Your mental health when dealing with elderly parents

[Randomuser9876]

My parents are mid 80s - they've been staggering on for a few years, various health problems which needed help with (medical appointments etc) but could live with a degree of independance. I've always struggled with it a bit, I'm an only child and parents had me in their 40s so it's been a juggle dealing with elderly parents and young children. My F wasn't a good father I struggle to forgive and forget the emotional and physical abuse from my childhood. He's mellowed a bit bit still very controlling. Everything with my parents is negative / miserable. Despite being in a good situation financially they would hardly go on holiday or out for meals and they don't have many friends or any hobbies. As such me and the DC are their only source of entertainment.

It's been getting worse gradually over the last 10 years then about a year ago everything escalated suddenly - DM had a fall and now is only semi mobile. Although there's no reason she can't make a full recovery she seems to have given up on life, doesn't do her physio and pretty much refusues to go out or do anything. She is deaf but refuses to wear hearing aids.

I hate seeing them and find it almost traumatic. DM is like a different person, she was always v stoic but now just cries and talks about how she doesn't want to be here any more. I really miss my mum - the person who I could talk to and share my life with. There's so much moaning and complaining from my F who now has to do all the washing / shopping etc. I work FT and have 3 kids but he's always got it worse! I'm made to feel like they hardly see us although I go round a couple of times a week for a drop in and about once a week for dinner or a longer stay. I do half their shopping for them and take them to most medical appointments.

I find after I've seen them my mood is so low, I drink more than I planned, even get physical aches and pains which I'm fairly convinced are due to the tension. I'm sick of being the strong one.

Don't know what I'm asking really but do others have the same? Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad. My friends all have younger parents and not at this stage yet. How do you manage your mental health while dealing with this stress? They could be here another 10 years + and I'm not sure what will be left of me.

Mum knows not to ring me unless its really urgent like being arrested! To be fair to her she thinks because she doesnt its all very easy for me to manage. She also knows that it will be my decision as to whether she moves into a proper care home.

Yes to the care home/retirement complex calling you. I had it with my late Father. Always timed well of course. I do go on holiday quite often and refuse to cut down on them. No one is asking me to not go away but I am on tenderhooks everytime I do.

The way I speak to my Mum could be bordering on bullying but to be honest it does snap her into sorting herself out most of the time. She lives a very simple life and I put her back in her box |(I know it sounds awful) if she tries to stray from the norm. She also knows that if she cannot manage herself she will be moving into a care home something no one wants to do (and they call you all the time too!) Mum was in a care home for respite care recently and honestly. At one point I thought I might as well just move in there myself. Mum knew nothing about anything and kept referring them to me. They would drip feed what they wanted to know and I was trying to work admittely now part time and at home so that made things easier but I went part time for my own health and well being not to care for Mum.

Funnel - what if your Mum was told you were on a break and that you would call her later or speak to her when you returned. I have put the phone down on Mum before by saying that I would deal with it the next day - unless of course she really has been arrested!

Don’t any of you have a phone which says who’s calling? Our landline ( Stone Age tech here) does…..so we just let it go to the answering machine if we don’t fancy speaking. That’s what I did with DM, then I would call back when I wanted to ( sometimes just before I knew dinner was about to be served 😉).

@MereDintofPandiculation , I’m sure you are way above the guinea pig, 💐

@Tracker1234 I did tell my mum I was going on holiday beforehand, then I told her I was on holiday when I was away and trying to cut short the call and pointing out DB could help her as he was actually there but it don’t sink in.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen of course, but she’ll only call my mobile and if I don’t answer/turn it off she just keeps ringing back and leaving messages and then goes round to her neighbours getting worried that I haven’t rung back and then they’ll message me instead telling me mum is worried ... I tried ignoring my phone in Iona Abbey but then by the third time she rang me I was so thoroughly pissed off i stepped out and answered it because there was no chance of me being peaceful and contemplative by then.

95% of the calls I get are mum or are related to mum. Everyone else messages me. It’s a massive source of stress - I have the phone on silent all the time but even a vibration from an alarm or reminder triggers me.

On edge, jumping every time the phone buzzes. This where you have to be brutal. Phone on silent, in the bottom of rucksack where you can’t hear it. Or block her for the duration. If there’s a disaster, DB would tell you.

