Mum/abuse/grief

[Patchedupwithpaper]

This is not going to be a short post but please stay with me!

My elderly dad died a few weeks ago and that’s left us to support our mum who is in her early 80’s but very fit and well.

I moved about an hour away 25 yrs ago. This moved saved me as I was struggling with lots of MH issues at the time due to abuse at the hands of my maternal grandfather.

My relationship with my mum has had many many troubles but the biggest problem was she (and the rest of my family) denied that my grandfather had done anything wrong (further causing me trauma) and to placate her a paedophile was kept in the family. After I moved away he did something to my little niece whilst in her care and again there were no consequences other than forbidding my mum to allow him near her again.

Now my dad had gone and she is lonely she expects everyone to take turns staying with her as she point blank refuses to stay alone. She’s a very nervous woman. We have all been accommodating her in this for the last few months including me despite my conflicting feelings towards her and the fact I have a back injury which makes driving painful and difficult.

How can I begin to handle the guilt If I don’t help her? However I am struggling so much to be in her company and feel so utterly conflicted. I’m a good person and want to do the right thing and don’t want to dump my share of care for her to my siblings who have their own problems too.

This is a very complex situation and the above illustration is just the tip of a very painful iceberg.

Thank you @Winter1979
I have just started therapy.

With regards to my grandfather being allowed to be part of the family, it’s actually worse than that. He was actively invited to take care of me whilst my parents went on holiday. Sometimes my eldest sister was there but she was often with her boyfriend.

My mums always been appeased. She achieved this by being moody, giving you the silent treatment, threatening to kill herself. It’s a list that seems odd to write as it’s sounds incredibly manipulative but to me and my family it was the norm. I was even punished for trying to commit suicide when I was 19 by her not speaking to me afterwards.

I hate that this is my past and it’s all leaking out of me at a time when I should be grieving my father and supporting her.

This is criminal!

You do not need to supporting her! She does not deserve such kindness. YOU should be supporting yourself!
What is your relationship like with your siblings now? You say you don't want to dump your share of her care on them, why not? You'd be better off without her and they sound like they deserve her.

@Patchedupwithpaper I'm so sorry that this was done to you, that your mother put you in the care of a known abuser, that is just abhorrent.

The thing with trauma and abuse is that it doesn't go away no matter how much you try to suppress it. You are being triggered all the time just now and it's spilling out. Did your dad know about the abuse?

I think you need to look up and try to start practising self compassion. You owe your mother nada. If this was a friend what would you advise them if they been put through what you have been. Your mother has let you down repeatedly on the most fundamental level. You need to take notice of how you are feeling and your emotions and treat yourself with love and compassion. Much love x

Thank you, it’s been a particularly difficult week. Im not sure my sisters understand how I feel as they never experienced the same abuse and their voice was never denied.
I feel like a very taut elastic band. On one end I have my mums grief, and the love and guilt I feel for her and at the other end my own physical and emotional needs (never mind my own family) and each end is pulling and pulling and I feel like I’m going to snap!!!!!!!
I actually have been feeling so suicidal as my chronic sciatica (awaiting results of my mri) is so painful yet I’m still expected to help with my able but stubborn mums care. They think since I am unable to drive that she should come and stay with me instead. The problem is there’s nowhere for her to stay as Im currently sleeping in our spare bedroom as I’m up half the night in pain so I don’t wake my husband and his snoring doesn’t wake me!!
I just feel so trapped

My therapist has asked me to think of the pros and cons of going no contact but I feel that would only cause me more problems.
I just don’t see the solution!

Thank you @SarahC50 the above reply was for you.

@Winter1979
Thank you. Life’s easier when I’m angry at them all but that energy soon runs out and I’m still left wondering what my solution is. Maybe people like me don’t get one. Maybe the pain of never being heard when you turn to your family about being abused and they take no notice or deny it’s happened never goes away. Maybe this is a life sentence

@Patchedupwithpaper Give yourself a break. You have been through hell. It will take time to get through this.

For myself, I was alerted by a therapist 6 years ago that my "mother's" behaviour towards me was appalling, but somehow it didn't really sink in.
It was only when she said something truly horrible (& untrue) to me, with the specific intention of hurting me as deeply as possible, that it hit home that she is utterly toxic.
Following months of therapy my therapist was able to help me see that she was actually like this since I was a baby. I'm still in therapy but have come a long way with the help of my sessions, the podcasts I linked, some Instagram accounts, a couple of Facebook groups and the Stately Homes thread here.
I've also told the truth to friends & they have been very supportive.

