I am distraught with what's happening with my mother and what I am seeing

[blackpup]

My mother who is now in her early 70s started divorce 6 years ago. I never knew it was going to be so long and drawn out and it was stressful because there was stuff and the family home to sort out. Not knowing if she will be homeless or me because I live with her.

So she got a date for a hearing last summer for next week. There was still some stuff to do and paper to update. I was asking her since September to phone her solicitor but she kept making excuses. Eventually it looked to me as if it's phone anxiety maybe. She refusing to contact him.

Now, she is revolting against the hearing date that's for next week and refusing to phone her solicitor. She won't cancel or stop the divorce but she says she still wants it but she doesn't want to go to court. She seems to think that she can cancel her court date or just not turn up at all.

I know my father likely won't turn up so I am anxious that the case will be thrown out of court. She's not understanding the consequences she says that it will probably be deferred of she doesn't show up and she can do in a few months at the next hearing. But she doesn't know that. She is refusing to talk to her solicitor. She is refusing to phone him. She is refusing to answer his calls.

I mean like what the hell. Why come this far and throw it out like this?
She has made a fool out of me and also my siblings. She has come to us so many times to get us to help her.

She is making silly excuses and I am not able to talk sense into the old silly woman.

She no longer wants the upset of a divorce so leave her be, it’s not affecting anyone apart from you. I suggest you find your own home and move out.

The house isn't going to her brother, it's going to alcoholic deadbeat father unless DM pulls her finger out and makes a will (with a strongly worded letter explaining her choice).

Yes. I see some behavioural and mood stuff that has me supect that dementia is happening. A lot of people of people views dementia as forgetfulness. But from what I learned there's behvaioural types.
The last GP I spoke to cited 'any memory loss' so I don't have a diagnosis for her and I am still holding out on hope that maybe there isn't any dementia. She can do every day tasks reasonable well but there's a question mark over organising and planning. For example of she puts on a load in the washing machine she will use three or four clothes horses with everything so spaced out and even clothes horses in front of doors so there's no spacial awareness and a lot of the time the stuff can be married down into one or two max. So there is some aspects that her declining I think.

Maybe her memory is so much more worse than what I realise and maybe her refusal to contact her solicitor is because maybe it's just a name to her. Maybe she forgets who he is. I don't know. The divorce and legal stuff is not an every day task so it would be buried in her mind. I think maybe she might be doing a lot out of habit perhaps. Maybe.

It's affecting all of my siblings. They live abroad and they can only do so much from where they are. They want to see things finished and finalised and put it to bed.

Maybe they can come over then and help sort this out, you can live abroad and still gave pia, if they want it sorted why are you dealing with everything.

If you tell your younger brother he will inherit the house surely he will get on the phone to DM as it is in his interest.
if they don’t divorce DF gets the house and she gets some of his debts.

Sorry. I thought the OP had said the house was going to her brother?

I don't understand why she would get this far and ignore the whole lot now and then tell herself that all will be well when she does t show to court and tell herself that it will be adjourned without getting any legal advice from her solicitor on it. I just don't understand.

This apprehension didn't develop overnight either. The housing solicitor told me and the family last year that the matter has to now go to the family court to finalise it. She refused to contact her solicitor and I form him if that important step that needed to be done and to get it moved on.

Then she knew she needed to update papers since last summer but she refused to maintain contact.

I just don't understand how she just didn't stop it all. Years ago instead of letting it all drag out.

No the house was in my father's name but it was signed over to my mother but the matter is not fully finalised yet due to debt on the home and it has to go to court through the family court.

Once it's all hers she will will it to the youngest .

With my mother's tone and attitude my father will likely get her to pay his debts in exchange for the family home and then never really fully sign it over and then come back and claim it back.

She is utterly flat and empty about it all and she's not engaging in the process and I don't understand why she would wish to will it to the youngest then make no effort to try and save the place from the mess it's in.

Once it's all hers she will will it to the youngest

...... or not, if she never gets divorced.

If neither of them has a will then the house will just pass to the survivor, when they die it will go through intestacy rules, if her plan is to,will it the youngest then let them sort it out, there may be no house or money left at the end anyway.

I think maybe this thing has been so long and drawn out she is utterly flat and apathetic about it all now.

She also develop a dislike for her legal aid solicitor. She always felt that he wasn't on her side and he cared more for her ex than he did for her and I think maybe this isn't my mother first time ignoring him. I think she was told off before and probably in a bad tone too. So now her answer is to ignore it all.

It doesn't make sense to me. She can't take his tone as personally. He has a job to do to get cases finished for the court and she has to do her bit but it seems as if she thinks it's her solicitors job to hold her hand into the court room and he's not doing that. She's not enaging with the process now.

I am just so disappointed in whats happening. All of this could be over and done with next week if she wanted.

She won't cancel the divorce and she says she still wants the divorce but she won't engage with this. She and my father will be the only people dragging it out and out.

I'd stop giving this head space.

Yes, I know her wish is to will it to the youngest and when I heard it I though it was a huge smack in the face because he's now living abroad. I spoke to a colleague about it and she even said it's cruel because she knows a lady who never moved out of home and she became a carer for her mother but the house was willed to her because she was the last one at home. She just said that, it's very mean. She said that I am the one at home supporting my mother through many obstacles and helping her at home and the house should be willed to me or at the very least willed to the two of us as in me and the youngest.

Yeah, I didn't approach this subject with her today and she's done nothing. It's clear she will do nothing next week when her hearing date comes.

It's disgusting.

Why are you even still there? If you have no expectations from your mother, you need to prioritise putting a roof over your head that won't disappear on her death.

She is already setting me up for failure and blame with what she said yesterday to me

• 'but you said there's different court sittings and if the papers don't come this will be adjourned'.

I never said any such thing. I said something over the Christmas maybe he's not sending the papers and it will be adjourned or something but I am not a solicitor.

She's now ignoring her solicitor and hoping to not attend a court hearing.

Even I know now if she has to go to court and she doesn't show up a judge won't take that very kindly. I suggested to her that it might be thrown out but she won't listen to me.

So when it all falls flat on its face she's already gearing up to blame me when she's ignoring it all.

So don't put up with it. Extricate yourself. Find your own place and live your own life.

OP you're going to be homeless.
Why don't you concentrate on moving?

You sound far too enmeshed with this matter and your mothers life generally. I think it would be more healthy if you concentrated on your own long term future before you get trapped in a caring role for someone who is not seemingly at all bothered by your security.

On your last thread you said that you (presuming you and your mother) were going to buy your fathers share of the house. Why would you even contemplate that when all you would be doing is adding to someone else's inheritance? Stop worrying about all this and put that effort in to your survival

Why are you letting yourself get so involved, the house isnt yours and probably never will be, if neither of them can be bothered to finalise a divorce and wills then just let them get on with it, you can move out if that's easier.

Her divorce, her life her house. It's time you looked for your own home and your own life. Your mums solicitor is not going to talk to you about the cade it's called client confidentiality

Can the favourite younger son not come home for a spell to assist with this? Maybe she will let him help?

This is nothing to do with any of this couple's adult children. If the mother here has changed her mind, that 's her choice. It sounds like the OP should be looking for new accommodation, getting on with their own life and not getting so involved in other people's affairs.