Your mental health when dealing with elderly parents

[Randomuser9876]

My parents are mid 80s - they've been staggering on for a few years, various health problems which needed help with (medical appointments etc) but could live with a degree of independance. I've always struggled with it a bit, I'm an only child and parents had me in their 40s so it's been a juggle dealing with elderly parents and young children. My F wasn't a good father I struggle to forgive and forget the emotional and physical abuse from my childhood. He's mellowed a bit bit still very controlling. Everything with my parents is negative / miserable. Despite being in a good situation financially they would hardly go on holiday or out for meals and they don't have many friends or any hobbies. As such me and the DC are their only source of entertainment.

It's been getting worse gradually over the last 10 years then about a year ago everything escalated suddenly - DM had a fall and now is only semi mobile. Although there's no reason she can't make a full recovery she seems to have given up on life, doesn't do her physio and pretty much refusues to go out or do anything. She is deaf but refuses to wear hearing aids.

I hate seeing them and find it almost traumatic. DM is like a different person, she was always v stoic but now just cries and talks about how she doesn't want to be here any more. I really miss my mum - the person who I could talk to and share my life with. There's so much moaning and complaining from my F who now has to do all the washing / shopping etc. I work FT and have 3 kids but he's always got it worse! I'm made to feel like they hardly see us although I go round a couple of times a week for a drop in and about once a week for dinner or a longer stay. I do half their shopping for them and take them to most medical appointments.

I find after I've seen them my mood is so low, I drink more than I planned, even get physical aches and pains which I'm fairly convinced are due to the tension. I'm sick of being the strong one.

Don't know what I'm asking really but do others have the same? Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad. My friends all have younger parents and not at this stage yet. How do you manage your mental health while dealing with this stress? They could be here another 10 years + and I'm not sure what will be left of me.

That sounds really really difficult, but sadly, not uncommon.

The moaning and negativity is pretty standard for the elderly I'd say.

But for practicality could you put paid carers in place? Just to start with.

There is no law that says you have to do this. What would happen if you did less? Would that really be worse than things currently are?

Who is more important to you - your children/partner or them?

Recognise that they will not change - how can you protect yourself and your family from this negativity? What do you think they see when they look at you?

Join a carers' group or get some counselling to help with boundaries.

It is so very very difficult with parents. I disagree on the point about moaning and negativity - my DM was a ray of sunshine and gratitude right up to the end of her very long life. This is very much them and how they see you, not you.

I have to agree with a PP. Most/majority of the very old are not in a good place, moaning and compaining, leaning very heavily on their children, in poor health and unable to do any life admin at all (can you tell it happened to me twice!).

The guilt tripping, the entitlement. The refusual to do anything that would make an all round situation easier for all. I literally bullied my DF then DM to get POA done as what they were asking me to do was impossible. Things were much eaiser afterwards and they lost interest in bank statements, bills etc. I have a view about the very old and what we are doing when quality of life is very low but will leave it for another thread!

I also encouraged them to write wills (I dont want their money or to know what was in it).

Absolutely, it's carers burn out.

My sister didn't want to have to deal with it so moved hundreds of miles away (still actively telephones to tell me how I am not supporting them enough)

I have decided what I am willing to offer and have absolutely stuck with it...

For me it's 1x 4 HR block once a week for shopping one weekday trip/meal 2 x "emergency" telephone calls where he can't turn telly over or needs some forms doing

I will do zero physical care of dad's wife although will attend some hospital appointments which I think will be helpful for me to know. I expect to have to do some form of care in the future for dad but again I will have limits.

DH both parents and spouses have recently been dropping hints about moving to our town in a few years when they need some extra help.....

Don't know what I'm asking really but do others have the same?

yes. Come and join the other Bad Daughters on the cockroach cafe thread.

You’d be v welcome there OP. The stress is real. You need a good think and maybe a chat with your DH about what you feel is reasonable and doable, practically and emotionally, and the set up a routine or boundaries from there. Talk to your parents about extra help. If they don’t take it, that’s their choice, it doesn’t mean you then have to step in even more.

I am honestly heartily sick and tired of people stating that with capacity the older people can do what they like.

What about the daughters (and it often is women isnt it!) who have to pick up the pieces and who run their parents household because they are no longer able and who 'want to stay in their own house'.

Yes, you can get carers in AND Mum did in a previous house but they werent great and were they going to sort out her broken boiler because she had been messing around with it (and not saying!) or when an old person was peeing all over the house because in the middle of the night they forgot she wasnt on the toilet (Mum never did this btw that I know of but a friends Mum did). They have a real capacity to fib about what is happening to cover up for their inability to live on their own without help from family.

Mum has often complained when I go on holiday who she needs to call if she needs support.

It takes a very unusual person to not take anything on, who has the GP calling about Mum and who puts the phone down, who refuses to engage. My DM gave my number out to everyone as she wasnt able to manage her own life. She is OK now but that is because I am doing everything. I will get phone calls from people either asking for her or who when I query who they tell me that Mum gave out your number. She has had respite care after a fall and hated it but again its all about them isnt it?

