🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@funnelfan I've changed name for this post - too outing otherwise..

The mysteries of the brain. Yes indeed! My dm (in hospital) asked me one day whether it might have been true, or whether it was a dream that there had been a dog on her bed. I replied that it was most likely a dream as although there might be therapets or other visiting dogs, I didn't think they'd be allowed on the bed. dm's reply: "oh that's a a relief, because there were 5 of them, one of them was blue, and they were helping me to complete the crossword on the computer." Me: "yes, most likely a dream then"

And df, who had no dementia but was suffering a series of small strokes: His confusion first emerged when he called a neighbour to say he was having problems going to the toilet - well yes, Jim, you've got your trousers on back to front so you can't undo your fly. He went to hospital and it turned out that under his back-to-front trousers he was also wearing 3 pairs of pants. Like he kept thinking he'd better get dressed and put his pants on, not realising that he was already wearing a pair (or two).

Over the next couple of weeks, each successive stroke seems to fry that particular part of his brain a little more each time and most of his utter confusion was about putting on his underwear or pjs. The morning before he went to hospital for the last time, he called me to help out as he was having a problem - both feet in the same leg of his pants and no capacity to understand what the problem was or how to resolve it. "What is going wrong here, every time I pull my pants up, they don't fit properly." Yet later that night when the ambulance came he could put his socks on, recognise his jumper was inside out and sort it out, tie his shoes laces. Just not his pants. Who knew we even had a 'pants' department in our brain!

It's funny how specific these things can be. I remember a neurology study a while ago on category loss, and there were lots of cases where, for example, people completely lost the ability to remember fruits but had no problem whatsoever with vegetables (to my disappointment, they didn't report specific results for tomatoes and rhubarb).

With my stepdad it's mouth-related things. Food, drink, tablets, mouthwash... when he's having a confused spell they are the first things to go.

Not physical swallowing difficulty, but just completely baffled by the whole concept. He'll look at a sandwich and have absolutely no idea what it is or what to do with it. And when prompted, will respond 'Eat it?!' in a tone that suggests you recommended snacking on a bathmat, or taking a bite of a mathematical theorum.

The exception is biscuits. Always fine with biscuits - sweet or savoury.

So bizarre isn’t it. MiL also had visiting dogs at one point, there were no dogs but she would say ‘look he is outside now, poor thing, someone needs to look after him’ I attributed it to old memories where she once had to give away a beloved family dog. Whole family were so upset🙁.

I'm new here, but pleased to find you all.
I've not had a chance to read the posts but wanted to say hi.
In the last 4 weeks MIL had fallen 3 times, one include aa huge hajj on the head and 5 nights in hospital.
She fell yesterday evening. DH dashed there (half hour drive) and sleeve an hour trying to get in as she'd left keys in all the doors. 😩
He was about to call 999 and she managed to get one key or with he help is an extending arm tool. All the while she's on the floor and getting exhausted.
She won't have carers in more than one a day!
She's nearly 96!

Welcome @AllEars112232 , sounds like you’re going through a worrying time. my mum does the thing of leaving keys in the doors too. We took away all her keys for one door which is the one the carers use.

i take it your MIL don’t have a fall alarm? My mums area has a falls team that actually send out someone if the alarm goes off, which is helpful as i live 100 miles away. She does forget to wear it though.

Hi, @AllEars112232 . Congratulations to her on making it to 96! Appreciate it must be a worry to the rest of you.

I’m assuming she has the capacity to understand the risks of staying in her own home.

Extra carers won’t stop her falling, but it will mean she’s found quicker. There are other means to achieve that. A fall alarm is the obvious. There are also techie solutions, like a floor sensor in, say, the kitchen door so if she hasn’t stepped on it for a while, you know she may have fallen, or a camera you can use with her permission to see where she is and what’s happened. She needs to stop leaving keys in doors, what about a hook in each door frame that she can hang the key on? A key safe outside means you could let the emergency services in without having to trog over there every time.

Does she know how to get herself up? Crawl to sturdy chair or similar, get on to knees, arms on to chair, one foot under you, push up.

It was the increasing falls that convinced my father that a care home might be a good idea - in his case an emergency admission to a nursing home, coincidentally also at 96. He’s still there 5 years later.

One big thing we're finding at the moment is that professionals insist on mum making her own appointments or they ring her and tell her about an appointment. She then forgets about it. Is there any process whereby we can be notified so that there's actually some hope of her actually attending? Because neither she or my dad will give consent to GP etc they don't talk to us or notify us of anything and we're finding letters that are weeks old.

@Lightuptheroom would she sign a letter to say you can access her records via the NHS app. DH has that for my MiL, he says it is a bit fiddly, but he has added his mobile number somehow too. @AllEars112232 welcome, 96 is to be congratulated. Re the falls, Can you get a key safe? Then you can can store a spare set and the safe code can be shared with falls alarm people, and emergency services etc. Falls are such a worry. Combined with many other health worries and dementia MiL is now in a nursing home, she says have a falls alarm and was on the waiting list for a falls Matt. Sadly when she fell last time she managed to break the alarm, pull the phone out of the wall and had no idea what the thing on her wrist was…. BUT I put that down to dementia and bad luck, and maybe some weird determination on her part that she could manage without help.

