is unreal. A brother rang home to get her to move on the divorce and to stop ignoring it. She listened to him and she was all for it. Within half an hour she was back to dishing out excuses and giving me a fucking tongue lashing and claiming that this will never be done for the date. She told my brother that she will phone the solicitor tomorrow but then went back on it and said that she will write tomorrow. She is going to request the papers that he was supposed to send but that's only going to delay things some more. She can phone or allow me to email him and they will be in the mail tomorrow and this could be half was done by the end of this week but all she's doing is making excuses. I even gave her the work I did with a sample AOMs with all sections filled so when she gets it from her solicitor, it should be a copy and paste job.
She's finding problems where they don't exist and she's refusing to engage with her solicitor. Not only this she seems to think she can control the hearing next week and request for a hearing for a date and time that is suitable for her. She even asked me to get the family court sitting dates from online but I made excuses on that and asked her to ask her solicitor and that he will know them better.

She's so awkward. She was revolting against this to me for the past few days and the minute a brother phones home to get her to get this done, she's all for it for about half an hour and then she goes back to being an oddball.

It does sound as if she’s putting it off because she simply can’t deal with it or fully comprehend it, whether that is down to diminished mental capacity due to dementia or depression, or something else. I’m sorry but if this is the case this means you can’t expect that she’s going to snap out of it and start working on it. That isn’t going to happen. You and your family may have to accept this and plan for your collective and individual interests accordingly.

She isn’t choosing to be cognitively impaired. Try and remember that. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply.

She must be finding it all very overwhelming and it's not the first time she's pit me into a deep shit of a situation either. She's not able to plan or organise.

I wish I took action months ago with her GP but I didn't. I was hoping on the letting the legal situation conclude.

Now I don't know what to.

I do have a list of observations that I am ready to go to her GP about. I don't know if I should go this week or let the hearing date pass and then go. I would be afraid that if I go this week there will be too much happening at the same time like this legal thing hanging around and then her GP phoning her for a check up.

I think I am going to have to go to her GP and act on my suspicions with my suspicions.
After my brothers call tonight I presented her with as much as I could do for her AOM with a sample one filled out. I showed it to her and the look on her face. She did ask questions about it but her look her face gave me blank and bitter stone type of look with her lips stewing. It's hard to describe.

It's not fair putting her through this. I and my siblings are not making her by the way. She wanted the divorce and she says she still wants it but she's not making any effort to finish it.

I think I will let the hearing date pass and see what happens and go to her doctor.

I am heartbroken with what's happening and with what's unfolding. It's clear she doesn't have the appetite or the appitude for it. I can't believe it's turning out to be this way. She can manage well with her every day tasks but it's clear this legal thing is like a foreign language for her because it's not in her everyday world.

What do you think I should do? Should I go to GP this week or wait til the hearing date passes and then go regardless of the outcome of the hearing.

You can ring the gp and tell them you are worried about her and that she has this Hearing, they might ask to see her to assess her understanding and mental state. They may not tell you too much as she is the patient., if she is definitely not going to the Hearing I would let the solicitor know and just leave it at that, discussing it all the time is just stressing you both out.

I would ring the gp now. There may be a delay in getting an appointment. And if your mother gets in some sort of difficulty for not attending the hearing you can prove that you booked her an appointment for “health concerns” or “concerns about diminished capacity” maybe? I’ve no idea if that will help or not but it can’t harm I suppose?

Email her solicitor and say far apparent MH issues she is not engaging and may not turn up for the hearing (although you will try to persuade her).

write to her GP now so there is a medical record of relative’s concern to back up your statement that it is MH/dementia preventing her engaging.

Get a brother to ring her half an hour before she needs to set out for the court

If you feel really enthusiastic, turn up to the court hearing to explain her unwellness and unwillingness to engage. Better than her simply failing to turn up without a word of explanation.

Then you will have done all you can do. Turn your attention and energy on sorting out your own affairs.

let the brother who is going to inherit sort out the will.

There is no point in her attending the Hearing if you have doubts about her competence and understanding, no decent solicitor or Judge would want that. Like others say, speak with her gp and solicitor, let them decide if she is competent to go to a Hearing, don't keep pushing it with her. If its decided she does not have capacity to make a decision around the divorce or making a will or doesn't understand what's the process and consequences then it's probably too late unless someone applies for deputyship, even then you are limited to what you can do.