Your mental health when dealing with elderly parents

[Randomuser9876]

My parents are mid 80s - they've been staggering on for a few years, various health problems which needed help with (medical appointments etc) but could live with a degree of independance. I've always struggled with it a bit, I'm an only child and parents had me in their 40s so it's been a juggle dealing with elderly parents and young children. My F wasn't a good father I struggle to forgive and forget the emotional and physical abuse from my childhood. He's mellowed a bit bit still very controlling. Everything with my parents is negative / miserable. Despite being in a good situation financially they would hardly go on holiday or out for meals and they don't have many friends or any hobbies. As such me and the DC are their only source of entertainment.

It's been getting worse gradually over the last 10 years then about a year ago everything escalated suddenly - DM had a fall and now is only semi mobile. Although there's no reason she can't make a full recovery she seems to have given up on life, doesn't do her physio and pretty much refusues to go out or do anything. She is deaf but refuses to wear hearing aids.

I hate seeing them and find it almost traumatic. DM is like a different person, she was always v stoic but now just cries and talks about how she doesn't want to be here any more. I really miss my mum - the person who I could talk to and share my life with. There's so much moaning and complaining from my F who now has to do all the washing / shopping etc. I work FT and have 3 kids but he's always got it worse! I'm made to feel like they hardly see us although I go round a couple of times a week for a drop in and about once a week for dinner or a longer stay. I do half their shopping for them and take them to most medical appointments.

I find after I've seen them my mood is so low, I drink more than I planned, even get physical aches and pains which I'm fairly convinced are due to the tension. I'm sick of being the strong one.

Don't know what I'm asking really but do others have the same? Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad. My friends all have younger parents and not at this stage yet. How do you manage your mental health while dealing with this stress? They could be here another 10 years + and I'm not sure what will be left of me.

Often, the call buzzers go to a call centre which calls relatives

Oh really I didn't know that. Mine with dad's goes to somewhere nearby to him but he is in Scotland and I am SW England. He does have carers from SS though so maybe it is to do with that.

Cheaper for the supplier to rely on calling relatives with ambulance as backstop. Expensive to have a team of people permanently on call to pick up elderly peoplf off the floor. Before our LA would give one to my father, I had to give the name and contact details of two (or was it three?) local friends/relatives, living in separate households.

They have our contact details too, maybe it is because Dad is in Scotland and under social services care.

My mum was physically ok (most of the time) and 'able' but the mental load and emotional strain was horrendous. My DB (and wife) moved 100 miles away so the burden was left to me (single parent, 2 dc, full time new job). I was the bad one for not taking the whole day off for a hospital trip. I was bad mouthed to the family for not calling in every night on my way home from work (en route to the cm to pick the DC up?!). I was the one who did all the shitty jobs - fixing stuff, ordering stuff, shopping for EXACTLY the right thing and getting an earful for not buying the right bloody crumpets. Needless to say my sibling can do no wrong.

There's no easy fix I don't think op. I went NC after a particularly nasty comment but was guilted into stepping up again as golden child could/would not. But I was very clear about what I was prepared to offer, and that I wasn't going to take any crap for what I DIDNT do (when sibling did NOTHING).

Just read this whole thread and sympathise with all of you dealing with your elderly parents. I’m in the same boat, my dad is 90 and my mum 87 both still living in their own home. My DB lives a few hours away and has been NC for about 20 years, apart from the odd card here and there, he has nothing to do with them. I’m the go to everything. The constant drs appointments, the shopping, the general crap they need help with. I don’t have a specific point but it’s wearing me down. I avoid answering the phone as we go from one issue to the next, all equally as urgent ( but never really are). I say I can’t do stuff on a specific date/time and then I get a call can I help when I’ve already said no. My mum is by far the worst , says things like ‘what would I do without you’ the expectation is there all the time. My dad god love him isn’t the problem. I feel like they think I am waiting at home for something to do. There is never any willingness to get a taxi to the drs, they have the funds to do it but don’t. It’s always, we will wait for you. I don’t want to be the one they wait for all the time. It’s good to write it down if nothing else.

So sorry for all of you dealing with all of these difficulties. I read these threads to remind myself that DH and I must not become a burden to our respective children. I'm 76 and he's 86 , but still doing pretty well. Best wishes to you all.

Its v hard 10+ yrs of it with dad. Op you can only do so much. Our mam is 80s they be happy to run ya ragged. My sister does a day and I do too. Our own families too. Find Im tired from it all at times

Just don't drive them. Let them get a taxi.
Stop being your mum's doormat. Tell her you have a sickness bug and don't want to pass it on.
A migraine. Or you feel dizzy and can't drive.
Or just say you will order the taxi.

This.

haven't read whole thread, will when I get time. I am currently doing a lot more for my parents than I planned with very little thanks - it almost feels like when I do shopping or cooking for them my mum resents it and feels bad so doesn't even thank me properly, just goes a bit sulky and quiet.

They don't want to admit they are old so will never access any of the things that might give them some social contact, they won't downsize and are now no longer well enough too so are living in a huge house, they don't care for their dog properly and they would live off biscuits if they could.

I am in the process of extracting myself after very much overcommitting, they are wealthy and can afford to pay for things like cleaners and decent food, they just would prefer that I did it because again, it means they aren't old they just have a very nice daughter who helps them out sometimes.

Rant over.

In terms of managing it, I am currently researching therapists and massage for myself!

