Mum/abuse/grief

[Patchedupwithpaper]

This is not going to be a short post but please stay with me!

My elderly dad died a few weeks ago and that’s left us to support our mum who is in her early 80’s but very fit and well.

I moved about an hour away 25 yrs ago. This moved saved me as I was struggling with lots of MH issues at the time due to abuse at the hands of my maternal grandfather.

My relationship with my mum has had many many troubles but the biggest problem was she (and the rest of my family) denied that my grandfather had done anything wrong (further causing me trauma) and to placate her a paedophile was kept in the family. After I moved away he did something to my little niece whilst in her care and again there were no consequences other than forbidding my mum to allow him near her again.

Now my dad had gone and she is lonely she expects everyone to take turns staying with her as she point blank refuses to stay alone. She’s a very nervous woman. We have all been accommodating her in this for the last few months including me despite my conflicting feelings towards her and the fact I have a back injury which makes driving painful and difficult.

How can I begin to handle the guilt If I don’t help her? However I am struggling so much to be in her company and feel so utterly conflicted. I’m a good person and want to do the right thing and don’t want to dump my share of care for her to my siblings who have their own problems too.

This is a very complex situation and the above illustration is just the tip of a very painful iceberg.

The right thing to do is protect yourself. Did your siblings collude in this cover up? Including the one whose child was abused?

Your mum has forfeited any right to consideration from you. Your siblings might choose to go along with her demands. You can make a different choice.

Honestly I don't see why you should feel guilty.

Your mum was a poor parent to you.

Having 1-to-1 support constantly following a bereavement is not a realistic or reasonable expectation even if she had been the world's best parent.

If your siblings choose to support her by setting up a 1-to-1 rota that's fine but they cannot insist that you join it.

You can't do it as you are ill, too far away and are frankly the wrong person given your past history. I'd start quietly drawing back blaming the back injury for not being able to get there.

That's awful OP. I'm so sorry for what you have experienced. Sadly there are a lot of abusive mothers, have a look at the Stately Homes thread here.

Your mother doesn't care about anyone but herself and how you feel is of no interest to her so long as she is getter needs met.

If you don't meet her needs, like my "mother" she will probably go to the extreme of casting you out, and like the family I thought I had, others will support her. Its a crazy mob group think, where one person is the worst person in the world for putting themselves first.

Personally I've been having therapy for a couple of years and understand far better the effects of the toxicity I grew up in. Its been hard, but I really understand now that it wasn't me and I didn't deserve the treatment I got. These people won't change, they have no reason to, they think their life is working for them just fine. So the best thing is to step away and look after you.

In addition to therapy I have found the Insight podcasts fantastic and would highly recommend you listen to a few of them
podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/in-sight-exposing-narcissism/id1613030538

My mother is the same, when my father died she expected someone to be with her at all times.

The most frustrating thing is she has always had this fear of being alone in her old age and did nothing to prepare for it. She doesn’t even open her mail.

She won’t take any advice, she won’t downsize and move closer to us, she won’t move back to her home country (where she understands the language and culture) to be closer to her own siblings, she drove out several lodgers, ruined many relationships with friends and family.

She just wants my siblings and I to take care of her, despite us having full time jobs and raising families. She feels we ‘owe’ it to her despite her being very mean throughout our lives. It’s a control thing.

I’m currently having a break from her because she’s hurt me one too many times (it’s not one particular incident but a 1000 cuts). But I can’t even conceive being in touch with a parent who denied your abuse and let it happen again to another child!!!

You owe her (or any of your wider family who let this happen) NOTHING.

I’m outraged and devastated for you.

I would have no guilt for cutting off that woman that deserves nothing from you. She colluded and protected a paedophile who she knew harmed her own daughter. Protecting him enabled him to then go on further to abuse your niece. What a disgusting excuse of a mother.

I too suffered CSA but from my paternal gf. I never told anyone except a sister and thankfully he died when I was a teenager.

I am horrified by your post and feel so upset for you. Her behaviour is outrageous,you own her nothing.

