Elderly mother makes me feel suffocated and I feel like a bitch

[RoloChocoloco]

I’m just posting for somewhere to vent really and to see if I’m the only one who feels this way.

It’s what the tile says really. I feel completely suffocated by my Mum aged 80 but I always have done.
She’s now moved into a house very close to me and it’s even worse.
We’re very different people and don’t really have much in common. I’m an only child and I know our relationship is massive disappointment to her.

She is constantly emotionally blackmailing me about how much I see and speak to her and has also started doing this to my children 12, 17 & 22 which is making me feel really angry.
The more she does this the less time we want to spend with her.
I have tried to talk to her frankly about it and asked that she lets them come to her when they have time and really want to see her instead of from feeling guilty. She says she doesn’t care if they feel guilty as long as she gets to see them. The same applies to me I guess.
She has never made any proper effort to maintain friendships and any she does have are very one sided, she’ll pick and choose when she can be bothered. As a result she only has me and the GC who she tries to live her life through.
There are some very complex emotional issues going on for me as I don’t feel as if I have ever been able to get away from her.
She has never been abusive just manipulative but when I try to explain this to people I sound like a complete bitch.
Sorry for the long rant and thanks for taking the time to read.

It’s very hard, because you don’t lose your love for your children just because they’re grown up. They still feel part of you, they’re still the most important people in your life apart from maybe your partner. So it takes quite an effort to realise they have their own lives, and you are only a very minor part.

Every day you are presented new evidence of your body packing up. And every day a pain somewhere. Because you don’t have the energy you used to, you’re spending more time on your own, more time to brood.

So not surprising the elderly become difficult and the unpleasant elderly become more unpleasant.

Very draining Mere. My poor sister is run ragged. My friends mams dont behave like that. So entitled too.

i feel you, i could of wrote this but my mother is only 66, it’s driving me nuts, my aniexty is through the roof constantly! she rings me a few times a day, always texting and lands uninvited about 3-4 times a week, when i mention it to her she takes a huff, then gets jealous of the time i spend with my sister friends, partner. i too feel like a right bitch, did you manage to ever sort this out? if so i’d really appreciate your advice xx

My mother is the same.

She just wants to sit at home and have family with her as much as she can, but every visit is so joyless and emotionally draining, she is so negative and bitter, there is no pleasant conversation, she just talks at you the whole time, the same anecdotes I have heard for the past 50 years, so I avoid going unless I have too.

When I do visit it's almost impossible to get away as she waits until you get to the door and either launches into a new tirade, or suddenly finds some household job she needs help with to keep you there longer.

If I could just drop in for a cuppa and a pleasant chat a few times a week and not have to have an exit plan for every visit so it isn't dragged out to 2 hours then I would visit more often.

Yes very tiring. I visit tomorrow but I dont stay hours. Moods prone to changing too.. its hard work. 80s