Your mental health when dealing with elderly parents

[Randomuser9876]

My parents are mid 80s - they've been staggering on for a few years, various health problems which needed help with (medical appointments etc) but could live with a degree of independance. I've always struggled with it a bit, I'm an only child and parents had me in their 40s so it's been a juggle dealing with elderly parents and young children. My F wasn't a good father I struggle to forgive and forget the emotional and physical abuse from my childhood. He's mellowed a bit bit still very controlling. Everything with my parents is negative / miserable. Despite being in a good situation financially they would hardly go on holiday or out for meals and they don't have many friends or any hobbies. As such me and the DC are their only source of entertainment.

It's been getting worse gradually over the last 10 years then about a year ago everything escalated suddenly - DM had a fall and now is only semi mobile. Although there's no reason she can't make a full recovery she seems to have given up on life, doesn't do her physio and pretty much refusues to go out or do anything. She is deaf but refuses to wear hearing aids.

I hate seeing them and find it almost traumatic. DM is like a different person, she was always v stoic but now just cries and talks about how she doesn't want to be here any more. I really miss my mum - the person who I could talk to and share my life with. There's so much moaning and complaining from my F who now has to do all the washing / shopping etc. I work FT and have 3 kids but he's always got it worse! I'm made to feel like they hardly see us although I go round a couple of times a week for a drop in and about once a week for dinner or a longer stay. I do half their shopping for them and take them to most medical appointments.

I find after I've seen them my mood is so low, I drink more than I planned, even get physical aches and pains which I'm fairly convinced are due to the tension. I'm sick of being the strong one.

Don't know what I'm asking really but do others have the same? Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad. My friends all have younger parents and not at this stage yet. How do you manage your mental health while dealing with this stress? They could be here another 10 years + and I'm not sure what will be left of me.

There is so much guilt surrounding it all. I am starting to wonder about it all.

My colleague told me once that teenagers have to get so awful that you can’t wait to be rid of them out of the house, that if they stayed cute babies, we would never let them go so it’s natures way of moving you on to the next stage.

I must ask him his opinion on this stage!

When I was frequently driven to the point of wanting to scream, or worse - by my mother with dementia going on and on and ON about something that was entirely in her own head (e.g. her sister having ‘stolen’ their mother’s house, neighbours’ son having ‘stolen’ her garage, I used to pretend I’d left something in the car, go and sit in it for 5 minutes with Bohemian Rhapsody on LOUD - and have a really good SCREEEAAM!
Very therapeutic! Not sure it did my ears much good though….

(Pre dementia she’d given him permission to use her garage, having given up her car at over 80.)

To put it bluntly, modern medical care means we're dealing with a lot of stuff that wouldn't have been an issue for much earlier generations. It's that extending life rather than quality of life. Plus the medical profession insisting on treating everything instead of letting nature take its course (Shipman hasn't helped with that one either).

Caring for someone briefly, who has remained relatively fit and then dies of a short illness like pneumonia, is so very different to the years of hard graft being done by many carers.

Last year DM insisted Madonna had died and wouldnt have it that she hadnt. #
Last weekend ditto Michael Crawford

I realised today that I've been putting off ringing DM by doing washing up, ironing and some filing instead. I also realised that I enjoy all of those more than the phone call!

Ditto! I do the same!!

I'm another struggling with the impact my family members have on my mental health.

I live almost 4 hours from them (DM and DB). It's a toxic and unpleasant situation. Family want me to leave DH to move where they live and be their carer/slave. DH is aware and we're making damn sure that doesn't happen.

DM has cancer (timescale not known but likely < 1 year based on type) and various other health issues. Cognitively no issues but likely has always had some personality "issues". It's complicated, very! I'm the scapegoat, DB is golden boy and despite living 20 mins away he's not to be troubled/ too busy if something needs doing.

DM is negative beyond belief about everything and has been my entire life. It's so hard to deal with. The negativity has definitely gotten worse with age and more health issues. Like many others she also won't do anything to improve her situation 😞 whether physically by doing gentle exercise or in terms of social contact etc.

I'm absolutely destroyed after any contact, anxiety before and after goes through the roof, jump out my skin if the phone rings, dread phone calls but am getting a lot better at the grey rock technique.

I'm absolutely dreading what happens next. Her cancer or other health issues are likely to kill her sooner than later and I very much hope for her sake it's quick and painless but I also know that if things get bad I absolutely can't and won't move in with her and be the emotional punchbag / carer. l'd last less than 24 hours 😞 . I've been that punchbag for the last 35-40 years and I just can't and won't do it anymore. If that makes me an awful person so be it. After counselling I realised my family and DM in particular would never change.

Good luck OP and everyone else in such situations.

I just want to thank previous posters as much of what you say is so true with the situation I am now in with two nearly 90-year-old parents with advanced dementia, frailty, mobility issues, and double incontinence.
One parent, Dad, is in a nursing home as Mum couldn't cope with his aggression, wandering, and peeing/pooping everywhere.
Now Mum has post-stroke dementia, and we are facing similar. She cannot move far without assistance, which on one hand is great as she cant wander, but on the other, relies on family to lift and transfer her to commodes, change incontinence pads, wipe bottoms etc. On top of tasks of daily living which she is unable to do.

I remember Mum being very authoritarian, my way or no way in the past as a child. One phrase she kept using, and still does, was barking to us 'wait, wait, wait'. She also wants things done IMMEDIATELY...and starts to scream for attention. No amount of rationalisation, placating, or logic works...so I use the phrase 'wait, wait, wait' back to her, and it seems to work, albeit with verbal abuse from her. I quietly say well you taught us mum..

I also work online at home and can't be interrupted with clients on video calls. I have found temporarily detaching the landline phone from the socket helpful when she tries to phone to moan about stuff in the middle of online meetings.

Theres three words that come to mind dealing with elderly parents with dementia...dont give in to FOG....Fear..Obligation..Guilt. Strict boundaries are the way forward.

No emotional dumping from family as well.

JFC, @Ree1234, that sounds horrific. Why are family doing all the personal care?

The negative parenting dynamics really come back and bite don't they?

Thanks Cerulean blue. Its because the UK social care system is broken, and its left to family to care.