Your mental health when dealing with elderly parents

[Randomuser9876]

My parents are mid 80s - they've been staggering on for a few years, various health problems which needed help with (medical appointments etc) but could live with a degree of independance. I've always struggled with it a bit, I'm an only child and parents had me in their 40s so it's been a juggle dealing with elderly parents and young children. My F wasn't a good father I struggle to forgive and forget the emotional and physical abuse from my childhood. He's mellowed a bit bit still very controlling. Everything with my parents is negative / miserable. Despite being in a good situation financially they would hardly go on holiday or out for meals and they don't have many friends or any hobbies. As such me and the DC are their only source of entertainment.

It's been getting worse gradually over the last 10 years then about a year ago everything escalated suddenly - DM had a fall and now is only semi mobile. Although there's no reason she can't make a full recovery she seems to have given up on life, doesn't do her physio and pretty much refusues to go out or do anything. She is deaf but refuses to wear hearing aids.

I hate seeing them and find it almost traumatic. DM is like a different person, she was always v stoic but now just cries and talks about how she doesn't want to be here any more. I really miss my mum - the person who I could talk to and share my life with. There's so much moaning and complaining from my F who now has to do all the washing / shopping etc. I work FT and have 3 kids but he's always got it worse! I'm made to feel like they hardly see us although I go round a couple of times a week for a drop in and about once a week for dinner or a longer stay. I do half their shopping for them and take them to most medical appointments.

I find after I've seen them my mood is so low, I drink more than I planned, even get physical aches and pains which I'm fairly convinced are due to the tension. I'm sick of being the strong one.

Don't know what I'm asking really but do others have the same? Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad. My friends all have younger parents and not at this stage yet. How do you manage your mental health while dealing with this stress? They could be here another 10 years + and I'm not sure what will be left of me.

Op sorry to hear the stress you are under and the complicated relationship you have with you parents. My parents, although only in their late 60s are very similar in terms on my mums care needs and being very negative people. It’s draining and I hate being around them. I do think their behaviour in childhood has a big impact on our feelings now. It’s adds to the frustration. I know I hate having to care for my parents when I felt their care of me as a child was wildly below par.

also sympathies for the mix of children and elderly parents. It’s super hard to balance. Sounds like you’re doing a lot for them. Just know it is ok to say no. If you need this weekend free, take it. Do not invite them over. You are not responsibly for their entertainment and if they have chosen to have no friends or other hobbies then that is on them!!

funnelfan I could have written your post it’s so similar I had to check your name thought I might have written it apart from I don’t have a DB, but a male cousin instead, mums nephew.
I wish I’d found these threads years ago it’s so therapeutic, I really didn’t realise there was anyone going through the same thing as me but it’s surprising how similar our stories are.
Cutting a very long story short my mum probably has dementia but it’s undiagnosed so far. The straw that broke the camels back came 8 weeks ago I was in bed feeling very unwell, mum had decided she didn’t feel well and went out at 10pm to a neighbours for help. Somehow her electrics had fused, when the neighbour took her home there was water all over the worktop and floor, she’d tried to make a cup of tea in the sugar bowl !
My cousin was called, as I was too unwell, that’s the first time I haven’t attended in 40 years. He called an ambulance as she was very confused and a high bp, she was taken in hospital where she’s been ok but slightly confused. After many meetings and discussions the SW decided to put in temporary care in a care home, she went in on Monday. I should be breathing a huge sigh of relief but she hates it. I’m just so pleased she hasn’t got a phone !! I still can’t seem to relax like I thought I would. I’m going today, makes me anxious just thinking about it. She’s 92 I’m 66. Hope it gets easier soon .

Yes it's literally wrecking my mental health.

Yep mine too. My DH is disappointed, think he thought as soon as mum went into a care home he’d see me smile again, don’t think it works like that !

This could honestly be me. My mum.is 95, had a serious fall in March and honestly until then was extremely mobile, living independently, happy, resilient and enjoyed great health.
Everything has changed, she's now got carers coming in four times a day, but does not really engage with them, saving jobs for me to do when I come down. I live a mile away and retired last year.
It's only eight weeks, but already I'm reaching burnout.
So glad to have read your post

So sorry you’re going through this - it’s very hard.

