Elderly mother makes me feel suffocated and I feel like a bitch

[RoloChocoloco]

I’m just posting for somewhere to vent really and to see if I’m the only one who feels this way.

It’s what the tile says really. I feel completely suffocated by my Mum aged 80 but I always have done.
She’s now moved into a house very close to me and it’s even worse.
We’re very different people and don’t really have much in common. I’m an only child and I know our relationship is massive disappointment to her.

She is constantly emotionally blackmailing me about how much I see and speak to her and has also started doing this to my children 12, 17 & 22 which is making me feel really angry.
The more she does this the less time we want to spend with her.
I have tried to talk to her frankly about it and asked that she lets them come to her when they have time and really want to see her instead of from feeling guilty. She says she doesn’t care if they feel guilty as long as she gets to see them. The same applies to me I guess.
She has never made any proper effort to maintain friendships and any she does have are very one sided, she’ll pick and choose when she can be bothered. As a result she only has me and the GC who she tries to live her life through.
There are some very complex emotional issues going on for me as I don’t feel as if I have ever been able to get away from her.
She has never been abusive just manipulative but when I try to explain this to people I sound like a complete bitch.
Sorry for the long rant and thanks for taking the time to read.

That kind of manipulation is abusive though, particularly if she was like that when you were a child. She relies on you feeling like "a bitch" in order to get you to do stuff.
It is a hard situation to deal with and I have found psychotherapy/counselling really helpful to deal with this. It is likely that you may discover that ways she has behaved that you think totally "normal" are actually outrageously bullying.

I've just put this link on another thread. You may find these podcasts helpful.

https://spotify.link/uRxhBylFbEb

Thanks for the reply @EducatingArti and I’ll have a listen to the podcasts. It’s so very difficult isn’t it.

Manipulating you and your children is abuse. You will get some great advice here about setting firm boundaries. You are responsible for protecting your children, she has no rights over them or their time, don't let her use them. She has already told you she doesn't care about you or your children as long as she gets her own way. Talking to her hasn't worked maybe it's time to try not talking to her. I no longer speak to my parents because they also couldn't behave themselves.

It's so hard isn't it? I was an only child too and heavily involved with caring for my mum who was . . . very different to me. It taps into all sorts of dynamics. You are an adult but are treated like a child and often still feel like a child, so react like it too.

Time to be grown up. And do understand that you can't change who she is now. You can only change how you react to her. Yy to therapy. And in the meantime decide for yourself how much time you plan to give her and stick to that, calmly and without letting guilt or other emotions get in the way.

"Hello Mum. I've brought the teabags you asked me to collect. I can stay for 30 minutes for a cup of tea. Shall I put the kettle on . . . .? (Have an hour set aside at this point in case she managed to find an emergency to detain you.)
Right. Need to go now. I will pop in again on Tuesday."

I really found "The selfish pigs guide to caring" a helpful book. Didn't read much of it but enough to be reminded that it's ok to feel resentment/frustration/etc when looking after a dependent. It's also ok to put yourself first. Like on the plane. Pull your own oxygen mask on before helping others. You are more use that way.

HTH

Thanks for your advice@binkie163 I won’t be letting her make them feel the same way as I do any more.

No advice, only sympathy. My mother controlled me through guilt and obligation and manipulation until I was 50, then we had a big falling out which she would not discuss, so I gave up.

Your post makes me feel relief. I know that's no use to you. If healthy, 80 is not that old. Can she do anything to busy up her week??

@Notquitegrownup2 This is exactly how I feel. I can’t stand the version of me that I become around her.
I actually quite like the adult I’ve become around my family and friends, which has taken a good few years of dealing with depression and MH problems to get to.
I also had a very emotionally manipulative father who passed away about 10 years ago and had counselling following this.

I suppose I thought he was worse than her so I could somehow deal with it but clearly I’m struggling.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond

@WeeStyleIcon
She isn’t in terrible health. She has a bad leg but she still manages to get around in the garden.
The trouble is she doesn’t want to do anything independently, everything must be linked to me or the GC.

When we do take her out, it’s like she’s never been out before and she becomes very childlike. I absolutely understand that this sometimes happens with elderly people but she has been behaving like this for at least the last 20 years!

I tried to get her to join groups but she says she doesn’t like other people.

Thanks for your understanding

@RoloChocoloco you will find lots of us on here with difficult elderly parents. The thread that helped me the most was 'Well we took you to stately homes' pop it in the search bar. It is a thread that has been running about 10 years. So many strong women who understand narcissist parents and how to untangle from them and set boundaries.
It has been my therapy for the last 18 months, it has put all my conflicted feelings in perspective. It has taken to age 62 for me to say no more.
Your name made me laugh, I was a 'rolo girl' in the 1960's TV adverts, my mum was an unbearable pushy stage mum.

@binkie163
I’m glad you’ve found therapy healing, it must be a relief, although from experience I know it’s not always an easy journey.

Love that you were a Rolo Girl

I’m going to check out that thread now, thanks

@RoloChocoloco I could've written your post word for word as my relationship with my mother is exactly the same. I feel emotionally crushed by dealing with her, even though I try to limit my contact to twice weekly. She is a mistress of manipulation and very difficult, I dread any contact with her which always leaves me feeling so low.

@SilasMarnerJekyll
I’m sorry you have to feel this way too. Emotionally crushed is the perfect term for it.

@RoloChocoloco I totally sympathise - I live between guilt and resentment and it’s hell.

