I am distraught with what's happening with my mother and what I am seeing

[blackpup]

My mother who is now in her early 70s started divorce 6 years ago. I never knew it was going to be so long and drawn out and it was stressful because there was stuff and the family home to sort out. Not knowing if she will be homeless or me because I live with her.

So she got a date for a hearing last summer for next week. There was still some stuff to do and paper to update. I was asking her since September to phone her solicitor but she kept making excuses. Eventually it looked to me as if it's phone anxiety maybe. She refusing to contact him.

Now, she is revolting against the hearing date that's for next week and refusing to phone her solicitor. She won't cancel or stop the divorce but she says she still wants it but she doesn't want to go to court. She seems to think that she can cancel her court date or just not turn up at all.

I know my father likely won't turn up so I am anxious that the case will be thrown out of court. She's not understanding the consequences she says that it will probably be deferred of she doesn't show up and she can do in a few months at the next hearing. But she doesn't know that. She is refusing to talk to her solicitor. She is refusing to phone him. She is refusing to answer his calls.

I mean like what the hell. Why come this far and throw it out like this?
She has made a fool out of me and also my siblings. She has come to us so many times to get us to help her.

She is making silly excuses and I am not able to talk sense into the old silly woman.

The only thing unreasonable here is you calling your mother an old silly woman. How disgusting.

I agree. Horrible to talk about your mother like that.

Maybe she's been married so long it's nerve-wracking at her age to start a new chapter of her life.

So her home - and therefore your home - is affected by the divorce?

I know it’s your mum but it’s not your business
you have to let your parents sort it out themselves unless they come to you for specific help.
How is your father doing? Is he the same? Do you speak to him or about him in the same way??
many other siblings in the picture? Can they help? Etc etc lots of questions about this post

Maybe your mother is not sure she wants the divorce after all, or maybe she is worried about the practical consequences, such as having to move. You cannot force her to engage with the process, but you can decide to start looking for your own accommodation.

How has she made a fool out of you, how does this affect your living arrangements.

What is the court hearing for? Division of assets?

Because she came to me many times to help her with her own legal papers as if I have legal knowledge myself. I remember sitting down with her doing the Affidadit of means and chasing up other statements from her.

Now she's just writing it all off and wants to ignore the divorce.

Her solicitor never told her what the hearing is for. I presume it's for the divorce.

There was an agreement made last year that she would get the family home so the divorce shouldn't be ruling her out from it.

But why now ignore all this?

She won't turn up for the hearing and she is refusing to talk to her solicitor believing that it will all be adjourned to a time and a date that will be more suitable for her.

why do you live with her if you dislike her so much? divorce is extremely stressful and she may be sticking her head in the sand a bit

I would contact her solicitor and tell them

I think you need to contact the solicitor yourself and explain that your mother is not answering their calls as she is suffering from extreme anxiety and you are worried about her.

Are either of them contesting the divorce or any settlement, does it need to go to Court.

Does she actually need to see her GP?

It sounds as if she has become mentally unwell due to the stress of the divorce.

That.

I get that it's frustrating to have some a lot of the work for her and her not follow through. But "silly old woman"?

It must be really hard to be going through a divorce in her 70s, and being blamed by her daughter for not dealing with it brilliantly due to feeling anxious and/or confused. It's hardly unreasonable that she asked you for help.

Why do you live with her? Obviously not her carer.

Can you talk to your Dad about it? Persuade him to go to the court hearing

Going to court can be daunting and intimidating, maybe the solicitor could do a home visit and explain her options, she may not need Court. If she's worried about the house, she has been living there these last 6 years so has husband been happy to let you both stay or been pushing you both to leave,.

Lovely.
Another ageist thread on Mumsnet.

My mother was aware for a few months that she would need to update some documents.

I was encouraging her since September to contact her solicitor to get the forms sent to her but she was refusing. Maybe phone anxiety. I asked her will I email him and she was telling me not to. By November, I emailed anyways to require about the forms or papers that needed to be updated.

He ignored my email because likely because I am not his client. I don't know if he sent any mail to her. We had a visitor for the Christmas and I know her focus was on him and I suspect if she got mail she put it away and ignored it.

I would have helped her with what needed to be doing by the way. I think she didn't want to make any time for any of the legal stuff and found it all too over whelming.

Even when we went into January she was refusing to contact her solicitor to prepare for the hearing in a few weeks.

Now she is revolting against it.

I sat down yesterday with a court document I downloaded an did a rough Affidadit of means for her but she rejected it.

She doesn't want to attend the hearing. She's hoping it will be adjourned if she doesn't attend. She is not commicating with her solicitor. She won't even ask him if she has to attend. She won't pick up the phone. She prefers to write instead and send a letter. I offered that I can send him an email for her and she's refusing.

I can email or solicitor and inform him of the current situation that she has extreme anxiety about it all. I understand she has some anxiety on this but shes not facing this alone. I was helping her. Ignoring this is not the answer.

She's hoping it will be adjourned but I am anxious that if she doesn't attend it will be thrown out and then she stays married to my deadbeat father and his debts. She says she still wants a divorce but she's not putting in any effort to get it done and she seems to think it her solicitors job to do it all.

He's not pushing us to leave. There was an agreement that she would get the home but it now has to be finalised through the family court.

She's ignoring her solicitor. She's hoping to ignore the hearing and not turn up and if it all gets thrown out from court she will blame her solicitor for not getting the divorce and she had no insight into her own part in this. She's not engaging with the process.

I think you need to ask her if she still wants to be divorced.

It sounds like she is scared and burying her head in the sand hoping she doesn't have to actively engage with the process. Maybe she feels like she can't cope with it.

OP's first language is clearly not English so can we not get too hung up on things like calling her mother a "silly woman" where the nuance of the implications of such a phrase to a native speaker may not be as apparent to a bilingual speaker.

She's still saying she wants it but she's completely flat on it and won't engage in the process and is ignoring it all.

So leave her to it.
Next time.she asks for help tell her to speak to her solicitor and do the broken record tricks.

Mum: Asks for help.
You: No. Go ask your solicitor.
And just keep repeating.

Although is she supporting you?
Could you move out?