The thing that really pisses me off is she tells other sister who lives abroad that she is fine and that she is living independently with no real worries.

NO SHE ISNT! I AM ENABLING IT!

RANT OVER.....

Haha, we have a neighbour (83) over the road who is living “independently” and says she “would never be a burden on her children” none of whom live close by. But whenever she needs something practical she’s straight into us, whether it’s hip rehab help (back on her feet now) or booking flights to see her daughter. But not a burden on her children, oh no. And we’re thinking, how did we end up with an extra elderly lady to look after? This is in addition to my parents 20 miles away where there’s something up every week that needs doing. 🙄

Mother - yep. When Mum was living on her own 100 miles away she would pester the neighbours with the sad face and even asked one of them to drive her into town because she had a certain way of getting cash out. Complete waste of time and a very long winded way of doing it but there was no telling her. In the end she called me crying that she didnt have enough cash in the house and that I was the only person who could help as neighbour refused to take the responsibility and told her to call me.

@Randomuser9876

what do you specifically do for them? Can any of the things you do be farmed out to other providers - like carers, online shopping, cleaners, gardeners etc?

It sounds like you have quite a complicated tensions with your parents. Your father was abused and your mother (presumably) allowed this to happen. Like any child though, you are predisposed to love them and try to keep the relationship going. But OP you don’t owe them anything. It’s not your job to somehow make them happy, to make up for their lack of social life or support network beyond you.

Don't know what I'm asking really
I’m guessing that you are asking for permission to take a step back. You have it! You are absolutely allowed to decide what your own boundaries are and enforce them. You only want to visit once a week? You don’t want to do their shopping but you’ll make sure the online order comes every week? Fine, doable.

Timewentfast. I know my dear I really do. My mum is Ok. Sweet natured but completely in denial as to what I am doing to keep her living independently.

She is in her 90's and in a retirement complex. She cannot help herself in leaning and pushing me down further and further. I have tried to make her life as simple as possible and its ok for NOW but you never know when the next phone call is coming dumping all the issues in your lap.

Yes, we are patting ourselves on the back. Isnt she great, living to that age and living so independently.

My DF was a different matter, a shell of himself and yet the NHS threw everything that they had at him and consequently he stayed alive in a care home unable to speak due to various strokes, in a wheelchair and unable to use the bathrooom without assistance. Someone made an awful lot of money out of him as he was a self funder. We need to carefully think about quality of life for people who are really just waiting to be out of pain and ready to pass on.

I'm there with you and offering you an unM-N HUGGG

In one year we've gone frm my parents being able to look after themselves (actually mum looking after dad and not really herself - but thats another story) through to dad having to take on the cooking and washing, then having to get one carer in a day, to emergency carehome stays as dad was in hospital, to finally both in a care home together.
They're only mid 70s but the decline (mostly in mum) has been epic.

Of course I'm the only one tasked with all the 'stuff'; constantly being told I'm not doing enough, not a good enough daughter, not giving up my job for them etc etc.

4 times this year my dad has stopped speaking to me because I've not jumped at his will. I've had to put in boundaries, I was getting ill, beyond burnt out. I've had covid 3x in that time too. I have underlying fibro and chronic migraine, I'm honestly not well. Dad hated the boundaries, but had to give up on his silent treatment every now and then when he needed help again.

He's never apologised to me, he has apologised to DH, but not me.

BTW, my grandma (96) and MIL (76) are both also in need of regular help, but their attitude to asking us and responding to us has been totoally different. Less of the constant moaning, never implying we're not doing enough and generally having a much more pro-active attitude. So its really not an age thing!

Thanks so much! There's some lovely comments and stuff here that really resonates.

Like putting boundaries up but then there's a medical emergency and what you gonna do?

They have a cleaner and a carer gets mum out of bed in the morning. They're pretty resistant to online stuff, mum has never had a phone never mind sent an email!! Which doesn't help.

rickyrickygrimes that's so preceptive about my relationship with my parents. As a child she never got involved when F lost his temper. I thought we were so close but now I have kids I realise she shouldn't have turned a blind eye.

She's too unwell to discuss it now but does make it hard and my relationship with her has changed so much. How do you care for someone who didn't always care for you? But know this would break her heart.

I'm finding a lot of the issues I thought I'd put to bed a long time ago have popped up again.

A fair majority of older people have opted out of the technology. Mum has given up on her mobile even though it was just a phone (with big buttons!). She has never used a PC or does anything online.

Of course when she was in respite care she couldnt call me and I think if she does eventually go into full time care then I wont be putting a landline in. I did for my Father and it was never really used. He didnt understand how the answerphone worked and then I found it pulled off the wall in the care home by persons unknown so I never replaced it. Old people can get obsessed with phones and calling the same nunber again and again. Its the only one they know and I saw one of those 999 emergency programmes where a lady kept calling 999 up to 10 times a night saying she had a pain. They found a daughter who had basically washed her hands of her Mother. At the time I thought that was rather selfish but now realise it was probably because Mother insisted on living on her own saying everything was fine and expecting daughter to do everything.