Although I do go on a bit trying to explain the elderly person’s point of view, I have been ruthless in the past. For example,on one of his many ambulance trips to A&E, the ambulance crew suggested I could safely wait 2 or 3 hours before joining him. I was happy to agree since there seemed little point in watching him drowse in A&E while I tried to sleep on a plastic chair.

Now, of course, he’s not my problem.

I don’t think this is standard elderly behaviour. Your mother sounds depressed. Your dad sounds like he’s always been a miserable git.

My DM is 81, limited mobility won’t use a wheel chair, takes her two hours to have a shower but she’s self sufficient as far as she can be. Strong and determined. Still a laugh, sees the bright side, fights her body and the pain. You either do or you don’t. Some people just quit.

Perhaps you should contact adult social services and see what is available to assist your parents (and you).

she’ll only call my mobile and if I don’t answer/turn it off she just keeps ringing back and leaving messages and then goes round to her neighbours getting worried that I haven’t rung back and then they’ll message me instead telling me mum is worried Can you put messages on a mobile answerphone like you can on a landline Eg “this phone is currently non-functional, please ring back in a week?” Or use call redirect to bounce back to your DB. Or use a different SIM for downtime? And make sure neighbours and relatives all know that you are out of phone contact and DB is in charge?

Mum has developed dementia, it’s glaringly obvious. Stepdad is sticking his head in the sand, adapting to it and failing to seek a diagnosis/treatments.
I find that incredibly hard to deal with. Hundreds of miles away, there’s nothing I can physically do. He won’t accept any intervention from me. Takes advice, says he’s grateful and that I’m right but so far refuses to act.
So, I’m distancing myself because the frustration was making me desperately sad. When he finally comes round, which he’ll have to, I’ll do all I reasonably can to help.

Argh that sounds like a nightmare! Can you cut back on your involvement and set boundaries? I grew up as the kid in this sort of family set up which means I'm absolutely determined not to do the same thing to my child. So DD and my amazing DH come first.

Think of mental health like a broken leg. You wouldn't be physically running around after them if you'd broken your leg and they'd either have to manage or get other help.

Limit the visits. Decide what you're prepared to help with and what you're not. That'll vary depending on your circs etc but have a think. I only see mine a handful of times a year (she moans a lot about this) but I have zero desire to see more of her. I don't get involved in shopping or lifts to hospital (despite a lot of emotional blackmail!).

Stop answering the phone! I don't take calls during work and commuting hours. She's learnt she won't get an answer and just has to deal with that. I also don't allow family mealtimes to be interrupted. Or activities with child as that's a higher priority. If there's an emergency someone else can deal - we had one a few mins after I started work so phone was off and I didn't find out until eight hours later! She still got to hospital and dealt with. Using the VIP function on the phone to block calls helps - mine is set so that DD's school and DH can reach me, but no one else.

And you have no idea how long this will go on for. I'm the main breadwinner so I have to prioritise work and paying the mortgage above racing around after her. Otherwise my family would be homeless. You don't want to get to the point of being retired yourself and not paid enough pension contributions, or without secure accommodation or whatever.

Good luck! It's very hard to draw the boundaries and go against what still seems to be expected of daughters(!) but it is possible!

OP, we have a very similar situation. I'm an only child in my 40s with 3 kids and parents in their 80s. My parents were emotionally neglectful when I was growing up and I now find it tremendously difficult to be the attentive daughter they expect.

Raising your own kids constantly takes you back to your own childhood and as I go through each of my childrens milestones I remember my own. Let's just say none of it is positive!

Counselling has been a lifesaver for me or, as others have said, venting on here with people who understand.

Good luck x

To the PP who said they couldnt ignore endless phone calls from Mother. You really do have to otherwise you are just enabling this sort of behaviour. Who gives a stuff what the 'neighbours' think of it. You Mum should certainly not be pestering them about your whereabouts.

If your brother is there then just dont take the phone calls. She is safe, has a family member there. She doesnt need both of you at dare I say it her beck and call. Otherwise it will get worse and worse. I hate to say it although I honestly believe its true now. An awful lot of older people use emotional blackmail and the sad faces to get their children to do their bidding and who for all sorts of complex reasons put their own needs first.

