I am distraught with what's happening with my mother and what I am seeing

[blackpup]

My mother who is now in her early 70s started divorce 6 years ago. I never knew it was going to be so long and drawn out and it was stressful because there was stuff and the family home to sort out. Not knowing if she will be homeless or me because I live with her.

So she got a date for a hearing last summer for next week. There was still some stuff to do and paper to update. I was asking her since September to phone her solicitor but she kept making excuses. Eventually it looked to me as if it's phone anxiety maybe. She refusing to contact him.

Now, she is revolting against the hearing date that's for next week and refusing to phone her solicitor. She won't cancel or stop the divorce but she says she still wants it but she doesn't want to go to court. She seems to think that she can cancel her court date or just not turn up at all.

I know my father likely won't turn up so I am anxious that the case will be thrown out of court. She's not understanding the consequences she says that it will probably be deferred of she doesn't show up and she can do in a few months at the next hearing. But she doesn't know that. She is refusing to talk to her solicitor. She is refusing to phone him. She is refusing to answer his calls.

I mean like what the hell. Why come this far and throw it out like this?
She has made a fool out of me and also my siblings. She has come to us so many times to get us to help her.

She is making silly excuses and I am not able to talk sense into the old silly woman.

Have you got POA?

Neither one is bothered about this. Neither planning on turning up to court. Neither pushing the divorce through. Leave them to it. If they don’t want to get divorced they don’t have to!
If one of them dies the house will pass on to the other and when they die it will be split as per their will. They don’t have to get divorced if they don’t want to. And for the expense of it all I doubt I’d even bother at that age

There might be a phone number or email address for the Court so let them know too that she will not be attending

All she got a letter last summer to say that her case is listed for 31 of January at ABC family circuit court.

I don't know what this hearing is for to be honest.

I asked my mother to phone her solicitor and ask if she needs to attend but she won't phone him. He was trying to call her but she's ignoring her phone.

She refused me POA citing her current legal situation and getting through her current legal situation before she will think about anything else.

I would honestly take a step back at this point.

You have done what you can, so I'd leave her to it now and she will call the solicitor if/when she wants to. Stop making it your problem.

Ah.

Then I'd move out of her house and move on with my life.

You don't respect her, and she thinks so little of you that she won't let you have POA.

My mother started divorce because they were separated for years and then he was in huge debt and that prompted her to start on divorce. She wanted the divorce. She wanted to divorce him 20 years ago but she was afraid of his anger so never did but now he doesn't have a leg to stand on. 6 years ago she felt she could do it then. She says she still wants the divorce and she still speaks about him as the scumbag as he was when they were married.

The issue is she knows there's a housing issue to be finalised through the family court but now she wants to ignore it.

She's also not seeking legal advice about her position in the home and what happens if he dies or she dies and she doesn't even have a will made.

All you can do is suggest you email the solicitor and court to say she may not attend, if she doesn't want to go and is competent what else can you do.

No she was raised in 1950s Ireland where women were treated as second class citizens. She always had so much time for all of my brothers but not so much me. If my brothers were here all they would have to say is jump and she will ask how high. If they suggested POA she would obey them. No questions. She would be all over them. But they all live abroad and not in a position to ask for POA.

I assume she is paying for the solicitor? You could point out that her not engaging will cost her more money, they are going to want to be paid for the delays, additional paperwork re-arranging dates and the cost of calls she won't take, etc.

Then I would remind her if she dies the house will pass to him and you will be left homeless. You can’t make her get divorced if she can’t be arsed with it all. Personally I’d move out and on with my life and leave her to it. She’s not arsed about it and if neither one turns up for court then the case won’t get heard and she’ll have to start again. She’ll also have to pay the court fees and solicitors fees for that which will be upwards of £2k. She’s literally throwing money away. But if she won’t be told leave her be

Is this also your thread? The situation seems the same.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4763978-im-in-a-horrific-situation-with-my-mother

What about the solicitor's fees? They must be huge if she carries on like this? All his attempted phone calls will no doubt be charge for. Has anyone checked what the bill is? Has she been paying his bill for 6 years? Also if she doesn't go to court he may charge her for that - how she is wasting his time. She really needs a medical excuse. I have seen solicitors appear to charge extra when they have been ''messed around''.

She's getting legal aid. I think it's supposed to be free or there's some small charges. I suggested that to her even last year and she's just so flat and apathetic about it.

If she listens to your brothers then ask your brothers to talk to her, they can tell her to go to Court, set up a Will and grant you joint POA.

In your previous thread you suggested that your mother might have dementia.
Do you still think she has?

If she wanted the divorce,she's had enough time to do it ,
Obviously you're expecting her to leave the house to you ,and your keen to stop your dad's debt coming out of the house
But if he owns half the house ,and he's had debt ,it's only right he pays it back
Your mum doesn't sound capable of understanding what is happening,or of being an active participant...you can't push her in to this ,or it will become obvious when she does speak to the solicitor or doesn't turn up to court .
A solicitor will not do a will either,he he doesn't feel his client has capacity..
I suggest you leave things be ,or it could end up looking like your forcing her in to a situation,you stand to gain from

She is likely to lose legal aid as she appears to be wasting solicitor's time.

@blackpup i hear you. Not my mum but my MIL was the exact same. She used up her children’s time and energy and emotional energy willy nilly and then they found when they got to court that she had in fact cancelled the court date ahead of time. All well and good saying that you shouldn’t have feeling about this type of stuff but when it affects your life that is completely unrealistic. We are only humans.

She already indicated that she will be willing it to my youngest brother. I don't want to the home lost.

Im not forcing her. She started the divorce herself and it's been a long road. I am so disappointed seeing that there's a hearing date in sight and she's washing her hands of it all.

I'm getting nothing out from this. I was trying to help her through this.

Help is only help if it's actually wanted
Otherwise it's interference
I think she's being very clear ,that for whatever reason she has changed her mind

This is where I am right now. She's my mother and people here are implying that divorce will only affect the two of them but I am sure it would affect any children they have too in some way. I know I am not a child but still. I am seeing an incredibly shitty situation unfolding right now.

I don't want to the home lost.

??

I know I am not a child but still
You must be middle aged.
If the house is going to your brother, and you don't have POA, just move out and leave her to it.