Sending best wishes as I'm in a similar situation
Recently admitted I was struggling so work are letting me finish work early every day for the foreseeable while my mum is ill mainly to give me time for myself
I'm an only child, dad passed away, no other family, work ft, it's tough. None of my friends have had to be carers so dont understand why I can't just do things with them

So difficult, but especially so when a parent has been abusive (or where for any reason there's been a difficult relationship). Parenting a mum or dad who didn't do their own job of parenting that well is bound to lead to very mixed feelings. And that is fine and understandable.
I think all I can say is 1. You are not alone. It really can help to just vent, 2. Think about cutting down the visits. It's very hard but if you weigh up who is more important: your DC or your parents, and who you should therefore be using more emotional energy on, you'll probably come to the conclusion that you have got to draw some tougher boundaries.
(I hope that comes across OK. For what it's worth, I have failed entirely to follow my own advice, though I'm getting a bit better now!).

It’s difficult getting old. Everyday a new pain, or a capability lost, and you know it’s one way, never going to get better.

Your children are always going to be no 1 in your life. And that is as true when you’re 80 as when you’re 30. So although you’re pleased they have their own life,it still hurts that you aren’t no 1 to them, more like no 12 and below the guinea pig. And the more you are struggling in daily life with pain and with not being able to do tiny jobs which once were no problem, the less head space you have for others’ needs.

That doesn’t mean you as the child destroy your own life to look after your parents. Understanding where things come from helps tolerance, and that reduces mental load. I found it useful to objectively observe my dad, see what behaviour of mine led to what result, note the way he will always bring up an urgent problem just as I am about to leave. Observing as if I am reporting on a lab rat helps take the emotion out of it.

I didnt find any way of reducing the mental load of always being on call, never being able to relax.

I’m don’t think I’m doing too bad a job of being a daughter. I don’t think I’ll be very good at being an aged parent

My sister didn't want to have to deal with it so moved hundreds of miles away (still actively telephones to tell me how I am not supporting them enough)

Oh yes...me too. My sister lives only a 40 minute drive away but actively tells me I don't do enough.

It's amazing the sibling who does the least tells you what you're not doing right.

I've cut back on care home visits I can't deal with it anymore and my own life and work is suffering.

To a PP saying you need to understand why old people are behaving like this. Definitely agree regarding been given another job or task as you are loaded down with their washing, lists of what they want from the shops, bills they want you to pay etc. Mum does this to me and I actually had to say as I was leaving 'enough' it will be picked up next time.

Otherwise you will be run ragged by them, whether they are doing it on purpose or not. Your family life will suffer because 'Mum has buggered up Sky and needs you to come round urgently as its really her only thing in life' just as you are going out the door to do something else.

They might not MEAN to be so demanding and dare I say it a burden but it still doesnt mean it doesnt happen. You 100% need to set boundaries. We did with the TV. It would be fixed when someone next came round - the sad face or sometimes even floods of tears would appear but you need to stick to the boundaries.

And I have my tin hat ready for this one... your children arent necessarily your no 1 priority. The older persons wants and needs are in many cases. They are old and fighting against it. They often want you to do things immediately because it makes them less anxious. Well so bloody what! I missed a theatre show because Mum was doing something I expressly told her not to do and guess what, she fell, care alarms, calls to me, etc. She denied she had been doing it of course but there were so many clues that she had been wandering around her apartment that in the end she had to admit it. Thing is that can do what they like, make their own decisions but when it goes wrong as it almost always does guess who is called in the middle of the night. I dread something daft being done just before I go on holiday. Am I exepected to just say goodby to £££ of holiday just because a parent has done something silly.

I dont have siblings that live in the UK. They made a run for it years ago. They wouldnt dare start to tell me what to do. They would get very very short shift if they did. DSIS did try once and she wont be doing it again!

I managed to go away for a few days with DH this year, in this country too. DB was due to visit mum anyway and offered to stay mid week while I was away which meant he would do her shopping etc and I wouldn’t have to book-end the holiday with dashes over to mum. All good.

All went to plan except mum rang me more while I was away. DB was apologetic but he couldn’t watch her like a toddler and she’d be calling me to report on what DB was doing, or ringing me to say he’d gone out and wasn’t sure when he’d be back. She has an uncanny knack for timing too, right at the point when I’d like to be with my own thoughts eg on a day trip to Iona, where I’ve always wanted to go. Just as I set foot in the Abbey. Phone starts vibrating.

Nothing went wrong, but it certainly wasn’t a break from thinking about her at all. On edge, jumping every time the phone buzzes.

Sending out heartfelt sympathy to all here
Tracker1234, you sound just like me when I get to the END OF MY BLOODY TETHER😂
Funnelfan How do they do it, seriously how?! There is not a single time I leave my city that I don't get a phone call! I've now told the care agency that when I'm on holiday, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW Anything!!!!