I do remember a post a few years ago where a daughter who was run ragged by her Mother found out years later than her Mother had been offered carers, help, support and refused saying her daughter did it all...didnt tell the daughter anything at the time about extra support

To the PP who said they couldnt ignore endless phone calls from Mother. You really do have to otherwise you are just enabling this sort of behaviour. Who gives a stuff what the 'neighbours' think of it. You Mum should certainly not be pestering them about your whereabouts

That was me @Tracker1234. Thing is, mum is in the grey area of dementia where she is at home with 4x carers and ok generally, apart from days where she’s not. She can’t help forgetting that she’s already spoken to me today, or when she wakes up from a lucid dream thinking DB is outside the house locked out in the middle of the night. She does still worry about me and says “oh don’t drive over if the weather is bad” but doesn’t join the dots on who will get her shopping in because she can’t cope with receiving deliveries any more.

i care if she’s frightened and/or confused and/or anxious. The neighbours care too, between two households they’ve known her for over 50 years and are very fond of her, and they say they’re more than happy to settle her back in bed with a cup of tea when she goes to see them about something. It’s not their fault if mum goes to see them, and they’re doing the right thing by letting me know she’s going out in her nightie in the rain to knock on their door.

it’s not endless calls. It’s one or two a day at the moment, and I WFH so can usually answer straight away or call back quickly after a meeting She gets worse if DB is there, and DB thinks that some of the time she’s trying to work out who he is, which is rather upsetting for him. Which is probably why she calls me more for reassurance. But he’s now working abroad so it’s just me, and even one or two calls a day is oppressive, when combined with the stream of calls to/from the carer agency, the GP, the hospital, etc etc.

SW says she still has capacity to refuse residential care even though she doesn’t fully recognise the impact on me, so like a lot of people on this board I keep buggering on until a crisis develops and something will change.

There is a big difference between understanding why they are behaving the way they are and actually going through it.. the rudeness, demanding behaviour, constant phonecalls, telling me to shut up when they don’t like what I say, the constant phonecalls about their tv, the demands for particular foods that aren’t in stock..
I understand why they are the way they are but it doesn’t help me cope when they are so dam rude.. I have started getting up and leaving the house when they start but that just leads to a phonecall later in the day making up some excuse to demand more attention.
Simply not answering the phone isn’t always an option when they have heart condition and are at stroke risk.. what if I didn’t answer the phone and it was the one time they really needed help…
Years ago an older work colleague took early retirement to look after her Mother.. at the time I thought she was insane but now I so completely understand why she did it. There are only so many hours in the day.
Have no answers and this is a bit of a rant…

It's really, really tough. When my mother finally agreed to go into a (lovely) care home, our relationship improved so much as I became her daughter again, not her carer.

Huge sympathy to everyone going through this.
When my Dm with dementia was driving me mad, with the same thing over and over, I used to pretend I’d left something in the car, go and sit in it with Bohemian Rhapsody on loud, and have a really good SCREAM!!! - very therapeutic!

When FiL (also dementia) was living with us, and I was trying to work from home, he would ask the same question over and over - I once counted 35 times in one hour. I’m not the most patient person but somehow (I don’t know how!) I managed to make a sort of separate compartment in my head, where I could go on answering nicely but mechanically. I couldn’t show the slightest sign of irritation - he would fly into truly terrifying rages over the tiniest thing.

My poor Dbro - who was ‘Golden Boy’, not his fault - really suffered before DM finally moved to a care home - she would ring him literally 30 times in an hour - it was seriously starting to affect his MH. Once she was in the CH we were asked whether we wanted a phone in her room - answer was a resounding NO! Funnily enough, though, after the first week or so, when she was asking staff to ‘ring my son’ she soon forgot about ringing him at all.

I almost started this thread because I can't face the general one

I have stepped back from my mum, who is a lovely lady.

But we seem to have hit the point where I can't even have a general chat with her without crying or being irritable.

I just can't cope with having anyone around who needs me. Even if she hasn't needed anything for weeks. Just the fact of the burden on my mind is awful. And there's no one to help if I go away, so... I don't go away.

I admit it's mixed in with other problems but this is the one that tips me over the edge. Even when she's done nothing wrong or problematic.