When my mother (with dementia) was driving me mad, on and on about the latest (fantastic) bee in her bonnet, and reasoning was useless, I would sometimes pretend that I’d left something in the car, go and sit in it with Bohemian Rhapsody on really loud, and have a really good SCREAM!!.
Very therapeutic!

Tolki - sadly Mum did pass recently. It was a blessing and she had had enough. She was ready to go. I have been on other threads and some people who respond have NO idea what it’s like. One even said it was a privilege to look after their elderly parent.

At 95 something is likely to happen and the medical profession will throw everything at keeping an older person alive which in many cases is not in the older person’s interest

At the very end and in the last month I had a conversation with a person from the GP’s surgery who discussed very openly active treatments. They stressed they would keep her very comfortable and I insisted they not take her back to hospital unless it was something like a broken bone. They had End of Life drugs with her name on them so they were ready when the time came.

95 is very old and it could be that something will happen in the next 12 months.

If I could be so bold could I suggest that you do think about active treatment and also please please do put some boundaries in place. Question why YOU have to do do something. Dont let Mum dictate the jobs for you. The combination of you retiring and being so close sadly makes me fear that in her eyes you are prime to help out. After all - what else do you have to do?

There are some good care homes round but suspect that Mum will refuse to go as she has you to do everything.

I remember a very sad thread regarding a lady who had been run ragged to the point of almost having a breakdown and dancing to the tune of their elderly Mum. Everything was done by this poster. She found out when she finally got parent to agree to POA that help had been offered years before by social services but the parent had refused saying that daughter insisted on doing everything. Issue was she didn’t tell daughter this…. It’s a horribly selfish, self absorbed way of using your children to do things they way you want them done.

I don’t know what the answer is. Boundaries definitely but when parent looks at you with that helpless look followed by the cow eyes it is awfully difficult to response negatively. Sharing the load is good but it’s funny how no one else seems to be available when it’s required so it’s back to you.

Can I talk to someone about this? No need to PM, I just want to know that someone will respond and give me advice, guidance or encouragement 🥺 I'm at the end of my tether. I have migraines and anxiety attack every night. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so stressed out, and I can't do this anymore. She's draining the life out of me...

🥺

Every time I try to talk to her, it doesn't work. It's this constant barrage of moaning, being randomly mean, intrusive.

She keeps calling me her daughter as if I'm her property, her slave, her carer, but I never felt safe or loved with her.

I don't know what to do. I'm slowly dying on the inside.

I'm so severly burnt out, and my MH is gone. She keeps calling me her daughter. Funny isn't it.

Deep down I know I'm nobody's daughter. Never protected, never safe, only here to be used until there's nothing left 🥺

Funny how it's all about love. Funny how she loves to play some sort of happy family and it's all about love. But every night I go to bed crying or with a migraine but my M is happy as long as I suffer silently.

I don't know how to cope with this...🥺

snowfoxglove I'm so sorry to read your post. You sound absolutely run ragged and at the end of your tether. I, mercifully,don't have personal experience of what you describe,but do know that even the nicest very elderly people can become extremely selfish as they age,and can't seem to grasp the idea that other people ( and it's almost always daughters) have lives,jobs and families too.

Are you living with your mother at the moment? Is there any way that you can switch off,or turn your phone off for a few hours?

This thread is so sad, and resonates so much. Siblings far away and overseas being critical from a distance,while on person does all the work.
But things change quickly. 3 months ago mum was still at home,with a carer twice a week. Then a care home room became available and we moved her in and emptied the house for sale.
3 weeks after moving in,she died.
Her funeral was last week. Even the funeral became an argument. How do you know " its what mum would have wanted" when you have barely seen her for years?????
Now they've all gone back to their respective homes leaving me to keep an eye on the house. So I'm still going in every day,as I was before. But now its cold and empty and sad. And I'm still exhausted.