I can sympathize. My grandmother was like this and ran my mum ragged. Mum couldn't go NC as she had a severely disabled brother who still lived with Grandmother.
She'd manipulated my poor mum all her life,and tried to do it to us,her grandchildren too,but mum shielded us from the worst of it. I still saw enough to not let her do it to me.
For instance,when I got married,it was abroad with just parents and 1 sibling from each side. We had a big reception when we got home,for everyone to get together. Mum arranged a taxi for gran and Uncle to get them to the venue and back. Gran refused to go unless my mum came home with her in the taxi at the same time. Mum said she couldn't as she had responsibility to the other guests,so gran turned on the tears and said that she wasn't going to go unless we did as she wanted.

She spent the next few weeks,before the reception,telling everyone,from her friends to the man who delivered the papers,that it was her granddaughter's wedding reception on XX date,and when they said how lovely and that she'd be looking forward to that, she'd say 'oh no,I'm not going'. When asked why, she'd tell them that she hadn't been invited! My mum actually heard her telling someone this.

It was emotional blackmail,and I refused to give in to it. Every time she cried and said how terrible it was that she was going to miss it,I replied that it was sad and that she'd be missed. I stuck to my guns and never regretted it.

Please keep protecting your children from this sort of manipulation.You are doing the right thing.My mum did and it gave me the power to say no to it when my turn came,as it inevitably did.

@Feckedupbundle
What an awful situation for your poor Mum and how sad.
I’m glad she managed to protect you from the worst of it and provided you with the tools to manage it.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing but I’m quite open with my kids about not giving in to emotional blackmail, they seem to appreciate this.
They know I struggle with her but I don’t ever want them to feel they have to take any of the load, I make sure that they know and feel this.

@DivingForLove It’s always there isn’t it

You do not sound like a bitch at all!
The reason she does not like other people is because she can not manipulate them easily into doing her bidding. Some people are narcissistic like this, other people hold no value to them outside of what they can do for them. They don't value anyone simply for enjoying their company or being interested by them. They only want people around them who they can manipulate and be the centre of attention to. Usually their family who they know feel a duty towards them.

@haribosmarties
I hadn’t really thought of it like that before and it makes absolute sense. Thank you

That is so true and very interesting. I will remember your words when dealing with my difficult mother.

Oh yes - I know just how this feels 😞 my grandmother does this to me and my sister and also to her great granddaughter, my neice. My mother died 25 years ago so we are missing that generation. I love her but it's got to the point where we all dread visiting. She cries when we leave - no matter how long we have stayed.

Sympathies here too OP. I'm in a similar situation. Adult only child. My 81 year old mother is getting worse by the day. She's incredibly abusive to my dad and rants vile abuse about anyone and everyone, mostly people who've never done a thing to her. I have been in counselling for a few months and now realise I've been living in (false) hope that she will change.

With me and my kids she's very manipulative. She does a nice act which I find hard hard to reconcile with all the abuse I know is going on behind the scenes.

I just came here to say how helpful your post has been to me. I’m currently struggling with my Dad. I had a decent relationship with both my parents, although even as a child I was able to recognise lots of unhealthy behaviours from both of them.

I feel I’ve turned out to be the person that I want to be. I have a good group of friends, good husband, good family & great support network. But the last few years have been emotionally exhausting.

My mum has now moved into a home & Dad is living alone. I know this is not what they planned for the ends of their lives & it’s been miserable for all involved, but my Dad is literally draining the life out of me.

As a very capable man he is suddenly incapable of doing anything for himself. For example he’s always done the food shopping for them both. He can do that. During Covid we introduced them to online shopping & he can do that. But now suddenly he can’t do any of it.

he needs me to take him.

He moans about how lonely he is but he won’t do anything about it. He has access to a number of activities at a local group, a variety of things. He says he will go, but at the last minute he has a poor excuse why he couldn’t go.

He says I’m lucky because I have friends, but I’ve pointed out to him that I’ve worked hard to maintain those relationships. They haven’t just fallen in my lap. So it’s not luck.

it’s been pointed out to me recently that he may be a narcissist which I originally dismissed, but now i’m starting to realise that he actually is.

There is whole massive list of jaw dropping things he has done to me or done himself that is just far too much to write, but I’ve reached a stage where I don’t enjoy seeing him & don’t want to spend time with him. It’s made me so unwell. I’m taking antidepressants & I’ve had some CBT which was so helpful, but there are so many circumstances I can’t change.

He’s very self centred & always moans about how rubbish his life is while never giving a crap about anyone else. It’s so draining. I feel so much guilt as I know he is miserable & needs to spend time with people, but when I do spend time with him it’s not fun. I’m also aware he won’t be around for ever, so I’m worried that when he is gone & I will then wish I spent more time with him.

But my sister feels the same, my husband too & my support network have reassured me that I’m not wrong in limiting my time with him. That still doesn’t stop me feeling bad. But it’s good to know that there are lots of people doing through the same thing & understand how I feel. I found the oxygen mask reference very relevant & I’m going to follow some of the good advice that has been given to you.

Hard alright. They get so entitled. Mine is 82. Look what x does for her mother. Always goady jibes. Op they wont change. Im one of 3 but still full on. I dont really enjoy visits as always a drama. No big advice i keep info vague now dont tell her much

DP’s mum is like this. She presents as a lovely old lady (she’s 78) who repeats “family is EVERYTHING” a lot making me feel suffocated. She constantly guilt trips him and ruins most occasions. She has her husband, DP’s dad and loads of grandkids but it’s not enough - she pointedly says stuff to our four year old like “I haven’t seen you for 18 days” looking daggers at us. The whole family tiptoe around her so she doesn’t cry.

My mum is 82 but acts 10 years younger, certainly not perfect but never makes us feel guilty about anything. She lost my dad earlier this year and one of her children (my sibling) a while back and gets on with it with a smile on her face so I have little sympathy for DP’s mum’s shenanigans.

I’d never say this to DP but I think he will feel quite free one day…

I have a mother like this and I moved 300 miles away. I just can't stand the poor little me act. It's much better now.