The thing that finished me yesterday - I cried and cried - was she had a call that might be a scam but might genuinely be related to dad's estate.

I was left thinking 'he's been dead for five years and this shit is still following me around". (That's not the only outstanding matter from his estate).

I know someone will turn up and tell me what a nasty bitch I am. You either understand or you don't. I feel like my last good years are being taken away...and I have felt like that for years!

She doesn't mean to be depressing but even when in a good mood, all I hear about are her friends' ailments and crap about family members abroad. I didn't have kids because I didn't want to deal with a bunch of family crap. Also, it's a very backwards country, so I'm hearing things that piss me off.

it's like having a box marked "family crap" that you're not allowed to throw away and it takes up your whole flat.

She can't hear very well, can't watch TV as it hurts her eyes....I feel very sorry for her, i understand why she hasn't got anything to talk about but that's all the more reason we should talk less often?

I have come off medication because it had too many side effects but it can't help in a situation like this anyway.

Thank you for the thread OP. Maybe we could keep it as stand alone thread - to talk about the effect on us rather than include all the "what's happening with our oldies" information.

I'd find that helpful, maybe others would?

Sorry you’re still in the middle of having a tough time Emma.

You're not a nasty anything Emma. You're a normal caring human being. Don't beat yourself up. And these threads are very supportive - you won't get judged by us because we're all in the same boat.

Re: talking about her friends ailments - I don't know what it is with the elderly but they are absolutely obsessed with their health and if not theirs then their friends. It's bizzare. I guess it's because they don't have a lot else to talk about.

Has she had her hearing checked? Being hard of hearing is a strong marker for dementia, presumably because it isolates you from other people.

Emma, completely get what you're saying. Hopefully no idiot will come on and be horrible to you because you haven't said anything at all horrible. It's really really hard dealing with this stuff, and there's never an easy solution.
I felt really bad last week because I snapped at my mum just before leaving. Obviously my thoughts were around 'what if she dies and the last time she saw me I wasn't nice'. But I'm only bloody human and I can't, just can't, be nice all the bloody time!!! I've basically been pretty nice and dutiful for over 50 years! I've been very very supportive of her for the last 12 years. I really can't do any more!
So all that is just to say that, for what it's worth, you're not alone. Hope things get better.

Think everyone understands Emma!!

Yeah the doctor chat!!! Which Dr you saw / what meds they prescribed / the random side effects of the meds that my Dad found on Google / the car parking at hospital etc etc.

I've been having some severe aches and pains but I don't actually think there's anything wrong as such it's just the tension combined with endless medical chat is making me more aware of my own health. Maybe my body is trying to get me to pay attention to myself and my own needs.

I know I should invite them over for dinner this weekend but I'm having a really busy week and need a break. Then feel terrible they're stuck in the house, so will probably invite them.

Thanks everyone

As I say, I won't go on about the practicalities but she refuses a hearing check. Not bothered now, gives me an excuse to get off the phone.

OP can you do some stretching? Even a few minutes while the kettle boils might help. i used to be a gym bunny and stretching is under-rated IMHO. Even if you haven't worked out, a big stretch is always good. Or even just a little one.

Also, don't have them round for dinner if you don't want to, it's just spreading the misery. Will they just be miserable in your home? They might as well be miserable at theirs.

Re being nice, it's such a massive acting job a lot of the time, hence the stress. Like being in that mode at work.

funnel as you know the current situation, whatever she says, she doesn't really understand that recovery is far away and thinks I'll be back to normal any minute. Nor does she understand the "regret selling my home" grief which is IMMENSE right now.

Then she witters on about stuff I don't want to hear, I lose patience just listening, then burst into tears, she is baffled and says "oh my god, I can't say anything to you".

Well, yes. I would really rather not be contacted unless it's essential!

Emma - we all hear you we really do. Until someone has been through this endless support of parents they have NO idea what it means. Luckily I dont get stupid suggestions from siblings who live abroad which is a relief but Mum is on the cusp of being able to live indepentenly with me a couple of miles away (running her household, taking her calls, organising her days etc etc) and moving in a care home. She has already had a taste of one after a hospital visit and doesnt want to go but realistically we are way past that point.