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation and @Juneday
We have most of those things in place already.
The issue was she left the key in the lock. DH is going to now change the door mechanism so she does not need to lock with a key, and we can get in when needed.
She had a pendant but that's no good if the door is locked!!
Hey ho! Thank you for your comments 😊

DH is going to now change the door mechanism so she does not need to lock with a key Check with her insurance company. Better to pay higher premiums or tolerate a higher excess than to face a refusal to pay out when the payment is needed because you no longer have a 5 lever mortice lock or whatever.

Mum had a mortice lock rather than a Yale. She would leave the key in the lock so she could find it - I tied it onto the handle with a piece of string so it was still there but hopefully not left in the lock. I kept key turners in my handbag, supposedly you can use them from outside to unlock the door by turning the key that's in the door. I can't say how well they worked because I never had to use them.

(Old hand to this thread but mostly out of the game now with the remaining family member now in residential care)

On the key thing. We did all of the things suggested above - tied the key on a string to the handle, put a hook up for the key etc. Reminded her not to leave the key in the lock and why. None of it stopped her leaving the key in the locks all the time, hence the only solution for one door was to remove all her keys and place one in the keysafe for the carers. DB and I also have them and we all know that's the one door we can get in!

Thank you for the warning. Insurance is his business he'll be all over that!

Get the inside changed to a thumb turn. You still have the five lever etc lock but there is no keyhole on the inside so they can't leave a key in the lock. Key works as normal on the outside. Inside you just lock and unlock by turning the thumb turn.

This is also safer in everybody's home in the event of a fire as it's quick and easy to escape.

I have power of attorney and I’ve asked the various medical agencies to send appointment letters to me, as if they go to mum’s she buries them in piles of very important paperwork from the 1960’s. Sometimes accidentally or sometimes if she doesn’t like the sound of the appointment, on purpose.
It usually works…

I had mums front door lock changed to one with a thumb turn from inside. It stil meets insurance requirements but means I can’t be locked out if there’s an emergency. She doesn’t need a key for her front door now but I and my brother have keys.

@greenbeansnspinach unfortunately neither of my parents will consent to POA as they've convinced themselves that all their friends children have used it to have someone 'put in a home' DF won't even agree to 3rd party access to his bank account so we're stuck in an endless round of forgetting pin numbers and obsessing about obtaining bank statements (obsessed about this for hours) plus as the social worker says they both have capacity there's nothing we can do. This system really is set up that it only actually does anything in the event of a major crisis.

Oh no … how blooming awful for you! I wonder, if your GP surgery is sympathetic (make a face to face appointment and cry) they might agree to send you duplicate appointment letters? I expect you’ve tried everything though. We were absolutely amazed that mum eventually agreed to power of attorney after months and months of similar “you’ll put me in a home (and worse”) type arguments. I suppose if there are two of them they are buoying each up in their resistance …

@Lightuptheroom the bank statement, obsessing over, situation is very familiar. Mum used to ring the bank every week demanding fresh bank statements which she claimed had never arrived. Hours of conversations about bank statements and how she needed them and looking at her bank statement online was never good enough. Now the bank won’t take instructions from her any more. Poor mum.

while your parents have capacity there is absolutely nothing you can do. Even if you hold PoA you can’t use it to step in and save themselves from a bad decision if they’re competent to make that decision, no one can.

@Lightuptheroom have your parents actually talked to a solicitor about PoA and have them explain the advantages and what will happen if they don’t have one in place if they become too infirm to manage their own affairs? And that they can include their wishes in the PoA if they have specific concerns? I’d be tempted to not help/listen if they have bank or doctor issues and just say if you don’t trust me to hold PoA, why do you trust me to help you now?

Their GP isn't ours as despite there being 6 children we are all spread all over the country and even the world, so it's all had to be emails and phone calls.. because both of them told their GP not to talk to us then they won't, so they miss appointments and round we go in a big circle. When I complained to their GP under their duty of care, the senior partner rang me up screaming and shouting that we had nothing to complain about and he didn't care as he was leaving anyway...so not the best of relationships there.
We were encouraged last week that the GP did a referral to the older people community mental health team but then discouraged again when we realised that we had no way of knowing when this appointment might even take place and mum couldn't remember going to the GP by Tuesday morning . Their GP likes to go on about informed consent , so that makes us wonder what will happen when she refuses this appointment!

@funnelfan they won't speak to a solicitor at all

Oh that must be so frustrating.

It's like they've decided between them that they're the only ones who know how to do anything.. when my mum hears that we've been working the comment is 'oh well, it gets you out of the house' She won't get in my dad's car, or my sister's car...
Dad's at the point where he reads something and doesn't understand it. So he asks my mum to ring one of us (he's very deaf won't touch the phone) her response is f off do it yourself. So, by the time we see a letter, it can be weeks old

I like what @funnelfan said:
"I'd be tempted to not help/listen if they have bank or doctor issues and just say if you don’t trust me to hold PoA, why do you trust me to help you now?
I wish I had used that again and again
@Lightuptheroom Commiserations.