Please come over to the stately homes thread under relationships. You will get much wise advise from others with toxic and dysfunctional families. It has been a valuable resource to me for years. Post what you have written here and you will get fab support. You are trapped in fog - fear,obligation and guilt.

Much love and solidarity xx

If your mum does not wish to be alone, she needs to make changes to move to somewhere she had company. She could but a place in a retirement complex, join her local Age UK, live in extra care housing etc, however she should not be able to force the rest of you to run around after her. What would happen if she was on her own. I think you are all being manipulated. Maybe a family conflab is needed with all of you and your mum, where you are all honesty about your limitations and agree to support her to take steps to make some social life, but do m not take on all the responsibility yourselves.
Good luck

Yes OP, I feel like along with the guilt, you’re also bracing yourself from the rage you’ll get once you stop pandering to your mother. Not just from her but other enabling family members.

I was called a thief, a liar, a bully, too sensitive, self-righteous, spoilt, abusive.

The latest tirade was by my sibling who enables my mother and was triggered because I’m taking a break. If I’m such a monster, you’d think they’d be relieved that I was leaving them alone!

I also love that podcast and have found it really helpful.

I’m so sorry for what happened to you, OP. You’re a good person for feeling some obligation, but (whatever the potential complications in her own past and psyche) she let you down when you needed protection and in turn your niece.

The long and short of it is that you owe her nothing.

Oh OP I really feel for you. A couple of thoughts:

1. First off, make sure to get counselling for what happened (you may already have).
2. Can you get your GP to say that you can't drive so far (or sit on a bus/train for that length of time) to give you an 'out' when your siblings get nasty? I know you shouldn't have to, but sometimes it helps to have backing.
3. As PP said, if she really can't cope alone, I'd be putting her in sheltered housing. And lastly, wtf? She colluded in the abuse you suffered to the point that your niece was also abused. She could actually be prosecuted for this, as could your siblings if, as you say, they also knew and failed to protect your niece. I would be pointing this out to them if they try to force you to spend more time than you feel able / willing to do with your mother. And also that there's no statute of limitations on CA cases. Even though your grandfather is dead, neither your mum nor sibling are, and age is no bar to prosecution.

Whatever you do, think of yourself first. Good luck.

Similar situation with my grandmother. She was abusive towards us and allowed abuse to happen to us- although emotional, not in the same league as yours- but once she was widowed expected support she had never afforded any of us.

You should get to therapy to help you to cope with this. You're entitled to not offer her support which hurts you. Good luck.

What a rotten situation, OP

The basic facts are that you are a decent, caring human being... And your mum, sadly, is not.

Protect yourself.

Life is cruel, and not just for you.

Stupid games win stupid prizes. Time she learned that lesson.

Not your job.

You have all been so helpful. I’m a bit overwhelmed!! I’ve never told anyone outside the family as I’ve always felt so ashamed of what happened and of my feelings towards her which are not typical of a daughters.
Its felt a bit like a life sentence tbh.

Thank you so much all. ❤️
The replies will help give me much needed strength. My road through this is going to be hard.

Am glad you found this reassuring and helpful.

I once met some siblings who were in a similar situation to you, who had found out their mum was dying. They rang the hospital and made it clear they wanted their mum to be safe and well-looked after, but due to their personal history were not able to be anything more than distant advocates.

The whole medical team had so much respect for those siblings and the care they showed while being totally firm about their personal boundaries.

The mum - we didn't like her so much, particularly as she never shut up about how disappointing her children were. No insight whatsover.

Pop over to the Stately Homes thread.
Your Mum's refusal to be alone is not your problem to solve.
You can still love and support her, but you need to have some resolution to the fact she exposed you and a further child to abuse - your shame is misplaced but entirely understandable.
You are entitled to your own life and boundaries for your own well being.

So op I'm sure you are aware that your Mum will also have been abused by this man. It's vanishingly unlikely that he would have abused a granddaughter yet not his own daughter. And the fact that she won't label what the younger generations have suffered as abuse is likely because she has never come to terms with her own abuse?
Do what you like (I do mean that) but the villain here is dead grandad. And your Mum is probably one other in the long line of his victims.

There is literally no excuse for failing to safeguard your own child.