So keep on with the podcasts (they will help you understand why your family stays entrenched in the toxicity), educate yourself about narcissism (but give yourself breaks as well), and learn about boundaries.

You especially need to look after yourself physically. That means you can't look after your mother. Tell your family your doctor has said you are not well enough to help (add "at the moment" if you like). Keep saying the same thing. Do not worry about upsetting them. They do not worry about upsetting you. So don't set yourself on fire to keep your mother warm.

Recently I have discovered the answer to the question "What about me?".
The answer is "I matter, I'm going to look after myself. I'm going to put my needs first".

Sorry for your loss, OP.

She cannot make anyone stay with her just because she doesn't want to be alone. Make sure you maintain your boundaries and look after yourself.

You poor soul you are in a hellish and untenable situation. I have had that awful nerve pain have they given you amitriptyline or similar as normal painkillers don't work for nerve pain.

Absolutely stand firm with not having her to stay at your house, physically and mentally you just cant. Please if it's easier emphasise to your siblings how bad your physical health is.

Are you signed off work if you work, I hope so.

It worries me that everything is building up so much that you feel suicidal. However reading your situation it is no surprise you are feeling that way. I know it might sound patronising but I've been very ill and suicidal before and speaking to someone at mind really helped me. Please if it becomes overwhelming and you feel you are going to do something reach out to the GP or a &e or a phone line. Please keep going. You are in the eye of the storm just now and all the vile issues are coming to a head and you must feel you are drowning. I promise you it will pass and things will get better
Are you getting any sleep, if not get zopiclone from the GP and get decent pain relief sorted. Being in severe pain makes everything much harder to cope with.

Thinking of you today,just get through today. Much love xx

Ps CSA is a life sentence I think, I have flashbacks and intrusive thoughts most days. However I am fuckd if I am going to let that pervert ruin any more of my life. It enraged me that I was a little baby and groomed from birth. It kills me that my first memories are of abuse and pain and vile bodily fluids. It made me a damaged teen and a very overprotective mum. But everyday I fight for my happiness and for my life because I will not let my abuser win. Yours is doubly bad because you have the betrayal of your main care giver your mum, I can't fathom what a head fck that must be. I can't presume what you feel for her apart from betrayal and utter rage. All very difficult feelings x

Your siblings may have their own problems but they don't have the history you are dealing with.
Your mum not only failed to protect you, she failed to protect your niece as well. I would feel no guilt at not helping her.
I would send a final 'I will not be helping you all with mum so please don't ask me again' message to your family, and then work on your own health, physical and mental, and enjoy your life💐

@Patchedupwithpaper how are you feeling today. Please know I'm thinking of you. Pm me anytime xxxx

@SarahC50
Thank you for taking the time to answer me and sharing your experience. I can hear your pain and your strength and I’m sending you support and love too.

it’s been a bleak week but have made it through with the help of some self compassion work by Kirsten Neff. This has been a completely new concept to me! Ridiculous that’s this is the case when I’m in my early 50’s.

CSA is such a specific crushing pain but I do believe there’s a path through it.
I thought distance had helped me find mine but instead it was just a 70 mile plaster. I should have had therapy about it many years ago, I think it’s just been on hold all these years.

My story and it’s implications are so more complicated than my original post and there was more than 1 abuser. However I’m blessed with 2 children and a husband who are so supportive.

For me the balance is which pain is worse?cut off my mother and siblings (can you believe I still feel love for them) or live with extremely increased contact and the pain that brings.
I ask myself this everyday and bought a diary yesterday to keep a track of my thoughts on this.
X

Kristin Neff stuff is really helpful and enlightening isn't it. I'm early 50s too, never too late for us to change and start liking ourselves xx

I am in awe of your bravery in having therapy re CSA, I'm too scared to face it to actually revisit what happened. I hope it is helpful and good on you doing it

How awful that more than one abuser abused you, that's just horrific. I like you take great comfort in having a loving family. Mine are uni aged now but I can see I was very protective when they were small, didn't allow them to sleepover even with gparents ever.

It's such a hard dilemma because if you cut contact then you lose all your family that you love. But then if contact is triggering you then it hurts you. I compartmentalise which probably isn't advised. I'm sure things are extra raw and more nasty memories because of the acute situation with your mum. Surely as the months pass and she settles into grieving her demands on you will ease and you can feel on an even keel. Nothing is ever black and white is it and being CSA survivors we are terrible at putting ourselves first.

Is your mum still demanding she comes to stay or you go there? Xxxx