🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

It does sound like they are enabling each other’s poor decision making.

Regarding the doctor, I think all you can do is send their GP emails or letters with your concerns and your observations. Eg noting that your parents are unable to comply with referrals to other services as you mums memory is so poor she doesn’t even remember her original GP appointment let alone manage the administration of another appointment. Similarly if you are able to contact their social worker if/when you think their capacity declines.

I probably have been ground down to be heartless by now, but my honest opinion would be to decide between you and your siblings on what is reasonable to do for your parents and then “grey rock” your way through anything that goes beyond what you’re prepared to do. And make peace with the prospect that you are indeed waiting for a crisis - from what you’re saying it sounds like if one of them was hospitalised the other would not manage on their own. Sorry you’re where you are.

The whole 'capacity' thing drove me to madness. My mum was fine about financial stuff but total refusal re anything to do with health. And she was so good at masking so even when I did manage to get a doctor to see her, I'd just be told she was fine.... Until the inevitable crisis hit.

Feeling proud of myself.

Odd phone call from DM this afternoon, her stairlift isn't working. Instead of getting in the car and driving over (two hours, snow and ice on the roads, would have to stay overnight then work from there tomorrow and come back tomorrow evening), I told her to get her bedtime carer to check it's plugged in/switched on, and if he can't get it working again I'll call the company in the morning.

I still have a nagging feeling as anything going "wrong" with the house throws Mum off and makes her dementia worse - it's odds on she'll go round to a neighbour and ask them for help but they all have my number anyway so I can tell them the same thing.

Go Funnelfan. Well done.

Well done Funnelfan!

Well done funnel fan. Bloody hard, well done.

My DM fell over on Sunday morning and banged her head on the wooden arm of a chair, cutting it open. DSis said there was a lot of blood but no concussion. She fell over again twice this morning, this time banging her face. I'm amazed she hasn't broken anything yet, I'm so worried that it's just a matter of time before she does. If she's only walking a short distance she doesn't use her walking frame, which more & more results in a fall.

I don't know what we can do. DSis and DBil are adamant that they want her at home with them (where she's been for 3 years) rather than being looked after by strangers. I just know it's a lot of strain on them, especially on DSis.

Nothing you can do MissMarplesNiece. Entirely with your sister to manage this risk if she’s insistent on your mum being there and not wanting help from carers.

i had a call from mums favourite carer who spotted the switch had been turned off on the stairlift. All is well and he left mum tucked up in bed warm and cosy. Relieved but I was obviously less calm than i realised as am feeling a bit shaky and light headed which is my usual post anxiety reaction these days. Oh well, a step in the right direction anyway.

@funnelfan That shaky, lighted headed anxiety feeling is horrible, I know it well.

Well done @funnelfan !

One thing I learned about stairlifts was that “24 hour careline” means you can contact them 24 hours a day. Engineers still work a strict 8.30 to 4.00

One thing I learned about stairlifts was that “24 hour careline” means you can contact them 24 hours a day. Engineers still work a strict 8.30 to 4.00

I think it's an "it depends" situation. When it actually broke down last year, we called the installers (UK Stairlifts) and they provided an engineer subcontractor who was happy to come out of hours. Turned out to be flat batteries, and we should have been getting it checked/serviced every couple of years but it was installed years ago when parents were compus mentis and I never knew or added it to my mental "to-do" list.

That "mental to do" list is so long.....

My parents stair lift broke down the other week - I was fully expecting it to be operator error but to be fair a) an engineer turned up the same day, Dad rang at 8am and he came at about 7pm and b) it was a fault with a part so they fixed it under the warranty. Age UK. Surprisingly positive experience.

The scary stairlift breakdown is when it breaks down halfway down the stairs which happened to DM. She was fitter then and got down with much assistance - goodness knows what would happen these days, I think it might be a fire Brigade rescue.

@funnelfan another one recognising that shaky feeling….
Stress. Well done for sitting that one out.
Re fire brigade- after a very memorable occasion when both my dm and her v elderly neighbour were both on the floor, fire brigade were called as neighbours son ex fire brigade and were there within minutes, able to do basic checks and also get both off the floor safely. The ambulance got diverted and arrived hours later..
dm was delighted by the nice young men in uniforms…

When I was teaching I had a student who had an electric wheelchair that was very heavy. We were in a first floor classroom and the lift broke down. The fire Brigade had to come and carry chair, with student insitu, down a flight of stairs. It didn't help that the student was in fits of laughter.

There should be a hole which you can insert a handle into and wind the thing safely to the bottom (or top if it’s nearer). It’s an obvious danger, so has been designed for

@MereDintofPandiculation Thank's for that useful info.

DM has a stairlift and I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of it stopping half way up! I think she gets it serviced regularly, though.

Does anyone on here who has POA have any experience of Scottish Widows? DH and BIL are the attorneys for MIL but I tend to end up sorting bits of financial admin. We need to liberate a policy to pay for the live-in carer that she’s finally agreed to have, and I was wondering how much of a pain they are. They told DH on the phone that he had to send the original: I discovered that their website allows for a certified copy, so have sent that but am expecting hassle.

Certified copy is usually fine. Don’t let the original out of your sight, if you lose that how are you going to get any more certified copies?

My experience with all firms is that they will put their maximum demand up front but will often cave to a lot less if you push back.

One of dh's accounts asked for 13 pieces of paper evidence before they would release it to me. A few weeks later they got in touch to ask why I hadn't responded. 'I've only got four of the 13 so far,' I said. 'Oh that'll probably do,' they said, and it did. So sending a copy is a good idea.

Id also say do scan it in somewhere. A surprising proportion of organisations will accept a scanned copy. The best one to accept a scan was the solicitor in a far distant town that we guessed was the one our Mum had lodged her will with. We were right first time in finding it.

I wouldn’t dream of letting the original out of my sight!

Thanks, @PermanentTemporary. Good advice on the scan, I’ll do that. I also discovered (and am mentioning in case it’s any help to anyone else on this thread) that even if you have an old style paper LPA, if it was registered after 2016 you can get a magic code off the Office of the Public Guardian so that financial services firms can check the detail online. I have no idea how many firms actually know about this and use it, but it sounds potentially very helpful.

DH had to explain to the staff in NatWest, FILs public sector pension provider and the care home about the code last year!

Useful tips and info.