OP owes her Mother less than nothing.

OP, my advice would be to withdraw from your Mother's life. She is happy to take from you but has failed to provide the basics every child needs - safety, being listened to and support.

My parents were abusive. I have chosen to be a good parent who puts her child's needs first. We all get to choose what type of parent we are. Your Mother made the wrong choice if she wanted a relationship with you.

Even if you had a perfect relationship with your mother it would still be unreasonable for her to expect 24/7 company. You're not married to her, if she wants a constant companion then maybe she should move to somewhere with people around her or get a cat. My friend's mum was fine for years after her husband died, as soon as the dog died she refused to stay in the house alone at nights leading to a rota among her daughters. There was much complaining but no-one wanted to be the one to say anything and reclaim their spare room.

If it's been months rather than weeks then perhaps it's time to suggest that your mother starts getting on with building a life for herself. What your siblings do is up to them, their life, their choices but that also means that you can do what you want. What she wants is unreasonable, if she wants to never be alone then she needs to find a way of doing that that works for her but doesn't involve the rest of the family sacrificing their lives. If your siblings want to do that let them get on with it, it doesn't mean that you have to do it too.

You can say no to sleepovers, not because of your childhood or the relationship since but because your mother needs to start sorting out her own problems. She's not the first person to be widowed (I have that t shirt too) and it is crap but you pick yourself up and do the best you can with the life that you have. It's not your job to make her happy, it's not your job to make your siblings happy. She's fit and well, she doesn't need care but maybe she needs to see her GP about the anxiety. That's her problem, not yours.

Thank you for the link and advice. I’ve just listened to an episode and it’s so refreshing and clarifying! My new favourite thing😀

Happy to hear this, OP.

Don't beat yourself up. Did she?!

Enjoy your protected future x

There is literally no excuse for failing to safeguard your own child. Not even being physically or mentally unable to?

This is so sad to read.

Your mother and family members chose to protect a man who molested you and their action meant the he went on to abuse another girl.

You owe that woman nothing.

She failed you badly as a parent.

You need to get on with your life and put your health and wellbeing first.

If I were you I would seek counselling to help you regain your confidence and help you work through your feelings.

You sound like a lovely person who has been conditioned since childhood to put up with appalling behaviour and to support your parents no matter what.

You need to understand that you don't have to care for that woman after what she did.

Tell your relatives you are stepping back from her care.

@MereDintofPandiculation
'There is literally no excuse for failing to safeguard your own child. Not even being physically or mentally unable to?'

There is never an excuse for supporting a pedophile over your own child. You can always seek support from social services/the police/health professionals if you have a physical or mental health issue and can't deal with the situation/don't know what to do. Stop trying to find excuses for those who fail to safeguard their kids.

As for the comments that this could be because the mother was abused herself, I had abusive parents and have nothing to do with my mother anymore. There is no way that I would allow anyone else to be abused because of my own trauma...

This is, thankfully, how safeguarding works these days. You always put the child first, there is no excuse to do otherwise.

I just wonder, if someone has been abused themselves, I suppose I’m thinking emotionally rather than physically, that they may not recognise themselves as having been abused, it’s just how things are, and therefore may not be able to protect their children.

After all, it’s taken two generations (50 years) to get rid of smacking, and we’re not quite there yet.

It's evident from your message that, at this juncture, you don't bear any responsibility towards your family. They have all let you down in a profoundly destructive and agonizing manner. Their actions should fill them with deep shame, although it's unlikely they'll acknowledge this since it would necessitate them taking personal accountability for their choices.

When you mention that a pedophile was tolerated within the family to appease her, could you elaborate? I'm struggling to comprehend her conduct, especially as a mother myself.

It appears that seeking professional therapy is crucial in your situation, and I strongly recommend you pursue this assistance as soon as possible. In the interim, do consider listening to the suggested podcast. Additionally, reflect on the significance of these family relationships to you and contemplate whether opting for No Contact (NC) might be more beneficial for your long-term mental health.

The alternative would involve establishing resolute boundaries with your mother and siblings and steadfastly enforcing them. Be prepared for their potential disapproval, as this might lead to more immediate challenges.