@Poettree I think you’ve understood the position very well!

@MereDintofPandiculation Thanks to everyone on here.... it is good to have somewhere to rant.

I just found this thread and know it's 6 months old but as others have posted recently, I thought I'd post a reply.

To the OP, I hope you are ok. I actually started reading this thread and thought it was one I'd started! I literally couldnhave written it word for word. I am an only child and coping with 2 elderly parents who are becoming more and more isolated and needing care.

I feel so exhausted and worn down with the constant worry and anxiety, and my mum's constant complaining every day about things like a gardener not answering her calls, 'how stressful a bus journey with a diversion was', and an overanalysis of how to get somewhere because refuse to use taxis (I don't drive, that's another story for another time!).

Any time she or my dad has a medical ailment I get the full rundown nunerous times a week, usually at an inappropriate time like in the middle of my children's sports day yesterday, startrd going on to me about my dad's sore foot.

She now wants me, my DH and all 3 kids to go on holiday with them both so she gets a break. She wants DH and I to care for my dad as well as entertain 3 children.

I love my parents but I am so worn down.

@Frazzledmummy123 so sorry to read what you're going through with your elderly parents.
You're certainly on the right page to read what others are doing and feeling as we navigate this most difficult of circumstances.

For me it came completely out of the blue with my elderly mother after a fall in her home in March. This was followed by a stay in hospital, followed by a package of care provided by the NHS when she came home, followed by her becoming a self funder then having to find a care provider to provide her care.

All extremely stressful & we're only three months in.
I really feel your stress and frustration.

Frazzled - its really difficult and the complaining and dare I say it very selfish behaviour by our elderly parents who become massively self absorbed with their own needs is very tricky to handle. With regard to the phone calls and the need to go through finer details of various aliments can be handled. Had this with my very elderly Mum. You honestly need to led the conversations as opposed to your Mum going on about things she wants to talk about. Dont answer the call if its not convienent. If its really really urgent you will be found!

I have a friend whose Mother uses her as a listening post every day. She literally goes on and on and friend doesnt have the heart to manage these conversations so on they go.

As for the holidays. Its will be horrible for all of you. Your Mum will be lording it over everyone and expecting you to do all the organising and looking after your Dad to give her a break. There are plenty of other options but I can almost guarantee they wont be acceptable to her.

Its a stressful time for all.

Sorry to hear what you have been through, that sounds very stressful! I hope things don't get too stressful for you in the coming months. It is such an anxious and stressful time, and you need time for yourself and your own life too. Life becomes such a big juggling act when you have parents or a parebt needing care. Hugs ❤

I agree, they can be so consumed by their own needs that they can act quite self-absorbed and seem to forget that other people have their own problems.

Re your friend, that almost sounds like my situation although it isn't every single day thankfully. It is very difficult to manage, and no.doubt, she'd be made to feel bad if she addressed it.

Yes, my mum wouldn't accept any other options and her plan is to land it all on me. I obviously don't mind helping her out when needed, but I feel that her request for the holiday is unmanagable, especially for my kids. What irks me the most is they haven't been on holiday for a few years over the head of stubborness because she wouldn't allow my dad (who does everything she says) to use a walking frame which would have allowed a holiday to happen, no carers needed. Now, she has relented to the frame, but wants us to tag along with the kids to be the carers because she is desperate for a holiday.

We dont do holidays frankly we need our own breaks. Siblings feel same. She rang me yest rambling on. Told her I had an apt. Wonder will I be this self absorbed! Didnt even ask how we were lol. 80s

my first instinct is that you are lucky you are hundreds of miles away.

I have a friend who's just about to enter her 70's - lives with her autistic son. She doesn't have a mobile or know how to use one; he does, but won't use it, only has it for the camera. She still does telephone banking, has no idea how to do online banking or how to do anything online except use Amazon to order books.

I'm a little bit younger but have kids who force me to keep up with technology. I'm trying to persuade her to get a mobile and learn how to do things online, but she's so set in her ways that it's painful. Maybe my kids are doing the right thing by bullying (not really) me into learning how to do the basics to keep up with being able to online shop and book things.

These threads are useful to me for keeping an eye on my own behaviour!

Hi! I'm the OP - really grateful for people for sharing experiences. 6 months down the line and no change.

I feel like a monster at times as find my parents so annoying. My DM is literally a different person, I don't know where my real mother has gone and who this new person is who spouts nonsense. Immense guilt I don't see her more but work FT and obv kids need me. On days off / weekends I need a break and she's hard work.

My Dad has endless medical issues which he frets about (this isn't an old age thing as has always been like this but worse with declining health) every conversation about Drs, Hospitals, etc etc and he always knows better than them and thinks the medication or diagnosis is wrong.

I try and set boundries but the landscape changes so often I can't ever really be fixed about it.

Sometimes I think I'll be better off when they're gone as won't have it hanging over me but equally they're my only family and don't want to be a 40 something orphan! Wahhh.

Strength to you all and persmission to find it REALLY HARD.

@Randomuser9876 good to hear from you 6 months down the line with your update.
I firmly believe that a problem shared is a problem halved and for me that is definitely true.
I'm just over three months in to being a carer for my mother and at times it's been really hard, but you keep going knowing that you're one of many many thousands doing exactly the same thing.

Good luck in the coming weeks and months.
Your original message helped me a lot.

God this is so similar to my life raising disabled teenagers