NO ONE WANTS TO GO INTO A CARE HOME! PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE DOING THEIR OWN THING WITH DAUGHTERS DOING ALL THE HARD GRAFT. THEY DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT HAVING TO SORT ANYTHING OUT BUT NO WORRIES - DAUGHTER WILL DO ALL OF THAT. BETTER DO IT QUICKLY DEAR DAUGHTER OTHERWISE I WILL GET ANXIOUS. THEN I WILL NEED TO PUT ON THE SAD FACE AND MAKE A FEW PHONE CALLS TO YOU TO ENSURE THAT THIS IS TOP OF YOUR TO DO LIST.

I have read the riot act to Mum now. Really laid it down in black and white that if she didnt sort herself out she would be on her own and blow me she is OK at the moment. Lives in a retirement complex where someone goes in first thing in the morning to check on her. She then goes to have her lunch in the communal area and then scurries back to her room. Its fine. Very simple life but I am constantly on tenderhooks expecting her to do something daft (which of course she has done before but hopefully recognises that I wont tolerate it anymore)

If I didnt behave like this then we would spend hours talking about her 'feelings' and how it isnt fair that she is slightly imobile now and why its happening to her. Why not her I often tell her but she seems to think others should have health issues. She needs to be like she was 30 years ago but I close her down if she starts taking nonsense so on we go...

sorry that last post was much too long!

Emma, we do go away quite a bit. I reason that if anything happened and say she fell what can I do. Visit her in hopsital and take her some toiletries? Some people dont have anyone or their families have stepped back and let social services deal with their parents or just dont have the time to spend. When Mum was in hospital it was truly shocking. The women next to her had probably dementia and three nurses pulled the curtain around to change this lady. The smell is still with me. She was screaming the place down and when they finally came out they had a half bin bag (sadly clear) of pads, towels, cleaning wipes etc.

I also noticed that opposite Mum was a lady who just screamed the whole time. Mum said she did it all night. Nurses werent interested and of course busy with others. No Drs because they were on strike. I spoke to her and told her to stop shouting and annoying everyone else and what was wrong I spend about 15 mins talking to her and she loved the attention of someone. When I went to leave she started screaming again. I honestly dont know what the answer is but we cannot go on like this.

We have a shocking ticking time bomb coming with people living into very old age and who are patched up time and time again when they have no real quality of life (my late DF). He was in a terrible state when finally sepis got him but good for us he lived to nearly 90 according to the Doctor who spoke to me afterwards. I said my Father wanted to go years ago and would have been horrified and embarassed as to what eventually happened.

Re: talking about her friends ailments - I don't know what it is with the elderly but they are absolutely obsessed with their health and if not theirs then their friends. It's bizzare. I guess it's because they don't have a lot else to talk about. It’s also because it occupies a lot of our lives! DH is averaging two medical appointments a week at the moment, and his problems are having a real effect on his life. We can no longer book an event together because there’s a 50/50 chance he won’t be able to make it. Younger people will wonder why people your age are talking about their children and their friends children. Health talk is really boring if you aren’t yet into the spiral of increasing health problems that old age is all about. Just as caring for elderly parents talk is really boring if your parents are still in the endless holidays and long walks with the dog stage.

I haven't read everything, far from it, because I can't bear to hear it.
But in terms of mum in hospital, I'd never leave her alone for that unless she was unaware, like in a coma or something. Pp are lucky parents were asleep in A&E. I wouldn't leave anyone panicky and distressed in A&E. 22 hours last time, 18 hours the time before. I have a hip flask ready for the next one. For me, not her! 😂 i must sort out the food bag, I got caught out last time.

I've had to get her out of hospital twice, once into a nice care home and once just home. (Neighbours called ambulance that time, they meant well, but this is what happens if they can't reach me). She had a stroke before the care home, she wouldn't have known she could recuperate somewhere nice and certainly couldn't organise it.

I've had enough of my own experience of bad medical treatment to know not to leave her there - and to make sure the doctors don't subject her to unnecessary stress and painful procedures. I should have stepped in more when they were treating dad like a medical experiment. Also needed to speak sharply to idiotic staff trying to get him to walk when he couldn't sit up.

I'll leave the NHS rant for now. But I couldn't leave her there alone. Also - the other patients, screaming etc.

i'm now missing a nice nightie I gave to another patient, though I think I gained too much weight for it!