I can empathise, @snowfoxglove. I feel like I don't have a mum any more.
Not because of dementia or anything, but because her selfishness and endless gaslighting have destroyed any bond. Am I of use to her? That is her only concern. And my sister colludes with her in scapegoating me. This is after years of caring for her, my dad and my aunt.

As a pp said, are you living with her? That's so key. I am and it's breaking me.

My friend retired at 65 to look after her mother. Within a year, the mother became ill with pneumonia. Friend cared for her, eventually having to call an ambulance and the mother was admitted to hospital. A week later my friend died, alone at home, of pneumonia, which she'd caught while caring for her mother. The mother is recovered and still alive. This was 5 years ago.

I'm telling you all this because it's so important that you look after yourselves - you matter too!

@Tracker1234 , that is SO common - ‘No, I don’t need any help, thank you - my daughter will do it.’
And social workers are - unsurprisingly - only too happy to accept that.

You have to make your situation plain to SWs, but unfortunately they still can’t force anyone who’s still deemed to have capacity, to accept carers coming in.

Maybe the SW's need to check in with the 'person' who the parent is quoting but I guuess if they did that it would probably end up with more work for them!

I did outsource to whomever I could and told parent this. If they wanted it done it would be done but not THEIR way. Luckily parent had the money to agree to this and I was POA.

Gosh, that is incredibly sad. What a tragic ending to a lady who should still have had many years of life to enjoy.

@Feckedupbundle and @TryingAgainAgainAgain thank you for being here. Yesterday it was hard. I do have boundaries in place. Tbf sometimes nothing even bad just happens, but I'm just fed up living my life for someone else. (Yes, I live with her) I'm so fed up of feeling bad and guilty. I wish I could be kind and loving because feeling like that would make my lot easier too but it just doesn't happen

Can you change your living situation? I think this would be instrumental in helping your situation. In only the last 4 months my mother has become very demanding and all consuming. I can only manage her in small windows, if I lived with her I wouldn't cope. I'm actually learning to set boundaries now and actually seeing her less rather than more as my mental health is suffering. You need some space, please make it a priority.

Thank you @Lovesgreen

Agreed. I find my mum hard.

Honestly, just last week I made the decision to step back slightly from my mum as it's taken a huge toll on my own mental health over the last few years.

I called her every single day from the very first Covid lockdown to keep her spirits up because she was having a tough time looking after my dad and somehow it had continued. I feel I've become her verbal punchbag.

Of course I'm still taking to all her medical appointments, food shopping and doing all her online stuff. So not a huge step back in the workload, just less calls but I feel more relaxed and I make an effort to go to the gym for me time.

I think you need to start by pointing out everything you do for them and trying to work out the boundaries from there.

My dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. DM insists its not cancer and because hes been playing away, Ive seen the hospital paperwork Its cancer. They are both 88. Dad cant listen to music because she cant stand it but she will have Saturday Night Takeaway and Britains Got Talent up full blast. Shes deaf but refuses hearing aids. I constantly have to repeat myself but sometimes i do find myself saying "if you really want to know (whats going on) get a hearing aid" Has trouble with the stairs and comes down backwards but wont get a stairlift fitted.

I feel incredibly isolated.
In real life, friends are mostly full of platitudes, the odd one understands but there is still an expectation of social graces.
In private, I actually googled predicted death rate, actuary tables.
I worry that I have lost my heart. My dad died last year and I wasn't remotely upset. My mum has gone full narc, it's all about her, my golden called brother has also upped his narc ness.

As for my in-laws, I've been in their lives 30 years and yet am held at arms length. Communication is via my uncommunicative husband. It's got worse in the last ten years.

FIL is on the slippery slope to dementia, SIL who benefited from the maximum childcare will not be hanging around to handle that.
I just don't feel part of their family in the good times so can't see why I should use time or money in the bad times.

@ElderMagnet that's it in a message.....you feel "incredibly isolated "
That will resonate with so many people on this thread, especially those like me too who've been in this position, in my case only for the last two months.
It really does wear you down.

I hope that by voicing your feelings you feel a little better and will inevitably help others in the same plight. A problem shared is definitely a problem halved.

They can get these call buzzers they wear which summons assistance I think.